Thursday, September 20, 2012

When You Can Count The Good Days On One Hand (Part 2 of 4)

 NSIL's Tweets 
July 2011 - December 2011

July 1, 2011
i guess being extremely cocky is better than being extremely self-conscious #deepthoughts

July 2, 2011
i dont think ive ever looked this hideous in public before...

July 5, 2011
i am absolutely disgusted with you.

July 8, 2011
you're such a bitch.

July 10, 2011
#dinnertime!...by myself...

July 12, 2011
l.i.v.i.d.

July 12, 2011
#idgaf when im not invited anymore because i expect it

July 12, 2011
i made a mistake #imreallysorry

July 14, 2011
You ruined this family

July 21, 2011
i wish i had a family like one on 8 simple rules #dreamin

July 27, 2011
People exagerate and say they have 3 friends, well i literally have 3 friends. lol. fml.

July 31, 2011
But truthfully, the way you threaten your parents & friends is immature and disrespectful. Have fun with that #tho

August 2, 2011
omg #imstupid

August 3, 2011
i miss being home with a family. not just my mom... #divorcecons

August 5, 2011
[retweeted from Exhibit A]: i've come the the conclusion that each summer that passes gets worse. #depressedtweet #sorry

August 5, 2011
Self esteem lowered so much. I feel like shit right now

August 6, 2011
you dont have the decency to tell me the truth. but you have the balls to lie to my face.

August 15, 2011
i want to get fucked up and dance!

August 15, 2011
i have such expensive taste.. #couldbeaproblem

August 17, 2011
I wish I could lose 30 pounds though.

August 17, 2011
looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry... #fatgirlproblems #uglygirlproblems

August 24, 2011
i dont think celebrities are beautiful, anyone would be that beautiful with that much makeup... #randomtweet

August 24, 2011
Is it bad that I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either?

August 26, 2011
House to myself... Too bad I have no friends

August 26, 2011
#fatgirlproblems

August 30, 2011
being skinny > everything else...

September 3, 2011
so annoyed. SERIOUSLY #fuckyou 

September 5, 2011
That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you calls themselves fat

September 9, 2011
just ate one bite of a red velvet cupcake from big y and it was the most amazing bite evvvver!!! #sugardeprived #fuckdiets #notreally 

September 12, 2011
i hate good students. #youreannoying 

September 13, 2011
why does everyone like to lie to me lately? #bullshit 

September 13, 2011
feeling like a fat fuck.

September 14, 2011
I wish I had someone to talk to about this who wouldn't judge me

September 14, 2011
#ifmydreamscametrue id lose 20 pounds.

September 15, 2011
its been such a good day!

September 15, 2011
#whenyoueatfruitandveggiesfor3weeks and the thought of a french fry makes your mouth water...

September 15, 2011
NSIL: our lives would be so different if you didnt walk out. #imissmybrother 
Exhibit A: i'm sorry. :( is there anything i can do love?
NSIL: aww thanks but no :( if he comes back we should all get tattoos! lol

September 18, 2011
#ThingsThatGetMeUpset thinking about college..

September 18, 2011
i wonder if you miss me..or even think about me at all for that matter.

September 22, 2011
you forgot about me.

September 23, 2011
i really feel like i missed out on so many friends because i was never single in high school. #regret 

September 24, 2011
i literally want to cry because i have no friends.

September 24, 2011
you are fucking assholes.

September 24, 2011
dreading that day. it will be the hardest thing i ever have to do in my life.

September 24, 2011
if you have pictures of you in a bikini as a default and have perfect teeth and everything else SHUT UP ABOUT BEIN UGLY AND FAT #BRAT

September 26, 2011
#itmakesmefeelworse about myself when you say that me and someone that is a size negative 0000 are the same size. like #OBVIOUSLYNOT #THANKS

September 30, 2011
making cookies because im sad #fatgirlproblems 

October 2, 2011
in those moods where i want to pierce something, dye my hair, or get a tat... #whattodo 

October 5, 2011
really bitch?

October 6, 2011
no school. perfect weather. beautiful day. #imhappy 

October 6, 2011
forever wishing i could be someone else

October 9, 2011
not sure i want to go to UVM, but their sweatpants are #BOMB 

October 9, 2011
done with this shit.

