Monday, July 29, 2013

Someone Else To Take The Fall

I recently whipped out the letter NSIL wrote to DH in November of last year during her stint in a mental institution for attempted suicide - a letter which I thought perfectly represented exactly the kind of "support" GC seem to ask for from their siblings and which I'd now like to examine here in a more specific way than our response letters had shown. I tend to balk at the word "support" when I'm talking about that which NSIL has expected from my husband because to me, that's a word with a connotation far too positive to accurately describe either NSIL's own unhealthy requirements of a relationship with DH or her puppeteer's dark ulterior motives in the direction of her endless show. NSIL asked for more than simple support. She asked for DH's loyalty over his loyalty to his FOC. She asked that he abandon his own life and happiness in order to suit her needs. She demanded that he serve the same master she serves, all because she's too weak to escape on her own. To me, that reads as more than support. It reads as someone demanding payment for debts that DH no longer makes claims for. It reads as misery looking for company. I don't think NSIL wanted DH for an equal, a partner, or a "friend" as she claimed. I think she was looking for someone else to take the fall, the same person who had taken it all those years before.
So DH and I re-read NSIL's letter looking for clues. I asked him what he thought she had expected him to do; what precisely he thought she had imagined or hoped he'd do when he read her letter. Together, we broke her letter down as though it were encoded and examined each part:

[Derivative of DH's name; not what she typically called him in the past] What's in a name, right? I noticed the switch from her addressing DH by his childhood nickname to a slightly more "grown-up" version, though not his full first name. She had called him this name on occasion in the past - but she'd always used his childhood nickname when she wanted something from him. I hypothesize now that it was her way of acknowledging some great change in him - a change she could obviously see but has yet to appreciate - that almost came across to me as a mockery. DH's handle has always been a point of contention for me. It had taken me some time in the beginning of our relationship to understand why he had never made the change from his childhood nickname to the more grown-up version of his name and then finally to the true adult version of his name with his FOO. I felt that NSIL's use of this name was foreign, that it didn't seem to fit the person she wanted us to believe she was appealing to, and that it was manipulative - as though by deceitfully petitioning this person she'd never developed a relationship with, she might trick him into considering giving her the "support" she'd be asking for by the end of her letter. When she used the more grown-up version of his name, right off the bat she was attempting to manipulate him.

I am currently in a mental hospital for attempted suicide. I figure you think I overdosed on drugs. I purposely took over fifty pills, mixed with a lot of alcohol, and slit my wrist. If not for a friend randomly stopping by I would not have been found and would have died. When DH read this to me aloud for the first time back in November, I remember having been struck by a couple of things right off the bat: One being that her self-described "random" savior was likely not random at all and two being that I could already see who she had predetermined would be responsible for her staged attempted suicide: my husband, of course. Before I go any further, I feel the need to explain that I am not denying the fact that this girl is likely suffering from depression and that her struggles are very real. But as with any narcissist, I've always believed that what we see up top barely does much justice to all the schemes churning below the surface at any given moment and I think NSIL's lack of description tells us more about what she's covering up than what she's revealing. This is a girl who spews a lot of words but doesn't divulge much that's real. But still, aside from overhearing perhaps one phone conversation with NSIL (which I was mostly only privy to DH's side of) this letter was the closest to real that I have ever seen from NSIL. And what I think was "real" about it was her continued cover-up of details that might constitute any truth - who was the mysterious "friend" she wrote about and why did she think it so important to keep that person's identity secret? And why does she make a point to inform DH of how "random" that person's appearance at the time of her suicide attempt was? You know, I STILL have to prompt DH when he's telling a story or talking about some event that happened during the day because he'll tell me, "So, WE did this" or "THEY said that" and I'll ask, who? Who are you talking about? It happens less now because DH catches himself, realizing that his lack of descriptive detail is a leftover learned defense mechanism from dealing with his FOO - but it does still happen. And the reason why it's so damn significant to me is because these lack of details are not just merely some oversight - they can't be chalked up to forgetfulness or absentmindedness on the part of the story teller - the omission of these types of details is intentional and there is only one point: to evade responsibility. If you don't say with whom, then you can't get in trouble. If you don't specify who else was there, then there is no one else to ask.  Keeping the details vague allows you to evade responsibility. And that's where all of this always leads - the kind of "support" NSIL was looking for was the kind that would allow her to continue ignoring the fact that she is responsible for her own unhappiness, poor health, and attempt at suicide. Furthermore, I thought that the kind of information NSIL was presenting read as an accusation: that it should not have been a "random friend" stopping by who saved her, it should have been DH. That's looking for a whole hell of a lot more than support, in my opinion. The opening lines of her letter present just enough information to make her intended audience think she's taking responsibility for something, when in fact she's not.

