Sunday, October 27, 2013

Denial Of Fact

I don't know that I'll ever be able to wrap my mind completely around the level of denial and dysfunction that seems to emanate from DH's FOO. With DD's birthday just around the corner, DH and I have been pondering whether or not we'll hear from them sometime in the next couple of days, and what will be our course of action if they do. But the real reason I've taken a temporary step out of my blogging retirement at this time is to discuss something that I discovered recently that sort of peaked my interest and which should prove to make EFIL and L's potential for contact in the next couple of days even more intriguing.

A couple of years ago, I found L's public profile on her company's website and though she doesn't offer up much in the way of personal information there, she did include one small bite of material that interested me. In the profile, up until about two weeks ago, she listed the following in a single bullet point under the heading Personal Background: "I live in [Town] with my husband [EFIL] and have four grown children and 1 grandchild." That one grandchild was DD, as L didn't have any other grandchildren at the time, and I found the website sometime in the year after DD was born. That information stayed the same, even after DS was born, and after DH's step-siblings each had a child. I checked in on that website from time-to-time because I was curious about how she'd eventually update that number. Every time I checked it, I was anticipating an update with numbers that did not reflect reality because I was banking on L's petty nature shining through.  Then about two weeks ago, I read this: "I live in [Town] with my husband [EFIL] and have four grown children and four grandchildren."

L has met more grandchildren than she's accounting for and I know which ones she's left out of the equation. The manipulation of this detail both fascinates and disgusts me for a couple of reasons, the first being that L continues to claim DH as one of her "grown children" but denies the existence of two of his children; the second being that both she and DH's biological father had seen fit to include statements in their last direct correspondence to us about their "love" for those same two grandchildren whose existence they are now denying. The way I figure, she hasn't deleted DH from her tally of grown kids because it would be a hell of a lot harder for her to explain away his mysterious disappearance from her computations than it would be to accurately portray the number of grandchildren she has, only to later subtract the ones who's existence she can no longer use for leverage. Since she never updated the information about how many grandchildren she had, she didn't have to worry that someone somewhere just might question the mysterious disappearance of a couple of them. Keeping DH in there is just a way for her to save face. She can easily pretend our children don't exist because mostly, no one will notice that she left them out.

Frankly, it's disturbing to me that EFIL and L could, on the one hand, claim to care about our kids and on the other hand be so willfully ignorant of of the reality that they created. Our children exist. And they exist in a world where EFIL and L are no longer welcome because EFIL and L chose to behave like assholes. Our childrens' existence is not, however EFIL and L like to imagine, contingent upon their usefulness. And so it's like this: in EFIL&L Land, DD and DS are either real or imagined, but they can't be both. If a card comes from them in the next couple of days addressed to my daughter, I will have just one more bit of proof, supplied by L herself, that her "love" and "caring" only goes as far as the subject's ability and willingness to be a resource. If a card does not come, well Hal-ay-fucking-luyah.

27 comments:

  1. You should retitle your post and excise the word love from it. I have never seen any love emanate from one of these sick bastards. You are either a prop for the Narc show or being groomed as a prop for the Narc show. You are not and will never be loved in a way humans love one another.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a tough time with the title. I'll work on it. ;)

      Delete
    2. This is really bugging me. Titles are always hard for me, but this one is particularly challenging. For a while, I liked "You Can Not Use What Doesn't Exist" or "You Can Not Manipulate What Doesn't Exist" but I don't like the implication that there could be any validity to the notion that our children don't exist. I like this current title, but I wish I had something more clever.

      Suggestions for a title are welcome.

      Delete
  2. My parents never acknowledged my DH's role as my DD's father. They somehow thought she was another example of a virgin birth. Yeah, right!

    Then when DD grew into an adult and did something to displease them, like being hospitalized with any eating disorder, they ignored her or issued the ultimate insult: "She's just like her father."

    My older brother's daughters were, according to my parents, the result of his wife's affairs! One has come in handy as a post NC replacement for my DD.

    I write this shit to show that our children are just objects to these types, so they can be discarded or reclaimed like a lamp that no longer suits their decor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Their reality is so warped. They deny the existence of the people who don't serve a purpose for them...until they find a (short-lived) purpose for them. Case-in-point, your husband didn't exist until they could use his existence as evidence of your DD's "badness." And afterwards, they no doubt went back to denying reality again.

      Delete
  3. Your children are sort of another Schrodinger's Cat. That scientist posited that if you put a cat in a box with poison, the cat would die at some point but you wouldn't know when, thus the cat was simultaneously both alive AND dead until you opened the box.

    For these narcs, your children both exist and do not - depending on the child's level of usefulness at the time.

    They're disgusting. And it cracks me up how fast you SEE their machinations and manipulations You are their worst nightmare, Jonsi. Rock on.

    (I was so excited to see you updated your blog I almost hurt myself running over here.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gladys, you're hysterical. Please, don't hurt yourself to read my blog. :)

      Delete
    2. Gladys, you are too funny!

      I liked your story of the cat. I'd never heard that before.

      Jonsi, I'm sorry that they are still fucking around with these things. It just seems so ridiculous doesn't it? And always like they are trying to maintain some sort of tether, so you (and the kids) can't really get away, even while they deny their existence. These things can be painful, even while we would rather they not acknowledge us at all. Painful paradox.

      Delete
    3. I'm hoping that the whole "pretend our kids don't exist" thing lends itself to their actually leaving us alone. But I guess if they don't, then I can just hold up L's little tally as evidence that, no matter what they say to our kids, they really don't care about them. You can't walk around telling all your friends and neighbors and co-workers (and the rest of the world) that these children don't exist, and then send them a fucking card declaring how much you love and miss them. It's like...makes your motives look really suspect, lady.

