Wednesday, February 27, 2013

100 Signs And Traits Of Narcissism

From Think Like A Blackbelt: 100 Signs and Traits of Narcissists by Lori Hoeck. This is a decently extensive list, which is something I tend to look for when I'm re-posting something. I like lists. I like lists that contain a whole lot of information even more. If you're new to the idea of narcissism and are just doing preliminary research about it, this is a general but informative place to start:

- A sense of superiority places them above others
- Must be the center of attention, constantly seeking approval, acknowledgment, kudos, accolades, praise
- Act like they are the lead character in all things in life
- Dominate conversations because they believe they have the only worthwhile things to say
- Want others to give into their demands, request for favors, and put their needs first
- Have inflated egos, inflated sense of entitlement, inflated sense of importance, inflated need to be center stage
- Envious of other people’s accomplishments and will steal, lie, or sabotage others to get attention back to them
- Envious of other people’s possessions, they will put such ownership down or minimize it to make themselves look more noble
- Search for constant approval and praise to reinforce their false grandiose sense of self, they’re “on- stage,” dominating the conversation, often exaggerating their importance
- (Since the self is so fragile — an ever crumbling construction of their ego) — use power, money, status, looks, supposed past glories (or supposed future glories) to boost their image
- See criticism as baseless attacks or betrayal and countered with cold-shoulder anger or rage or chilly stares or verbal attack.
- Can never accept blame. Others are always to blame.
- Feel being center of attention is good, right, and proper
- Have a grandiose sense of self-importance
- Think they are special, God-touched, or privileged
- Think they can only be understood by other special or high-status people
- Have unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment
- Believe they are beyond the rules. Laws do not apply to them and remorse is only felt when someone catches and confronts them.
- High maintenance because they need your attention, praise, and deference
- Fake sweetness, honor, and good intentions, but deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true selves.
- Express grand, exciting plans, but rarely can make them happen
- Blame others rather than take personal responsibility
- Lack of empathy colors everything they do.
- May say, “How are you?” when you meet, but they are not interested
- Their blame-shifting creates defensiveness. Then they belittle the defensiveness: “Why are you so angry?”
- Since they shift blame so well & seamlessly, your guilt/insecurity issues stay raw and over-sensitive.
- Lend you a hand up, then subtlety cut off at the knees to keep you indebted & coming back.
- If you point out an error they made, they go into defensive mode counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, or withdraw
- Give you a metaphorical rug & then keep pulling it out from under you
- They are: blowhards, braggarts, blusterers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, and ultimately bogus.
- Help you gain certain skills/info/connections, but then forever make you feel beholden to them.
- Extremely skilled at making anyone under their influence crave their approval.
- Make you feel special & then emotional distance themselves in ways that keep you unsure of yourself.
- Use a judgmental “you’re OK”/”you’re not OK” yo-yoing to keep you off-balance & “blameworthy.”
- Groom people via manipulation (charm/rage combo) to sell their reality/rationalizations to others.
- Virtually all of their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others, people they know and perhaps think of as an authority.
- Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversations of others.
- Expect others to do mundane things, since they feel too important to do them
- Constantly use of “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk.
- Very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, for example.
- Lie, using subterfuge and deception as tools
- Are stuck in one level of maturity where growth is not an option
- Only have eyes for “me, myself, and I” instead of “we”
- Don’t understand empathy, except to fake it as a tool
- Play “Give to get” by being nice or helpful only to expect reciprocation
- Put on the air of “having it all together” and will not readily admit failure or weakness
- Jump to defensive mode readily and frequently
- May apologize, but it doesn’t mean a real change in behavior
- Run from their own problems rather than tackling them
- Demand your trust rather than being transparent and earning it
- See you as extensions of themselves and resist your freedom
- Create stories, euphemisms, sayings, definitions, rules they hold up as Truth. Their world is false.
- Must talk about themselves & be in control. They want you to just be an ego-stroking entity for them.
- Find personality weaknesses & exploit them as easily as you & I ride a bicycle.
- Will rarely listen to or respect your “No”
- Take advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
- Appear tough-minded or unemotional
- React to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others
- Fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings
- Exaggerate achievements, personal history or talents
- Are unpredictable in mood and behavior
- Become aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, or withdraws when threatened
- Can vocalize regret for a short time when found out, but soon rationalizes it away
- Appearance is important, so primping or fastidiousness is common
- Withdraw or a cold shoulder is used as a tool to make you do what they want
- Rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top
- Will steal an idea, quote, lesson plan, piece of wisdom — call it their own
- Groom underlings and create organizational or business environments to suit their need for ego stroking
- Create Employment Hemorrhage — narcissists drive people away with inconsistent, raging, and arrogant actions.
- Tend to be a lot of talk — fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Can suck up to bosses while talking down to those they think inferior
- Expect others to go along with them because their plans are better or special
- Expect constant praise and attention
- When work or plans fail, will blame others and make it sound plausible
- Will take advantage of co-workers
- Will be jealous of others’ success but wear a face of confidence
- Play the “If you don’t like it I’m taking my ball and going home” game
- Exaggerate abilities and uses blame-shifting to cover deficits
- Can’t understand “There is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’.”
- Often argumentative, but arguments are convoluted, emotional, irrational
- They feel that the rules at work don’t apply to them.
- They will always cheat whenever they think they can get away with it.
- If you share workload with them, expect to do the lion’s share yourself.
- They love to delegate work or projects and then interfere by micro-managing things
- If things go well, they take the credit; if the work turns out badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.
- There tend to be higher levels of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.
- They get impatient and restless when the topic of discussion is about someone else, and not about them.
- Value religiosity’s rules or business protocol over spiritual growth.
- Take pride in their own righteousness and rightness.
- Attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs.
- Can’t believe they make mistakes.
- Have an inability to feel or process or truly understand shame.
- Create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears to manipulate later.
- Don’t use language as communication. It’s for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating.
- Their charm is false. Contradict them a few times & you’ll feel their out-of-proportion narcissistic rage.
- Their conversations & interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, & create drama.
- Are black holes, working to get time, money, or talent from you.
- Expect you to lend a listening ear and give votes of approval.
- Use emotional withdraw to create guilt and compliance.
- Will use the parental or child role to get what they want.
- Will betray secrets to feel more powerful.
- Can use flattery or sickly-sweet protests of innocence like a stealth weapon.
- Use verbal skills to block or deflect being confronted.
- Impact our lives negatively despite appearing to have some positive effect.
- Their subconscious creates a false ego from which to relate to the world. They are their own avatar!
- Subconsciously real relationships don’t exist for them. We’re all just players on the narcissists stage.
- Their sole subconscious pursuit is to be seen as God’s gift to the world in a certain area or skill set.
- Early emotional trauma freezes their worldview at that age, making them immature, impatient, inconsiderate.