October 10, 2011
fuck you.

October 12, 2011
Marilyn Monroe was definetly the most beautiful person ever to live.

October 12, 2011 
#Cancer seems to have 2 personalities. One is very outgoing, funny and quirky. The other is shy, moody and antisocial.

October 13, 2011
you honestly make up this shit in your head just for a reason to get mad at me. YOU ARE PSYCHO.

October 14, 2011
i look like a big fat marshmallow.

October 14, 2011
feeling like a fat fuck after seeing all the skinny gals with painted stomachs.

October 15, 2011
#crushed

October 17, 2011
i can't do this.

October 24, 2011
this topic was already so hard without your comments. now its a million times worse.

October 24, 2011
i was sad so my mama bought me the most beautiful purse. love her

October 24, 2011
this is so hard, why cant you make it better?

October 25, 2011
not doing anything. not talking to anyone. #goodnight 

October 27, 2011
Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe were the most beautiful people to ever live.

October 28, 2011
parking in a handicap spot, picking up chinese food in slippers... #imclassy

October 31, 2011
i fucking hate everyone.

November 3, 2011
why does everyone tell me to be a lawyer?

November 4, 2011
umm cool, jerk.

November 6, 2011
NSIL: im SO sick and tired of being bigger than everyone else. #ExtremeDietTime 
Fellow Tweeter: if I could look like one other person in this world it'd be you. You're beautiful. Don't ever thing any differently.
NSIL: omg no you are beautiful!!! thank you so much though. like seriously, thank you.

November 7, 2011
All i want is for you to be proud of me.

November 7, 2011
i think so many people are beautiful.

November 7, 2011
Always crying, never living

November 9, 2011
I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now.

November 9, 2011
i can already tell nothing is going to change.

November 15, 2011
ive never been called fat so many times in one month. #childhoodrepeat

November 16, 2011
everyone text my mom happy birthday!!!!!

November 16, 2011
why do i do this to myself..

November 17, 2011
you're perfect. you're beautiful.

November 23, 2011
i was doing this all for you. you don't even notice and don't even care.

November 23, 2011
if theres a god he will send my belly button ring in the mail today because thats the only thing to make this day better.

November 24, 2011
omg shut up you are so annoying and only do this for attention

November 25, 2011
and its times like these that i wish my brother was still around...

November 27, 2011
i feel bad for people who don't believe in God.

November 28, 2011
#waitbut im in such a good mood

November 28, 2011
#BREAKTHROUGH

November 28, 2011
when you try so fucking hard and not one person notices <<<<<<<<<<<<<< #wtf 

November 28, 2011
#breakdown

November 28, 2011
you're the only one who believes in me so i'll do it for you.

November 29, 2011
hm, didnt know so many people took ambien

December 1, 2011
A brother is a friend God gave you; a friend is a brother your heart chose.

December 4, 2011
i cant wait to get my super tacky juicy track suit for xmas

December 5, 2011
i don't even understand how that is possible. #whyareyouperfect #whycantibeyou 

December 6, 2011
I wish I was one of those people who can eat whatever they want and still look good

December 7, 2011
this has been such a horrible week so far.

December 9, 2011
One of those I hate everyone days. #lovelife 

December 9, 2011
people dont understand how much they hurt me when they say shit like that

December 9, 2011
at the mall by myself, treating myself to a well deserved shopping spree.

December 11, 2011
honestly you are the worst friend. you are so mean and such an asshole. dont expect me to talk to you much anymore. #midnightvent 

December 12, 2011
omg i wish i was on the show Scouted i would be the best model. too bad im not 5'11 and 100lbs.

December 19, 2011
Today, I am a #fatgirlproblem #ohwell 

December 21, 2011
God, if I can’t have what I want, let me want what I have.

December 23, 2011
you don't get it.

December 23, 2011
just so sick of all the bullshit.

December 24, 2011
HOLY EFFFFF! WHITE MICHEAL KORS WATCH FROM DAD #MERRYCHRISTMASTOME 

December 25, 2011
I love everyone #merrychristmas 

December 25, 2011
I'm so happy with my gifts! My parents are the best and know me so well!

December 25, 2011
gonna be looking like a boss in my juicy track suit and michael kors watch

December 25, 2011
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more. they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks.
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya

December 25, 2011
Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you.

