As I mentioned in my last post, DH received unwanted contact from a member of his NFOO during his recent three-week business trip. It came in the form of a voice mail message on his work phone from his Naunt on the date of his thirtieth birthday. I wrote about the last time she attempted to contact him in this post from October 2012 entitled Barrage of Bullshit. And if you'll allow me to do the math for you, that means the last time this shriveled up piece of festering dog snot tried to communicate with DH was 2 years, 9 months ago. This piece of communication also marks the first direct communication from DH's entire FOO since his NSIS's phony attempt at suicide in November 2012, EFIL and L's creepy Christmas cards (sent as an obvious "fuck-you" response to our own letter of NC to them just a few weeks prior) to our children in December of 2012, and the security breach both DH and I experienced on our blogs that same month. If you haven't been following my blog from the beginning, all the links I just provided give a pretty solid case history for our decision to go completely NC from every single member of DH's FOO (and all even remotely connected parties) that year. So the following transcribed message comes from Naunt 2 years, 9 months after her last personal attempted contact and 2 years, 7 months after attempted contact from any Narc or Flying Monkey. I feel the need to point out the length of time between attempts at direct contact from the Dark Side because such measurements of time illustrate well the idea that NC means something very different to both parties: the narcissistic abusers and the victims. In this case, the nearly three years between attempted contact has not changed DH's NFOO in even the slightest capacity, while DH on the other hand, has experienced lots of personal and emotional growth that is helping to further strengthen his desire to remain NC.
On June XX, 2015 at 5:35 PM, Naunt left the following message on DH's work voicemail:
[DH's childhood nickname]? It's your
Auntie [Naunt]. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Me and [Naunt's daughter] are
here, we were just thinking about you...Um...I hope you are doing
well...you and your family. And, we miss you. You can call us back at
any time, at this number that we just called you from. This is [Naunt's daughter's]
cell phone...um...cause actually she wanted to call you and she
was...nervous. So, I hope you're doing well [DH's childhood nickname]. It's been a really
long time. Happy Birthday. Happy thirtieth birthday. Bye.
My thoughts on this bullshit-that-smells-identical-to-the-last-bullshit-birthday-correspondence from Naunt:
- Both DH and I agree that the likely motivation for Naunt calling from his cousin's cell phone was due to the fact that DH wouldn't recognize the number and therefore be more likely to pick it up, rather than because Naunt's daughter "wanted to make the call but was too nervous to do so," as Naunt stated. The logic in such a claim doesn't add up, and it's kind of funny that Naunt imagines either DH or myself stupid enough to overlook it. If you look at the message, she actually devotes about half of it to over-explaining why she called from her daughter's cell phone, as though such a detail would matter in a genuine happy-birthday message. In reality, it is irrelevant whether or not Naunt's daughter was "too nervous to call DH" and a grown-ass woman calling from her teenaged daughter's cell phone looks more like the act of a sneaky, creepy-ass stalker than a loving "Auntie."
- It is impossible to tell if there is a kernel of truth behind the claim that DH's cousin (who I believe is about sixteen now) was "thinking about DH" or "missing him." There may very well be some truth to that, although DH suggested that he had a hard time imagining that his young cousin (who was ten or so the last time we saw her and whom he had limited interaction with over the course of her life because of their more than fifteen-year age difference) spends a whole lot of time with such endeavors. Who knows if she was even aware that it was actually his birthday (let alone that it was his thirtieth birthday) without her NM pointing out such a fact, in order to orchestrate the "missing" she required from her daughter to partially legitimize the claim that DH is being "missed." What seems obvious to me though, is that Naunt is hiding her true motives for this attempt at contact behind either a partially legitimate or else completely illegitimate "desire" of her own child - an act that shamelessly manipulates and exploits that child while simultaneously sets up DH, once again, too look like the selfish, unfeeling asshole who can't be bothered to communicate with his "nervous" little cousin who "misses him" so much. And really, what person, being aware of these dynamics, would choose to accept these very limited and shitty options?