  1. Geez, it's like my mother set out to hit every one of these. Bravo, Mom!

    1. Well this is my hubbys sister now how the hell do o get this freak away from me

    2. Anon, if you are a target, it's very difficult to get away. In our experience, No Contact is the only way to escape.

  2. I see NM in this for sure, but I found that NMIL really hit a lot of these points. Thanks for this!

  3. I am ticking this off like a checklist for my ex-best friend. So far she's hitting all of them! It's amazing how much denial I was in for all these years about her.

  4. I used this as a checklist today.. for myself... in my consternation in the last week, I really wanted to alleviate and absolutely DESTROY any behavior/habits I have that has rubbed off on me from living with so many narcissists in my life! It was a hard thing to do...self evaluation is probably the worst thing I have ever done...the questions, wow! It made me feel calm...can you believe that? and better equipped to be the person I WANT to be instead of what they have tried to beat me into...

    1. God bless you and all of your efforts on your journey. Gods truth will help you along the way. I know because that's how I'm surviving the N in my life. Much love to you

    2. I know exactly what Lisa means. Some barely come into contact with a TRUE narcissist and justifiably walk away from it feeling like they barely escaped from a hurricane. For these, the trauma IS real. Others of us only know the trauma and should one be lucky to escape ... they escape only to find the trauma is become the root of their identity. Lisa's need to go through the list and check herself rather than another is evidence of childhood trauma caused by narcs within her immediate family. I know.

  5. I used this as a checklist today...for my husband...he fits every has made me feel scared...he is dangerous...

  6. thee barbarian hit them all

  7. My supposed best friend of nearly 30 years...time to end this relationship as the behaviors are getting worse.

  8. Almost everything on this list fit in my MIL and SIL, my husband knows how they are and just ignores them but they have tried to put me through so much to the point I'm thinking cutting them out of my life is the only option.

  9. wow are you trying to describe MY mother and father?? because you're doing a darn good job. way to go :D thank you so much :D

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  11. Anyone, entering a love relationship, especially women entering into a relationship with a man, should do way more than keep the new relationship 'cool'. A narcissist feeds off of any type of attention and loves a challenge. The narcissist has great skills and experience. He's been doing this for a long time and he has a lot of time. And if the narcissist successfully hides the most of the red flags indicating narcissism and especially if it's your first experience with one, you'll likely get snared. However, in my opinion, the one most prominent indication of narcissism is always a person who is completely void of empathy. They don't have it EVER, but they can fake it; somewhat, anyway. To test for it- a narcissist never apologizes, but if he does it is NEVER I AM SORRY it is SORRY. In other situations the narcissist may fave empathy, but not much and will always find a way to subtley back it out. Listen for it.

  12. This is so my sil. Time to cut her off completely

  13. My family have completely lost my brother & his kids due to the manipulation of a poisonous NPD SIL(2nd wife)..her sneaky plans to get her greedy hands on my parents money backfired hence her new Jekyll behaviour now...he stupidly defends her while she acts like the innocent victim... luckily none of us feel the loss of him as he has become just as toxic as her and no one wants to be around either of them, including his own children!

    1. Wow!I'm curious to know what happened.

  14. My MIL to the 'T'.....sad my husband can't see it. She's ruined all her adult childrens relationships and doesn't care bc it's only about her. Thanks for the insight.