December 25, 2011
i just wanna be happy.

December 25, 2011
So grateful for my mom. She deserves the best

December 26, 2011
i dont even know you but i actually HATE you with a burning passion because you're so beautiful.

December 30, 2011
fuckkkkkk youuuuuuu

December 30, 2011
done with people who don't care.  #deuces

Analysis
[Broken up into sections by topic]

"You ruined this family"
More running commentary either directly or indirectly about DH, or pertaining to the fact that her "perfect lil family" has been destroyed: "You ruined this family," "i wish i had a family like one on 8 simple rules #dreamin," "But truthfully, the way you threaten your parents & friends is immature and disrespectful. Have fun with that #tho," "i miss being home with a family. not just my mom... #divorcecons," "our lives would be so different if you didnt walk out. #imissmybrother," "if he comes back we should all get tattoos," "i wonder if you miss me..or even think about me at all for that matter," "and its times like these that i wish my brother was still around...," "A brother is a friend God gave you; a friend is a brother your heart chose," "all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas." There were actually quite a few in this batch, with a few others that I haven't listed here because I wasn't as positive they were definitely about DH. But the few I listed above are, for certain. So my thoughts are that NSIL is being fed all sorts of lies about DH from her NM, on top of feeling abandoned by him. That's a pretty nasty cocktail, right there. She places ALL of the blame on her brother, without ever even remotely considering that her own mother might have driven him away. She also leaves absolutely NO space in her mind to entertain the idea that it's actually fucking normal for people to get married, have children, and move away from home. She seems to maintain the fantasies of a five year old, where her brother never would have left and they could have had bedrooms across the hall from each other forever, in a perpetual black and white 50s sitcom. And I have a real problem with her notion that her brother ruined their family by "walking out" on them, because it all goes back to that wierd and disturbing idea that "nobody ever goes in. And nobody ever comes out" of a dysfunctional family; and it's a mentality that shows she thought of him as more than just a brother. The thing is, he can't be her daddy. She's going to have to solve her daddy issues with some other dude. Another thing I noticed is that most of the time, she tweets about her brother during major functions where a lot of other people are around and are bound to notice the ONE person from their little unit that isn't there. "And it's times like these that I wish my brother was still around" was tweeted on Thanksgiving, when she was probably surrounded by her FOO and childhood "friends" and DH was probably the huge white elephant in the room. NMIL and NSIL are probably uber aware of his absence at times like those because it totally doesn't jive with the image they want the world to see: that everything is oh-so-perfect. It becomes difficult to maintain that particular facade when your perfect little son/brother is missing from your perfect little party in your perfect little life. And that particular comment also made me wonder if those are the ONLY times when she thinks about her brother - on major holidays and events when his absence creates a sense of shame for her. In other words, I wonder whether she only thinks about him when her image is at stake.

"By myself"
The loneliness must truly be unbearable: " #dinnertime!...by myself..." "People exagerate and say they have 3 friends, well i literally have 3 friends. lol. fml," "House to myself... Too bad I have no friends," "I wish I had someone to talk to about this who wouldn't judge me," "you forgot about me," "i literally want to cry because i have no friends." This very empty and lonely creature was created by a NM who taught her that in order to be loved, you need to have an endless supply of people to use friends; and that no amount of friends is good enough. DH was this way not so long ago; where he collected friends like insects for a third grade science project and proudly displayed them for years as a way to prove to himself that he was special: "See all of these friends I've collected? They all want me. They all need me. They all love me." In reality, he didn't have one god damned good friend in the bunch. Not a fucking single one. And I'd bet my bottom dollar that neither does NSIL. She lives in a world where, even the people she's known the longest would probably sell her out in an instant if there was something in it for them. She lives in a world where everyone hears her desperate and pitious cries for help but no one is willing to lift a finger to offer her true support. She lives in a world where gossip reigns supreme. She lives in a world where nothing is sacred. She lives in a world where she's probably everybody's favorite "drug dealer" but when it comes to bailing her out no one's got a dime to spare. But here's the thing: it's HER CHOICE to live in that world. So, while I have feelings of saddness for her, it also makes me angry that she's choosing to sit and wallow in her miserable loneliness instead of getting the fuck out of there and into a different world. The sentiment of being forgotten makes me sad for her on a very deep level. I think that's one of the worst feelings in the world, to feel like you've been forgotten. I wonder if it's DH she believes has forgotten her. I also wonder why she can't see that it wasn't his job to pick her up. If I could tell her something right now, I would tell her to get help; to seek guidance and support from people who can help her see through the FOG and help her out of the smoke and mirrors. The people she's got right now aren't doing anything but helping her stay in her current role; and it's a role that I think will eventually kill her. It's a role that is eating away at her life force, every single day.

