Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Truth Speaks For Itself

After radio silence from NMIL and Co. for DD's birthday, I will admit I had thought we were in the clear. But I also recognized that, while I'm generally operating from a place of rational thinking, the same can not be said of DH's FOO. Thus, I was not entirely surprised when we got a piece of mail from EFIL and L on November 25th. Nor was I surprised that the envelope had no return address and that it was just transparent enough that I could see it's contents without even having to hold it up to the light.

Maybe L thought it would come as an unpleasant shock to us to get an invitation to their three hundredth annual Christmas party since they didn't send one out to us last year.  I know they didn't actually expect us to show up or even to R.S.V.P., though it is really super funny to me to imagine what THAT might have looked like. So my analysis with this one is pretty simple:

The lack of return address on the envelope was such an obvious power play: L knew we would recognize her handwriting and had clearly envisioned us receiving the envelope but not being able to return it to sender; though I also don't think she's stupid enough to assume that we wouldn't just write the return address on the envelope ourselves and THEN return it. Which I had considered for a moment, until I realized that to do so would just be to voluntarily re-inject ourselves into playing the game by their rules and then I scrapped the idea. I'm fairly certain that when L wrote out the address, she was fully aware of precisely how it would be perceived on our end.

I'm also fairly certain, as I already mentioned above, that they didn't believe for even a second that we'd actually be attending their little shindig. There are times when I wish I could be a fly on the wall or that I was clairvoyant or something - because it really is fascinating to me to pick at this stuff a little bit. I have found myself pondering what, precisely, these people are thinking when they pull this shit out of their asses. I mean, after a year of stalking and hounding us, and then a year of complete silence, a Christmas party invitation is the best they can come up with? It's really...I mean, it's laughable. It's a total joke. And I think the fact of the matter is that their lame attempts at randomly slapping at us now and then are the great and final culmination of their anti-Jonsi war. You know, Christmas party invitation once a year equals the last dying breaths of a fish out of water.

Pathetic is what I'd call the whole thing. I remember once, sometime in 2010 I think, having a brief conversation with L in which she admitted to me that she and EFIL still sent out Christmas party invitations to all of his siblings, even though only two of his brothers ever came and the rest didn't bother to respond let alone show up. The bit of information that I tucked away in my pocket though, was the reason she cited for keeping up the tradition - she said that they continued inviting EFIL's brothers to their major events and parties because they "wanted to be the bigger people." According to my translation, which is just as significant in our case and I'm sure applies to this most recent attempt at contact, this kind of mentality speaks to EFIL and L's constant craving for having an unblemished social noteriety. Sending out their little yearly holiday invite has nothing to do with a genuine desire to communicate with us and everything to do with their annual renewal of spit-shine on their reputations.

Especially when you consider the fact that they aren't supposed to contacting us anyway. In a rational person's world-view, it would have been pretty obvious well before we sent our official letter of NC that we were no longer interested in conversing or in having a relationship any longer. And, such a rational person would have seen fit to leave us the hell alone, likely without ever requiring a point-blank statement such as the one we sent to EFIL and L in November of last year. But, as I've said, EFIL and L are not rational individuals, they don't see reason, and they are not interested in respecting us. This recent invitation is just as clear a sign as any that they are not interested in reconciling, nor are they aroused by the idea that actually respecting our needs and our space could have potentially earned them some of our time in the future. I think it's all really just a game to them at this point; one that they still hope to win even though they seem to barely spare a thought for it every once in a while.

One thing I will say is this: it truly is a relief not to have to deal with these people (or their lame annual get-togethers) any more. Because of our history with them, I can't help but feel that for as long as we had a relationship with them their stupid Christmas party would have been a point of contention every year. Unbeknownst to them I'm sure, the date of their party also happened to be the date of DS's third birthday party. Take just a second to imagine how THAT would have looked, if we were still in contact with these fuckers. All anyone has to do is see how they behaved during DD's first birthday party or in the weeks prior to DS's birth to understand precisely how they would have behaved in years to come for other of our important functions. So I'm glad - oh-so-glad - that we don't have to worry about dealing with their self-absorbed agendas anymore, or their scheming or wheeling and dealing. That's all over now.

And I can continue to tuck their nonsense away in my binder, where it will stay until any one of our children are interested in knowing our history with Daddy's FOO. The truth speaks for itself.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh

Well, Hal-ay-fucking-luyah. DD's birthday came and went. And we heard not a peep out of NMIL and Co. It would seem that my theories about the mentality of my husband's FOO on the whole were correct. That is to say that, because our children do not serve an immediate purpose in their schemes and are not available to be used or manipulated, their very existence will be therefore denied by DH's parents for the time being. I had planned only to blog when the narcs made attempts to reach out to us in some way, but in this case I thought it prudent to mark down this lack of contact in the records. Because while their constant contact in previous years spoke volumes, their ignorance of those same holidays and occasions this year does as well.

While DH's family may well use this occasion as well as the entirety of this past year as evidence that they have now decided to "respect our rules," I would not be fooled by any such claim. Their lack of attempts to contact either my husband or my children is no more an act of respect than their attempts to reach out either before, during, or after we declared No Contact. They have chosen this past year to ignore us because they have found no further use for us under these circumstances and know of no way to win my husband back. I believe they have played all of their cards and have no more tricks up their sleeves - or at least no more tricks that they think will bring them any success.

L's public declaration concerning her denial of my children's existence was as clear a sign as any that she and EFIL have likely come to the realization that no card, no phony savings account, no ruse, no words will accomplish their sick goals. And while I think it sad, in an emotionally distant sort of way, that none of DH's parental figures have considered his worth as a son, or even as a human being, I am more relieved by their silence than I could have anticipated. I would rather the silence - the avoidance of any activity on their parts -  than any of their pitiful, passive-aggressive, and ultimately monotonous attempts at contact.

Over time, their power over my husband has diminished so much that they are now nothing more than the memory of annoying insects occasionally buzzing in our ears. Our uprising has been a success. Every time we speak, there is a revolution and that revolution will never die because we have never and will never stop fighting for our rights and for respect. I don't doubt that DH's FOO will forever hope that he and I get divorced or that I somehow manage to fall off the face of the earth. And I don't doubt that, if an occasion arises out of which they think they can hurt DH in a way they haven't been able to recently, they will not hesitate to use it to their advantage. Yet still, I count their complete ignorance of my daughter on her birthday this year as a huge win for us: not because it suddenly means that DH's parents respect us or our request for NC, but because it means they realize, at least on some level, that it didn't work as a manipulative tactic in the past. They did not get a rise out of us. They could not incite a response, at least not one that they wanted.

And so once again, these people have set up their own lose-lose situation. Which is ironic, considering that they were the ones who set the dynamic right from the start - and they wanted to win. They probably even thought they had a standing chance to do so. Except that they didn't. And it's their own fault.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Denial Of Fact

I don't know that I'll ever be able to wrap my mind completely around the level of denial and dysfunction that seems to emanate from DH's FOO. With DD's birthday just around the corner, DH and I have been pondering whether or not we'll hear from them sometime in the next couple of days, and what will be our course of action if they do. But the real reason I've taken a temporary step out of my blogging retirement at this time is to discuss something that I discovered recently that sort of peaked my interest and which should prove to make EFIL and L's potential for contact in the next couple of days even more intriguing.

A couple of years ago, I found L's public profile on her company's website and though she doesn't offer up much in the way of personal information there, she did include one small bite of material that interested me. In the profile, up until about two weeks ago, she listed the following in a single bullet point under the heading Personal Background: "I live in [Town] with my husband [EFIL] and have four grown children and 1 grandchild." That one grandchild was DD, as L didn't have any other grandchildren at the time, and I found the website sometime in the year after DD was born. That information stayed the same, even after DS was born, and after DH's step-siblings each had a child. I checked in on that website from time-to-time because I was curious about how she'd eventually update that number. Every time I checked it, I was anticipating an update with numbers that did not reflect reality because I was banking on L's petty nature shining through.  Then about two weeks ago, I read this: "I live in [Town] with my husband [EFIL] and have four grown children and four grandchildren."

L has met more grandchildren than she's accounting for and I know which ones she's left out of the equation. The manipulation of this detail both fascinates and disgusts me for a couple of reasons, the first being that L continues to claim DH as one of her "grown children" but denies the existence of two of his children; the second being that both she and DH's biological father had seen fit to include statements in their last direct correspondence to us about their "love" for those same two grandchildren whose existence they are now denying. The way I figure, she hasn't deleted DH from her tally of grown kids because it would be a hell of a lot harder for her to explain away his mysterious disappearance from her computations than it would be to accurately portray the number of grandchildren she has, only to later subtract the ones who's existence she can no longer use for leverage. Since she never updated the information about how many grandchildren she had, she didn't have to worry that someone somewhere just might question the mysterious disappearance of a couple of them. Keeping DH in there is just a way for her to save face. She can easily pretend our children don't exist because mostly, no one will notice that she left them out.

