Thursday, September 20, 2012

When You Can Count The Good Days On One Hand (Part 4 of 4)

NSIL's Tweets 
June 2012 - September 2012

June 2, 2012
this weekend is the definition of #fatgirlproblems 

June 5, 2012
No one more beautiful than Marilyn Monroe and Megan Fox

June 7, 2012

June 7, 2012
Why do I torture myself like this when it's obvious you don't care?

June 10, 2012
I can't do this.

June 10, 2012
I need a drink and a shoulder to cry on right about now

June 10, 2012
feeling a little delirious from lack of sleep

June 10, 2012
At the end of the day you're fat.

June 11, 2012
sad as fuck

June 12, 2012
Lying is as easy to you as breathing.

June 13, 2012
maybz its a sign from the party gods that this happens to be the first summer im a single gal and its gonna be the craziest summer evvaaaa

June 17, 2012
R.I.P to the girl you used to see.

June 17, 2012
i am no annngggel

June 17, 2012
wait why am i annoyed right now

June 18, 2012
omgggg tired as fuck

June 19, 2012
can't eat. can't sleep.

June 20, 2012
i'll never admit it

June 21, 2012
I don't know whether to be happy or sad about this

June 21, 2012
you're not fooling anyone haha #pathetic 

June 21, 2012
fucking annoyed.

June 22, 2012
Hating life brb

June 22, 2012
Tonight has felt like one big slap in the face

June 23, 2012
you're actually so grimey and desperate

June 25, 2012
You're loss i guessss

June 25, 2012
you're actually not even worth it

June 26, 2012
i just want to fucking sleep.

June 26, 2012
I'm such a bitch and sometimes I hate myself but its okay.

June 27, 2012
horrible nightmares and itchy as fuck from these painkillers

June 27, 2012
omg so looooopppyy right now

June 27, 2012
Happppyyyyyy [Smiley Face]

June 27, 2012
I'm the best bestfriend

June 28, 2012
gaining 10 pounds by the day probbbbably

June 29, 2012
Happy to be blessed with such good people in my life

June 29, 2012
get a fucking life

June 30, 2012

July 1, 2012
debating on throwing myself a birthday banger

July 1, 2012
i fucking hate myself

July 1, 2012
I wish I had a sister

July 1, 2012
not sure this day could get worse.

July 2, 2012
disgusted

July 2, 2012
you have fat cellulite hamster legs.

July 3, 2012
I don't want to think about college and growing up

July 3, 2012
the only thing that would fix this horrible day is getting fucked up with my bitches.

July 5, 2012
worst fucking mood

July 5, 2012
You can always expect a #Cancer to be filled with intense mood swings.

July 7, 2012
i wish i had someone to lean on and talk to when shit like this happens

July 8, 2012
I'm convinced that I can get anything I want if I pout my lip and open my eyes wide.

July 9, 2012
you don't even realize how fucked up that is

July 10, 2012
ink my whole body i dont give a mother fuckkkkkk

July 11, 2012
I'm stupid for pursuing this but whatever

July 11, 2012
All the bitches love me

July 11, 2012
holy shit. sick as fuck right nowww

July 12, 2012
why am i so crazy doe

July 12, 2012
Your loss

July 12, 2012
I hate you

July 16, 2012
#idowhatiwant #fuckthehaters

July 16, 2012
Why do I even bother

July 17, 2012
Why am I in a bad mood..

July 17, 2012
I can never be disappointed if I don't have expectations for anyone, right?

July 18, 2012
so if i could be perfect like kim kardashian or megan fox thatd be cool

July 18, 2012
I am feeling like sucha nice gal tonight

July 19, 2012
I basically live alone in a giant house with two dogs as my only friends [thumbs up]

July 20, 2012
Fuck this feeling

July 20, 2012
omg snooping is never a good idea. oh dear god.

July 20, 2012
It is so unfortunately true that we ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us.

July 22, 2012
im the fat and ugly one

July 25, 2012
if theres one thing I'd tell you it would be that I made it without you.

