Saturday, January 19, 2013

Keep Off The Grass

A note to estranged parents: Guys, I just wanna give you a heads-up here. You know, to save you the trouble of leaving stupid comments on my blog that read like jokes to me and are worth nothing more than the wave of a hand and the blow of a raspberry before I go on about my business: If you're planning on using stale rhetoric to try and convince anyone here that you are right, that your estranged adult child is nothing but a spoiled brat who doesn't respect you or deserve your respect, or that the entirety of "this generation" (which is really funny considering that I know quite a few people from different generations who are dealing with estrangements from their parents) is spoiled and narcissistic and therefore crazy in any decisions they make to leave their FOOs, then consider yourself warned: I'm telling you now that if you come here posting shit that sounds anything like that, it will be published but dismissed.

Consider the following arguments already noted and for the love of all that's holy, just keep it to yourself. I've already heard this shit and it's getting really, really old:

- None of us could possibly know our parents or in-laws enough to know if they are capital-E "Evil."
- The words and actions of a parent or in-law are not a good indication of who they are and should therefore not be assessed accordingly.
- All parents and in-laws deserve respect no matter what
- All "kids" of "this generation" were handed their lives on a silver platter
- Most estranged adult sons and daughters are selfish, immature, and narcissistic
- Estranged adult sons and daughters (and their spouses and offspring) should offer forgiveness to whomever the estranged parents see fit
- Estranged adults owe it to their parents, and in some cases siblings, to abandon their own "perceived" truths and realities in order to fit back into whatever mold their parents created for them
- If an adult son is estranged, it's probably mostly due to his crazy, narcissistic, manipulative wife, who tore him away from everyone he loved and all of his friends and other people who "really" care about him. (And vice versa for estranged adult daughters)
- We should be ashamed of ourselves, because you say so
- It would be fantastic if our children "abandon" us the way we've "abandoned" you
- All estranged adults are heathens for not believing in their parents' god
- Everything is to blame for the estrangement, except for the the parent or the history of the parent/child relationship or parent/DIL or SIL relationship
- We're too insensitive or are making a mountain out of a molehill, merely taking note of every "perceived" slight as a way to gather evidence against our parents/in-laws to keep them at bay
- Estranged adult kids and their spouses must clearly be expecting perfection (whatever that means) from their parents
- We should just accept that our parents or in-laws 'did the best they could' and let go of our petty and trivial "excuses" for "leaving the family."
- Estranged adult kids would be better off divorcing their spouses and allowing their parents full access to their children
- We were not abused, disrespected, devalued, dejected, disregarded, or unloved in any way, shape or form
- Most estranged parents or in-laws were "too good" or "too nice" or "too loving" to their adult sons and daughters
- Estranged adult kids and their spouses are just bullies, who did not (I repeat did not) learn it, or any other undesirable behaviors, from their parents
- Adult children owe "common courtesy" to their parents, which means that when an estranged parent shows up unannounced and uninvited at their child's door, the child is obligated to open it and welcome them with open arms
- Adult children should drop everything (including their spouses and children) and run whenever their parents need them
- Anything important to the parent transcends anything that could possibly be important to the adult child
- If the term "I'm sorry" has ever been uttered, spoken, or thought, the estranged adult child should accept it and move back in with his parents immediately, no questions asked; if it has not been mentioned, the estranged adult child should accept that he doesn't deserve it
- The estranged adult child has no right to ask any questions, and if he does, he should understand that he doesn't deserve any answers
- A form letter is a great indication of how hard an estranged parent is trying to connect with his or her adult son or daughter
- Estranged adult children were all raised with love, kindness, and happiness, even if the adult child says otherwise. In cases where the adult child was "legitimately" always could have been worse.
- If the adult child experienced any turmoil in his or her childhood, either real or "imagined," it's just inevitable and should be dismissed
- Estranged parents had it worse than their kids
- Truisms are awesome and should be used to maintain a false front of intelligence, wisdom, and purity
- GOD, and therefore, come back to the FOO

I could go on, but hopefully you get my point.

Actually, chances are you won't get my point at all and you'll find loopholes in what I'm saying here, but whatever. My point is this: leave comments like the examples I've given above and find yourself an Open Your Eyes and See pariah. I'll read it. I'll even publish it.

But inside, I'll be laughing like hell. 'Cause you sound like a moron. Quit crapping on my lawn.


  1. This stuff truly is hilarious.

    My response? Yep. I'm an asshole of a daughter who utterly disrespects her perfect parents. And I am so much less miserable than I was when trying to be a part of their perfect family. I'm a deviant. Oh well. And on my best days, I don't even remember my parents at all.

    Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I didn't "let it go" the way estranged parents want. But everything is not about them, much to their rage and chagrin. Children are meant to blossom, not get smothered by the needs of their parents. Goddamn control freaks.

  2. Love it!

    My fave from my NFOO is that I'm a liar. Really? Who the hell could make this stuff up?

  3. This is fantastic: "And on my best days, I don't even remember my parents at all."

    Those are totally the best days.

    Mulderfan - You're right. They love calling us liars, don't they? Such hypocrisy.

  4. HAHAHAAA! Another windbag shaking their finger while they leave a steaming pile on the front lawn of an AC Blog. Yep, the Orifice of all that's "righteous" is in the building to inform us the Boogey-Man/Woman is gonna "git choo, you ULBs!"
    BTW, leaving aside the rest of the inane comment what IS "legitimate abuse?" Dunno why but for some reason the bar for "abuse" is always set in some position to exculpate the perpetrator-the EP. Interesting phenomena, IMO. Despite the futility of such let this old lady inform your thinking: Bruises fade. Burns scar over. Broken bones mend eventually. The internal Legacy of growing up with these NPs is by far the most injurious and lingering experience for AC's. Terminating the relationship is the recourse of *last* resort. Your "Wild Child" who you enabled for 9 yrs. didn't become that way in a vacuum: The impact of a parent on a child's life far out-weighs that of any other individual. You were handed an opportunity on a "silver platter" to be a PARENT, and failed miserably. For that, YOU bear responsibility which will never penetrate the denial in which you engage. Your 9 yr. attempts to buy off your AC and her kids didn't produce the desired "return on investment" you felt entirely ENTITLED to receive.
    And crapping on the Blog of an AC is simply displaced rage at your own "DD" who despite her "Wild Child" (ahem) persona clearly was smart enough to recognize you were far too dangerous for her AND her family to continue involvement with you. Good for her and better yet for her kids and DH: Another AC breaks free and breaks the cycle.
    And THAT reality does this old lady's heart far more good than your inane comment. The shame is your's: Own it.

    1. The thing that always gets me is when they come to my blog to leave these comments. It just shows that they haven't even read anything on here and don't care about my story, who I am, or what I represent. I'm not an estranged adult child, so it's odd that anyone would direct this kind of commentary at me at all. I "side" with EAC in most cases. And I'm married to one. I guess that's good enough for them.

    2. Instead of reading these blogs to get some clues as to what they might have done wrong, they come here with their preconceived notions and hypocrisy and find that one post that speaks to whatever agenda they have. Then they try to use our blogs as their soap boxes and talking platforms. Such nonsense.

  5. I like what TW said about the estranged parent blowing their own "silver platter" opportunity. These nutcases forget what a huge responsibility parenting is and how enormous their influence -- good or bad -- is on their child. The blame everyone else for their child's behavior unless it reflects well on the parents. I'm sorry, that's not how it works in my house. I take full responsibility for my failings as a parent and I'm more likely to attribute my son's successes to his own credit. It's called respect, estranged parents. You claim you want it, but what you really want is unquestioning worship and obedience. You are not gods. Get over yourselves.

  6. People don't raise their children in a story book like existence and then get the door slammed in their face. It just doesn't happen.

  7. I have a mission for you should you choose to accept it. Modify what that lady wrote but make it from the perspective of being from the kid and post it on the daily strength and see how long it lasts before a moderator yanks it.

  8. Hmmmm, it's always about complete control of everyone in their world. No one is allowed to have an independent thought or feeling especially if it is in opposition to theirs. Kathleen Krajco wrote 3 blog posts that address how narcs use mirroring in different ways to get their way, and shame was one of the ways,(as these acid comments from narcs represent).

    Scroll down to Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008 for the 1st part of "What happens on their end of your interaction with a narcissist" She does a great job of disecting exactly what the narcs are up to--it's very helpful information.

    1. Thanks Anon, I've come across this site before and found some useful stuff. She makes some great analogies that make it easier to understand how a narcissist's mind works.

      "In interracting with you, a narcissist isn't expressing herself: since everything she does is solely for effect, truth is irrelevant."

      "...a narcissist isn't really interacting with you, she is interacting with her reflection in your behavior toward her."

      "She pays no attention to anything but the look on your face, the tone of your voice, your posture, gestures, and other things in your behavior that reflect (on) her. She just says or does whatever it takes to adjust those aspects of your behavior = to adjust her image in that mirror."

      "In identifying with her reflected image in your reaction to her, the narcissist is identifying with a mere caricature of herself. A work of art, a figment of her imagination . . . there behind the Looking Glass."

      "She is living in a world fiction there. Which is why virtually nothing she tells you is true, at least not in the details, which she edits on the fly to reflect on her as flatteringly as possible."