Frankly, it's disturbing to me that EFIL and L could, on the one hand, claim to care about our kids and on the other hand be so willfully ignorant of of the reality that they created. Our children exist. And they exist in a world where EFIL and L are no longer welcome because EFIL and L chose to behave like assholes. Our childrens' existence is not, however EFIL and L like to imagine, contingent upon their usefulness. And so it's like this: in EFIL&L Land, DD and DS are either real or imagined, but they can't be both. If a card comes from them in the next couple of days addressed to my daughter, I will have just one more bit of proof, supplied by L herself, that her "love" and "caring" only goes as far as the subject's ability and willingness to be a resource. If a card does not come, well Hal-ay-fucking-luyah.

Monday, August 12, 2013

An Ending

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair." - C.S. Lewis

Here on this blog, as in life, I have both sought the truth and told the truth and I will continue to do so in all of my endeavors. Today, just now, I came to the fantastic resolve that I would move on; that my life holds far greater things in it than dwelling on the likes of the evil people I have known and who have hurt me and those I love. That is not to say that I feel anyone in this community is wasting his or her own time by thinking about their own pasts, or the demons that hurt them; instead it is a realization that I have done the work I've needed to do and am ready to move on. I have decided that today is the day I would effectively end this particular journey and this particular blog. That is not to say that I won't ever write again, because I will continue to use this blog as a place to monitor and record any further attempts my husband's FOO makes to contact us. But I will not be writing on a regular basis anymore.

I will leave my blog open for others to read it - I feel that the truths I have shared here may yet help more wounded souls who are just beginning their journeys toward truth and self-discovery. I will also leave my blog open to comments and continue to check my email on a regular basis for those who wish to reach out to me or continue a dialog with me. And I want to thank my friends and fellow bloggers for sharing their stories with me and offering me exactly the kind of support I had hoped to find when I first came on the scene, first as an observer, then as a commentator, and eventually as a blogger.

"The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is." - Winston Churchill

I feel that my blog has been a worthwhile pursuit and the hours I have spent writing and sharing my experiences have been extremely healing for me. From day one, I felt welcomed into what I considered a community and even though our members sometimes come and go (and in a way I am now doing the same), I think there is some long-lasting bond, some camaraderie between all of us. I've always thought of us as a group of sort of ragtag misfits - we never fit in anywhere else before, but somehow we fit in here. Not to be cheesy, but there's a vein of love here, a thread that runs through each of us and ties us together. I feel for many of you as I have felt for my husband - I'm sorry you had the parents you did, I'm sorry for anyone who has ever had to deal with a narcissist, for anyone who has ever wanted a sociopath to care and realized that it would never happen, for anyone who has ever tied up his or her own self-worth in the value that some asshole assigned. I feel for you, and I'll never stop feeling for you.

DH and I have big plans and projects underway. Our family is growing and I am more confident than ever that we will survive and thrive. I was talking with my grandmother this morning and one of the topics that came up was how different my FOO is, that I've never seen another like ours, that we're lucky to be a part of it and have each other. And I hope to take the knowledge and wisdom and the love I've always had in my life and share it - with you, my dear friends and readers, with my husband, with our children, and with other souls who cross our paths. I feel I have a lot of growth still to achieve and a lot to offer to the world. I'm glad I have taken this journey. I'm glad I chose to share it.

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." - T.S. Elliot

Thank you friends.

Love,

Jonsi

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

It's All Relative

Today, I found myself thinking about the correlation between a person's level of dysfunction and their inability slash unwillingness to discuss their interpersonal conflicts in particular with those they have engaged with in some kind of power play. For the sake of this post, I'm going to loosely define "normal" as the non-personality disordered and "personality disorder" as specifically relating to those who exhibit narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors. So what I've noticed is that for fairly obvious reasons, it's a whole hell of a lot easier to discuss interpersonal conflict with a normal person than it is to discuss with the personality disordered.

I have about a million examples I could share about how the non-personality disordered tend to engage in conflict resolution because I've generally lived that way my whole life - with a FOO consisting of pretty good problem solvers and critical thinkers and perhaps most importantly, honest individuals. I'll give you an example: Sometime last year, I became pretty concerned about the child of a loved one as I felt that she was exhibiting obsessive-compulsive behaviors that had started at a very young age and I was genuinely worried that she might not be able to cope with her anxieties as time passed. Unfortunately, not only did I end up offering my unsolicited advice to her parents, but in hindsight, I realized that I did it in such a way that came across as being rather offensive and disconcerting. I meant well, but I didn't immediately recognize the signs from my loved ones that my opinions were really not welcome. And so I kept at it, offering my thoughts and opinions, and even talking in such a way that probably came across as though I knew more about their own child and what was best for her than they did.

I was concerned for her, but it simply wasn't my business to step in and offer my advice when it wasn't asked for and when it was, however subtly, being refused. But my point is this: the parents of this little girl were not pleased with what they felt was me butting into their business and their parenting. I think that when it became apparent that I really wasn't picking up on the clues that they didn't want my opinions on the matter, they decided they had to address it directly. And so my loved one called me on the phone one night, obviously distressed, and explained that she wanted me to stop offering advice and opinions and that she disagreed with me almost completely. She described her feelings and her thoughts. She shared with me her fear that, even if I didn't share my thoughts aloud to their daughter, that she would feel I thought these things about her and that it would make her self-conscious or feel badly. She asked me to stop sharing my thoughts with other members of the extended family (which I had been doing and which I'd shared with her because I thought the information I gathered from another close relative of mine, who also had an anxiety-prone child, would be helpful to her).

I felt bad while I was talking to her. I remember getting sweaty and hot and having an overall sense that I had stepped over some boundaries that I shouldn't have. I told her that I would honor her request not to talk with extended family members anymore concerning the issue and I apologized for having put her in such a position that she felt she needed to address it with me. And days later, I was still thinking about it. I told my husband in days to come that I could understand why my language had been offensive (I remember using phrases like, "What should WE do about this?" and "WE have to do something,") and that I had come to the conclusion that it's not support if the opposing party isn't asking for it and makes it clear that it's unwanted. I was worried for a couple of days that the loved ones who had taken up issue with me might attempt to avoid me because they were so upset with me. My worries were unfounded, mostly because I think they were reassured that I would really work at keeping my opinions to myself in the future (which I have) and that I saw the issues from their perspective (which I did.)

It was such a difference from having to deal with the personality disordered, where not only do you have to account for the fact that they tend to be the most dishonest people you'll ever meet, but they are also the most manipulative and indirect. They don't come to you to express their concerns, and when they do, they spend more time bullying you into submission and backing you into a corner than they do attempting to actually converse with you. As equals. They have hidden agendas. And the real rub is that they still won't communicate with you about their personal gripes with you, even when you give them the clear opportunity to do so. DH and I have been there - we've offered his family (and in some cases friends) the chance to share their thoughts and feelings and experiences. Sometimes the offer came from the both of us, other times from just DH. For myself, I can say that at various points I had a very real interest in hearing what they had to say (if only they were willing to say it, and say it honestly!). I have found myself wondering at times, how DID they experience the events I have written about? What were they thinking? What were they feeling (or not feeling?) How have their life experiences lead them to see those moments differently than I might have seen them? I have had such a deep desire to understand them - their motives, their feelings, their experiences. Because I well recognize that we all come to the table with different baggage and we respond differently to stimuli as a result.

And still, often there is no answer. And when there is an answer, you always always always have to consider the source. And then you have to pick through the blaming and the projection and the denial. And by the time all that is done, there is nothing left that's real or tangible to go by anyway; nothing left to indicate any of the things you were looking for: their emotional state, their thoughts, their opinions. If any of that even exists, it's buried underneath all of the manipulative bullshit.

What gets me every time is that we offered on numerous occasions for them to share their side of the story with us. Our invitations could not have been any clearer. And they refused, never in a direct way, but they refused. Sure did drive the point home that every last one of them had a hidden agenda. Every last one.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

A More Accurate Form Letter

If estranged parents like NMIL, EFIL & L, those who frequent forums like DailyStrength and Joshua Coleman, and those of the members of our community were willing to be honest...well hell, all of us would be have a different story to tell right now. But instead, they are who they are: cruel and unjust, completely lacking in empathy or self-esteem, shallow, deceitful, and manipulative. They are always quick to place all blame on the shoulders of their nearest scapegoats and they do not search within for answers. They are incapable of self-reflection. Many of them have so denied their own humanity, that there is nothing truly "human" left about them. Some, like NMIL, are forces for evil in the world. They are soul-less.

I get countless individuals clicking on my blog with search terms like the following: "How to write a letter to my estranged adult son" and "form letter to send to estranged child." They inevitably wind up on this post, in which I shared a form letter that I found in several places on the DailyStrength website. It was a near exact replica of the letter that NMIL had emailed to my husband. She didn't even bother to spell-check it when she was finished copying it. I think she got her hands on a copy of Joshua Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Adult Children Don't Get Along, in her endless effort to appear the doting mommy. As is probably the case with most of the parents looking for form letters to send to their estranged sons and daughters, NMIL is so busy trying to make it look like she's a good mother that she doesn't have time to figure out what the fuck it means to be a good mother. Or even a decent mother. Or even a mediocre mother. Or even a slightly less than mediocre but at least more than a soul-sucking mother. She's actually one of the worst mothers I've ever had the displeasure of bearing witness to - right on par with the ones that molest their own children, beat their own children, torture their own children.

