Monday, December 3, 2012

Unfinished Business

Guys, I'm feeling antsy. I've got tingling fingers and a sense of impending doom.

So, to combat that I'm going to be doing some analysis - Of NSIL's recent Hullaballo and other such narco-nonsense. And then, if there's time, I'll move on to analyzing the blogs of my friends, and offering up those vignettes concerning my childhood that I mentioned here. We have so much time and so little to do!

Strike that. Reverse it.

And I'm off. The very first thing I want to discuss is NSIL because, in spite of the data I've already offered, I still have more shit to get off my chest. If you're interested in the back story of most recent events, click here and here.

A very dear friend of mine recently pointed out how "[NSIL] is a puppet.  A balloon filled with the air of a narcissistic mother.  She is a a flying monkey, sent to seek and destroy with nothing of substance underneath...[as evidenced by her] fakeness, the photos in her juicy track suit, her obsessions with cars and parties and haircuts and dogs, while her world is crashing down...She is hurting your husband.  She pulls him away from your family.  She pushes on tender spots in him that makes him react involuntarily.  She is so sad and pathetic and hopeless.  It's like watching someone burn themselves alive...[She represents a] fucking horrible, nasty, god awful, fuck the world, make everything ridiculous, dramatic, theatrics,  sick world."

There is a certain element of poetry to the chaos of NSIL's world and I think my friend captured it well. I'm struck by a sort of hatred I feel is growing inside of me towards this girl that, ultimately, I don't know very well. My only experience with her has been a few in-person visits where she mostly played the part of "harmless wallflower;" a little bit of inside information from DH concerning the infrequent and mostly superficial conversations he had with her during the first eighteen months of our relationship; the few recent events that have taken place - namely, NSIL's attempted suicide and her correspondence with DH (and myself); and the blood she spills on a daily basis over the internet. She's had multiple opportunities to get to know me, but when her mother told her to piss on them, she did. So I suppose it sounds cheeky to say this but: I don't know anything about NSIL, except what I know about her. I guess the thing is that I don't really feel like I need "much" to know a lot about her. And, as my very wise friend pointed out too, there isn't actually all that much of the girl to have to know, since she's mostly just "a balloon filled with the air of [her] narcissistic mother."

So why do I feel I hate her? Because I'm tired of NMIL and her minions all subtly pointing fingers in every direction but the ones they're supposed to be pointing them in - NSIL is no exception. Because NSIL needs to be held accountable for what she has been doing and will probably continue to do - she's been putting on a show, a god-awful ridiculous show, in which she can try to gain the attention she's so pitifully desperate for by throwing her blacksheep brother under the bus and allowing herself to be bought, ironically enough by the one person she should be running from.

I believe her suicide attempt was little more than a ploy, evidenced by multiple attempts in her letter to DH to get him to think she "really really really did" mean to kill herself; as well as the too-convenient notion that an [oddly-unnamed] friend had "randomly" stopped by and saved her. It is also my own personal belief that people who really want to die DO. I just don't believe that anything gets in the way of a person who really wants to make sure they aren't going to be waking up or get saved "just in nick of time". In my opinion, the suicide attempt was a stalking horse: "[She] uses [her] folly like a stalking-horse, and under presentation of that [she] shoots [her] wit." (William Shakespeare, As You Like It) And you know, since it didn't accomplish anything that she apparently wanted it to accomplish, NSIL is off now, busily getting facials and weekend-long spa treatments, and sleeping late, and buying new shoes and shit with her Mommie.

And she does it all with a smile on her face, while tweeting about how much she still hates her life and everyone in it and everyone not in it and everyone she wishes would be in it as long as they were willing to cram themselves into the box her mommie made for all of them.

It doesn't seem to compute with her that she was interrupting our daughter's birthday party, or our Thanksgiving. It doesn't seem to compute that we spent weeks trying to get in contact with her.

On Friday, November 23, DH went to the post office and sent the entire packet (containing both of his letters, my letter, and the article of characteristics of narc mothers) to her current address via certified mail with return reciept. On Tuesday, November 27, the packet made it to her house and NMIL signed for it.