I wanted to die, I really did. Wrote a letter and everything. It's clear to me that DH was not the only person she wanted to convince of the sincerity of her desire to die. And the fact that she herself is not convinced is enough for me to seal the deal on my theory that her attempted suicide was nothing more than a ploy. Anybody who truly believes in what they are doing, simply does not talk that way. Her juvenile presentation of the fact that she wrote a suicide note as evidence that she "really wanted to die" did nothing to answer the biggest question of all: why? If her suicide attempt was, in fact, legitimate, then why did she want to die? And if it was not, why did she want to make it look like she wanted to die? In that whole letter to my husband, I never found an answer from her, even in her talk of depression and eating disorders and anxiety - not even in her admittance of not being understood. All of those things have deeper sources, but nowhere in her letter does she examine them. One of the factors of this letter that has to be considered is that it was very likely a requirement forced on her by whatever doctors were working with her in therapy. So not only do I think it represented the most depth she was capable of at the time she wrote it, but I also think whatever information she presented therein was the bare minimum requirement for her to leave the mental hospital. Her decision not to answer "why" in this letter to my husband is a juxtaposition to her apparent desire for people to understand the answers to that exact question: Shortly after her return to the world from her stay at the hospital, NSIL tweeted: "Everyone seems to think they know everything yet no one has actually asked me" and "Because of a bad trip? Because of a boy? You people are ridiculous and have no clue." It all makes me think she knows EXACTLY why she has done the things she has done, but it scares her too much to be honest about it. In short (I know, too late) she refuses to take responsibility.

I know part of you cares. This is an insult and an accusation. I see the implication that not only should part of DH care about her plight, but that ALL of him should care about her plight. This is one of the more blatant and clear expressions of her expectations of my husband's support. By implying that he doesn't care or that he doesn't care enough, she's revealing how much she wants from him - and it's a lot.

Perhaps you noticed when we were younger that I had been struggling, mentally. I dealt with the [sic] bulimia until last year when I began throwing up blood regularly. For years I have dealt with depression. It increased greatly when you left. You left me alone.  This is loaded. Absolutely loaded. Again, it might appear as though she's on the verge of accepting responsibility for something (or at the very least, that she's willing to put the responsibility of her childhood depression in her parents' hands, where it clearly belongs) but that much needed admission gets quickly thrown out on it's ass when she hands all of the responsibility, every last drop of it, to DH. The accusations she makes here would be shocking if I didn't know this girl or the dynamics of her fucked up family. And again, her non-specific allegations have always left me with a lot of questions. What, specifically, is she referring to when she says that DH "left" or that he "left her alone?" This is a girl who out the one side of her mouth (as evidenced in this letter) says she's alone, but everywhere else in her life claims to be "surrounded by friends" and "so so lucky" to have the mom and friends that she has. What does it say about the people she chooses to surround herself with, if she single-handedly disputes their importance in her life by saying that DH was the ONLY person responsible for making her feel that she was not alone? And isn't it obvious how she exposes her own lies about the friendships she maintains? At which point does she feel he left her: When he went away to college? When he moved in to the apartment he rented from Naunt? When he met me? When he married me? When he cut off contact with their mother? She doesn't answer these questions but I have raised them. And all of my theories lead me to the same place, every time. When examining what NSIL's version of "support" would look like, I always come up with this sort of silly idea that she wanted DH to move back in with her at her mother's house to reside across the hall from her once more, free from any outside obligations including the love of his life and his children. And the more I think on it, the more I think it may not be that far fetched a theory. I don't know what NSIL expected. But I know that whatever picture she had in her mind, it never included me or DH's children. I also feel the need to point out at this juncture that in the phrase, "You left me alone" there is the seemingly unacknowledged point that if DH's absence from her life means she is alone, then the mother NSIL claims loves her so very much, at the very least, has done nothing to help her quelch that feeling of desolate loneliness, and at the very worst, is in fact the ultimate source of it. In other words, to say that she is alone (with or without the presence of DH in her life) is an admission that her mother is hurting her. But as always, she neither takes responsibility for herself nor hands her mother the responsibility expected from such an admission.

