Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh

Well, Hal-ay-fucking-luyah. DD's birthday came and went. And we heard not a peep out of NMIL and Co. It would seem that my theories about the mentality of my husband's FOO on the whole were correct. That is to say that, because our children do not serve an immediate purpose in their schemes and are not available to be used or manipulated, their very existence will be therefore denied by DH's parents for the time being. I had planned only to blog when the narcs made attempts to reach out to us in some way, but in this case I thought it prudent to mark down this lack of contact in the records. Because while their constant contact in previous years spoke volumes, their ignorance of those same holidays and occasions this year does as well.

While DH's family may well use this occasion as well as the entirety of this past year as evidence that they have now decided to "respect our rules," I would not be fooled by any such claim. Their lack of attempts to contact either my husband or my children is no more an act of respect than their attempts to reach out either before, during, or after we declared No Contact. They have chosen this past year to ignore us because they have found no further use for us under these circumstances and know of no way to win my husband back. I believe they have played all of their cards and have no more tricks up their sleeves - or at least no more tricks that they think will bring them any success.

L's public declaration concerning her denial of my children's existence was as clear a sign as any that she and EFIL have likely come to the realization that no card, no phony savings account, no ruse, no words will accomplish their sick goals. And while I think it sad, in an emotionally distant sort of way, that none of DH's parental figures have considered his worth as a son, or even as a human being, I am more relieved by their silence than I could have anticipated. I would rather the silence - the avoidance of any activity on their parts -  than any of their pitiful, passive-aggressive, and ultimately monotonous attempts at contact.

Over time, their power over my husband has diminished so much that they are now nothing more than the memory of annoying insects occasionally buzzing in our ears. Our uprising has been a success. Every time we speak, there is a revolution and that revolution will never die because we have never and will never stop fighting for our rights and for respect. I don't doubt that DH's FOO will forever hope that he and I get divorced or that I somehow manage to fall off the face of the earth. And I don't doubt that, if an occasion arises out of which they think they can hurt DH in a way they haven't been able to recently, they will not hesitate to use it to their advantage. Yet still, I count their complete ignorance of my daughter on her birthday this year as a huge win for us: not because it suddenly means that DH's parents respect us or our request for NC, but because it means they realize, at least on some level, that it didn't work as a manipulative tactic in the past. They did not get a rise out of us. They could not incite a response, at least not one that they wanted.

And so once again, these people have set up their own lose-lose situation. Which is ironic, considering that they were the ones who set the dynamic right from the start - and they wanted to win. They probably even thought they had a standing chance to do so. Except that they didn't. And it's their own fault.

10 comments:

  1. Thank God for small favors. But speak of the devil and the devil appears. Notice how I worked in a religious dichotomy there? That's why I won't do two shows a night ......just won't do it.

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    1. Bah! I love you Q. Brilliant AND funny. Doesn't get better than that.

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    2. Well played, Jonsi!

      The key strategy is, never get complacent. The wolves still circle just beyond the perimeter waiting for you to let your guard down. They've most likely written off DH but will wait patiently for the kids. Take the "d" off Q's devil and what's left is EVIL.

      They don't think like us. They see "family" as synonymous with "battle ground" and just like some twisted army, they withdrawn and regroup. Your enemies have no fucking idea what a tough broad they're up against.

      Rock on, kiddo!

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    3. I know that they are always going to be out there, and that they may not ever be gone "completely," but I think their efforts are really petering out now and that can only be good for us. I don't doubt that they still have some ridiculous long-term plan for our kids - it's just so unlikely that whatever they end up trying to pull is going to work out for them. I won't sit here and say that I know for sure because I don't. But I will do everything I can to teach my children what healthy interpersonal relationships look like, and DH and I both will talk to them over the years about his family. There will be no secrets. So when the time comes, they won't be surprised by whatever happens.

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  2. I hope your DH is ok. This has to be a sh*tty confirmation of everything he didn't want to see.

    What is so great about this story, is that here be proof! PROOF that if you have boundaries, and enforce them with no leniency - no waffling or spaghetti-spine stuff - the narcs will finally believe you. They will first ramp up, and try like hell to run roughshod over your lines drawn in the sand, but eventually you will prevail. It's just so damned sad that they make it impossible for any kind of relationship at all.

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    1. DH has been surprisingly "okay" through a lot of the stuff that's happened, but I'm not yet sure whether it's because he's not emotionally processing it the way he really needs to, or if he is and simply isn't expressing it. But whatever the case, even though his FOO is taking a break from their nonsense, DH and I won't really ever let the conversation about them die completely. In part because we have to be on guard (at least a little) but also because it's going to be a life-long process of learning for the both of us. And DH still has a lot of work ahead of him in terms of re-learning a healthier way to think and behave. But we're getting there, and NC has been one of the biggest steps in the process.

      And, like you Gladys, I really believe that NC ends up being the best outcome for ACoNs, every time. I try to support my friends who either can't (or won't) go NC with their families though, because I can understand just how difficult it is to make such a choice. And it's not for everyone.

      But man oh man - when you do go NC, and you do it hardcore, eventually the narcs and the abusers do go away. They kind of don't have any other choice. They can't work with nothing. They can't manipulate someone who refuses to engage. The thing to try to keep in mind is that it ALWAYS gets worse before it gets better. It's an exhausting battle but the peace is so freaking worth it in the end.

      I always thought it sad that DH's parents didn't even put all that much effort into manipulating him. Even that stage of their operation hasn't lasted all that long in the scheme of things. I mean, I met them in 2009. And by 2012, they were basically obliterated? Weak. What a bunch of pussies.

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  3. Congratulations on your freedom from terrible people!
    My freedom from Cruella Deville (NM) is going on 4 years now and life is peaceful.
    Makes me wonder why I didn't figure it out sooner, lol!

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    1. Congratulations to you as well, anon. :)

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  4. "when you do go NC....DO IT HARDCORE"!!!
    YEESSS! This is a FINAL DECISION. If you back off for what ever reason then you're practicing training them with intermittent reinforcement which will make the next (inevitable) NC that much harder to get across, for them to stop nipping at/plundering your boundaries.
    NC is not a training tool, it's the acknowledgement of a metaphorical death. Treat it as such. I'm pleased you remain aware this may be a re-trenchment, a strategic retreat. I hope not, but I put nothing post these POS. NOTHING. If LC was so successful, you wouldn't even be *considering* NC: That reality alone should give huge cause to pause.
    TW

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    1. All they do is strategize, they are merely moving from one strategy to the next. Let's just say I won't really be surprised when/if they come at us again. I'll still be prepared. But I think what's best about their constant strategy changes is that nothing is more obvious than that when it comes to proving how evil they are. I don't think our kids will have any problems seeing that, when the time comes to start explaining this to them.

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