July 26, 2012
I hate how you can make me feel like this

July 26, 2012
fuck you tho

July 26, 2012
you make me wanna puke

July 27, 2012
the retarded thing is my subtweets [*the shortening of "subliminal tweet" which is directly referring to a particular person without mentioning their name or directly mentioning them] are about someone that will never even see them... 

July 28, 2012
im so obsessed with marilyn monroe

July 30, 2012
someone save me

August 1, 2012
Everything is damaged way too bad to recover.

August 1, 2012
slipping fast

August 2, 2012
what happens if you try to buy alc using a self check out at a grocery store? #anybodyknow 

August 3, 2012
cant sleep

August 4, 2012
Omg i cant be here anymore

August 5, 2012
omg everyone stop talking to me about college

August 5, 2012
i wish i could be that perfect

August 6, 2012
Actually considering bleaching my hair so I can be Marilyn

August 6, 2012
[Retweeted the following that a friend tweeted about her]: My friends are so dumb .. Ya that's u NSIL

August 14, 2012
Every good story starts with: "Remember that time we got drunk and..."

August 16, 2012
Mom just told me to have a party tonight... #whatsgoingon

August 16, 2012
feeling low so get me high

August 16, 2012
It is so frustrating that i would do anything for a friend but never recieve the kindness back.

August 18, 2012
not really sure what else could go wrong.

August 18, 2012
days like today I think of you #missmybrother 

August 18, 2012
i just want to sleep forever and never wake up

August 20, 2012
so can i go to Cali too, mom? no okay

August 22, 2012
im pathetic.

August 23, 2012
already looking forward to the first time i come home and i haven't even left yet...

August 25, 2012
so fukcking upset roight now

August 27, 2012
havin the worst damn luck at college right now...sold out football tickets

August 28, 2012
Actually happy.

August 29, 2012
perfection doesn't exist but i still wish to be perfect.

August 29, 2012
fml 

August 29, 2012
where are you supposed to cry in college though..

August 30, 2012
so who has adderall for me

August 30, 2012
Would I hang out with ugly people? No

August 30, 2012
lookin at uconn athletes thinking, "hmm which one of you is gonna be my husband.."

August 30, 2012
this has been the worst 2 days ever.

August 30, 2012
i think im about to explode

August 30, 2012
your cross eyed and have fat cellulite legs

August 31, 2012
one class right now then weekend..? i guess college is alright

September 1, 2012
feelin so shitty

September 2, 2012
how is it possible for someone to be THAT perfect...

September 3, 2012
hate this feeling

September 3, 2012
why cant i be beautiful like marilyn

September 4, 2012
I'm positive that I can't do this.

September 4, 2012
so sick of this holy shit.

September 6, 2012
Could not feel any worse right now.

September 6, 2012
supposed to be writing an essay in class right now but im blasting techno and on twitter cuz im just too damn smart for these ppl

September 6, 2012
i miss [dog] and [dog]

September 6, 2012
If I gain 15 pounds here I'll probably just killl myself

September 7, 2012
the fact that im awake right now is fueled by the knowledge i will be drunk af tonight.

September 7, 2012
Lmaoo why do I do favors for ungrateful people? Is it really that hard to fucking say thank you?

September 7, 2012
I actually don't care about anything because I'm literally having the time of my life.

September 8, 2012
i just want to be home.

September 8, 2012
Fuck This

September 8, 2012
Drink more, love less.

September 9, 2012
wait i dont like college anymore, can i drop out.

September 9, 2012
fat ass

September 9, 2012
I have every reason not to care..so why do I..

September 10, 2012
goin to every class hoping for a male TA so we can fall in love and he can give me A's and ill skip class and go tanning.

September 10, 2012
Marilyn got a nose job so that means I can too, right?

September 11, 2012
If I put the amount of effort and time I put into day dreaming and worrying, into my school work I would be valedictorian of the world.

