the Truth is in the details
One of my favorite poets.
I hope everything is good with you and your little family. I've been thinking of you.
Hi Gladys,All is well in fact. We've just been so busy that I haven't had much time for blogging these past few weeks. I'm excited for Spring - we've got a lot of plans for the next few weeks and months (for our house and our growing family). I'm hoping to find some time soon to catch up on my reading and do a few posts. I hope all is well with you as well!Love,Jonsi
Hi last year you gave me some good advice regarding my mother in law and how to keep my daughter safe. My husband thought I was mad and it was all in my head. Somehow she put a wedge in our marriage. Then last year we went on a holiday and she turned up-(surprise!) at first my husband turned into her dutiful son. And as far as he was concerned everything was sunshine and roses. Mother was no 1 !!Then I don't know what happened exactly, but a light bulb went on in his head.He's created boundaries He's reaffirming those boundariesShe sends in flying monkeys- he reaffirms his commitment to me and our daughterWe've gone to therapyAnd he has gone by himself as wellOur daughter is thrivingHer stammer only appears when she's anxious with excitement.I tell her take a deep breath and put my hand on her heart. We will see his mother again at family events, we won't isolate ourselves. But we will never leave our daughter alone with her.Sometimes I think his mother said something bad about our daughter to him, I don't know what it is but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Just when I decided I'm not saying anything anymore I'm just going to make sure my daughter is safe. He just saw everything plainly.We got away, and thank you for your advice.
Hi anon, I am not sure what advice I gave you and I doubt that it was a cure-all to your struggles, but I'm glad to hear that whatever I shared with you helped. I'd be curious to know what it was that caused your husband to have that moment of clarity which marked such a major turning point for him. I do wonder why he hasn't shared it with you, perhaps it wasn't anything so specific that he could put his finger on it. At any rate, I think it sounds like you have both developed more solid boundaries with your MIL and that both you and your husband are on the same page, when you weren't before, which is absolutely essential to having a healthy relationship with each other. This is a bright note in my day, thank you for sharing.
He hasn't shared what it was because we only talk about her in therapy. We are not ready to talk about her anywhere else. If we do talk about her -even there- I get angry, and he wants to spring to her defence. She raised him, that Mother is like God! There is no religion in their family, I realize now its because everyone had to worship her.If he tells me now what she said, did or was planning to do , I will probably confront her in a very ugly angry way. I have a rage now, which I have never felt in my life. He is waiting for the point where I can listen to him and not do the I TOLD YOU she was crazy -thing.I'm not there yet.It will take some time. She has unleashed some wild animal inside me because I know she means my child real harm. I must work to keep my emotions in check and not come across as crazy, because it will be ammunition she will use against me in some way to manipulate my husband.(Therapist told me- prepare for more crazy. )We're not out of the woods, but we're not sitting ducks either.Thanks Jonsi.
You're right, not out of the woods yet. But it seems you are on your way and there must be some reassurance in that. I can hear your anger and you have a right to it. I always try to remind myself that the anger I feel is probably the same anger that my husband would have felt if he had not been taught to bury and repress it, and that makes me feel that we are BOTH more human for it.I know all about the anger that comes when someone is or becomes a threat to our babies. I feel you, sister. Rise up. Keep fighting the good fight. I'm with you.
I have been looking for something like this for about 3 years. DH's sister is a total narcissist and his eyes, as well as mine, were opened in one fell dramatic swoop. We've gone no contact from that moment on but the 'guilt' from his side of the family weighs heavy on him.I'll be reading...
Hi Anon,I'm sorry that you are so familiar with this struggle. I hope you'll find some strength in knowing you are not alone.xoJonsi