Thursday, December 6, 2012

Love Is A Choice

I don't love everyone. Never claimed to. In fact, I think it's bullshit when I hear anyone claiming that we should "love" everyone. Mostly, I see it from a lot of hypocritical bible-thumping freaks - you know, the ones who take religion and molest it and mutilate it until they can wear it like a suit made of skin.

I can't love everyone and I don't want to. Take, for example, NSIL. I don't love her. I don't even like her. The idea that I could have loved her was lost a long time ago, when I realized that she had been gutted and stuffed so that NMIL could maneuver her like a marionette doll. Just as there isn't much there for me to hate, there isn't much there for me to love either.

And really, love is a choice. I don't have to put my love and faith in anyone who doesn't deserve it. I don't feel guilt over admitting that the people I love consist of a relatively small group. Anyone who claims to love everyone is either lying or selling something.

I choose to give love where I see fit, which does not mean that I am unempathetic, nor does it indicate that I am cruel. What it means is that I choose to be real all the time, with everyone. I choose not to pretend to love people who are meaningless to me; I choose not to confuse the maintenance of my personal boundaries with selfishness; I choose not to offer my hand to those who continue to slap it away; I choose not to be intimidated when anyone else comes along and says I should be loving THEIR way.

Beware of people who walk around claiming to love everyone. With narcissists, the proclamations generally look like this:

"What? You called me beautiful? THANK YOU SO MUCHHHHHH!!! I LOOOOOVEE YOUUUUUUUUU! XOXOXOXO [smiley face, smiley face]

When you see that shit, run. Run for the fucking hills and don't look back.


  1. I have a vague familiarity with the last quote. I think that is how NMIL expects me to react when she offers me her vague and shallow flattery.

    I still struggle with this: "I choose not to confuse the maintenance of my personal boundaries with selfishness." I can not shake that not being completely selfless, is selfish of me.

    I feel a respect for the humanity of every person. It is my responsibility to respect the rights of people by virture of them being my fellow human beings.

    But I do NOT feel I need to love everyone. Love is a sacred and precious gift. It's not something to be giving like a party gift.

    It's ironic, for me, that you wrote this post. I've actually been thinking about this a lot (and had a little post in mind too). I struggle so much with telling people I love them. I am VERY selective with whom I say this to.

  2. My NMIL has a very special belief system: My NMIL is not loved by anybody. The reason is that she is a special person, so special that nobody understands her. There are people that are loved but that is because they are likeable, they show interest in other people, they care about other people. My MIL doesn't like anybody so that is why nobody likes her. That is just the way it is. Life is just so easy for people who are not like her. She is a very special person and that's just the way it is.

  3. Love is just an empty word to folks like my NPs. It's a noun not a verb that requires some action.

    There's no law of the universe that says we HAVE to love, like or even tolerate people. Love is a choice. Love doesn't get turned on and off like a light bulb. Real love is a two way street, not my way or the highway. Narcs don't get it, or maybe they do, and that's why they envy what we have.

    This year's Xmas card has the usual written in it: "Love as always". Every card I've ever had from the NPs has this identical phrase.

    Yesterday, its true meaning really hit me. They love me just like they've always loved me and that will never change.

    1. HAHA I LOVE that phrase at the end of letters: "as always" - it is SO negative. So full of self pity and defeatism.

      "As always, as it always was, you Ungrateful Little Bastard, I'm getting along without YOU, thanks for nothing. My health is AS ALWAYS, thanks for not asking."

      So devoid of any real meaning or sentiment.

  4. Good post. I have been thinking about love alot lately. Mostly trying to feel it and understand it. I grew up with a NM and NF who never told me I was loved as a child. Never. When it became hip to tell everyone you loved them (when was that? it was like a movement) I had a hard time participating in it because I did not understand why you would tell people you didn't really know or were particularily close to that you loved them. Isn't love special and cherished? Not to be doled out to just anyone and everyone? How do I tell the people who are suppose to love me no matter what, yet never uttered the words, that I love them? I don't know. I'm still confused!
    My Nsis now proclaims her love for everyone in the family. Well, except me. So I have a hard time with the love-everybody people because their actions DO NOT match their words. How can you love someone in words, yet treat them like they are pond scum and invisible? During the battle with my Nsis and NM that lead to NC, I frequently heard from both of them "I love you but...". Sort of negates it, does it not. Isn't love all accepting, non judgemental, kind, empathetic, compassionate? Not coming out of the mouth of someone ripping you to shreds.
    I chuckle at your last paragraph because I do know lots of people like that. I just don't associate with them much anymore!

  5. Jonsi - I feel the same way about the word 'friend'. If I call someone my FRIEND, it means we are close in a way that I am not with most people. I would loan (give) money to a friend. I would bathe a friend who was ill. I would have them stay in my home, loan them my car, trust them. I have ONE such person in my life (not counting family and my son and my husband, etc).

    Most of the 'friendships' I have are aquaintences. Nice people, I enjoy hanging out at dinner or parties, talking and laughing and having fun. But the word 'friend' is especially dear to me, having had so few in my life.

    If I measure LOVe by what I feel for my son, for my husband - well then, that list is very short also. And includes no-one I am not A. related to, and B. married to.

  6. I think love is pretty simple, it is a verb. People who truly love someone let this know through their actions.

    1. EXACTLY! Even if they don't say if often, you FEEL loved by people who truly love you. It's like a quiet comfort within your soul. With narcs, you FEEL no love at all. And I guarantee if a narc is telling you they love you, they want something.

    2. That is what it is, beautifully said: 'it's like a quiet comfort within your soul'.

  7. I think this is their way to keep their fingers on every one's pulse. To always be monitoring the crowd so they can exploit people if the need comes up. Sort of like a verbal sonar.
    Always pinging and mirroring and testing the waters.

    1. Verbal sonar, I love this. Like bats. They can't "see" (hi Jonsi!) so they ping and test...

  8. Preach it girl! I couldn't agree more! I agree with you on the religion front, too. I consider myself a Christian and yet.. I know it's not up to me to ultimately love or forgive everyone. Sometimes it's just not humanly possible. I do not love my husband's family. I do not even like them. I can't love someone I don't even trust. I can't forgive someone who's not even sorry. It wasn't until I reached the 'I cannot love everyone' epiphany did I really begin to grow as a person. As long as abuse and manipulation is their choice, love is my choice and I choose to save that for those I actually care about! <3 Gracie

  9. I just wrote something to a guy I know about how much I dislike liking someone. I don't pander my love around. Not that I think what I've to offer is all that special. But I don't just give it away. When I care about someone, it's for good. For always.

  10. The avalanches of snail mail post NC (at least those I read-few, and only if the pattern changed) filled with all kinds of FOG, accusations, endless numerations of my "failings" and generally what a POS I was, am and will forever remain) always ended with "Love, Mom"
    The most interesting part? Essentially, they were the SAME PRE-NC! Those missives were case-studies in Projection. And why we stop participating in their Fantasy World: "I AM the King/Queen, and you damn Serfs better not EVER forget you are located here to worship at my Altar-Of-Parental Perfection."
    Yep. Kinda gave me a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling inside. (snort!) And confirmed my belief they don't change. We do. And leave them in the same ether as their "Air Kisses" and meaningless/mindless use of the word, "Love."