      "So, narcissism is all about attention, and she's gotta have it all. Her life is but a game of monopoly for it all."

      Definitely fantastic stuff. Thanks anon.

  9. :D:D:D:D

    I can't stop laughing :D
    It is hilarious how alike all they are :D

    And all this sh*t... c'mon, I've heard it all a thousand times and more from my own NM. LOL.

    These comments are nothing else but self-justification.

    They think that if they smear the content of their bowels on your face fast enough, you won't realize that they are the ones who are rotten to the core.


    I really should print this post and hang it outside my door :D


  10. Another article that addresses the narc arguments that jonsi listed in her blog.

    And here is the distillation of the article:
    Identify the most common strategies of fostering unhealthy (trauma) bonding and the most prevalent control mechanisms:

    Guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you.")

    Codependent ("I need you, I cannot cope without you.")

    Goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we can and must achieve")

    Shared psychosis or emotional incest ("You and I are united against the whole world, or at least against your monstrous, no-good father ...", "You are my one and only true love and passion")

    Explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion, values, if you do not obey my instructions - I will punish you").

    Wow, this seems to expose all the narc arguments.

  11. It's so WEIRD to me that these people want to be FOREVER AND EVER tied at the hip to their kids. I LOVE my kid - and I cannot tell you how GLAD I am that the whole 'child rearing' phase is OVAH.

    yes yes, raising a kid is great, best experience of my life, all children are special snowflakes blah blah blah it's EXHAUSTING and sticky and YES i loved it but he is a grown assed ADULT now and I no longer have to make a shopping list that includes 'frozen pizza' or '6 boxes of cereal', I no longer pick up 87 pairs of socks off the living room floor (besides my own), I haven't made a casserole in 2 years THANK YA JEEBUS.

    All of these NPs assume that the 'fun' never ends, that children will never grow up to be adults. But what is the np, exactly? THEY grew up (presumably). So it isn't like they have no experience with simple biology. It was ok for THEM to grow up and move out, move on, get married, etc. But completely abnormal for anyone else to want to do the same thing.

    According to their logic, however, everyone should WANT to be just like them...? So confusing, lol.

  12. Gladys, may I add: HOLIDAYS and BIRTHDAYS.
    I have two children (DS 28, DD 19). Long ago I understood that they would each find significant others and those relationships would change family celebrations. Hell, I not only understood, it was a desire of my heart. I enjoy scheduling "family" christmas two days before Dec 25. It warms my heart that they have established and wish to foster other relationships without worrying about having to be here at this time, there at that time.

    DD's 18th birthday fell on a Saturday. Plans were friends come to our house for cake and candles, then off to a dance club. As is usually the case, plans changed. They needed to gather at another home. I boxed up the cake and sparkling grape juice, put them in the car, kissed DD and sent her on her way. As she turned in our driveway to leave, I said to myself with a SMILE "I celebrate hers and her brother's life daily. I don't need to be present for a blow of a candle."

    Their NARC father? No, not so much. He lives two hours away. Every year for THANKSGIVING, CHRISTMAS and HIS BIRTHDAY; he puts them through the ringer. DS refers to him as a "man-child".

  13. Jonsi, I stumbled upon your blog by way of a desperate search for some answers, some explanation, some reason why my MIL behaves the way she does; or at least confirmation that maybe I am crazy. I feel like I could have written some of your posts! You have inspired me to start my own blog to share my story, so Thank You! While it is sad that so many people deal with this kind of evil, its also nice to know I'm not alone.

    1. Hi Nan,

      You are most definitely not alone! Welcome to the "Evil DIL's club" as many of us like to say. I look forward to reading your blog, it's always nice to know we aren't alone.



    2. Bahaha! I just checked out your blog. It's obviously still in it's infancy, but I do like the title. :o)

    3. Thanks, I intended on making my first post last night but time is a luxury with a 5 month old! I wanted a catchy little title and thought hopefully people will make the connection once I make some posts and don't associate me with some weird farm animal lover haha. Poor DH is indeed the goat in our drama and I am more ready than ever to go NC, however my fear is that even when NMIL pushes his buttons and he gets so angry that he says he is done with her, he inevitably goes back for more. Even if he is done with her this time, for some reason he struggling with the idea that she should still get to see DD, which means me too since I refuse to drop my child off and leave her with NMIL without one of us there. She has already proven she can't be trusted even with us there.

    4. I am so familiar with everything you just said. NMIL was never left alone with DD and never had the chance to be alone with DS. I always felt that even a five month old, a one year old (whatever the age!) could suffer some sort of emotional turmoil at the hands of a narcissist. I also well understand the struggle to find time to write - it's never easy with little ones. I can't wait to see your first post.