If you take a look at the comments on that form letter post, you'll see that a few of them represent anonymous trolls, most of whom have spent little to no time elsewhere on my blog, who take the time to drop bombs full of nastiness, shaming, and blaming before running away and never coming back. I track my stats. Trust me, most of these folks really never come back. And their comments typically stink of malignant narcissism. They use all of the typical responses from narcissistic parents everywhere:  

Realize that your generation has been given life on a silver platter and it used to be a child had to earn his parents love and respect, now, because you children are so spoiled, we have to earn your respect. Well, most of you are immature and selfish and yes, narcisstic. You have no respect for your elders or have no appreciation for what it takes to give, give give to your child while all they do is take. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. Wait until you have children and they all leave begging and pleading for some love and attention. Because, if it's true that goes around, comes around, you will all be left by your children when you need them. This is a selfish, commpassionless, heartless generation and you are all prime examples of it!!!!!!!

What ever happened to giving someone the benefit of the doubt, "she did the best she could given her ability and the situation at the time". Wow. Her heart has been broken, she is at the end of the road...BTW, is this just your public rant? Trashing people you don't even know...Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings...That sounds like many of you... think on that.

I have a 30 year old son who seems to have cut me out of his life...Looking back I realize that I made a lot of mistakes but can't go back in time to correct them...I would like to know if you have any ideas on what I should do to help me reconnect with my son. I am in a lot of pain.

I stumbled upon this blog and I am shocked and disheartened by the negativity in it...But then again it seems you have a lot of time to waste just spewing so much venom and being so judgmental so I send you a blessing hoping that some day you will see the light.

This is the same song and dance from four different anonymous commentators. If I wasn't tracking my stats, I might think they were written by DH's parents, or the parents of any of the people I've become friends with since starting this blog. But they weren't. And they all taste of the same flavor. I've seen all of these tactics before: The blame placed on not just a single person, but an entire generation of people; the claim that we are selfish and spoiled; the accusation that it is us who are narcissistic and cruel; the endless "shoulds" which attempt to shame us into collusion; the desire that we suffer as they are suffering, with never an indication in sight that perhaps, we already are; the claim that we couldn't possibly know the people we have taken up issue with, with the subtle insinuation that we are incapable of making such assessments of the human condition for ourselves; the constant claims that they "just don't understand" what could possibly have gone wrong in their interpersonal relationships to have caused their loved ones to want to cut them off; the constant ploy of victimhood and occasional game of playing dumb; the pointing fingers that say we, the abused, are actually the bad ones; and finally, the holier-than-thou claim that they'll "pray for us" because there isn't possibly anything else they could do to change the outcome of the situation.

I've put together a more accurate version of a form letter - the one I think these people would be sending to their kids if they were more capable of telling the truth than they are - capable of telling the truth, yet still as unwilling to change as ever.

The Form Letter They'll Never Send, Even Though It's What They Actually Mean:

Dear Adult Child's Nickname [or whichever name makes that son or daughter feel as small, diminished, guilty, or otherwise insignificant as possible],

It has been one of my main goals in life to ensure that you did not get away. And yet here we are. You got away. Though I doubt your strength of will and believe that you are actually quite weak, I don't doubt that you'll try to stay as far away from me as possible. At least until some major life event happens to come up - either natural or engineered - which I will use to my advantage. I will pull on the guilt strings I have pulled all your life, in order to get you to come back. I will maintain a facade with family members and frenemies in order that they continue to believe the lies I have told them all these years - I get off on their stupidity. And I will send them after you. I will contact your exes and subtly manipulate them into contacting you, just on the possibility that it will fuck with your marriage. I will contact your [other parent] and play the guilt card so that [he/she] gets in touch with you to try and convince you how much you have hurt me. I will make sure that every mutual relationship we have ever shared is used against you.

Because I hate losing. I hate losing more than I love you. The truth is, I don't love you. And I never have. I don't want to. It takes too much work to love, to feel empathy, to imagine the level of pain I must have inflicted on so many lives and for so many years. Why should I do that? No one ever did it for me.

I could say that I've made terrible mistakes, but that would be a lie. Nearly everything I have ever done to you has been premeditated, and I've done it all with little to no guilt crossing my conscience. I have been so long without feeling guilt that I've forgotten what it feels like. I feel you owe me - you owe me the love and respect I never got from my own parents and I am choosing, as I have always done, to pass down the burden of that pain to you. I can't and will not acknowledge, ever, any pain I might have caused anyone, especially you. If I have done so in the past, I was lying. If I have ever muttered the words, "I'm sorry," you were right not to believe me. Because I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for anything. Except maybe for the fact that I've been treated like shit and someone should have to pay for that.

I understand perfectly why you've wanted to cut off contact with me - I simply ignore your reasons and choose, on a daily basis, not to think about it. I only think about you when I'm trying to devise a way to use your absence as a way to control someone else. I've spent your whole life attempting to manipulate you, but also cultivating myself replacements for the day you might decide to walk out on me. And now that you have, it's been easy to replace you. You have had no more value in my life than what you could provide for me, and now that you are refusing to provide what you had in the past, I no longer have a need for you.

I have never tried to make amends with you and I never will. I will never spend more than, perhaps, a few moments here and there (and that's being generous) thinking about my past actions towards you and my behaviors in general. In my opinion, you are not worth that kind of time. No one is. I'd really like to spout some cliches and bullshit about how I'd be willing to communicate with you openly, or that maybe someday we can sit down with a therapist and hash all this shit out. But don't kid yourself. If you ever see me in a therapist's office, the whole scenario will have been so carefully manipulated by me that you'll smell the phoniness from a mile away. The operation will stink of deceit. I only use therapists to keep up the appearance that I'm "working on myself" and "dealing with my dysfunctions."

If you ever send me a letter or an email telling me how you feel, I'll only pick through it for clues into your self-hood that will allow me to guilt or manipulate you further. And you can forget about any future relationship with your siblings or family members that you might have gotten along with - I'll compromise any relationships that I haven't already been manipulating from the get.

I don't want you to be happy. I only ever wanted you to maintain a smile at all times for me, so that I would seem a successful and perfect parent to all outsiders. Your happiness is a threat to me because it means you are no longer as controllable as you once were. Any discovery of self you make means that I have failed in my attempt to keep you in the box I've tried to keep you in all your life. Your poor self-esteem and fear of my wrath has been what has kept you under my thumb for so long. And by the way, I hate your spouse and when I'm not blaming you for walking out on me, I'll blame him/her. Because that's nice and easy and I can avoid all blame and negativity. I will never really accept that you don't want a relationship with me. It angers me that you don't feel responsible for my happiness anymore. And occasionally, when that rage surfaces and when I'm feeling particularly lonely and when I haven't had much attention lavished on me, I will contact you to see if I can trick you into coming back to me, even though you've specifically told me not to. And yes, I know precisely what "no contact" means. You are not a person unto yourself. You have no right to have abandoned me.

I want you to feel guilty. I hope you feel guilty until the day you die. I hope you suffer, every day. I hope you end up getting a divorce, and when you do, I hope you return to your real family as quickly as possible. And I hope you bring your children too. So I can manipulate them the way I have manipulated you. I feel giddy imagining the possibilities of what I could do to them if your obnoxious spouse wasn't around to get in my way. And someday, I think you will come back. Until then, I'll be busying myself stepping on innocents and sending out my flying monkeys and enlisting new minions and taking you out of my will. Your absence will not change me. I don't change for anyone. I like me, just the way I am.

The door will be open for you should you choose to come back. I'd say, "I'll be waiting." But I won't. Not really. I'll be too busy pretending to forget about you and forcing you from my thoughts  to wait for you to come back. I have plenty of other pawns to maneuver.

Fuck you very much,

Mom/Dad

Friday, August 2, 2013

Shitting Rainbows

I have an apology to make
I've not been kind for kindness' sake
to all the readers who've found their way
to my blog by mistake
they didn't mean to read a word
were, in fact, quite deterred
by the things I've had to say
real, imagined, or inferred
After stumbling upon my writing,
apostate, confused, and reciting
the mantras of their own dysfunctions
these folks found this place less than inviting
So I must offer my apologies
for hurting the apparently
dismissed, discarded, attention junkies
who just don't like my hyperbole
So many have come here
with intent to find answers
and instead have been bombarded by
various word-cancers
that eat at them from the inside out
OH! If only they hadn't looked about
they might not have seen the crap on this page
that I only wrote to incite their rage.