"Is it bad that I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either?"
Her lack of enthusiasm for...anything, really...but in particular, for collegeis pretty apparent in statements such as these: "Is it bad that I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either?" "#ThingsThatGetMeUpset thinking about college..." "not sure i want to go to UVM, but their sweatpants are #BOMB" But wait. Isn't this a completely different picture from the one NMIL painted of NSIL in her recent ridiculous emails to DH? According to NMIL just a few months after NSIL tweeted these comments, "She has now decided on [college] as her first choice and is getting excited." I wasn't buying it then and I REALLY wasn't buying it when I read NSIL's dialog on the subject. I mean, I'm fairly certain that a person who says "I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either" is not someone who is "getting excited" about college. It's either a case where NMIL was lying out her ass, as per usual, or else she really didn't care to look closely enough at her daughter to see that she was super fucking unhappy about the whole college thing. DH hypothesized that NMIL probably asked NSIL one day, "Are you excited about going to college?" and NSIL replied, "Yes." And so everyone was lying to everyone was lying to everyone was lying to everyone. It's like pay-it-forward, but with lies.

"Being skinny is greater than everything else"
Probably about ninety percent of NSIL's tweets revolve around her weight and her appearance: "looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry," "just ate one bite of a red velvet cupcake from big y and it was the most amazing bite evvvver," "Marilyn Monroe was definetly the most beautiful person ever to live," "ive never been called fat so many times in one month. #childhoodrepeat." I talked about NSIL's obvious self-esteem issues in the last post, and it's really just a common thread throughout her entire online-dialog. It's definitely an obsession, if ever I've seen one, and for people like this it's always about control. It's one of the only things in her life she probably feels she has any control over, so the "proof is in the pudding" if you know what I mean. (Pun intended.) DH and I had a very long conversation about NSIL's choice of role models - and you'll read about another one of her role models in the next installment - and I told DH that the first things I think of when I think of Marilyn Monroe are, "trashy" and "dead." The woman, though indeed beautiful, was not known for her classiness. And she died of a drug overdose at a very young age. During her life she was known, at best, as a sex symbol and not much more. I mean...I guess yeah, if you want to aspire to be like any celebrity, sure. Pick one of the "beautiful but dead" ones. Pick one of the ones who was about as fake as they come. Ever see pictures of Norma Jeane Mortenson before she became the iconic Marilyn everyone thinks of? She was not the buxom blond everyone knows her as and her entire image was one that was created by the people around her. Beautiful? Yes. But real? Hell no. And on to the tweet that really made me angry: "ive never been called fat so many times in one month. #childhoodrepeat." And it's not necessarily the claim that she was called "fat so many times in one month" that got me. Though that may very well be true, or it may also be true that she just percieved that any glance from a friend or stranger was the equivallent of someone calling her "fat," the thing that pissed me off was her fucking hashtag. Methinks NMIL must have topped the list and lead the club of "People Who Call NSIL Fat." I even have a theory that NMIL overfed her kids on purpose...because she wanted them to be fat. That way, she was starting her kid's (and in particular, her daughter) off on a journey of lifelong esteem issues and weight problems.