- I love that she points out how it's "been a really long time," as though we might not have noticed. And again, the notion of time so obviously means something different to her than it means to us. DH and I have spent the last nearly three years growing - in so many different ways. We both have grown emotionally and spiritually, both together and separately. We have evolved. Our family has grown and continues to grow. And the longer DH remains willingly NC, the longer it seems he wants to remain so and the more realizations he makes about where he came from and where he wants to go. Naunt, on the other hand, is still spouting the same bullshit that she spouted three years ago - the tune hasn't changed at all. Instead, I imagine that the idea of it "being a really long time" to her is indicative of perhaps the guilt she thinks he should be feeling over not being in contact with her or the rest of his FOO. I celebrate the two years and fucking nine months silence from this bitch. I imagine that, while she would have him believe she's fucking emotionally devastated without him in her life, she likely only devotes time to thinking about him and the "long time" that he's been out-of-contact with her, when verbally pointing out such a thing warrants some emotional reward on her account. The "it's been a really long time" line from her is really nothing more than a not-so-subtle attempt to pluck DH's guilt-strings, which is particularly funny at this point because that "really long time" of which Naunt refers has actually made those guilt-strings two years and nine months more difficult to pluck.
-This phone call came as no surprise to either one of us. Prior to DH's business trip, we discussed the possibility that he might get some form of contact from some member of his FOO because this birthday was particularly significant. Or at least, socially significant in a way that DH's FOO might decide to pay attention to it because ignoring DH's thirtieth birthday might reflect badly on them (and that's all they really care about anyway.) When DH called me from his office to tell me about the message, I laughed about it. I continually find it funny (in a pathetic sort of way) that such little effort has ever been made towards my husband from his FOO. Like the best they could do was have the piddly "Auntie" call him up to wish him a happy thirtieth birthday, as though she's even kind of significant enough to elicit a strong enough emotional response from DH to warrant breaking a nearly fucking three year NC streak.
- Keeping that last point in mind, I find it intriguing that they use certain "significant" events as a way to occasionally attempt to pull DH back into the fold, but not others. THIS particular birthday of DH's was a potential means of manipulation for Naunt (and whichever other narcissists knew about it or were made aware of it) not because of the significance it holds for DH, but because of the significance it holds for them. Many events have passed in the last (almost) three years that they knew to be particularly significant to DH (his wife's birthday, our wedding anniversary - the most recent of which was our fifth, his children's birthdays) that would only have been on their radar if they thought any of said events could have been used to manipulate him. But they've already tried using his children's birthdays to draw him back in. Those attempts failed. They have already either ignored my birthday to show how little I mean to them in spite of how much I mean to DH, or else sent me nasty messages to illustrate how much they despise me. Those attempts failed. And they have never, even once, acknowledged our wedding anniversary, as I think even NMIL would have a hard time faking happiness over THAT. But DH's thirtieth birthday was apparently uncharted territory. So, Naunt gave it a go.
- A genuine birthday message requires no call back from the recipient. The notion that DH "could" [read: should] call his Aunt back is an emotional demand that doesn't sit well in the context of what is being presented as a "simple" birthday greeting.
- Any correspondence to DH at work has always been and continues to be really super inappropriate, especially now, given the length of time he's been NC and the context of the situation we are in. Do these fuck-tards learn nothing? [Rhetorical question]. Note to all narcs: Sending him a fucking birthday card to his house, where his wife will probably get to it first, is a better tactic, you losers. And if you can't figure out why, than you are either stupider, or lazier than I had previously imagined.
- It is an absolute guarantee that Naunt knows she is part of DH's declaration of NC, as evidenced by her observation in a voice mail message (among other things) to DH in 2012 that she was "aware DH wanted nothing to do with [her or the rest of DH's FOO]." It is interesting that said observation has since been ignored time and time again, whenever it served her purposes (or NMIL's) to do so. I find it creepy that all of the events of the last five years can so easily be swept under the rug for the members of DH's FOO, enough so that even the most explicit evidence of DH's boundaries can be violated by them time and time again. Like, what about the fact that his sister's (however phony) attempted suicide wasn't enough to make him come back into the fold makes any of them think that an insincere piddly little birthday message from someone with less emotional power over him would make him come back into the fold? I don't get it. The only motivation I can see in this for Naunt is that she was somehow hoping she'd get some pat-on-the-back from NMIL if she managed to get some sort of response from DH out of her weak attempt at manipulating him as she would have been able to do in days of old.
So, for the next time that some narcissistic asshole cunt abuser from DH's past rolls around to check up on my blog, I'll say this: Yeah, it has been a long time. And we've been celebrating it. Every single second.