Perhaps I should add a disclaimer to this website that reads: Potential Readers Beware. If you are expecting that this blog should consist of discussions on unicorns and how to shit rainbows and other such delusional drivel, then this blog is not for you. Feel free to either begin or to continue leaving commentary consistent with your judgmental, critical, ignorant, and hypocritical views, but please do understand that there will be laughter. Much, much laughter at your expense. If you don't like to be laughed at, I suggest you move along quickly and with little fuss.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Someone Else To Take The Fall

I recently whipped out the letter NSIL wrote to DH in November of last year during her stint in a mental institution for attempted suicide - a letter which I thought perfectly represented exactly the kind of "support" GC seem to ask for from their siblings and which I'd now like to examine here in a more specific way than our response letters had shown. I tend to balk at the word "support" when I'm talking about that which NSIL has expected from my husband because to me, that's a word with a connotation far too positive to accurately describe either NSIL's own unhealthy requirements of a relationship with DH or her puppeteer's dark ulterior motives in the direction of her endless show. NSIL asked for more than simple support. She asked for DH's loyalty over his loyalty to his FOC. She asked that he abandon his own life and happiness in order to suit her needs. She demanded that he serve the same master she serves, all because she's too weak to escape on her own. To me, that reads as more than support. It reads as someone demanding payment for debts that DH no longer makes claims for. It reads as misery looking for company. I don't think NSIL wanted DH for an equal, a partner, or a "friend" as she claimed. I think she was looking for someone else to take the fall, the same person who had taken it all those years before.
So DH and I re-read NSIL's letter looking for clues. I asked him what he thought she had expected him to do; what precisely he thought she had imagined or hoped he'd do when he read her letter. Together, we broke her letter down as though it were encoded and examined each part:

[Derivative of DH's name; not what she typically called him in the past] What's in a name, right? I noticed the switch from her addressing DH by his childhood nickname to a slightly more "grown-up" version, though not his full first name. She had called him this name on occasion in the past - but she'd always used his childhood nickname when she wanted something from him. I hypothesize now that it was her way of acknowledging some great change in him - a change she could obviously see but has yet to appreciate - that almost came across to me as a mockery. DH's handle has always been a point of contention for me. It had taken me some time in the beginning of our relationship to understand why he had never made the change from his childhood nickname to the more grown-up version of his name and then finally to the true adult version of his name with his FOO. I felt that NSIL's use of this name was foreign, that it didn't seem to fit the person she wanted us to believe she was appealing to, and that it was manipulative - as though by deceitfully petitioning this person she'd never developed a relationship with, she might trick him into considering giving her the "support" she'd be asking for by the end of her letter. When she used the more grown-up version of his name, right off the bat she was attempting to manipulate him.

I am currently in a mental hospital for attempted suicide. I figure you think I overdosed on drugs. I purposely took over fifty pills, mixed with a lot of alcohol, and slit my wrist. If not for a friend randomly stopping by I would not have been found and would have died. When DH read this to me aloud for the first time back in November, I remember having been struck by a couple of things right off the bat: One being that her self-described "random" savior was likely not random at all and two being that I could already see who she had predetermined would be responsible for her staged attempted suicide: my husband, of course. Before I go any further, I feel the need to explain that I am not denying the fact that this girl is likely suffering from depression and that her struggles are very real. But as with any narcissist, I've always believed that what we see up top barely does much justice to all the schemes churning below the surface at any given moment and I think NSIL's lack of description tells us more about what she's covering up than what she's revealing. This is a girl who spews a lot of words but doesn't divulge much that's real. But still, aside from overhearing perhaps one phone conversation with NSIL (which I was mostly only privy to DH's side of) this letter was the closest to real that I have ever seen from NSIL. And what I think was "real" about it was her continued cover-up of details that might constitute any truth - who was the mysterious "friend" she wrote about and why did she think it so important to keep that person's identity secret? And why does she make a point to inform DH of how "random" that person's appearance at the time of her suicide attempt was? You know, I STILL have to prompt DH when he's telling a story or talking about some event that happened during the day because he'll tell me, "So, WE did this" or "THEY said that" and I'll ask, who? Who are you talking about? It happens less now because DH catches himself, realizing that his lack of descriptive detail is a leftover learned defense mechanism from dealing with his FOO - but it does still happen. And the reason why it's so damn significant to me is because these lack of details are not just merely some oversight - they can't be chalked up to forgetfulness or absentmindedness on the part of the story teller - the omission of these types of details is intentional and there is only one point: to evade responsibility. If you don't say with whom, then you can't get in trouble. If you don't specify who else was there, then there is no one else to ask.  Keeping the details vague allows you to evade responsibility. And that's where all of this always leads - the kind of "support" NSIL was looking for was the kind that would allow her to continue ignoring the fact that she is responsible for her own unhappiness, poor health, and attempt at suicide. Furthermore, I thought that the kind of information NSIL was presenting read as an accusation: that it should not have been a "random friend" stopping by who saved her, it should have been DH. That's looking for a whole hell of a lot more than support, in my opinion. The opening lines of her letter present just enough information to make her intended audience think she's taking responsibility for something, when in fact she's not.

I wanted to die, I really did. Wrote a letter and everything. It's clear to me that DH was not the only person she wanted to convince of the sincerity of her desire to die. And the fact that she herself is not convinced is enough for me to seal the deal on my theory that her attempted suicide was nothing more than a ploy. Anybody who truly believes in what they are doing, simply does not talk that way. Her juvenile presentation of the fact that she wrote a suicide note as evidence that she "really wanted to die" did nothing to answer the biggest question of all: why? If her suicide attempt was, in fact, legitimate, then why did she want to die? And if it was not, why did she want to make it look like she wanted to die? In that whole letter to my husband, I never found an answer from her, even in her talk of depression and eating disorders and anxiety - not even in her admittance of not being understood. All of those things have deeper sources, but nowhere in her letter does she examine them. One of the factors of this letter that has to be considered is that it was very likely a requirement forced on her by whatever doctors were working with her in therapy. So not only do I think it represented the most depth she was capable of at the time she wrote it, but I also think whatever information she presented therein was the bare minimum requirement for her to leave the mental hospital. Her decision not to answer "why" in this letter to my husband is a juxtaposition to her apparent desire for people to understand the answers to that exact question: Shortly after her return to the world from her stay at the hospital, NSIL tweeted: "Everyone seems to think they know everything yet no one has actually asked me" and "Because of a bad trip? Because of a boy? You people are ridiculous and have no clue." It all makes me think she knows EXACTLY why she has done the things she has done, but it scares her too much to be honest about it. In short (I know, too late) she refuses to take responsibility.

I know part of you cares. This is an insult and an accusation. I see the implication that not only should part of DH care about her plight, but that ALL of him should care about her plight. This is one of the more blatant and clear expressions of her expectations of my husband's support. By implying that he doesn't care or that he doesn't care enough, she's revealing how much she wants from him - and it's a lot.

Perhaps you noticed when we were younger that I had been struggling, mentally. I dealt with the [sic] bulimia until last year when I began throwing up blood regularly. For years I have dealt with depression. It increased greatly when you left. You left me alone.  This is loaded. Absolutely loaded. Again, it might appear as though she's on the verge of accepting responsibility for something (or at the very least, that she's willing to put the responsibility of her childhood depression in her parents' hands, where it clearly belongs) but that much needed admission gets quickly thrown out on it's ass when she hands all of the responsibility, every last drop of it, to DH. The accusations she makes here would be shocking if I didn't know this girl or the dynamics of her fucked up family. And again, her non-specific allegations have always left me with a lot of questions. What, specifically, is she referring to when she says that DH "left" or that he "left her alone?" This is a girl who out the one side of her mouth (as evidenced in this letter) says she's alone, but everywhere else in her life claims to be "surrounded by friends" and "so so lucky" to have the mom and friends that she has. What does it say about the people she chooses to surround herself with, if she single-handedly disputes their importance in her life by saying that DH was the ONLY person responsible for making her feel that she was not alone? And isn't it obvious how she exposes her own lies about the friendships she maintains? At which point does she feel he left her: When he went away to college? When he moved in to the apartment he rented from Naunt? When he met me? When he married me? When he cut off contact with their mother? She doesn't answer these questions but I have raised them. And all of my theories lead me to the same place, every time. When examining what NSIL's version of "support" would look like, I always come up with this sort of silly idea that she wanted DH to move back in with her at her mother's house to reside across the hall from her once more, free from any outside obligations including the love of his life and his children. And the more I think on it, the more I think it may not be that far fetched a theory. I don't know what NSIL expected. But I know that whatever picture she had in her mind, it never included me or DH's children. I also feel the need to point out at this juncture that in the phrase, "You left me alone" there is the seemingly unacknowledged point that if DH's absence from her life means she is alone, then the mother NSIL claims loves her so very much, at the very least, has done nothing to help her quelch that feeling of desolate loneliness, and at the very worst, is in fact the ultimate source of it. In other words, to say that she is alone (with or without the presence of DH in her life) is an admission that her mother is hurting her. But as always, she neither takes responsibility for herself nor hands her mother the responsibility expected from such an admission.