Guys. I just need to say that I count it as a motherfucking win in our pocket that NMIL read that shit. I have no doubts about that. NMIL getting that shit in her nasty little mits and not reading it/stealing it/possibly confiscating it before NSIL got it/lying about it/getting NSIL to cough it up? Ha. No dice. But here's the thing about NSIL and those letters: the bitch didn't even have the balls to use the opportunity she has been begging tweeting for over the last couple of years and communicate with her brother. DH extended the offer, opened up an email account to start up a dialog with her, or at the very least, give her an opportunity to tell him to fuck off, if she so chose. And what did she do? Not much more than throwing out more subtle fuck-yous on Twitter, which I'm still pretty sure she thinks we don't know about.

No doubt, she thinks her silence is some sort of revenge. She probably thinks it's the best way to do to DH what she imagines has been done to her. But the thing is that it just really makes her look like a coward and a con. She's spent all this time talking about how she "just wants to talk to her brother" and then attempted suicide as a ploy to "get him to come back" and then wrote him a letter in which she came pretty damn close to admitting she simply can't live without him (dim the lights and cue romantic violin solo) and when he finally reached out to her, she dropped that proposition faster than she drops her laxitive-induced shits.

Every time NSIL posts something on the internet, it's like she's slicing just a little bit deeper in the scars that are already there and keep getting deeper with every disturbingly-disillusioned minute. I've had ants in my pants to write this post for the past week and I keep finding more and more ammo there to use in my analysis. For now, or for as long as NMIL's politics allow NSIL to keep her tweets public, I keep recording them.

November 19, 2012
cant get rid of this sick-disgusted-"you make me wanna puke"-feeling

November 19, 2012
Getting out of this fucking town because everyone here is fake as fuck and dont know what being a friend is.

November 20, 2012
harhar youre a child

November 20, 2012
I am SO sassy right now

November 20, 2012
never too early for chistmas socks #sassy
[Pic of her sitting on a chair with her legs crossed. It's unclear whether she's wearing underwear, but certainly has no pants on].

November 20, 2012
SOO HAPPY
[Pic of herself and a "friend" making over-the-top smiley-faces. Ironically enough, the same photo wound up on NMIL's facebook page at the same time, with the caption: "Eatin some sush at [Restaurant] in [Town where they currently reside]!" and "SASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY!"] 

November 20, 2012
Retweet of one of her “best friends” tweets: Still in shock at the many fucked up events that have happened recently.

November 21, 2012
Holding a grudge requires way too much effort. I'd rather forget and be happy.

November 21, 2012
let [friend] help pierce my nose and drive my car. i am so gd nice today.

November 21, 2012
This is the first time I've ever felt confident like in my whole damn life

November 21, 2012
My past only brings me stress. I'm just looking forward to the future.

November 21, 2012
[Hometown police department] loves when [NSIL] does 50 in a 30. good thing me and [friend 2] are cute.

November 21, 2012
Mom asked why I only drink burnetts. Told her that's like asking me why I breathe.

November 21, 2012
I don't find it funny when people joke about girls complaining about their weight. Just because they look skinny doesn't mean they feel it.

November 21, 2012
By far, you are my biggest regret.

November 22, 2012
Too blessed to be stressed.

November 22, 2012
As if this wasnt hard enough

November 22, 2012
God do i hope karma is real

November 22, 2012
Trying so hard to stay but it feels like everyone and everything is dragging me back down.

November 23, 2012
feeling so crushed

November 23, 2012
Needa find me a sugar daddy before christmas SHOOT 

[On November 23, at 7:42 PM, we sent our anonymous text from Textem.net to her cell phone which read: It’s your brother – finally got your letter. Sent response in mail today. Check [email address] or FB messages.]

November 23, 2012 7:50 PM
Communicating with my brother for the first time in 2 years...

November 23, 2012 8:30 PM
juicy suits and ugg fur boots #princessprobs

November 23, 2012 9:15 PM
RT: "Do you know how many condoms I stole from the health center..." #ohhhhhh

November 23, 2012
"These are my drunk shoes....I've never worn em sober" OK

November 23, 2012
"You're [NSIL] 2.0!" HOLLA

November 23, 2012
[Some guy she knows] is the fucking funniest drunk person

November 23, 2012
Your girl is rated 'R' for Rachet

[First definition of the term “ratchet” I found on the internet: As an adjective, it describes a person or activity that is out of hand, out of control, or generally whack in some way. Raggedy, dirty or jagged; disgusting female]

November 24, 2012
Sadly people would much rather see you struggle or fail in life, than live peacefully and flourish. I choose 2 surround myself w/ love&peace

November 24, 2012
Best mom ever, surprise facial appointment

November 25, 2012
this party hoppin right now is RIDIC

November 25, 2012
Hurting people is not my thing.

