Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Estrangement Generally Follows

Oh looky here! Another nearly-estranged parent who thinks they've got it all figured out:

December 5, 2012 @ 12:09 PM
Signs of Estrangement For Dummies

I posted my experience and observations from the posters at Daily Strength, and they encouraged me to post here. (the process seems to take about 2 yrs). Maybe this can be helpful for those before they hit bottom.
First there are some snotty remarks, digs, undercurrents of contempt, which the parents wonder if the adult child is having a bad day or unhappy with their own lives.
Then they slowly start dropping out of the picture; sure they show up and call, but it's more out of obligation, and it's not much fun. More criticism, even about stupid things, like new furniture.
Parent is confused.
Then comes the out of the blue outbursts.
Then calls–and now emails & texts–aren't returned, gifts aren't acknowledged. When the parent asks about simple manners (like a thank you or get well card) the adult child responds with rage.
Parent is angry.
Then there are the perceived mentally ill behaviors we parents have exhibited and the mortally wounding things we supposedly have said, many of which arent even true.
Parent is hurt, but still thinks that there is a relationship, tries to make amends, heal the relationship, etc. Adult child responds with the announcement that the ties are broken and with contacting the police or Mounties, gets restraining order, returns gifts & letters unopened.
In my case, I was actually told how disposable I was, that there was nothing special about me or motherhood; times have changed. I was told that I had nothing to offer materially, emotionally, or intellectually.
So I presume estrangement is next?

Oh, I'm sorry. Actually, you got it wrong. The out of the blue outbursts come BEFORE the criticism about stupid things. And the adult child doesn't respond with an announcement that the ties are broken until AFTER they've called the police on you for showing up unannounced and uninvited at their door. 

But you got the title of the post just right: thank you for summing up just what kind of people believe this bullshit. And that part on the end is just sheer genius, because you are correct: after a lifetime of having shitty parents who refuse to do any sort of self-reflection while constantly demeaning and belittling their adult sons and daughters for expressing a desire to have boundaries, and after being talked down to, discarded and degraded after years of the adult child attempting to have a relationship with their FOO, and after being conned and manipulated and having their reputations smeared to any and all mutual acquaintances, and after having the entirety of their feelings be chalked up to a "bad day" or worse, a "bad year," and after being criticized and demeaned for showing up to their parent's parties and gatherings and daring NOT to have a good time, and after having their entire realities denied time and again, and after suffering the painful realization that their parent never gave a shit about them and probably never will, and after having every truth twisted, and after having to defend themselves the only way they can when they continue to be bombarded with communication from people they have requested no contact from, and after exhausting ALL fucking efforts to have a real dialog with their FOOs...then yes, estrangement generally follows.


  1. Do they realize that their claim is that they are the nicest, sweetest, most loving, caring, and giving parent, the world has ever seen, and their kids just told them to fuck off?
    For no reason at all.
    The post is dripping with dichotomy.
    It's like a guy saying that Cindy Crawford offered him sex but she has that little mole on her face and so he had to pass.
    I mean kinda sorta.
    As far as how unbelievable it is.
    There was a cash machine with no camera around spitting out twenties but I couldn't stay there and bag them up because I had to get to my job as a fry cook at Popeye's.
    It just doesn't fit.
    It's not real.
    It's lies.
    No one cares.
    So Shut the fuck up.

    1. Hahahahaha. Now that was fucking funny.

    2. Q, please stop making me laugh! My adult diapers are costing me a fortune!

  2. Dedicated to estranged parents every where.

  3. Q, I bow down to you. Mostly because you made me laugh so hard I fell down.

  4. "First there are some snotty remarks, digs, undercurrents of contempt, which the parents wonder if the adult child is having a bad day or unhappy with their own lives."

    Actually, first came the fact that the parent refused to respect boundaries. THEN there are some snotty remarks, digs, and undercurrents because being polite didn't accomplish anything. It escalated because said parent continued to be disrespectful.

    Parents make jokes about how their children ape them, and then get in a snit when they don't like what their children do. I can look back on all my nasty behavior and show you a mirror image of NM and EF, recently. The difference is that I know what I'm doing and I'm trying to change it, while they continue to accuse me of being horrible and wonder where I learned to be so disrespectful... Wake up!

    I haven't done anything I haven't seen them do, except hit them or called them stupid or told them they'll never marry or that no one could love them because they were fat or lied about what they've done...

    Thanks, q1605, your comment was definitely a laugh out loud.

  5. Jonsi poo,
    Yep, that's just right. That's exactly the way it went, Nmom. You were perfect and your child suddenly and with zero provocation turned evil. Yep.

    It's a story made for Disney.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Have you noticed that even the parents that have several kids that won't speak to them still claim it is all the kids fault and none of theirs?

    1. Yep. As far as I can tell, if they aren't estranged from all of their adult children, the one's they still have a relationship with are either drowning themselves in drugs/alcohol; suffer serious mental issues of their own; or else just have a shitty relationship with their 'rents. So even when they still have relationshits with the other kids, they explain the truth away there as well.

  7. You hit it Jonsi, they explain the truth away. They refuse to see their own behavior as anything but angelic.