"why does everyone like to lie to me lately? #bullshit"
Lately? I want to ask this girl, "Have you ever met your mother?" Because I'm sure that woman has been lying to you everyday all day for your entire fucking existance and it's not going to stop. But I'm intrigued by NSIL's interest in truth vs lies, if only because it means she must be aware on some level that her mother, to whom she has offered her entire existance, is the biggest fucking bullshitter of them all. Then of course, Denial steps in to wreck the day.
"my mom"
The pedestal on which NMIL sits, atop her throne of lies: "i was sad so my mama bought me the most beautiful purse. love her." "everyone text my mom happy birthday!!!!!" "I'm so happy with my gifts! My parents are the best and know me so well!" "So grateful for my mom. She deserves the best." So: NSIL, have you met your mother? Apparently not. You're too busy enjoying the thirty second high you got from the scent of the beautiful new purse she got you to realize that SHE JUST TRIED TO BUY MORE TIME FROM YOU BY OFFERING YOU SOME MATERIAL BULLSHIT. Try this on for size: there is a reason why, mere moments after you get your "now be a good little girl" present from Mommy, you feel like shit again; and that's because no amount of material bullshit is going to fix any of this. "everyone text my mom happy birthday!!!!!" reeks of desperation to me. It was as if NSIL was desperate to reach the quota, so that her mother wouldn't turn around and blame her when the day turned out lousy 'cause she didn't get enough attention on the forty somethingnth anniversary of the day she graced earth with her presence. But really, that's what I see: NSIL is the girl who has had to bear the responsiblity of making sure that her NM gets all the accolades and attention and consideration and regard she requires. Talk about exhausting. And now that DH isn't in the picture, that entire responsiblity rests on NSIL. No wonder why she's pissed at him for "abandoning" her.

"ambien"
NSIL tweets a lot about drugs and alcohol, something she obviously uses as a panacea for all of her suffering: "hm, didnt know so many people took ambien" is just one of many comments I read about her where she either flat out declares how "schwasted" she is, or else just alludes to it. She talks ALOT about not being able to sleep, about using sedatives, smoking pot, and drinking. She may or may not be an alcoholic and she definitely drinks for the wrong reasons.

Bonus Thoughts from Jonsi
The following exchange is intriguing to me for at least one other reason not previously mentioned:
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more. they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks.
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya
And the intrigue lies mostly in the fact that it's the only time I've ever seen NSIL refer, even remotely, to DH's FOC. Her statement that "they changed their phone numbers" stands out to me because the "they" she refers to are DH and me, respectively. I think she wanted to think that "they" changed their numbers instead of "DH changed HIS number" because, while she's busy hating him for "walking out on her," she's also trying to pawn off the responsiblity on me. For taking him away from her, obviously. But here's the thing: At that time, the only number that had changed was DH's cell phone number. My cell phone number was still the same. Our email addresses were still the same. Our physical address was still the same. Our house number is (and continues to be) unchanged. We didn't change our numbers. DH changed his. But her very convenient choice of words made it sound more like DH had become completely unreachable...and it was really mostly Jonsi's fault. Furthermore, I find myself also pondering the idea that the responsiblity for contact lay completely on DH's shoulders. "When did you last hear from him?" is not a question that puts much responsiblity in NSIL's court, nor does her answer indicate that she was receptive to the idea of reaching out to him. Again, she makes it sound as though the fact that we changed our phone numbers made him completely unreachable. Even now though, we aren't unreachable. Call our house phone, bitch, if you're so "willing to do anything to get your brother back."

1 comment:

  1. MM is at best a cautionary tale-not a "Role Model." Not to mention she would be considered "too fat" by today's (sick) standards of anorexics with implants.
    This girl hates herself, has no sense of self. Adolescence is a time of Identity Formation: It's like concrete that's been poured, but not set up/hardened yet. She has no sense of Identity or Self other than what NMIL has inculcated and that screams "Appearances."
    It's a hurting place to be this girl. No one sees "her," no one "knows" her and NMIL assuages her deep hurt with a handbag. Love=A Designer Handbag. "My mommy loves me because she gave me this!"
    But it doesn't feel like love should because it isn't. Therefore there is something (more) "wrong with me, something more I'm lacking.
    But it can be remediated with a prescription. And par-taying.That's what I'm learning. I can't reach out to my brother because Mommy sez he's a Bad Boy and so is his wife, especially. If I call him I betray Mom.
    And Mom loves me. She gave me a handbag, she gives me a prescription pill, she tells me how excited I am about University. Mom knows who I am. She tells me HOW I FEEL.
    I don't (dare, go there, know I can.)
    But it hurts to be me.
    So I'm gonna get wasted and pretend I'm like all my friends.
    I am so lonely and scared and everyone else is more beautiful, cooler, skinner, more sophisticated than I am. I don't fit in here.
    But I'm gonna. Even if it kills me."
    TW

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