September 11, 2012
walking 3 miles off campus just to tan #ugh #fakebitchprobs 

September 11, 2012
need some xanax and ambien

September 11, 2012
waiting for the call about not makin the [sports] team to put the icing on the cake of this damn horrible night

September 11, 2012
I think the only person that could've ever truly understand me is Marilyn.  #waitthatsweird #ohwell #oneday #inheaven #loveyoumarilyn

September 11, 2012
i can't do this.

September 11, 2012
Get. me. out.

September 12, 2012
dropping out and getting a puppy and goin to cosmetology school.

September 12, 2012
can't wait to buy a puppy when i drop out

September 12, 2012
lol yup i was looking up puppies at 2am when i couldnt sleep last night yup

September 12, 2012
This is the hardest decision of my life holy shit

September 13, 2012
HAHAHA KARMAS A BITCH U ASSHOLE

September 14, 2012
why must i ALWAYS do everything differently than everyone else...

September 14, 2012
this is fucking bullshit

September 14, 2012
I don't ask for much and do everything for everyone. So why is it that I can never get that back?

September 14, 2012
what did i do to deserve this

September 16, 2012
breaking all the rules

September 16, 2012
Fuck everyone.

September 16, 2012
i love surprises...all the surprised ive gotten lately are horrible tho. #lol #notfunny #nowimademyselfmad #fuck 

September 16, 2012
Going to bed with an empty heart and a troubled mind. #worstfeeling 

September 17, 2012
By now I should be used to the fact that the people that matter and the plans I make will constantly be changing but it still sucks

September 17, 2012
waiting for more bad things to happen. literally waiting.

September 18, 2012
I always do and get what I want cuz its #NSILSWORLD

September 18, 2012
Officially home. #collegedropoutprobs

September 18, 2012
fuuuuckkk

September 19, 2012
Things I need right now: 1. a puppy 2. jeffrey campbell lita platform boots. 3. pink lemonade burnetts

September 19, 2012
worst 2 weeks of my life. every single day just gets worse

September 19, 2012
It's not possible to make someone care

September 19, 2012
Ultimatum with my parents: either you buy me a nice car orrrrrr im getting a motorcycle

September 20, 2012
what is sleep

September 20, 2012
I am so lucky to have a mom that knows shopping equals happiness.

September 20, 2012
I literally have 5 extra beds in my house right now yet i am home alone...

September 20, 2012
Getting sick when you're home alone is the worst thing ever

Analysis
[Broken up into sections by topic]

the retarded thing is my subtweets are about someone that will never even see them...
Okay folks, so from the top, the following are all the tweets that are either directly about DH, or indirectly about him. I based my choices on the timing of certain tweets, indiscreet references to DH, and the fact that the one person she knew who was, in fact, least likely to see these tweets was her brother. Drumroll please. These are NSIL's thinly veiled insults and thoughts about her brother and his life choices [nothing new here, if you've read all the posts so far, this is just me putting all of the comments that are possibly directed at DH in one place]: I miss my brother.#waitwhatbrother, you're a douchebag. #truth, We are all starting to forget you were ever part of this family, Why does every good day have to be ruined? #yourstupid, I fucking hate you, What makes people important? It's not just the happiness that you feel when you see them, but it's also the pain you feel when you miss them, i miss my brother #randomtweet, i miss you, Happy Birthday to a #nonexistent brother, #sorryimnotsorry i dont care about you at all, i want a new family, youre absolutely pathetic, i am absolutely disgusted with you, You ruined this family, But truthfully, the way you threaten your parents & friends is immature and disrespectful. Have fun with that #tho, our lives would be so different if you didnt walk out. #imissmybrother...if he comes back we should all get tattoos, i wonder if you miss me..or even think about me at all for that matter, you forgot about me, fuck you, this is so hard, why cant you make it better, All i want is for you to be proud of me, i was doing this all for you. you don't even notice and don't even care, and its times like these that i wish my brother was still around, A brother is a friend God gave you; a friend is a brother your heart chose, all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas, fuckkkkkk youuuuuuu, This year I think there's a couple things/people I gotta let go of, All I want is for my brother to watch me play lacrosse before I graduate. #wishfulthinking, I just wanna talk to you, I miss you, It shouldn't take a death for you to to want to start telling your parents and friends that you love them, Dissapointed in your decisions, You will honestly never change, i would do anything to have my brother back, There's nothing I want more than to have my brother see me graduate, I wish my brother was in my life, you're not fooling anyone haha #pathetic, You're loss i guessss, Your loss, I hate you, if theres one thing I'd tell you it would be that I made it without you, I hate how you can make me feel like this, fuck you tho, you make me want to puke, days like today I think of you #missmybrother, It's not possible to make someone care. I mean really though. If even half of those comments are about DH, then I guess we have answers to some of the questions we've been asking ourselves the past year or so: Yes, indeedy, DH they're still thinking about you and they're still talking about you. They go back and forth between believing that the sun shines out DH's ass and that he's the answer to every single problem on earth; and thinking that he IS every single problem on earth. DH has the cards stacked against him and there's no fucking way he could walk back in there with such a HUGE amount of responsibility being placed on his shoulders.