...My depression and anxiety overwhelmed me and I had to drop out [of college]. Mom and J were upset but supportive. Since that [sic] I've been in a downward spiral. No one understood me and no one that [sic] I thought I could talk to. So I wanted to die. I was pretty close too. We have ourselves an unreliable narrator - one who calls her parents "supportive" in one sentence, but in the very next negates the claim by saying that she had "no one" to talk to and "no one" who understood her. It seems clear to me that, whatever her notion of "support" entails, it sure as hell isn't healthy or very well developed. She presents the idea that her parent's "support" of her was sufficient, but then immediately contradicts it. What it tells me is that she has allegiance to her parents because she hides them behind a false label. It also piggy backs on the idea that DH is responsible - that he should have been the one around to "understand her" and "talk to her" and without him, she wanted to die. But as with much of what NSIL has ever said, I call bullshit. Because even when DH was "around," she did not reach out to him. Even before DH's estrangement from NMIL in early 2011, she did not seek him out for help or support or understanding. In part, it might have felt odd for her to do that on account of their nine year age difference (think about it - how much "support" can a healthy nine year old give to his infant sister; a fifteen year old give to his six year old sister; a twenty year old give to his eleven year old sister; a twenty five year old give to his sixteen year old sister); but mostly, the unhealthy dynamics of her FOO would never have allowed for any sort of true supportive system to take root between them. If anything, I think this girl has some understanding that "support" isn't whatever show she got from her parents. I think she knows that real support means having someone who understands you, or who at least wants to understand you, and who will talk with you about what is real. She's so close. So close to some understanding about what is real and crucial and true. And yet, she can't grasp it. Or won't grasp it. Her long silence now these past few months are evidence that, though she desires the kind of support she herself outlined, she remains unwilling to shake herself free from the very people who should be her biggest supporters, yet who have done nothing but ensure her slow, agonizing death. Yes, I think she knows what "support" really looks like. But I think what she wants more is the easy way out: the kind of support that her mommie says she needs, but which isn't really support at all. She did, after all, reject both DH and my offers to help her, which is ironic given that we were offering her precisely what she had asked for: people who would understand and who would talk to her about what was real.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, depression, and anxiety. Can I just say, I fucking called this? I included this line here for no other reason than to point out that all my past research had pointed to NSIL having BPD and that I told DH years ago that it wouldn't surprise me if we ever learned that she was. Oh, I guess I included it for another reason and that's because I think the addition of this kind of information mostly just reads as a call for a pity-party. Again, it looks like a mere inclusion of facts but I'm betting NSIL included this information so that she could stroke the story that she's "crazy" (which serves the purpose of negating her responsibility, once again, by claiming her mental facilities are not completely in order) while also attempting to illicit sympathy from DH.

Everyone's brothers and sisters come to visit them here and it upsets me. This reads like her mother's presentation of what a "truly supportive" sibling would be doing - a presentation that would suit NMIL's needs far more than it would have suited NSIL's. DH's physical presence at a hospital where NMIL was staying nearby would have likely been a dream come true to NMIL and though it would have fulfilled NSIL's superficial requirements for "support," it would have done little to solve her deeper woes. And instead of just coming out and asking in a direct way (Please, will you come visit me?) this statement attempts to illicit guilt. Also, can I just say that it's more than a little inconvenient and fucking selfish for her to ever expect DH to abandon his entire life just to come for a little visit and hold her hand or whatever.

Mom is constantly sad because you are gone and I am a disappointment and crazy. She cries all the time about you. I haven't, not once. This statement probably raises more questions for me than it answers, as does much of the letter. Is NMIL so inappropriate and selfish that she's using NSIL's stay in a mental hospital to play on the notion of the "long lost son?" Does NSIL not realize that her mother labeled her a "disappointment" and "crazy" long before she thought to call herself those names, not because they were necessarily true but because they served her mother's sick purposes? Has it never crossed her mind that her mother's "sadness" is an act? Does she not see that while her NM is calling her crazy, she's also calling DH the same and can she truly not understand how toxic that is? And when she turns around and says this: "It is so strange to me that my brother is a different person completely...and evil and insane and [I will] never talk to him again?" can she not see that she's no better than her narcissistic mother? NSIL's rejection of her own emotions and obvious constant need to buttress her NM's, regardless of their sincerity, is very apparent here.

I pretended you were dead. I tell people I am an only child. I terribly miss and need my big brother. Would you even attend my funeral if I died? These are questions I ask. I see only one question, though she alludes to having asked more than one, and as always, it's a loaded question. I can answer it for her, as DH and I had discussed the possibility of NSIL dying many months before her attempted suicide occurred and the answer has not changed since that time: DH would not attend a funeral for NSIL. I doubt she would ever acknowledge any understanding of such a decision, even if that understanding existed. Because to acknowledge that she could understand why it would be better for DH not to show up to her funeral, she would have to also acknowledge that she knows how toxic and unhealthy her FOO is, and that DH has been treated very poorly by them. At this point, with this girl, I don't think that's ever going to happen. Furthermore, we can add "showing up to her funeral" to NSIL's list of "NMIL-Accepted-Support-Tactics" because while DH's presence at NSIL's figurative funeral would do wonders for NMIL's "show," it wouldn't achieve a whole hell of a lot for NSIL's benefit. And as for "needing" her big brother? Again I ask, how? What the hell did she expect him to do, specifically? Because it sure seemed to me, at one point in that letter, that she knew what support was (understanding, real talk) but as I've pointed out, when it was offered, she immediately and coldly rejected it, turning instead, right back to the same kind of "support" she came from which drove her to make an attempt on her own life in the first place.

You were my best friend...I even wrote in my suicide note that maybe my death would bring you back. I just have to take a moment to ask, how the hell can people not see how fucked up this claim is? I swear to god, the age difference alone forces any truth out of this statement. I want to know, at what point is NSIL claiming that DH was her best friend? When he was nineteen and she was ten? When he was twenty four and she was fifteen? Folks, it's not fucking possible. They were NEVER best friends. They were nothing more than two spirits locked together in a shitty situation. The only bond they had, after their mother started fucking with their relationship from the time NSIL was born, was one born of some superficial and underdeveloped understanding that their own mother was killing them. If NSIL was capable and willing to tell the truth, I would ask her to qualify this statement. I would ask her for specifics. I would ask her to detail how, exactly, she was expecting him to be her "best friend" again and what she wanted from him. Because if she showed proof that I was wrong, I would be willing to reject my notion that her fantasy of "best friend DH" would have both her and her brother sacrificing their own lives for their mother's. Unfortunately, that is precisely what I think: that NSIL and [DH's childhood nickname] - the boy she's REALLY appealing to, unlike what she would have had us believe at the beginning of her letter - "befriending" each other once again, would translate to nothing more than the ending of their lives so that their mother can continue to live her lies. Whether metaphorical or literal, I believe NSIL's definition of support calls for that outcome.

Think about our childhood. When I was born, you wouldn't let anyone hold me. I need you to be there again. Not even mommie could hold you, eh, NSIL? Maybe all we need to ask is this: why would DH need to protect you from your own mother? And why the fuck can't you see that this need for protection from mommy-dearest is what ALL of your dysfunction is about; and ultimately the reason why you have no relationship with your own brother?

10 comments:

  1. I will never understand the sense of notoriety that people think that a suicide attempt will bring them. And also the level of emotional blackmail they feel entitled to heap on their family members. Like a suicide attempt is indicative of some sort of emotional depth and they are proud to burden others with their lack of self control. The quickest way to lose me and my focus on your problems is to try and leverage me with such a transparent ploy as suicide. Call it what it is, and what it is a selfish Narcissistic endeavor to make the people you "love" dance to the tune of your own, crazy drummer.

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  2. IMO this girl is frozen in time. A young child, controlled by her mother and worshiping her big brother. This was me. My parents purposely made sure I didn't have the skills to function as an independent ADULT. Only by a fluke (long story) was I forced to leave home at age 21, but for years I still returned home every weekend to fulfill my obligations.

    Part of me feels for this girl because she lacks the maturity and skills to function independently. I was much the same way well into my twenties. Here's the difference: I never tried to use and abuse my siblings, nor did I support my parents in their attempts to do the same.

    There is no excuse for the way this girl expects your DH to abandon his own wife and children in order to parent his own sister. In other words: she needs to grow the fuck up!

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    1. I think you are inherently quite different than NSIL, Mulderfan. As you said, maybe you were controlled and immature and worshipped your older brother. But you never used and abused the way this girl has. She's far too willing a "victim" for my tastes, and then she turns around and does the same to the only people who have EVER reached out to her in a meaningful way. She's damn foolish and certainly selfish.

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  3. This is opening a HUGE door in my brain. I stayed in my own horrible, selfish, self-centered personality far too long after I left the narcs. I kept running, kept listening to their voices in my head. I kept MOVING and drinking and snorting drugs and having sex and making noise and being a horrible friend long after the sell-by date on the excuse "but my parents abused me".

    There is a portion of myself that didn't start waking up until I was 40. And then last year when I found all of you and the pieces clicked. But it took till then.

    The brainwashing - it is spec-ops level for some of us. The mind-control clocked me hard on the brain-pan and I didn't see straight - I didn't ACT RIGHT for decades.

    I had control of my own life, paycheck, my own child, on down through the years. And I kept running from monsters I was thoroughly trained not only to believe in, but to believe were deadly if they caught me. Turns out they were smoke. But it took me until it took me to wake up.

    I pity her, but do not take my pity for oh, what - being on her side or something, there is a word I cannot find. If she wakes up now, leaves the narcs now, takes responsibility now, the damage to herself and her life is infinitely significantly lessened (lessoned?) Waiting years and years in denial and stress and running can only lead to regrets <--that word is so small for what it means to me. But she will wait.

    She will marinate in it for years. She will become a drug addict, a walking eating disorder, she will have a lifetime of debt and frenemies and possibly an abortion or two. Because bad decisions beget more bad decisions. And sex and drugs and whatever else are the only ways to try and silence the noise of the abuse.

    Her life sucks ass. And as an adult, she is CHOOSING it.

    That is the wrong way to go on the Game Of Life. It's the long, long way. It's a horrible way. I wish there was a way for me to tell people. I guess that's what my own blog is for.

    UGH.

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  4. Ditto on what Gladys said. It takes forever to figure out the we are doing battle with a paper tiger. One that appropriates our own power and uses it against us.

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  5. It all boils down to fear. i was scared shitless all my life. scared of looking stupid, acting stupid, of people FINDING OUT THAT I AM STUPID. i will post about this. talk about brain fog.

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  6. From the get, this letter reeked of self-pity and manipulation characteristic of Cluster B BS in my mind. There's a whole bunch of overlap among Cluster Bs and their manifestations may vary so widely in presentation it can be difficult to nail down the predominate dx. among the four in that group.
    With that thought in mind, from the DSM-IV for 301.50 Histrionic Personality Disorder:
    1 is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
    2 interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
    3 displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
    4 consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
    5 has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
    6 shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
    7 is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
    8 considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are

    She has nailed all 8 of the criteria consistently and only needs 5 for a dx. I don't buy the BiPolar for a second. Typically if they show up in a shrink's office in the event they're not mandated (Courts/Probation/Parole) they arrive through the back door of "Anxiety" or "Depression." IMO her manifestations are not Age and Stage related, "Fleas" or the residue of growing up with a NFOO but rather a full-blown Cluster B presentation of HPD w/Borderline and Narc features. This may be why she presents like "Mummy's Mini-Me" with a somewhat different twist.
    TW

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  7. This is an interesting dissection of her letter, which is clearly full of ill-intent, manipulation, and self pity. Again, she reminds me so much of my NSis: requiring all of me and blaming me for everything in her life.

    I look forward to reading your next post in this series!

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