Friday, June 28, 2013

Bait

Okay, so I'm sure that anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis has noticed that I've not been around for about two months now and I wanted to briefly address my absence before delving into my first entry post-break. To put it most succinctly: I just haven't had the time to sit down and write anything. Back in April I mentioned that my little ones were on different nap schedules and I had hoped that things would equal out over time so that I could have a break during the day again to do the bulk of my writing. When that didn't happen (still hasn't) I decided to focus more acutely on various projects around the house and yard - many of which I'm happy to say DH and I are successfully completing. Things have been relatively peaceful and quiet around here, with no contact from the dark side (save for one bit of communication which I'll be talking about in this post): all remained quiet through our anniversary and DH's birthday just a few weeks ago.  And, wouldn't you just know it folks, but in a completely UN-coincidental turn of events, I hadn't gotten a single hit from any of DH's FOO or old "friends" in my stats since my last two posts in April, until just a few days after we received the birth announcement from Freckles and DA and when that person saw that we hadn't written anything on the subject (or on any subject really) they haven't checked in since. (Ponder that one for a while).

I've been thinking recently, during this rather long blogging break, that I may be nearing the end of my blogging journey, thought I can't say when that will be or what the end might look like. I've often toyed with the idea of using my blog as both a written history of events that took place over the past three years, as well as a checkpoint at any points in the future when we are contacted by the members of DH's mostly shitty past. So I don't feel that I'll ever really shut down this blog for good both because I like having our history here available to the public and because I'd like to be able to add records to it in the future. But my time for blogging here on a regular basis may be coming to a close. Whatever I decide, I'll let you guys know.

So - on to the most recent contact from the dark side. DH and I got a pretty interesting birth announcement in the mail a few weeks ago (around June 8th) from Freckles and DA. If you don't remember their roles in our story, you can read here and here to get caught up, but in a nutshell: I would have liked to have been Freckles' friend if not for her asshole husband, DA, who my husband considered a friend for most of his life. DA takes bible-thumping to an extreme, believes that being called a fanatic is a compliment, and completely obliterated his chance at being in our lives when it became apparent that he was more loyal to DH's NM than to DH. So anyway, around the 8th of June, we got this envelope from them in the mail. I only briefly considered sending it back to them unopened because I had already guessed what the envelope contained, but decided to open it anyway on the chance that my assumption was wrong. Shortly put, I was curious.

And there it was: a birth announcement, as I had guessed. No personal notations or letters, just a picture with the standard information: the baby's name, date of birth, weight, etc. First, let me explain that I don't think this act on their part was this totally and completely heinous thing; nor do I think their intentions were entirely dark. I have always believed that Freckles, in particular, genuinely liked and got along well with me and meant no harm in her actions towards us. I also saw, on a few occasions, some genuine care and consideration coming from DA for DH.

But underneath that, I couldn't help but wonder if this birth announcement wasn't just another form of bait; another way for them to test the waters and see if DH would reach out to them under these more "extreme" conditions. I mean, obviously it isn't everyday that an old friend has a baby. The thing is though, that not only have we not spoken with this couple in about two years, but DH did not really leave the relationship on good terms and the last few times they reached out to us, we ignored them. So while I do think there was a genuine interest on their part to share what is surely exciting news for them, I mostly just think they were using this birth announcement as an opportunity to bait us.

It just doesn't make sense to me that they'd contact us, really for any reason at this point. We haven't shown any interest that we're curious about what is going on in their lives, nor have we shared with them what is going on in ours. I saw this quote recently on Pinterest and it made me think of this whole birth announcement thing: "You know what it's called when you constantly call a person over and over and over again, and even though they never answer, you're convinced that you have a deep personal relationship with them? Stalking...or religion."

Fits, perfectly right? Both in the religious sense and in that fucked-up-interpersonal-skills sense. Because I'm fairly certain that both Freckles' and DA's fanatical religious views are the driving force behind their behavior. I think that they really believe that someday, when DH can find "forgiveness" in his heart and finds Jesus or whatever, that he will eventually accept them back into his life and all will be right with the world again. In other words, they like to ignore fucking reality and live on the faith-based notion that DH is gonna go back to being everybody's favorite fucking doormat. It would have been relatively simple for DA to have kept DH as a friend - but apparently he doesn't DO respect and courtesy and loyalty. So we just continue to tuck their intermittent correspondence away as evidence, and in the hopes that eventually they'll realize they DON'T have a deep personal relationship with us, and probably never did.

I wish them the best of luck with their little one. And that's that. For us, our reserve to stay NC with them remains unchanged.

12 comments:

  1. If there was a significant portion of time around them when you considered them untrustworthy I wouldn't change my opinion of them now. I hate to preach zero tolerance and a hard line. But that's all I ever get from dysfunctional people

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    1. Nah, no change of mind. They aren't trustworthy.

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  2. sigh. IMO, the Birth Announcement wasn't for you and DH; it was for the senders who can now claim the High Moral Ground. It's like the people who sell religion door to door: If you politely say, "No, thank you" they hear, "See ya next week at Church" and you'll never get rid of them. If ya set the dogs and a colorful litany of profanity loose, they run for their vehicle and are never seen again. The only response that "works" is not found in any etiquette book. These people transcend the definition of Social Moron.
    The Announcement was strictly pro forma. Your mistrust came about the old fashioned way: They earned it.
    TW

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  3. I agree with TW. Glad to hear that your long absences is from being very busy. Go Jonsi. I hope that your life is filled with joy. I appreciate you leaving the blog up since it is a place to survey narcissistic thinking and manipulations and why etiquette just doesn't work with a Narc. Have fun. :)

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  4. I agree with TW too. My mother was notorius for commiting the most horrendous acts to and around the family and then giving someone a card for their birthday dmade her feel/look like a good person after she had wrecked their marriage etc.

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    1. Thing is that I don't think DA is a narcissist. He's just an asshole. And I just can't wrap my mind around the extreme religious views that obviously color everything he does. But I don't doubt that he's still in contact with NMIL (in fact, I'm sure) and that alone is enough to get us to stay away from him. Especially because my husband asked him to end whatever sick relationship he and his wife had going on with her.

      So any interaction with them is tainted, both by their own fucked up (in my opinion) personal belief systems that DO effect us, and their continued relationship with NMIL.

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    2. Is DA too stupid to realize your MIL only hangs with him to maintain some sort of tie to you and your husband.

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    3. Yes. I can only assume he thinks they are "actually" friends. (Which is laughable for a lot of reasons).

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  5. I consider excessive references to religion right up there with crocodile tears. In the midst of the most outlandish betrayals my mother would burst into a blubbering cascade of fake tears and by the time she was done, she would have the wife of some guy she screwed comforting her for banging the woman's husband. It's just too hard to reconcile them being such an ass at the same time they are palavering about brotherly love.

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    1. Exactly. They are the worst kinds of hypocrites.

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  6. If they are fanatics they will probably stay in touch so that DH has the chance to change his ways and they will be there when he decides too.

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    1. Sigh. Yes, Evan that's my guess as well. It's the same with EFIL and L. They aren't, perhaps, as fanatical, but I think their religious beliefs drive them to some of their stalking behaviors. For people who consider themselves "pious," they seemed to have set themselves up as demi-gods.

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