...My depression and anxiety overwhelmed me and I had to drop out [of college]. Mom and J were upset but supportive. Since that [sic] I've been in a downward spiral. No one understood me and no one that [sic] I thought I could talk to. So I wanted to die. I was pretty close too. We have ourselves an unreliable narrator - one who calls her parents "supportive" in one sentence, but in the very next negates the claim by saying that she had "no one" to talk to and "no one" who understood her. It seems clear to me that, whatever her notion of "support" entails, it sure as hell isn't healthy or very well developed. She presents the idea that her parent's "support" of her was sufficient, but then immediately contradicts it. What it tells me is that she has allegiance to her parents because she hides them behind a false label. It also piggy backs on the idea that DH is responsible - that he should have been the one around to "understand her" and "talk to her" and without him, she wanted to die. But as with much of what NSIL has ever said, I call bullshit. Because even when DH was "around," she did not reach out to him. Even before DH's estrangement from NMIL in early 2011, she did not seek him out for help or support or understanding. In part, it might have felt odd for her to do that on account of their nine year age difference (think about it - how much "support" can a healthy nine year old give to his infant sister; a fifteen year old give to his six year old sister; a twenty year old give to his eleven year old sister; a twenty five year old give to his sixteen year old sister); but mostly, the unhealthy dynamics of her FOO would never have allowed for any sort of true supportive system to take root between them. If anything, I think this girl has some understanding that "support" isn't whatever show she got from her parents. I think she knows that real support means having someone who understands you, or who at least wants to understand you, and who will talk with you about what is real. She's so close. So close to some understanding about what is real and crucial and true. And yet, she can't grasp it. Or won't grasp it. Her long silence now these past few months are evidence that, though she desires the kind of support she herself outlined, she remains unwilling to shake herself free from the very people who should be her biggest supporters, yet who have done nothing but ensure her slow, agonizing death. Yes, I think she knows what "support" really looks like. But I think what she wants more is the easy way out: the kind of support that her mommie says she needs, but which isn't really support at all. She did, after all, reject both DH and my offers to help her, which is ironic given that we were offering her precisely what she had asked for: people who would understand and who would talk to her about what was real.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, depression, and anxiety. Can I just say, I fucking called this? I included this line here for no other reason than to point out that all my past research had pointed to NSIL having BPD and that I told DH years ago that it wouldn't surprise me if we ever learned that she was. Oh, I guess I included it for another reason and that's because I think the addition of this kind of information mostly just reads as a call for a pity-party. Again, it looks like a mere inclusion of facts but I'm betting NSIL included this information so that she could stroke the story that she's "crazy" (which serves the purpose of negating her responsibility, once again, by claiming her mental facilities are not completely in order) while also attempting to illicit sympathy from DH.

Everyone's brothers and sisters come to visit them here and it upsets me. This reads like her mother's presentation of what a "truly supportive" sibling would be doing - a presentation that would suit NMIL's needs far more than it would have suited NSIL's. DH's physical presence at a hospital where NMIL was staying nearby would have likely been a dream come true to NMIL and though it would have fulfilled NSIL's superficial requirements for "support," it would have done little to solve her deeper woes. And instead of just coming out and asking in a direct way (Please, will you come visit me?) this statement attempts to illicit guilt. Also, can I just say that it's more than a little inconvenient and fucking selfish for her to ever expect DH to abandon his entire life just to come for a little visit and hold her hand or whatever.

Mom is constantly sad because you are gone and I am a disappointment and crazy. She cries all the time about you. I haven't, not once. This statement probably raises more questions for me than it answers, as does much of the letter. Is NMIL so inappropriate and selfish that she's using NSIL's stay in a mental hospital to play on the notion of the "long lost son?" Does NSIL not realize that her mother labeled her a "disappointment" and "crazy" long before she thought to call herself those names, not because they were necessarily true but because they served her mother's sick purposes? Has it never crossed her mind that her mother's "sadness" is an act? Does she not see that while her NM is calling her crazy, she's also calling DH the same and can she truly not understand how toxic that is? And when she turns around and says this: "It is so strange to me that my brother is a different person completely...and evil and insane and [I will] never talk to him again?" can she not see that she's no better than her narcissistic mother? NSIL's rejection of her own emotions and obvious constant need to buttress her NM's, regardless of their sincerity, is very apparent here.

I pretended you were dead. I tell people I am an only child. I terribly miss and need my big brother. Would you even attend my funeral if I died? These are questions I ask. I see only one question, though she alludes to having asked more than one, and as always, it's a loaded question. I can answer it for her, as DH and I had discussed the possibility of NSIL dying many months before her attempted suicide occurred and the answer has not changed since that time: DH would not attend a funeral for NSIL. I doubt she would ever acknowledge any understanding of such a decision, even if that understanding existed. Because to acknowledge that she could understand why it would be better for DH not to show up to her funeral, she would have to also acknowledge that she knows how toxic and unhealthy her FOO is, and that DH has been treated very poorly by them. At this point, with this girl, I don't think that's ever going to happen. Furthermore, we can add "showing up to her funeral" to NSIL's list of "NMIL-Accepted-Support-Tactics" because while DH's presence at NSIL's figurative funeral would do wonders for NMIL's "show," it wouldn't achieve a whole hell of a lot for NSIL's benefit. And as for "needing" her big brother? Again I ask, how? What the hell did she expect him to do, specifically? Because it sure seemed to me, at one point in that letter, that she knew what support was (understanding, real talk) but as I've pointed out, when it was offered, she immediately and coldly rejected it, turning instead, right back to the same kind of "support" she came from which drove her to make an attempt on her own life in the first place.

You were my best friend...I even wrote in my suicide note that maybe my death would bring you back. I just have to take a moment to ask, how the hell can people not see how fucked up this claim is? I swear to god, the age difference alone forces any truth out of this statement. I want to know, at what point is NSIL claiming that DH was her best friend? When he was nineteen and she was ten? When he was twenty four and she was fifteen? Folks, it's not fucking possible. They were NEVER best friends. They were nothing more than two spirits locked together in a shitty situation. The only bond they had, after their mother started fucking with their relationship from the time NSIL was born, was one born of some superficial and underdeveloped understanding that their own mother was killing them. If NSIL was capable and willing to tell the truth, I would ask her to qualify this statement. I would ask her for specifics. I would ask her to detail how, exactly, she was expecting him to be her "best friend" again and what she wanted from him. Because if she showed proof that I was wrong, I would be willing to reject my notion that her fantasy of "best friend DH" would have both her and her brother sacrificing their own lives for their mother's. Unfortunately, that is precisely what I think: that NSIL and [DH's childhood nickname] - the boy she's REALLY appealing to, unlike what she would have had us believe at the beginning of her letter - "befriending" each other once again, would translate to nothing more than the ending of their lives so that their mother can continue to live her lies. Whether metaphorical or literal, I believe NSIL's definition of support calls for that outcome.

Think about our childhood. When I was born, you wouldn't let anyone hold me. I need you to be there again. Not even mommie could hold you, eh, NSIL? Maybe all we need to ask is this: why would DH need to protect you from your own mother? And why the fuck can't you see that this need for protection from mommy-dearest is what ALL of your dysfunction is about; and ultimately the reason why you have no relationship with your own brother?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Beach

DH and I have been spending a lot of our time at our local beaches. We live in a seaside town with lots of beach access and our beaches really are lovely.

This week is DH's vacation and we've decided to spend most of it at the beach - it's free, cool, and nearby - and nothing beats that, in my opinion. Plus, at the end of the day, the kiddles are pooped from swimming and being in the sun for just a few hours which gives us a nice rest at the end of the day. Tomorrow, we've invited my parents to come along and we're going to have a picnic lunch.

Anyway, my reason for talking about this isn't just to showcase our beautiful beaches (though I am quite proud of them) or to elaborate on the fun of each found seashell (though I assure you, I never get tired of the kids' excitement over their beach finds - I can ooh and ahh over wet, gray pebbles clenched in chubby fists all day long). Today, I was thinking back to a time in 2009 when NMIL made us a no-doubt strings-attached offer for a "little" vacation, so that "baby could see the beach" and so she'd have an opportunity to get her idea of family [read: anyone who would have brought drama to the trip] together. First of all, I hate that it's so hard to explain why a "simple" offer for a "nice family vacation" was such a heinous and disingenuous act, given how nothing in a narc's playbook is ever straight-forward. But secondly, I have such a feeling of pure joy that we don't have to deal with that shit anymore: that we don't have to worry about even considering whether or not we'll take up an offer for some shitty little vacation or day trip; that we don't have to exert any energy protecting our emotional well-being for the sake of preserving NMIL's constant lies. We will never again have to deliberate over whether or not to support her performance.

Every year, at beach time, I get this little stab of - I'm not even sure what to call it - satisfaction, triumph, justice, vindication - because we have our own beaches, we have our own vacations, and we're perfectly happy without NMIL's offers where the fine-print is in a language we don't understand. NMIL has money, and I've always thought that she figured waving it around in front of us (more specifically, waving it around in front of DH, who was trained to respond to that sort of thing) would be her winning hand. Really, that's all she ever had to offer: extravagant gifts that always came with a price I was never willing to accept.

That trip (which would have taken place in 2010) never happened, mostly because I was able to convince DH that the price we would have had to pay, on a "vacation" that was subtly offered to us as being "completely free" was (ironically enough) not worth it; but I have to say, it worked in our favor that NMIL's plan was so poorly conceived, it would have been nearly impossible for us to go with her anyway, even just logistically speaking. Bitch really shot herself in the foot. I've always guessed that NMIL knew right away that we weren't going to take her up on her offer, and I have to imagine that burned up her little control-loving biscuits. At any rate, it's almost like my enjoyment of the beach is now even more so, because I get that little tickle of glee in my gut at the simple thought that it's ours - that WE are our own and we don't have to share ourselves or stretch ourselves for anyone, let alone NMIL. I can enjoy the beach that much more, knowing that we are free.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Gradually and Continually

I don't want to get too comfortable (and I may end up eating my words) but I feel as though DH and I may be reaching and "end" of sorts with his FOO. I don't honestly know whether NMIL has exhausted all of her manipulation tactics and I can't say with any real certainty that I believe she's completely redirected her eyes on a different target, but I have nevertheless been feeling that her steel-hard resolve to remain blind to the truth is precisely what will force her to stay away from us permanently. It has always been her choice to maintain distance from us out of her unswaying resolution to offer us bullshit instead of truth, and to offer the rest of the world nothing but an absolutely ridiculous mask. She lives in a world where she can liken herself to some of the greatest philosophers and humanitarians of our age - and the people she has surrounded herself with choose to buy it.