November 25, 2012
How do people not feel disgusting when they constantly lie..... How do you do it?

November 25, 2012
My weight has never been this small since like 5th grade haha #chublife

November 25, 2012
i think tramp stamps are cute and i would totally get one despite the fact that they're called TRAMP stamp

November 25, 2012
Revenge tastes like candy

November 26, 2012
this is the calmest ive ever been in my life [smiley face] i was so gd crazy before

November 26, 2012
Mind in one place, heart in another.

November 26, 2012
GETTING MY JEEP BACK YESSSS!!! jeep for winter, maxima for every other season #hunter #wranglin #spoiledbrat

November 26, 2012
i cant wait to drive standard again tho

November 26, 2012
It is just so satisfying that you look worse than before and I look 100x better

November 26, 2012
I would so much rather be smart than pretty. There are so many stupid people in the world (especially [hometown])

November 27, 2012
I love when dumb people try to tweet smart things and totally fuck up all the spelling.. like bitch you STUPID

[November 27, 2012: received return reciept for our most recent attempt to contact NSIL, signed by NMIL.]

November 27, 2012
It is so strange to me that my brother is literally a different person completely..and evil and insane and I will never talk to again.

November 27, 2012
Writing a book so I can be famous duh

November 27, 2012
Shit talking hard at this GNO

[According to my research on this phrase the translation is: Girls Night Out]

November 27, 2012
I needa man with big muscles, a nice six pack, was in the army/navy for a little, can dance, and was a hot stripper...aka Channing Tatum

November 27, 2012
laying in my bed and the same question keeps floating around my mind. WTF was i thinking..?

November 27, 2012
My mind goes everywhere while I lay in bed

November 28, 2012 @ 8:30 AM
omg cannotttt wait to sleep again

November 28, 2012
apparently theres a website for all the naked pics sent in [hometown]?? WUTTTTT

November 28, 2012
Never expected that from you

November 28, 2012
Even angels have their wicked schemes And you take that to new extremes But you’ll always be my hero Even though you’ve lost your mind

November 28, 2012
How can you still affect me i dont get it

November 29, 2012
maybe ill just become a lesbian, i mean like life would be so much easier

November 29. 2012
#Cancer's don't treat people how we want to be treated. We treat them how they deserve to be treated. So y'all better act right.

November 29, 2012
"Some people see scars, and it is wounding they remember. To me, they are proof of the fact that there is healing."

November 29, 2012
Why is it that the weirdest people tend to be the nicest....?

November 29, 2012
I mean no offense or anything but i fucking hate you.

November 30, 2012
Pretty sure i take horse tranquilizers sooooo why cant i sleep WTFFFF

November 30, 2012
Before you add drama to someone else's life, consider the things they're already dealing with.

November 30, 2012
Friend: Sometimes I wanna kill myself as a fuck you to my ex "friends" for dropping me when I went through a hard time
NSIL: they arent worth it. no one is. youre worth it though. all those ppl are fucking assholes dont let them get to you girl

December 1, 2012
NSIL: Havent laughed that hard in soooo long
Exhibit A: love you babyy

December 1, 2012
Well, glad November is over..tough month

December 1, 2012
anddddd I LOVE DECEMBER AND CHRISTMAS AND SNOOWWWWW YEY

December 1, 2012 @ 10:30 AM
Off to the spa for the weekennddd

December 1, 2012 @ 12:50 PM
My mom is about buy a jacket made of alpaca fur hahaha

December 1, 2012 @ 9 PM
Wine & Dine

December 1, 2012 @ 11:30 PM
maybe you won the battle but i'll win the war

December 2, 2012
best dream of my whole mudda fuckin life

December 3, 2012
remember when you were a nice caring person? nope me either

December 3, 2012 @ 8:52 PM
you had potential to have a better life and be a better person but you fucked everything up. oh welllllll

So here's some food for thought about all of the absolutely horrifying bullshit she seems to vomit eternally on the internet.

