Friday, December 14, 2012

My Heart Aches

A few hours ago, there was a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut. It has been weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart since I first heard about it on the radio a few hours ago and I know it will take a long time for me to move on from it. I immediately called DH and told him. When I pulled into the driveway thirty seconds later and walked into the house, he was already watching the news.

I'm not going to go into great detail about the shooting here, as anyone who is interested in the horrible specifics can tune into the news or turn on the radio. My mother called me two minutes after I had gotten home and said, "There was a..." I cut her off mid-sentence and said, "I know Mom, we've already heard and we have the news on." And then I started crying and said, "Mom, I can't stop thinking about my children." This tragedy hits very close to home for us, both physically and emotionally. My heart physically aches for the people who have already lost their lives, for the many families who's lives will forever be altered because of this. I can't stop thinking about how this could happen anywhere, that we are not immune to violence and ugliness and bloodshed; that our children are not immune to it.

It is truly and completely the stuff of my worst nightmares.

There have been times when my children have gotten hurt and I've wanted to cry. There have been times when I only anticipated their pain and it has effected me emotionally. I imagined the children today, going about their regular schedules, creating art projects in preparation for the upcoming holidays, happy as only children know how to be. Innocent. And then the blood and the death, oh god. I heard one report that talked about how the police officers leading children out of the school asked them to hold each others' hands and close their eyes. They didn't want them to see the carnage. And I cried for them. I'm crying for them now. I keep writing lines and then erasing them because nothing I say seems right.

Sometimes, my kids are running around, and they're so joyful and alive, and then all of sudden one of them falls and gets hurt. And for some reason, there is something in those moments that pains me even more greatly than usual and I've never been able to put my finger on why: it's as though there is something worse about someone feeling pain in a moment that was otherwise peaceful and happy and joyful than there is when they see it coming. There's something terrible about not being able to brace ourselves, or those we love from pain. Or more than that, to shield them from it completely.

No parent should have to know the pain of their child's death. I would not wish this kind of tragedy on my worst enemies.

I believe that the details that are sure to make headlines over the next few days, weeks, and months will reveal Truths many people will not want to see or acknowledge. Truths about abuse and diseased minds and disordered thinking.

And I believe, too, that I must issue a warning: If any of DH's FOO or past seeks to use this tragedy as a reason or motivation to contact him, then they will be forfeiting any humanity I might ever have considered attributing to them. If they have ANY souls, the lot of them, they will stay FAR the fuck away from us. Now, more than ever.


  1. I want to write something, to say something, but words escape me...

    1. I was struggling to find the words. Still am. I don't think I conveyed even half of what I'm feeling. It's just heartbreaking.

    2. I went to that elementary school. I can't read about it. It's wrecking me at the moment.

  2. Jonsi,
    I'm following along here, too, and my heart is aching as well.
    All I can say is that I hope beyond hope that those families and individuals affected by this violence can find a way to heal, or at least to have some peace in the coming days.
    I'll be hugging my (almost grown-up) babies for an extra second tonight. It sounds like yours are more the cuddling ages: perhaps you can have a family movie in the pillow fort on the floor night and sneak some extra squeezes.

    Thinking of you and all the other good parents out there.


    1. Same here, Vanci. I'm so sorry that monsters are real and that sometimes, no matter what we do, we can't protect our loved ones from them.

  3. So tell me Evil doesn't exist in this world? Tell me it's somehow WRONG to call out Evil when it manifests itself? Tell me I'm NOT "PC"? Fuck that.
    I'm sitting here in tears.

  4. Here's the most Un-PC thing I can think of that most of us have either alluded to, or flat out said: the narcissists we deal with are NO less monstrous than the man who went into that school to murder innocent children. The only difference between that sociopath and ours is that ours don't always have the motivation to kill.

    Then again, some of them do. But whether they're killing souls or ending lives, they're all monsters, just the same.

  5. 'The only difference between that sociopath and ours is that ours don't always have the motivation to kill."

    Our sociopaths do possess the motivation to kill. And they kill continuously. They kill the mind and spirit of those who look to them for unconditional love without ever pulling one trigger.
    This is an epic tragedy. A tragedy of such proportions that we will always remember the date, time and place that we first heard the news.

    1. Creole Lace, I agree with you: "...whether they're killing souls or ending lives, they're all monsters, just the same."

      Soul-murder is such an ugly thing.

  6. I sat and cried as I read accounts from my daughter's perspective. She also proposed that people choose 26 acts of kindness or service dedicated to each person that lost their lives. I like the idea and hope others will choose to act kindly to family and people we encounter in our daily lives.
    I agree with TW. Once you meet evil you can never deny it exists. Fighting evil with love is the only sure answer I know.