Wednesday, December 5, 2012

When The Truth Is Realized

Dear Friends,

I've had this post in the hopper for a while, been holding on to it because I wanted to do a little side-analysis, since I tend to feel kinship with my fellow "Evil" daughter-in-laws. We're a club, you know. I like to send up little flares every once in a while when I find one who looks to have been raked over the coals. This is one of 'em.

Date of Post: October 18, 2012 @ 6:57 PM
Thread Title: How did it go so wrong?

Although I my estrangement from my once loving and devoted son is over 2 years long, understanding the role that my daughter-in-law played/plays along with her mom has at least stopped the non-stop why's.  My tears still flow daily and my pain is unbearable, but after taking Dr. Coleman's teleconference on daughter in laws and son in laws, I was able to breathe again.  His conference described our family's past happiness and closeness and current estrangement and grief as if he knew us personally.  By the time he got to my question on the air, my question had already been answered in his lecture. My situation has only gotten worse for I am not able to see my new grandchild and I hear another is on the way, but I understand the nature of the beast (DIL) and the manipulation she has accomplished with my son.  I am not just a biased mom who thinks she had such a wonderful tenderhearted son ! I know I did because that is why she picked him. I am sending [fellow-forum-commenter] support and ((((HUGS)))) as you ache for the past closeness you once shared.  In time, I pray it will be even closer when the truth is realized.
- Jennifer

Oh, if only I had a dollar for every moment a narcissist claimed to be curled up in a ball weeping their little eyes out over their estranged sons and daughters. "My tears still flow daily and my pain is unbearable." You know, I don't know if I've ever used the word "unbearable" to describe any pain I've experienced in my life because it connotates a kind of suffering that seems unlivable. As in, when you feel it, you almost die. To me, unbearable pain would be having to witness the pain or suffering of my children, perhaps having to have a limb amputated without anesthesia, or maybe, I don't know, having every one of my internal organs simultaneously combust? But apparently, Jennifer's most unbearable moments come every single second of every single day while she's dehydrating herself from the amount of crocodile tears she forces out on a daily-basis during her constant battle for the ultimate state of control.

She describes her estranged adult son as a "once loving and devoted son" which annoys me and creeps me out simultaneously. I don't see a man who has married and started a family of his own as someone who was "once loving." I see him as a man who's love has expanded - clearly a concept no narcissist can ever understand, as a narcissist only has room for herself in her stagnant, unchanging circle of love. And I don't know man, devoted? Her son was devoted? To his mother? Like, what does that mean? What does that look like outside of the script? I have a really hard time imagining any healthy person being devoted to their parents beyond the age of say, five. And even then, devoted is not the phrase I would use to describe a child's love for his parents. So, if the poor guy really was devoted to his mommie, it's only because she twisted what was a natural bond into some sort of sick delusion.

"...but after taking Dr. Coleman's teleconference on daughter in laws and son in laws, I was able to breathe again." You know, it makes me question how "unbearable" all of Jennifer's pain was if a measly hour-long teleconference was enough to ease her troubled little mind. I've listened to that teleconference, by the way. In it, Dr. Coleman lists off all the things that narcissistic parents just LOVE to hear about the evil women their sons have chosen to marry: She's either mentally-disordered, came from a background of abuse, is manipulative and controlling, or else is just jealous of her MIL's relationship with her husband. None of it spoke to the DILs who really love their husbands, or who have politely requested for their in-laws to stop raping their boundaries. Nor did any of it speak to the expectation that these fucking parents haven't done one damn thing to look inward and assess their own responsibility for these estrangements. And I mean, why would it? You couldn't peddle THAT to a narcissist. They just want some guy with a degree and lots of followers to tell them they're RIGHT. So then they can go out and send shitty letters of phoney-amends to their sons and daughters.