1. Right now, she's pimping herself out. All it's gonna take is for some aspiring porn-director to see her sitting, all dejected-like on a street corner, before someone else is doing it for to her in some dark basement on the wrong end of a town far away from home. It's really too bad "Sassy" isn't so classy, 'cause instead of showing off her assets to just a few lucky dudes (or dudettes, since she apparently thinks it'd make her life so much easier to mack it with the ladies) she's probably going to wind up in the porn business getting chewed up and spit back out by an industry that eats little girls like her for breakfast. She's got what it takes, folks: Background of abuse? Check. Deep-seeded desire for attention and approval? Check. Daddy issues? Check. No self-esteem? Check. Oh-so-handy drug and alcohol addiction? Check. Nothing to lose? Check. Like I said, she's already pimping herself out. It's just the next step for her, really. She probably thinks she's being provocative with all her talk of switching teams and tramp-stamps and allusions to nudey-websites from her hometown, and pictures of her scantily-clad self. What she doesn't seem to realize is that she's playing in the big leagues in a world Mommie didn't prepare her for. If she wants to be disowned, being in porn would probably accomplish that, I don't think NMIL could handle that kind of hit to her image. But it would also be just about as self-destructive as it gets.

2. She's such a fucking hypocrite, tweeting shit like this: "Holding a grudge requires way too much effort. I'd rather forget and be happy" and then following it up with talk of revenge, and regrets, and shit-talking, and spouting off cliches about losing battles but ultimately winning entire wars. None of those topics indicate to me that she's "forgetting" anything, or that she's "looking forward to the future." Instead, I see someone who's still stuck on the past and always will be because she won't get the kind of amnesia she's looking for unless she puts herself into a permanent coma. Give her time and she might get there (with the help of some pretty strong drugs and or a more serious attempt on her life) but for now, she's just going to be stuck in the ever-revolving door of shit-sniffing.

3. Her preoccupation with images hasn't gone anywhere. No suprise. So much so that she's out there giving advice to other girls that must remind her of herself. "Don't kill yourself to seek revenge on people who aren't there for you," she spouts like some sort of fucked up fortune-cookie. "Choose life!" She's right that no one else is worth committing suicide over, but what I see in her endless abuse of truisims concerning life and death is the constant repetition of the pact she's already signed with the devil: the one that says she must tie up her own self-worth in those her mother has hand-selected for such a task. NSIL's repetition of these truths is robotic and scripted.

4. She tweeted: "Well, glad November is over...tough month" which is something a REAL person might say during highschool finals or after a particularly bad case of Mono, not after attempting suicide and winding up in a mental-health facility and disrupting many people's lives and finally hearing from a brother she hasn't seen or talked to in two years. But as we all know, NSIL isn't a REAL person - she's a balloon filled with the air of her narcissistic mother, bought with expensive day-trips and spa-treatments, allowed to rot in the stink of her own self-loathing, forced to smile for endless rounds of photo-ops through all the cruelty, and caste aside like a used blow-up doll once everyone has had their moment of fun.

Finally, I still can't help shake the feeling that most of her backhanded digs are aimed at my husband. And I have to admit I'm a little worried about that. Because if she really did just see all of this as a "battle" then it's only a matter of time before she initiates the next one.

The good news is: We aren't going to slip in her blood next time. The next time it reaches our door, we ain't opening it. Not even a crack.

4 comments:

  1. God. How old is she? It really doesn't matter.... all I can say is... wow. lol Now I kind of want to follow her just for the laughs on the crazy train. She sounds amusing in a psycho sort of way.... ;) Totally agree with you though, do not open that door even a crack! Actually bolt it shut and post signs on it that say 'beware: ape sh!t crazy person inside'.

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  2. I doubt NSIL ever saw the stuff that NMIL signed for but I also doubt that it would make a damn bit of difference if the self-centered, air-head DID see it!

    I used be a little sympathetic toward her..aw, she's just a kid and hasn't seen the light yet...not after this. She's just a manipulative little bitch!

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  3. I haven't made it all the way through the post, but I had to comment -- when I had suicidal thoughts all I could think of was how to do it to make it look like an accident. I didn't want anyone left behind questioning themselves.

    That doesn't make me noble or anything. Just that I agree with your statement about people who really want to die DO.

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  4. Sad to see things going down this way. Hoping your DH is seeing her for what she is and doesn't believe the crap about it being his fault. Take care and don't forget to breathe, don't hold your breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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