"days like today"
I really think there's something to my theory about their being a link between NSIL missing her brother and holidays/special events. The following tweet was tweeted at Exhibit A's wedding: "days like today I think of you #missmybrother." So, once again, is it ONLY on "days like today" that she thinks of him? I imagine her going to that wedding and feeling embarrassed and ashamed that her brother wasn't there too. According to the "rules," not only should DH have been there, but hell, he probably should have been the one getting married. She tweeted that comment about missing her brother right after arriving at the wedding. I just imagine her getting there and wanting to bury her head in the sand, because literally everyone she and DH knew and grew up with were at that wedding and there was no way to hide her "secret shame." I think it's probably most obvious in situations like that, that her life and her family isn't "perfect" anymore. Too many people would have noticed that DH isn't around for their lives to be as "perfect" as they'd have everyone believe.

"dropping out"
You read it right, friends: "Officially home. #collegedropoutprobs" "i just want to be home" "i can't do this" "Get.me.out." "dropping out and getting a puppy and goin to cosmetology school." NSIL made it a whole two weeks before dropping out of that college she was "so excited about." I'm going to say we can cross off "time and distance from NMIL" from that list of "things that are absolutely required for NSIL to escape the FOG." DH and I had a conversation some weeks ago about how long we thought she'd last at school. My guess was a few weeks, at best. DH mistakenly thought that his sister was something like him and that she'd just "coast through" college. I just didn't see her making it. She just can't hack it. As TW said to me, "College is NOT highschool." And it's all really sad because college would have been a great opportunity for her to start cutting the umbilical cord. She would have had at least some of the necessary physical distance she needs from her NM, and with that, some emotional distance might have grown. And quite possibly what's even more sad than her dropping out of school is the fact that she's just going home to an empty house. Empty, both literally and figuratively.

"I basically live alone in a giant house"
NSIL's tweets about being abandoned by her NM: "I basically live alone in a giant house with two dogs as my only friends [thumbs up]" "Mom just told me to have a party tonight... #whatsgoingon" "It is so unfortunately true that we ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us" "so can i go to Cali too, mom? no okay" "I literally have 5 extra beds in my house right now yet i am home alone..." "Getting sick when you're home alone is the worst thing ever." Last year, I had a theory that, when NMIL bought her McMansion in 2010, she didn't care what that would mean for her young teenage daughter; and she was more interested in the "show" of having a mini-mansion than she was in the reality that it's absurd for any woman with only one child (who would likely be leaving for school in just a year) to buy a house with that kind of square footage. At almost fifty years old, and with only one other person living with you, you don't buy a 4,500 square foot house with five bathrooms unless you don't actually plan on being there and don't care that your daughter will end up being there alone all the time. And "Mom just told me to have a party tonight?" God NMIL. What a cold-hearted bitch. We all know that means you're away somewhere with your lame brained boyfriend. And you don't give a shit about that daughter you have who is so miserable she dropped out of college after two weeks and came home to live with her only real friends: her dogs. So I guess she can slink off and party with them. Since all of her other friends are away at school. Who the hell else is she going to party with? And, can I just say: the fact that NMIL, who made a big deal out of DH not going to his sister's famous birthday party, chose not to be around for her daughter's eighteenth. Holy Hypocrisy, Batman.