      Delete
  4. PS - title of this blog post should be 'Schrodinger's Child' Because I'm vain like that. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about "Schrodinger's Children" since there are two children whose existence is "in question." Awesome suggestion, Gladys.

      Delete
    2. PERFECT. But I like your original title too.

      They're so disgusting and hateful. And consistent, lol.

      Delete
  5. In my NFOO, my son is the only grandson, and male children trump all with them. They wanted to erase me, but continue to worship the malechild. I went NC with the whole NFOO after my son revealed the sick game they were playing with him behind my back, bad-mouthing me and trying to get him to do the same. They're still trying to get at him and are just furious that I will not give them what they want--the ability to ruin my son. --LuLoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luloo - Sounds like DH's NPs. If they aren't attempting to use our kids to hurt DH, than their simply scheming on how to hurt our children at some point in the future. Really sick. And in most cases, these kinds of people are not successful. It's unlikely your NFOO is going to break the bond you and your son have, or make him more loyal to them than to you. Personally, I find their tactics to be really unoriginal.

      Delete
  6. Holy shit bat girl you didn't have to actually change the name. It IS hard coming up with a good name isn't it. There are either a million that fit or none at all. Never a happy medium.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but I agreed with you. I didn't really like my original title either.

      Delete
  7. Speaking of cats. Jessie's comment makes me think of my step daughters foray into kitten ownership waaaaay back. They wanted to play with the kittens 24/7 and the harder they tried to make the kittens stay still and hang out, the more the kittens found somewhere else they wanted to be. I didn't think we would ever get them to understand you have to get the kittens to WANT to play with you and not by not grabbing them by the scruff of the neck and forcing them to play. Same thing with Narc's and the families of narc's. You can't make us want to hang out and leave our children with you especially when every thing your of your mouth is some hustle to trick us into "wanting" to be there

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yk, I still go back to the whole concept-speaking of warped-that these people feel they have the right to access YOUR children while excising YOU, the parents cleanly out of the picture. On what planet besides Planet Narc would that concept even occur? Excuse me, but the PARENTS make ALL decisions regarding their children, NOT YOU. And then send cards with messages clearly intended for the parents because the children can't READ yet-yk, they're too little to read or even comprehend the words-and then even try to pretend that lil' message wasn't intended for the parents. How thoroughly obnoxious can you behave and yet still believe-and in some cases "pray" for-a reconciliation sometime in their or your lifetime?!
    I do realize though it's all about Appearances and NP "cred" as in, "I/We SENT cards/letters/gifts and they never acknowledge them!" (Insert prodigious magical tearless weeping and gnashing/breast beating/wails of protestation.)
    Well ain't that a hellacious surprise: It's called NC for a reason and it's a very simple concept: No Contact MEANS No Contact, period the end. No, there are no "NC Holidays." No, it's NOT OK for you to continue to attempt to brow-beat another adult into "compliance" with your whims and wishes. Each time you pull this boundary busting crap, you further confirm your AC and their family made the right decision.
    You would not be where you are now-in NC territory-had you not evidenced a behavioral pattern over YEARS towards your children who are now ADULTS with their own families. Perhaps the NPs should have thought of that during the decades they spent expropriating every last bit of love and good-will from their child(ren) through *their. own. doing.*
    TW's Rules of Life #2: When ya do what cha did, ya get what cha got.
    Yeesch.
    TW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pointed out to DH last year the fact that any card that is being sent to our two and three year old children is, in fact, being sent to US. Even if they could read, they'd have had no way of comprehending anything in those damn cards. And I think that's the whole point behind EFIL and L's bullshit cards - to circumvent us as parents, to make the point that we weren't "allowed" to say no to them, and to make it clear that they could do whatever the fuck they wanted to do regardless of what we had asked (or eventually demanded).

      I still wonder if it's reconciliation at all that they really want at this point, or just more ways to stick it to us. I think that mostly, their aim now is just to hurt. And all that reconciliation talk they may throw out from time to time, either to DH or to their circle of friends, is just part of the show. Behind the curtain, I think their real goal is to fuck with us because they don't like that DH got away. They don't like that they lost control.

      Delete
    2. The first holiday season NC, the Narcs sent a huge card and check, which I returned with the note that until they could refrain from bad-mouthing the child's mother to the child, they would not be allowed to interact with the child. It's been five years, and the cards (and checks) keep coming, and they keep getting tossed in the trash. Each card gushes about how much they LOVE and MISS the child. I used it as a lesson in words vs. actions--the Narcs' attitude is, "you don't tell us how to treat you" and then act surprised when they don't get access to the child. --LuLoo

      Delete
    3. Luloo,

      That's been our experience as well. Right down to the demand that they stop contacting us, which they immediately ignored by sending cards to our children. I always thought it odd that EFIL acted shocked when I turned him away (and threatened to call the police) when he showed up, uninvited at our door.

      Delete
    4. I guess he's shocked that you guys are not intimidated by him. --quartz

      Delete
  9. These people are weird - and warped

    ReplyDelete
  10. "You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them." <---THIS!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ooh yes. I hear ya, Jonsi. Preach. my son doesn't exist in their minds. And yet- they (NFIL and NMIL) are furious we are not making them tributes because they are now grandparents. It's a status and a title to them- there IS no child attached to that expectation to be held above and respected as royalty haha. Quite ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete