Monday, July 15, 2013

Gradually and Continually

I don't want to get too comfortable (and I may end up eating my words) but I feel as though DH and I may be reaching and "end" of sorts with his FOO. I don't honestly know whether NMIL has exhausted all of her manipulation tactics and I can't say with any real certainty that I believe she's completely redirected her eyes on a different target, but I have nevertheless been feeling that her steel-hard resolve to remain blind to the truth is precisely what will force her to stay away from us permanently. It has always been her choice to maintain distance from us out of her unswaying resolution to offer us bullshit instead of truth, and to offer the rest of the world nothing but an absolutely ridiculous mask. She lives in a world where she can liken herself to some of the greatest philosophers and humanitarians of our age - and the people she has surrounded herself with choose to buy it.

And that's fine, really it is. She can feign sainthood as often and to whatever lengths she likes, as long as she stays in her corner and out of ours. I'm not so naive as to think she'll ever really go away completely, but I often think to myself, what more can come than what they have already sent? What more damage can they inflict? What supplies are left in that arsenal? And try as I might, I don't see where they have any power left. They've spent it all on nastiness and spite and hatred and, as with any war campaign, they will eventually run out of time and money and energy to keep this shit going. Births and deaths and marriages on both sides, and even attention-grabbing-suicide-attempts have not gained DH's FOO any forward momentum in their efforts to dissolve our marriage or get DH to collude with their desire for power and control again. Nothing, save for perhaps the literal death and re-birth of a brand-spanking-new NMIL, would break our resolve to keep them out of our lives. 

I see DH's entire FOO and vast network of past relationships as a dark, ominous cloud in the distance that gradually yet continually gets blown further and further away from us. I see NMIL and EFIL & L and NSIL and J and Exhibit A and the whole cast of crazy characters as one black puff of smoke that can be diffused with just a little bit of effort on our parts. They know next to nothing about what is going on in our lives and we are happy knowing next to nothing about theirs. And I am starting to find that my desire to know what's coming next is leaving me. Perhaps it's a letting go of sorts. Perhaps I simply don't care anymore. But whatever the reason, I have this inherent sense of calm and confidence that the worst is over and that DH and I and our children are finally entering a space of real peace.

Last Christmas, after EFIL and L sent us messages which showed that their desire for power and control was still very much alive by means of holiday greeting cards to our children, my mother said, "Jonsi, what does it matter if all they do is send a card for Christmas? Who cares? If that's all they do, then you can toss the card aside and move on." It seems, though I know appearances are deceiving with these people, that that may be all they have left now. Just as sure as I feel that NMIL is mostly done with her attempts to win over DH with her direct bullshit and that even the indirect bullshit will be coming at us less and less, I am sure that EFIL and L will still play their assigned role to the bitter end - and I know that has to do with whatever they've got planned for our children. I see the use of attempted manipulation through financial means in the distant future and I see it aimed, in whatever weak way they've planned, at our kids. I think they are biding their time because they know that DH and I are the gatekeepers to our children, but that someday our children will be adults with their own desires and hopes and dreams and I think they have plans to attempt to use those as a means to gain power over them.

I have a lot of faith in my FOC - in our ability to stick together through the storms, in our desire to raise strong and healthy children, and in our strength of will and personal character. I have a very loving and supportive FOO who are always around to give us advice and aid when we are in need. And our children are truly amazing beings - I have faith in them and who they are and who they will be. I don't believe that I am raising children who will go out into the world to be easily manipulated. I think I am raising bright, kind, compassionate, honest children. I think they are inherently kind and sensitive and good and I am working hard with DH to parent them in such a way that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. I know that, if DH's FOO is still in the game for power and control, they will test the strength of these bonds my husband and I have with our children, and yet I still have faith that we will prevail - five, ten, or fifty years from now.

I'm already thinking that when the next round of greeting cards show up, DH and I will probably finally be able to throw them aside, unopened. Because we already know what they will say - there will be nothing new to read, no great understanding on their parts. Even in their silence now, their resolution to keep their eyes shut tightly in the face of truth is apparent. And so when those cards arrive, and if another person shows up at our door, or when we receive notification that DH has been "cut from the wills," it will be much easier to toss it aside. Because it doesn't matter. They don't matter. And they have even less power than ever before as more time passes.

17 comments:

  1. I just came to this sort of conclusion myself. I never had to deal with what you guys have dealt with, but like you I finally feel DONE. I feel free, and light - and like you I know that every step away from that black cloud means I have more power and control over my own life.

    You sound so strong and healthy Jonsi. You have fought a long battle, both you and LSV - and you guys have knitted yourselves closer to each other in the process. You are so right - none of the bullshit stuff matters anymore - they cannot touch you.

    As your children age, they will continue to ask you questions regarding that side of the family, and your answers will continue to evolve based on their level of understanding and comprehension. The lessons they can learn from your battles with the narcs, about friends and acquaintances and behaviors and boundaries, are legion. They will grow up knowing that those specific people, and that type in general, are poison and best left alone.

    You are arming them, and this next generation will not have to deal with this without a sturdy defense.

    I love that you're feeling done. I miss your writing, but glad it's getting over for you.

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    1. Beautifully written, Gladys. I think though, that writing, and this blog, will always be here for me and for whoever needs it.

      And three hearty cheers for you as well! Feeling "done" is a relaxing feeling isn't it?

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  2. Done feels like you can stop playing a game that is rigged and impossible to win.

    Q's Sis

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    1. I have never forgotten that this has all been a rigged game. But I am definitely getting to that point, Sis. I don't feel like we need to play anymore, even if they reach out again.

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  3. In the end their attempts to manipulate us become so pathetic and ridiculous, that they are the ones that set US free.

    Yes, simply being "done" is a wonderful feeling!

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  4. "And they have even less power than ever before as time passes."<THAT. Right there, Jonsi. That IMO says it's all.
    It's the endlessly REWARDING Gift that not only gives a great initial impression, it just gets better and better over time. Yes, it's a hellacious battle (huh, that was a massive understatement) to get there and stay there but once you do, over time it just.gets.better. In every way: NC. Accept no substitutes.
    I know, that's just not possible or the right or only option. To me, the peacefulness over time (even with the IEDs here and there that never stopped) became indescribable. I have to say, for me that was one of the two most affirming decisions of my Adult life.
    Congratulations to you, DH and the kiddos. You've earned every last bit of peace. ENJOY!
    TW

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    1. NC is, in my opinion, the key to true peace and happiness. I know that for some, it's not an option and that their reasons for not going NC are valid. But I think that anyone who finds themselves in an abusive relationship is ALWAYS better off with NC. I just don't think LC does the job. When it comes down to it, I don't want to waste my time exerting any energy on these people.

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  5. Contact with a poisonous snake will always result in the snake at least TRYING to bite you. Dealing with snakes means you always have to WATCH OUT! be on high alert, have bandages and anti-venom at the ready - it's just too exhausting to try and un-do the bite every time.

    No-contact ensures that there just isn't a bite. No urgent need for bandages or the rest of the first aid kit anymore - we just stay very clear of the snakes.

    Very simple. But it seems we all (all of us children of snakes) have to try out heavy gloves, careful handling, putting a hood over the snakes head... we have to exhaust all avenues of attempting to be able to hold a snake before we learn to just never be around them. Funny that we all end up at the same place. Snake free. :)

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  6. I have learned to never trust quiet and to not fall for peace. Rust and Narcissists never sleep.

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    1. Well, I'm not disillusioned that they're going away completely. I'm beginning to discover peace even in the fact of their (minimal, now) nonsense. I think we'll be able to maintain our own peace of mind in spite of the bullshit. For the narcs, I guess they are always waging war somewhere.

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    2. Rust is good but I like mould better...more dangerous to your health!

      Yes, Q, I know I spell funny!

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    3. I don't know, stepping on a rusty nail is pretty hazardous to one's health. :)

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  7. Drinking rust nails can be hazardous to your insurance rates

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    1. Okay okay, stepping on rusty nails in a mold-infused basement can be fatal.

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  8. Congratulations on reaching a milestone...it's great to not feel like you are on 'red alert' every moment. I remember when I started to be able to open the poison letters from Nmom over the trash can or better yet, in front of the woodburning stove. And then I got so I didn't even have to open them. Very freeing. I learned I was giving her power by caring about what she said so I quit that. And I quit letting her know anything personal because she just used it as ammunition to massacre me. I learned the best revenge and the safest plan is to not allow them to be a part of your life. If only I had gotten a clue years ago! lol!

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  9. Glad to hear that you are focusing on your family and not letting the dysfunctional FOO divert your attention. We have been dealing with a dysfunctional FOO too, and after a year of no contact, we received a short e-mail from EFIL, basically containing a few links to alienated grandparents association that reads like an accusation of us abusing the elderly (they are just about to turn 60) and extreme child abuse for protecting our children from their abusive behaviors. Why can't these people ever look at their own behavior, and understand the only one responsible for the non-existent relationship is themselves. Sorry for the rant, but your experience dealing with the NFOO and how they are fixated on your children is so familiar to me that it is scary. Here's to living your life with your husband and your precious children. I am going to focus on the same thing!

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