And that's fine, really it is. She can feign sainthood as often and to whatever lengths she likes, as long as she stays in her corner and out of ours. I'm not so naive as to think she'll ever really go away completely, but I often think to myself, what more can come than what they have already sent? What more damage can they inflict? What supplies are left in that arsenal? And try as I might, I don't see where they have any power left. They've spent it all on nastiness and spite and hatred and, as with any war campaign, they will eventually run out of time and money and energy to keep this shit going. Births and deaths and marriages on both sides, and even attention-grabbing-suicide-attempts have not gained DH's FOO any forward momentum in their efforts to dissolve our marriage or get DH to collude with their desire for power and control again. Nothing, save for perhaps the literal death and re-birth of a brand-spanking-new NMIL, would break our resolve to keep them out of our lives. 

I see DH's entire FOO and vast network of past relationships as a dark, ominous cloud in the distance that gradually yet continually gets blown further and further away from us. I see NMIL and EFIL & L and NSIL and J and Exhibit A and the whole cast of crazy characters as one black puff of smoke that can be diffused with just a little bit of effort on our parts. They know next to nothing about what is going on in our lives and we are happy knowing next to nothing about theirs. And I am starting to find that my desire to know what's coming next is leaving me. Perhaps it's a letting go of sorts. Perhaps I simply don't care anymore. But whatever the reason, I have this inherent sense of calm and confidence that the worst is over and that DH and I and our children are finally entering a space of real peace.

Last Christmas, after EFIL and L sent us messages which showed that their desire for power and control was still very much alive by means of holiday greeting cards to our children, my mother said, "Jonsi, what does it matter if all they do is send a card for Christmas? Who cares? If that's all they do, then you can toss the card aside and move on." It seems, though I know appearances are deceiving with these people, that that may be all they have left now. Just as sure as I feel that NMIL is mostly done with her attempts to win over DH with her direct bullshit and that even the indirect bullshit will be coming at us less and less, I am sure that EFIL and L will still play their assigned role to the bitter end - and I know that has to do with whatever they've got planned for our children. I see the use of attempted manipulation through financial means in the distant future and I see it aimed, in whatever weak way they've planned, at our kids. I think they are biding their time because they know that DH and I are the gatekeepers to our children, but that someday our children will be adults with their own desires and hopes and dreams and I think they have plans to attempt to use those as a means to gain power over them.

I have a lot of faith in my FOC - in our ability to stick together through the storms, in our desire to raise strong and healthy children, and in our strength of will and personal character. I have a very loving and supportive FOO who are always around to give us advice and aid when we are in need. And our children are truly amazing beings - I have faith in them and who they are and who they will be. I don't believe that I am raising children who will go out into the world to be easily manipulated. I think I am raising bright, kind, compassionate, honest children. I think they are inherently kind and sensitive and good and I am working hard with DH to parent them in such a way that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. I know that, if DH's FOO is still in the game for power and control, they will test the strength of these bonds my husband and I have with our children, and yet I still have faith that we will prevail - five, ten, or fifty years from now.

I'm already thinking that when the next round of greeting cards show up, DH and I will probably finally be able to throw them aside, unopened. Because we already know what they will say - there will be nothing new to read, no great understanding on their parts. Even in their silence now, their resolution to keep their eyes shut tightly in the face of truth is apparent. And so when those cards arrive, and if another person shows up at our door, or when we receive notification that DH has been "cut from the wills," it will be much easier to toss it aside. Because it doesn't matter. They don't matter. And they have even less power than ever before as more time passes.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Ladybug Rings

Just wanted to take a minute to show off my new wedding and engagement ring, which one of my oldest and dearest friends, Sara Pancoast (established 7th grade, 1998) designed and fabricated after I discovered that I had developed an allergy to my original rings. (New rings pictured below, which can also be found on Sara's website, under the "Personal Work" section of her portfolio, by the name of "ladybug rings")


I wanted to show them off, both for the sake of making a shameless plug for Sara (who is and has always been very talented and artistic - we still have records of our seventh and eighth grade notes, from which I can attest that even Sara's stick figures far surpassed mine in both design and execution) but also because these rings are such an obvious symbol of mine and DH's love for each other. I also think it important to note here that DH was not hurt or offended when I told him, much as I loved the design of my original rings, I considered them to be too "bulky" and was happy with having the opportunity to have them redesigned. The reason why this is such a big deal is because I think it's a mark of strength that DH wasn't hurt by my opinions of the rings he had picked out for me, that he didn't take it as a personal slight. We've come a long way in that regard.

And as for my shameless plug: Sara is a wonderfully talented artist and a very dear friend of mine, so I see no problem in directing anyone interested to her for any jewelry needs. Her work on these rings included the dis-assembly of my original rings, as well as the complete redesign and fabrication of the new ones. Her knowledge about metals and stonework is extensive.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Never Back Down

"Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl."

-Benjamin Jowet

Sunday, June 30, 2013

#sheisliterallydying

Ladies and gentleman, she's BAAAAAAAACK, with all the usual narcissistic and vapid drivel we could ever hope to see spewing forth from anyonething. As always, read as much as you can possibly stand. I won't blame you if you can only read a few, or if you have absolutely zero interest in reading at all. This is strictly copied for analytical purposes. If you want insight into the beast of self-hatred and shallowness, it's here in abundance:

January 1, 2013
I just got the creepiest fucking voicemail ever.......

January 3, 2013
I want a hot fudge sundae..

January 6, 2013
Did I just legit rupture my eardrums.....?!

January 6, 2013
LOVE that y'all talk behind my back...

January X, 2013
it's my birthday this fridayyy!!!

January 8, 2013
Still have a stomachache.. Good thing my ultrasound is tomorrow.

January 8, 2013
We can't all be princesses, someone has to clap when I go by.

January 9, 2013
Well that's annoying..

January 9, 2013
I'm on to you, crazy.....

January 9, 2013
Hoping to hear from the doctor today..

January 10, 2013
Well, nothing abnormal in the ultrasound. Now what?

January X, 2013
My tummy shouldn't hurt on my birthday!!!

January 12, 2013
Do I really have a sore throat right now...?

January 12, 2013
Doing my hair takes FOREVER... #firstworldproblems

January 12, 2013
Worst headache ever.....

January 13, 2013
New bsuit top! #summer #bathingsuit #bikini #leopard #longhair #girl #selfie

January 14, 2013
Going through all my clothes... This should take all day.

January 14, 2013
I wish people would just text me backkkk goshhhhhh

January 14, 2013
I'm being annoying tonight. #sorrynotsorry

January 14, 2013
This is what I do when I don't want to pack; take pictures of myself. #selfie #youresovain #girl #monogram

January 14, 2013
I win

January 14, 2013
I miss @[NSIL]

January 15, 2013
Worst stomachache everrrr

January 15, 2013
I think I'm gonna get a massage today... Pulled a muscle in my back

January 16, 2013
Okay the doctors really need to figure out what's wrong with me... #sosick #canteat  #imissrealfood

January 16, 2013
When you are warm-hearted, there is no room for anger, jealousy or insecurity.

January 16, 2013
This heartburn is getting real old...

January 17, 2013
I need new jeans. All the ones I have are too big... #woohoo

January 18, 2013
Love & hate going through old pictures.. Makes me miss people who aren't in my life anymore..

January 18, 2013
Seriously in so much pain

January 18, 2013
Hopefully the dr will find out what's wrong soon so I can stop dying.

January 18, 2013
So glad you made a huge effort to see me for my birthday.

January 19, 2013
Love when you text someone & it says they read it but they don't respond. #cool #thanks #jerk

January 19, 2013
I just got so damn tired.....

January 21, 2013
So done, I can't even.

January 21, 2013
I apologize if none of you hear from me this week. I'm quite busy moving my entire life.

January 22, 2013
i am now paranoid that i have a stalker and i'll be murdered. #sweet

January 22, 2013
this whole correcting someone's grammar over the internet is getting old. like, we get it.

January 22, 2013
sweeeeeeeet i got a job.

January 23, 2013
my mama didn't raise a victim.

January 23, 2013
i want to do anther wedding photo shoot. is that crazy? #prob #sorrynotsorry

January 23, 2013
Wow, my stomach hurts so bad... #whyamisurprised

January 24, 2013
tabs on my laptop open: facebook, pinterest, polyvore, tumblr & twitter. i'm an addict. #cantstopwontstop

January 24, 2013
Apparently all my neighbors thought I was pregnant.

January 25, 2013
I'm so not dealing with drama tonight... #nothappening

January 26, 2013
omg so annoying

January 27, 2013
Omg, psycho..

January 27, 2013
I have this weird feeling I can't get rid of...

January 27, 2013
ouch my tummy

January 28, 2013
Girl next to me at the bank is taking a selfie. lol really?

January 29, 2013
psycho.

January 30, 2013
My cranium hurts..