Bonus Thoughts from Jonsi
- I'm not at all going to be surprised when this girl ODs on the sleeping pills she's so fond of.
- "Happy to be blessed with such good people in my life." What good people?
- "omg snooping is never a good idea. oh dear god." If she was home, the only person she could have been snooping on was her mother. Wonder what she found?
-"I think the only person that could've ever truly understand me is Marilyn.  #waitthatsweird #ohwell #oneday #inheaven #loveyoumarilyn." Oh dear god. This sounds like a death wish. I think part of the reason she made her tweets public is because she's calling for help. But what she fails to realize is that no one can truly fix things for her. She really has to help herself.

11 comments:

  1. "I am so lucky to have a mom that knows shopping equals happiness"

    I really, really feel sad for this girl. She seems to have chosen the worst possible reaction to parental narcissism. Enmeshment + self-destructive hatred of self and everyone else.

    Can someone open an anonymous twitter account and send her some links?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow PA. That could be a fantastic idea. I don't know much about twitter, but I can look into that!

      Delete
  2. It's sad to read these, but also a little scary because I realize that I had the potential to go down the path she's on.

    Thank goodness I didn't.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Damn, she sounds like my sister. Who only got worse with balding everyone else for her misery. At some point, you have to find the strength to end the cycle. My sister probably never will and now has 2 daughters and a young son she's dumping all of the misery onto. She's not as fad as my mother, but she's borderline PD and damaging.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's not DH's or your cross to bear. Who set up the dynamics? Who ensured DH and you would be seen as "The Bad Guys?" Who is too busy pursuing their own life/agenda (lemme find some sucka to support my ass in the style to which I'm entitled) to not notice her DD is in a world of hurt? Who has successfully identified "The Bogey Man" as DH for individuating? For saying, "Hey, I'm NOT my mother's husband?"
    Who has shut her DD DOWN emotionally repeatedly? Who has TOLD DD how to think, how to feel, how to live and how it's all a game based on appearances? "Find some sucka to support yo ass, baby, as long as it's in the right zip code."
    The whole purpose of college was NOT education, learning about yourself and the world: It was all about finding an "appropriate" husband.
    MM repeatedly shows up in the tweets, yet MM is FAT by today's "standards." So my thought is NSIL identifies with the "Misunderstood, lonely, used-by-the-Hollywood-Machine" re-write of hx. MM used and was used-at HER discretion. Her willingness to trade "this" for "that" is not widely published or known. It's much more the story of a high-functioning PD in the '50's (ancient hx., I get that) and makes a much more sympathetic made-for-the-masses "story" of a manipulative PD. No man or partner can deal into the indefinite future with a PD woman and I don't care how much they love them, what they "do" for them, it will never be enough.
    Thank you, NMIL for presiding over the destruction of the lives of your off spring. You work hard for the money, so hard for it honey, you'll sell your soul, your body and your kid's lives for your edification.
    And when your "DD" dies, you can pimp it for even more sympathy.
    For the Devil.
    TW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. [clap clap clap clap clap]. TW, as always, you've put it brilliantly.

      I think that after reading all of these tweets, I've decided that NSIL isn't quite as shallow as I thought. A good point to consider is that Exhibit A and NSIL are both narcs-in-the-making, but Exhibit A seems vapidly "happy" in her circumstances, and NSIL does not. Her unhappiness, I think, is evidence that she knows something is really wrong.