  15. Describes my SIL perfectly. So sad that my brother can't or won't get out of it. Her children went through hell but survived in tact. As adults now they rarely see their parents. Her narcissistic behavior landed her in jail years ago and has managed to separate my brother from his whole family, to he point of never seeing his father before his death and doing the same to our mother. So sad. What's a sister to do?

  16. This perfectly describes my sister in law

  17. this completely describes my father and ex-friend, i recently put them out of my life, making me less stressed.

  18. Sounds exactly like my younger sister, who I no longer have any contact with. After losing contact with her for several years, I was briefly reunited with her for a few months, during which time she used me for everything she felt she could get out of me, before throwing me away once she was finished with me. She got mad at me because I posted something on Facebook she disagreed with, and she went ballistic at the idea that I would dare post something she didn't like seeing--she actually told me not to post stuff she didn't like! After that, she refused to speak to me--and would not even allow her kids to speak to my kids! All because of something small and petty. Several months later. I became very ill, and had to be hospitalized three times over the course of about 6 months. During this time, she went loonie toons again--she became insanely jealous of the fact that our brother (whom she had also snubbed over something petty) came down to visit me at Christmas, and bought gifts for my kids, and also that a number of my friends got together and raised some money to help us out while I was sick. She started spreading tales about me to some distant family members, and even sent some of her friends to stalk and harass my kids while I was gone! She also tries to run my brother's name into the ground, and seems to be constantly saying nasty things about people, as if she wants to get people to hate each other and fight all the time. Sorry for the rambling...I needed to get this off my chest. Many of the things in this article describe her to a "T." Thank you for this post.

  19. Perfectly matching a woman I know,i give 100/100 marks to you, coz I never knew something of this kind existed. Thnks fr eye opener.
    Can u pls share how to tackle this evil MIL.

  20. Wow this post is spot on. My SIL fits the description to a T. She is so fake and loves to act like mother teresa. SIL and MIL are both the same. They are terrible. They act like they are entitled to special treatment when they come in town to stay with us. They want us to take them out to eat, pay for their personal souvenirs to take back, etc. And my husband goes along with it because they guilt trip him. Its amazing how people think just because you are related that you don't have your own bills to pay and responsibilities for your own household. My SIL spends her money irresponsibly and has nothing to show for. But my husband and I like to save and spend only when we need to. My SIL thinks just because we are financially better off that we have to pay for things when they visit. And when we don't she gets upset and makes underhanded comments. What a bit-h! Thanks for this post and good luck to everyone out there struggling with the same issues. Its a tough situation to be in with your husbands family but you have to assert your place from the beginning and make it known that you are in control of your family's finances, not them.

  21. I was close friends with a trainer in the gym., but I noticed this woman used to sit behind the podium and check us out, she was sizing him up for the kill. She naturally has black hair and normal eyes but she dyes her hair honey blonde and appear to wear contacts, sometimes eyes look brown, blue and other days green. I naturally have very light honey brown hair and hazel eyes. Many other decent women train with him and have better bodies but don't change their hair and eye color every other day and dress for the gym:sadly they go unnoticed; In the pics other women are there but all eyes are on her esp she get credit from other women; rarely you will see a guy make a comment on his pics of her on his Social Media. She work out with him several times daily and granted she can master the workouts and remind me of me in this sense. There is no doubt of low self esteem with her, she holds her head down all the time; nevertheless she dress somewhat similar and drives a nice car but uses a lot of profanity and speak derogatory and humiliates; Narcissist are usually well educated or smart but clearly she is not. She acts like a child and little decorum; but her appearance gives her a lot of attention on Social Media, no matter how despicable she comes across. They both give people mixed signal as to where their relationship stands; but one day she clearly posted "we are not a couple" you could clearly see tension in latter pics and body language is huge but if you are not in the field of psychology may not pick it up. Main people in his Life that could speak truth either moved or stopped going to the gym.I Believe he depends on her pay and so they appear as twins. They go out to eat often, he calls it a cheat day but appear she picks up the bill bc she hinted that during one of their outings he recorded. As hard as it was I stepped aside gracefully but continued to go to the Gym, until twice I walked out and my car was keyed or scratched; on the 2nd time she was there and at the location my car was parked. I saw right through her from day one but I couldn't prove she keyed the car. I do believe what goes around will come around and that she is sneaky about something or have more to hide Im sure by now he has seen her true colors, by now by his comments made so I'm disappointed that he would be an enabler. I stopped going to the gym and miss my friends much; surely in her mind she has the Upper hand but I prefer to keep my physical distance but still observing in case she is up to any new tricks.

  22. I guess were all liers and manipulaters...

  23. My half sister exactly. She is abusive my whole life. She is a lot older than me and is 59 now, she went really nuts during my mother's funeral where she had to comment on everything that she feels is wrong with me. The day before she wanted me to dress for the funeral like she wanted me to dress and hit me in the face in the dressing rooms when I asked her to stop telling me what to do. On top of that she is still using my late mother's bank account to pay for her personal things as she never told the bank my mother passed away.She also has done nothing to get my mother's affairs sorted, she just left it as they were and claims oh I am so busy. Works at city hall as a benefits officer telling other people they will be sanctioned or denied an income. Go figure.