January 31, 2013
So sick omg

January 31, 2013
cable just went out & i'm dying on the couch...

January 31, 2013
I swear to God, if I have the flu.....

January 31, 2013
currently dying right now. #saveme

January 31, 2013
my throat is so swollen

January 31, 2013
at least it's not the flu...

January 31, 2013
Someone make me some soup please..

January 31, 2013
Wait, someone go get me JK's...

January 31, 2013
I want a cheeseburger, quesadilla, hotdog, chocolate cake from red lobster & spaghetti with meatballs. #bears #starving

January 31, 2013
I want some food but I am too lazy to get up and get some.

January 31, 2013
And teriyaki boneless wings. #omg #please

January 31, 2013
Men need to accept that women get PMS-y & deal with it. #bitchtweet

January 31, 2013
frustrated & confused

January 31, 2013
I don't even know what to think anymore.. I need to get away.

February 1, 2013
If you think I have a shopping addiction, you're probably right.

February 1, 2013
can i seriously stop getting sick? i'd really appreciate it...

February 1, 2013
just got poked on facebook by an old fling. awkward?

February 3, 2013
why are you always in my dreams

February 3, 2013
he's not the only one who has a secret to hide..

February 4, 2013
this cough is going to make me toss my cookies. #helpme

February 4, 2013
MY LUNGS ARE SO ITCHY

February 5, 2013
This is the absolute worst sinus headache I've ever had, Lord help me.

February 5, 2013
i believe in kindness. i believe in second chances. i believe in a smile & a warm hug when things are getting hard.

February 5, 2013
cool. one of the units in my complex caught on fire because of their furnis. ours isn't being checked until thursday. hope we don't burn.

February 5, 2013
cannot wait til my dr appt tomorrow. #sickofbeingsick

February 5, 2013
my heart is beating out of my chest right now, WTF....

February 5, 2013
i am going to go CRAZY if this cough doesn't get any better! i can't even breathe!

February 5, 2013
my dirty little secret

February 6, 2013
i can't even sleep because this cough is SO bad

February 6, 2013
someone save me

February 6, 2013
Ouch my everything

February 6, 2013
What up from the doctors office. I'm constantly here. Starting the year off RIGHT. #sick #selfie #eyes…

February 6, 2013
I miss not coughing.

February 8, 2013
i just got the perfect idea for revealing the gender of the baby when i'm pregnant. hahaha this is what i do when i stay up late.

February 8, 2013
lol i just pinned a bunch of baby things on pinterest.

February 8, 2013
i cannot wait to have a baby girl!!!!

February 8, 2013
guysssss i have an exciting announcement! (no, i'm not pregnant)

February 8, 2013
i'm gonna lose it.

February 8, 2013
i tweet too much

February 8, 2013
I don't really trust anyone anymore.

February 9, 2013
i wonder..

February 9, 2013
done.

February 9, 2013
Had a dream that I had a baby. It was so realistic... Weird.

February 9, 2013
They company that's supposed to be plowing out road/driveway did a SHIT-TASTIC job. So glad we're paying you... #asscocks

February 10, 2013
My back hurts so bad....

February 10, 2013
I'm gonna need a massage today..

February 10, 2013
I really need to go tanning..

February 11, 2013
should prob stop taking that medicine with codeine at night...

February 11, 2013
You are SUCH a JACKASS.

February 11, 2013
I just don't even get it.

February 11, 2013
Just remembered my dream.. Why are you still in them? Please go away.

February 11, 2013
i don't even know

February 11, 2013
you're pretty, but i still hate you.

February 11, 2013
why do i get creepy friend requests from men on facebook and we have NO friends in common. how do you find me?! #goaway

February 11, 2013
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

February 11, 2013
i hope you're happy

February 12, 2013
my back hurts so bad

February 12, 2013
My stomach hurts so bad

February 12, 2013
I got bigger things to worry about

February 12, 2013
So glad I have such loving friends and family

February 13, 2013
i cannot get sick AGAIN.

February 13, 2013
you're nothing but a peasant.

February 13, 2013
it's sad, really.

February 13, 2013
worst headache.

February 13, 2013
Goodbye

March 1, 2013
I really don't need the attitude.

March 5, 2013
Awesome news to come!!

March 5, 2013
Very excited.

March 7, 2013
really...?

March 7, 2013
So not fair..

March 7, 2013
So it's international women's day according to google.. That means I can be a spoiled brat today, right? #Kidding

March 10, 2013
Feels like I've been hit by a truck... #ouch

March 10, 2013
Some lady just thought I was Ashley's mother... #areyoujoking

March 11, 2013
do you ever see a person you used to be friends with and you’re like “glad i got the fuck outta that one”

March 11, 2013
The selfishness of others never fails to amaze me.

March 12, 2013
It legit feels like I have a cracked bone in my foot... #wtf #ouch

March 14, 2013
YOU ARE SUCH A HYPOCRITE.

March 15, 2013
My bones are grinding...... #fuckingouch

March 15, 2013
So fucking done.

March 17, 2013
psycho.

March 17, 2013
FUCKING BULLSHITTTTTT

March 17, 2013
Fuckin over it..

March 18, 2013
I'm not going out of my way for anyone anymore.

March 18, 2013
Court...

March 19, 2013
Finally getting the X-ray....

March 19, 2013
Oops. Broken foot.

March 19, 2013
11 days later I find out it's broken. Oops!

March 20, 2013
I think the world would be a nicer place if we stopped pretending to know everything about everyone.

March 21, 2013
Also, I need to go back to the doctor. I'm gonna need that shot... :( #ouchie

March 23, 2013
Someone bring me a venti iced white chocolate mocha with soy milk please.

March 23, 2013
Fuck this and fuck youuuu!

March 24, 2013
[Pet] fell through the stairs this morning.. She's doing alright but keep her in your prayers please!!

March 24, 2013
I really don't appreciate the bitchiness.. #unnecessary

March 25, 2013
I'm about to fucking lose it.......

March 27, 2013
I am dealing with some psychos here...

March 27, 2013
Seeing my daddy tonight. Life is too short to not be with the people you love.

March 27, 2013
Anyone want to lend me $7000? I'll be your best frienddddd!!

March 28, 2013
Love my momma. #mommy #bestfriend

March 29, 2013
Just made my Alex & Ani wish list. Emailed it to my husband & mother. HA.

March 30, 2013
Car selfie. #selfie #spring #sunglasses #longhair #vw #jetta #necklace

March 30, 2013
Wow I almost just got hit by a drunk driver.. #fuckingmoron

April 1, 2013
Dealing with too many psychos. #psychoparade

April 2, 2013
I'm stronger than you think.

April 2, 2013
Lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

April 2, 2013
Of course I can't sleep.. All I'm thinking about is that I'm going to get bad results tomorrow.

April 3, 2013
Not feeling so great...

April 4, 2013
"Will you help me eat my lunch?" - my boss. She thinks I don't eat so she makes me lunch. #lol #salad…

April 4, 2013
Sooo you text me, I text back, and no answer? #cool

April 4, 2013
Someone please bring me crab cakes..

April 5, 2013
Shit, I'm tired... I really hope I hear back from my doctor tomorrow...

April 5, 2013
Sometimes you can't get revenge and keep a clean slate.. So

April 6, 2013
It's funny that my mom is texting me while she's out at a bar and I'm in my pajamas in bed.

April 6, 2013
Wait this headache is so bad.

April 7, 2013
My allergies are awfulllll

April 7, 2013
I really should go to the eye doctor...

April 7, 2013
Oh I don't believe in getting even, but giving what you deserve.

April 7, 2013
Rest in peace, Lilly Pulitzer Rousseau.

April 7, 2013
I'm still damn tired even after my 2 hour nap.

April 7, 2013
Wait my insides hurt.

April 9, 2013
I'm so impatient. I hate waiting.

April 10, 2013
Yeahh, I don't really like you.

April 10, 2013
Realllly tempted to go on a rant right now, but I guess I'll play nice -- People are such idiots, that about sums it up.

April 11, 2013
We got two famous-ish neighbors at work.. Weird.

April 11, 2013
Oh gossip [smiley face]

April 12, 2013
I'm. Gonna. Lose it.

April 12, 2013
Ugh no one cares that you're a vegan! Stop making it the topic of conversation. #BORING #SHUTUP

April 13, 2013
Ouch my tummy

April 14, 2013
Stressed doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now...

April 14, 2013
Someone better bring me either a @Starbucks or @Robeks today...

April 15, 2013
I am so damn tired... What the fuck.

April 15, 2013
I swear to God if I get one more bloody nose.... I'm gonna lose it.

April 16, 2013
Gettin' reallllll annoyed...

April 18, 2013
The lady in front of me at Starbucks is super weird and super rude...

April 18, 2013
You're a fake as fuck

April 18, 2013
Totally posting some olddddd #TBTs today.. I'm talkin like, 7-8 years.. Haha #imold

April 18, 2013
Blood sugar is super low... #notgood

April 18, 2013
Wait I look skinny.. #work #ootd #selfie #floral #dress #bow #skinny? #longhair #spring

April 19, 2013
So. Fucking. Done. Goodbye.

April 20, 2013
What the fuckkkkk is your problem

April 20, 2013
Fucking kill me...

April 20, 2013
RT: I hate confrontation

April 20, 2013
I guess water is thicker than blood.