      I really wish there was something we could do. DH and I discussed the possibility of sending her some information anonymously, but we both think that no matter how careful were were, she'd eventually link it back to him. I'm guessing that there is NO ONE else who came from their "world" who would send her information about narcissism or the dynamics of families with narcissistic parents. DH is the only one from her FOO (or even friends) that might ever send her any information that indicates her mother is not the "angelic figure" that everyone else thinks she is.

      But there's a part of me that really does ache for this girl. And damn it, I could have been her friend, under different circumstances.

      She needs one.

      Delete
  5. No, no. Not now, jonsi. Not ever, actually. She's gonna have to find her own way or not. I say this only because having any kind of contact with her now that YOU guys initiate isn't gonna work for either of them (or you.) It's gonna put more pressure on her right now and that's the last thing she needs and you guys can't help in any event. I'm sorry to say this, but you can't realistically make any kind of significant in-roads here, IMO.
    The end of this story has not been written.
    She'll find her way to you guys when/if she's ready. But she's gonna have to fight for her own life and independence first. We all had to and many of us have found our way "out." So there's hope but in the meantime, you, DH and the kids have to deal with your own lives at the present time. Believe me, she knows where you are now and will find you in the future when she's in a "place" (in every way) to do so.
    No one can do this for her. No one did for us, nor should they. It may have taken us until we were 20 or 70, but we found it.
    Again, the end of her story has not been written and you and your family are engaged on your own journey. That's where your energy/effort needs to be now-yeah, as if it's a "choice" when the kids are small, eh? You have more than enough on your "Family Plate" now and that's where your attention rightfully is directed.
    I don't care how "Child Proof" the house is. ;)
    TW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The more I think about it, the more I think you're right. Even if we were to get through somehow (if mail wasn't intercepted, if we have the correct email address, if she were to actually read anything we sent her...I could go on and on, there are just too many ifs) I really doubt that it would make even a drop of difference. Sad. But we just have to go on and hope that maybe someday she'll escape.

      Delete
    2. Hi Jonsi,
      I definitely felt provoked to comment on this post too.
      I get the *awful* feeling that she's desperately trying to hook you and your DH, and that she's got some sort of romantic long-term suicide plan in place (a la the beautifully tragic, dramatic and untimely death of the unknowingly-much-loved Marilyn Monroe). As soon as she knows you guys are willing to save her, she can (and will?!) take herself out knowing 1) It'll hurt DH forever and bring about revenge for him not cherishing her enough, and 2) it'll be a dramatic tragedy and she'll be mourned like MM (how intoxicating is that thought to an N?!).
      I smell set-up - ugly, tragic, terrible set-up. :-(
      Be careful - protect yourselves. If you can't help but feel you have to save her (watch out for 'saviour complexes' - I know I have one!!!), maybe take a 6 month vacation from her Twitter feed? Check back, see that nothing's changed, and sleep a little easier?
      Take good care of yourself, Jonsi!!

      Delete
    3. Quercus, you make a really great point about a lot of this possibly being a setup. It definitely sparked a lot of questions for me when NSIL suddenly made her twitter public, when it had been private for most of the time she's had it. What gives? Why now? I think you may very well have a point about NSIL making it public now because she's hoping DH will find it and DO something about it.

      Delete
  6. Jonsi, thanks for posting this all. I suspect some of it was for my benefit too.
    She makes me so sad. I can see NSIL in her. That sad, sad little girl. I get it. And I'm bummed she quit college. I had had some hope for her there. Sigh.

    I get why you want to help. It's like watching a drowning person out at sea. Being swallowed over and over by the waves. The thing is, even if you threw her that life preserver, she'd have to be ready to receive it. She can't grab hold of it with her hands behind her back. And right now, you are the enemy. Anything you and DH do to help would be viewed as suspicious at the least. It's still hard. It must be really hard for DH. To watch her get swallowed by the same monster that nearly ate him and know there isn't a damn thing he can do about it.
    TW is right though. You have your kids and your marriage and your life to maintain. And that's a lot. Keep working on yourselves and maybe if, or when, she comes around you'll be stronger and better able to help her. Something tells me you'll need all the strength you can muster to save her.

    ReplyDelete