"I understand the nature of the beast (DIL) and the manipulation she has accomplished with my son." Can we say "scripted?" (Props to Gladys!) Can we say, "Lady, if your son is so easily manipulated, who the fuck do you think raised him to be that way, eh?" Can we say, "Bitch, please. Step down. Take some fucking responsibility for the fact that you're in this mess because all you can do is whine on a forum about how the entire burden of your problems lies on your beastly-DIL's shoulders?" If this poor DIL is anything like me, she's just going to have to start wearing her Beast-crown with pride. I mean, whatever. Just because that's what her NMIL and followers see when they look at her, doesn't mean that's what's actually there. Jennifer's bullshit is projection, pure and simple. The nature of the beast isn't her son's wife, it's her own god-damned narcissism and refusal to take responsibility, and need for power and control. Fucking period.

"I am not just a biased mom who thinks she had such a wonderful tenderhearted son ! I know I did because that is why she picked him." Mmmhmm, oh yeah, you go girl, work it Jennifer. You just keep telling yourself (and all of your mindless followers) that your baby is coming home to you someday. Maybe, if you're lucky, he really will be "closer" to you than EVER before. You just keep fluffing those pillows on the other side of the bed, preparing for your son to come back home to you.

15 comments:

  1. Bwahahahaha. This post is awesome. I hate those Coleman followers. My parents tried to say my husband was fucking me up, and I was so irritated by the accusation. They told me I was stubborn and had too much a mind of my own, then when I married, I was suddenly pliable.

    These people can't smell their own shit stinking things up. Wear that beast queen crown with pride, my friend.

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  2. My mother told my second wife every thing she could make up about me until (or at least distort truth's) until she broke us up. As we reconciled she kept telling her off the wall crap and what ever flew into her head at the moment to cause trouble.
    After we got back together she now tells every one she (my S.O.)has poisoned me against her (my mother).
    I try to joke about these freaks but it really isn't funny.

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  3. "I don't see a man who has married and started a family of his own as someone who was "once loving." I see him as a man who's love has expanded - clearly a concept no narcissist can ever understand, as a narcissist only has room for herself in her stagnant, unchanging circle of love."

    NM told me couple of times that people (meaning, her) only have one unit of love, meaning love is finite. It explains why she identify so much with characters (real or fictional) that has to choose which of their children is going to survive, which child the parent will invest their finite resource on and which child they will give up on and be sacrificed, kicked to the street, or simply ignored. Later it would explain why NM hated SIL and demoted my sister from CG status. NM simply could not comprehend the idea that there is enough love for her too once Sis created more people in her family, instead NM interpret her loss of #1 priority status in Sis' life to mean she has been replaced in Sis' one unit of love.

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  4. A bit from Merriam-Webster online
    DEVOTED:
    1)feeling or showing love (as in a devoted couple who enjoy sharing their lives with one another);
    Syn: adoring, affectionate, fond, tender, tenderhearted;
    Related: caring, compassionate, doting, ardent, fervent, passionate, amorous, enamored, infatuated, lovey-dovey, romantic, sappy, brotherly, fatherly, motherly, sisterly.

    2)firm in one's allegiance to someone or something;
    Syn: constant, dedicated, devout, loyal, steady, true;
    Related: dutiful, reliable, unfaltering, unhesitating, unwavering

    ADORE:
    1)to feel passion, devotion, or tenderness for;
    Syn: cherish, worship;
    Related: adulate, canonize, deify, idealize, idolize, revere, dote on

    2)to love or admire too much (as in -adores her older sister so much that she cannot see her considerable faults);
    Syn: adulate, canonize, deify, dote on, hero-worship, worship;
    Related: appreciate, cherish, esteem, prize, treasure, value, fancy, favor, like, prefer, regard, hallow, respect, revere, venerate, approve, endorse, support.

    3) to offer honor or respect to (someone) as a divine power;
    Syn: deify, glorify, revere;
    Related: regard, respect, exalt, extol, laud, praise, delight, gratify, please, satisfy.

    I don't know. "Devoted" just doesn't sound like a healthy way to describe one's adult son regarding his relationship with his mother especially in light of her description of the she-beast manipulating her son. I have a feeling that most mothers like this would use words like "adore" or "doted-on" or "worshiped" if they didn't think it would give them away. But what do I know? I'm just a member of the Order of the Evil Daughters-in-law. ;) -J

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    1. Thank you, M'am! This is a most excellent contribution. No matter which definition she might have been referring to, I think it's safe to say their ALL creepy.

      Thank you, fellow EVIL Daughter-in-law, for uniting with me in the cause!

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    2. This all cracks me up because I think my 17 year old tolerates me. I think that's more normal than if he were devoted.

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    3. It would really look creepy and sexual if your 17 year old was "devoted" to you. And at 17, your lucky if they tolerate you at all! Congrats Vi, on having a normal relationship with your son.

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  5. Well, I think I need my beastly crown and E-DIL sash too!

    I think I may have told this story before, but once my NMIL was telling me about her dog and why she loved him so much. She said things like he always greeted her at the door, always was happy to see her, never gave her grief, never got upset with her....you know, was "devoted", unlike (as she was implying) her horrible children who clearly didn't "adore" her enough.
    She also told me once that her youngest son was a "good boy" because he called home EVERY DAY to report on what was going on in his life. Keep in mind, this son was in his mid-20s at the time. I thought, WTF, your qualification for being a good boy (and ew, good boy? at 25?) was almost solely based on his constant enmeshment with his mother.

    Great analysis, Jonsi. These people piss me off.

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  6. Jennifer is one creepy broad! Most of us want our kids to become independent human beings who go out a build their OWN lives. Even birds have enough brains to teach their young to fly then give them their freedom!

    When my cousin was still in touch with NGC he was told my NPs were just a confused little old couple who couldn't understand why I was so cruel. NM cries herself to sleep every night because I won't accept a daughter's responsibility.

    These whack jobs must spend all day watching soaps!

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  7. "I am not just a biased mom who thinks she had such a wonderful tenderhearted son ! I know I did because that is why she picked him."

    I don't doubt her son is "wonderful" and "tenderhearted" and that's why her DIL picked him, but if he's anything like my DH, I'm sure it's in spite of his mother, not because of her.

    My NMIL told DH about 3 years into our marriage that "a son is a son 'til he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life!" This came about after DH finally called his mom out for playing favorites with the grandkids. He flat out asked her why she never came around much and why she spent more time with her daughter's kids than ours, instead of dividing her time equally. And THAT was her response. Fast forward 16 years - nothing changed - and we've been NC with the bitch for a couple of years. What does she do now? Tells everyone she knows "there's always one son that distances himself from the family." WTF? She's such a twisted bitch! That's how these parents operate. They just twist the truth 'til it suits them. It's all a bunch of smoke and mirrors.
    ~DD

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    1. There really isn't anything they can't explain away, is there?

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    2. Sure doesn't seem like it. If it's something THEY'VE done, there are a million excuses.

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    3. And that's if they even fess up to it to begin with.

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  8. I disagree on one thing: I do think their pain is real and terrible. It comes up so often, from so many parents, and from so many studies of estranged parents--they really do hurt for years, weep, become so depressed that they can't leave their beds, consider suicide. The pain sounds a lot like what you go through when you're dumped by someone you're still in love with, right down to the obsessive rumination and the loss of perspective.

    BUT that doesn't mean that their kids are obliged to reconcile with them, or that they were good parents, or that they're not doing it to themselves. Some of the things people say on the parents' forums make my jaw drop. There are some sick, sick people in those communities. I don't mean to say that the parents' pain justifies anything they do or did. I'm just saying: The pain truly isn't a lie.

    (But apparently it hurts less than taking a good, long look at themselves...)

    Issendai

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    1. You make a good point Issendai - I have read in alot of my research that Ns are in fact able to feel emotion/empathy for themselves. (Of course, that's as far as it ever goes). So it very well could be that they do experience sadness at that level.

      I question how much of it is genuine because I don't really believe that all of it is - and the fact that they often broadcast it all over the place probably speaks to the fact that some of the times it is just croc tears and nothing more. But I don't doubt that they do feel - they just don't feel for anyone but themselves, which is as we all know, the problem.

      So I would say that SOME of the pain is real, in my opinion.

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