April 21, 2013
Looked up houses in Greenville, SC that we could afford.. It's breaking my heart... :( #wannabethere

April 22, 2013
ugh stfu.

April 25, 2013
Movin on up.

April 25, 2013
My friend Leah is in People's Magazine because she's Jessica Simpson's assistant!

April 25, 2013
Making some changes in my life..

April 25, 2013
Sick of planning parties that no one shows up to. #nomore

April 25, 2013
I love ordering things online. I hate waiting for them to arrive.

April 27, 2013
I would punch you, but my manicure costs more than your outfit, so it would be a waste. #princessprobz

April 28, 2013
My kidneys hurt......

May 1, 2013
HAHA EFF YOU MIRROR. I WIN.

May 1, 2013
Raiding my boss' fridge >>>>>>>>>>

May 2, 2013
Some guy just tried to pick me up in Home Depot. Nice try.

May 2, 2013
Love when asshole drivers yell out their window that my road is closed. I fucking know, I live here! #jackass

May 3, 2013
Super jealous of my boss. She's going to Nantucket for the weekend for her birthday.

May 3, 2013
Omg. My tooth hurts so effing bad....

May 3, 2013
When people don't answer their phone.... #PetPeeves

May 6, 2013
I will always be a princess

May 6, 2013
Love seeing my old asshole bosses!

May 7, 2013
Super annoyed...

May 7, 2013
What in the world have I eaten in the past couple of days that makes my stomach feel like I have a rock the size of Texas in my stomach?!

May 7, 2013
I wish people could just tell the fucking truth..... #GROWAPAIR

May 8, 2013
Why are my days constantly so busy? I need resting time.

May 8, 2013
I'm gonna effin lose it...

May 8, 2013
I swear to God if my mailman delivers my packages to the wrong address again, he won't have a job.

May 9, 2013
Someone want to go to South Carolina with me June 20-25? :)

May 9, 2013
My name at work according to Eric is Kim Junior....

May 9, 2013
My heart literally just stopped...

May 9, 2013
WOW. PSYCHOPATH!

May 9, 2013
And here we go again.

May 11, 2013
Feel like crapppp...

May 11, 2013
So fucking fed up with this shit.

May 11, 2013
Dying from pain..

May 11, 2013
All I want to do is lay in bed on Pinterest & I can't even do that... #firstworldproblems

May 11, 2013
My momma is the best one out there.

May 12, 2013
Happy Mother's Day to the most b e a uuuutiful mom ever!

May 12, 2013
Omg I was living across from an actual psychopath...omg I can't even.. Bitch was in a cult or some shit!...cops came.

May 12, 2013
I feel like I'm gonna vomit... #sosick

May 13, 2013
AMEN: Some people are so thirsty for the drama.

May 13, 2013
Keep calm and treat people well.

May 14, 2013
I hate my phone more than anything in this world.

May 14, 2013
Prince Harry is in Greenwich!!!

May 14, 2013
This strapping Prince Charming is in Greenwich, the town next to mine!

May 15, 2013
I have a lot of hate & anger built up inside...

May 16, 2013
Getting real sick and tired of this shit.

May 17, 2013
Tired. Sore. Itchy. #complaining #sorryimnotsorry

May 17, 2013
It's like you're begging me to slap the shit out of you today. #princessprobz

May 17, 2013
The Lord is testing me.

May 18, 2013
You're so annoying.

May 18, 2013
Alright. Time for some venting... Why the fuuuuuck are you being a bitch when all I want to do is help? I'm not the one being ridiculous, you are...Like, I get it. You're having a rough time. That's why I'm asking if you're alright. That doesn't mean "hey let's be an asshole"...I'm just so sick of some people being shitty to me for no damn reason. Maybe I'll just stop helping people. Then I won't get shit on...All I do is try with you & it gets me nowhere. It's exhausting...Like I doubt I'll even get a response. #PetPeeves...I just want to sleep until Monday... #FUQDIS...Goodnight.

May 19, 2013
So fucking done. I need to get out of here.

May 19, 2013
I actually HATE when I don't get what I want. #bratstatus

May 20, 2013
BUH BYE

May 20, 2013
Very close to buying a one way ticket to SC & leaving tomorrow. #BYE

May 23, 2013
So sad my SC trip got cancelled

May 23, 2013
I swear.. Every couple of months I get super baby crazy. #soonplease

May 23, 2013
Uhm grow up.

May 23, 2013
I feel so sick...

May 25, 2013
I'm hot and cold. My stomach is sick, but I'm hungry. I keep sneezing but I'm not stuffy. Someone help me...

May 26, 2013
You call it being a spoiled brat, I call it not taking any less than what I deserve

May 26, 2013
Not feeling very well..... #saveme

May 27, 2013
People who are generally too nice are more likely to be taken for granted

May 28, 2013
Ugh why do I always feel sick....

May 29, 2013
Feel like death...

May 29, 2013
[frenemy] really wants me to have a baby to play with [frenemy's baby] hahah. #text #iphone #baby #pregnant #lol…

May 30, 2013
But waaaaaait...

June 1, 2013
Why do I spend so much money on clothes?? It sucks

June 3, 2013
I feel like I'm constantly buying new clothes, yet I have nothing to wear...

June 5, 2013
I feel like so many people claim to be insane when they just don't want to deal with the consequences.

June 5, 2013
I think my boss is buying a house in the Hamptons. #needtogo

June 5, 2013
I already know what I want for Christmas. :)

June 6, 2013
Feelin real sick right about now...

June 6, 2013
Why don't I have a job down in Charleston? There are such beautiful houses in our price range!

June 7, 2013
I always get what I want.

June 8, 2013
Can't tell if i'm nauseous or hungry.. It's a fine line with me.

June 10, 2013
I have an online shopping problem... Okay, let's be honest. I have a shopping problem.

June 12, 2013
I need a foot rub like something bad

June 13, 2013
I will pay someone to bring me KFC right now.

June 14, 2013
Wait, you're super annoying, and not funny. Please go away.

June 14, 2013
So done with my car payments.. Ugh. #newcarsoon?...Time for a change! [Icon of princess head]

June 15, 2013
[Various "selfies;" including one with NSIL at a concert]

June 16, 2013
I need new dresses and necklaces. Pronto

June 16, 2013
If you are blocked and you take the time to look up my tweets... You look psychotic. Not me. 

June 18, 2013
Wedding! And APPARENTLY I have a child in me. [This was followed by many photos of herself at someone else's wedding]

June 19, 2013
The cutest old man said I was so beautiful this morning. That made my day.

June 19, 2013
Super nauseous... What the hey.

June 19, 2013
My eyes are burningggggg.

June 19, 2013
My eyes are so sensitive to everything... #needstostop

June 19, 2013
I wish more of my friends actually used SnapChat... I legit only send pics to like, 4 people. & they're prob sick of seeing my face. #ohwell

June 19, 2013
So weird... We went to the wedding two years ago & now they're getting divorced... #soweird...

June 19, 2013
I strongly dislike the fact that I need a recommendation from a doctor to get my thyroid checked even though my family has thyroid problems...it's just a pain having to make an appt to get another appt when I already know I need to go there, hahaha.

June 20, 2013
If I don't get a nap today, everyone will be sorry.

June 20, 2013
If the tiara fits, wear it.

June 21, 2013
Ugh... Summoned for Jury Duty on 8/6... it either better be a crazy murder case or I don't have to go. Either will work.

June 21, 2013
Some people are just assholes........

June 21, 2013
People get mad at you no matter what, so do what YOU wanna do. #mmmbye

June 21, 2013
Bedtime selfie! [sent to guy friend] #selfie #selfienation #pink #bow #hollaaa #idgaf [Yes, she seems to frequently send photos of her self to guy friends.]

June 21, 2013
People give me anxiety

June 22, 2013
Gah.. my chest hurts..

June 22, 2013
[Various photos of her wedding from last year]

June 23, 2013
You'll get what's coming to you... Just wait.

June 23, 2013
How can someone hurt one of the most loving, caring, amazing person I know? You've created many enemies, my friend.... #worthless

June 24, 2013
He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground & miss..

June 24, 2013
YOU ARE ANNOYING

June 25, 2013
[Various pictures of her "nephew," who isn't genetically related to her at all but whom she liked to refer to as though he is because she seems to think she has "rights" to any baby/child/human being that comes from her vast network of "frenemies."]

June 25, 2013
Haven't done a selfie in a while.. #selfie #work #pink #coral #pearls

June 26, 2013
It's already one of those days.....

June 26, 2013
[More pictures from her wedding. Which is kinda weird, considering she hasn't even reached her one year anniversary yet, which I'm pretty sure is at the end of the summer. Gee. Marriage on the rocks much?]

June 26, 2013
I have never so many trashy, nasty girls out.. Like why do you think bras and ass cheek shorts are acceptable attire in public?

June 27, 2013
I hate when people retweet people I hate. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE EVERYONE I HATE.

June 28, 2013
Rush hour traffic is literally worse than stubbing your toe...

June 28, 2013
I really love that the Chinese food place has always gotten my order wrong. Really makes my fucking night.

June 29, 2013
I could definitely go for a nap right about now... #WhyAmISoTired

June 30, 2013
This headache will not go away...