Friday, November 23, 2012


Hello dear friends and readers,

On November 21, 2012, the day before Thanksgiving, DH received a letter in the mail from his NSIS. I will not be discussing it in this post but you can expect to see both my analysis and DH's in a few days time. I think there are a number of people in our community who might recognize their own narcissistic or otherwise emotionally unhealthy siblings in NSIL's letter to my husband.

For now, I wanted to share something from a book that DH and I have been reading: The Gift of Fear: And other Survival Signals That Protect us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. If you haven't already read the book, I highly recommend it. De Becker clearly conveys his message about how to read the signs that violence (either emotional or physical) is imminent, how to trust our own gut instincts, and how to protect ourselves and those we love. It's my belief that anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist would benefit from having this kind of self-awareness and self-confidence.

The chapter I'd like to share with you is entitled Persistence, Persistence. It's a bit of a long read, but I have not read a book yet that parallels in clarity or versatility in terms of how to deal with people who stalk us and threaten us with emotional violence:


  1. But! But what goddamn it?
    I was hanging on every word and wanted to hear the rest.
    Is this what it is like to be a woman with some guy mooning around all the time?
    I've had people in not that bad.
    I don't want to sound like a red neck Texan but somewhere around page 147 I would have told this guy we're headed to the parking lot and only one of us will be left standing and I really don't care which one of us it is, because either way you won't be fucking with me again.
    Sorry, I know this is about your husbands family and you can't beat them up.
    But homey don't play this Amway shit.
    Gawd this is a great post.
    But I have had to deal with so many fuck-tards sort of like this that I am all a flutter over here.

    1. Bah hahaha - I didn't feel the rest of the chapter was as important as the parts I included but if you want the rest of it, I can send it to you.

      And I know the feeling of wanting to take them out back to the playground to beat their heads in with a baseball bat. I think one of de Becker's Great Big Points is that doing that just leads to retaliatory moves if the fuckers manage to get back up again.

      And the other thing that bothered me was that this entire chapter was based on a scenario where one dude was stalking another dude that he had known for ten minutes. I mean, if the ratio is 6 months of stalking for every ten minutes you've had a relationship...then hot damn, we're in some fucking hot water man.

    2. 50 shades of bromance.

  2. Whoa. I needed this. Very interesting. I'm going to pick up this book. Thanks for posting. -J

    1. You're welcome my dear. Glad it helped you in some way.

  3. I love this book, will need to buy another because every time I loan one out it never comes back.

    Dealing with nonviolent stalkers and online trolls are the same - do nothing, do not respond or feed into their need for attention. "He would only stop when nobody tried to make him stop."

    I like the part about Mike throwing away the reference letter was the excuse Tommy needed to keep calling and harassing Mike. My NM used my autistic sister to martyr herself and verbally abuse my other sister the night before her wedding, until I stepped in to announce I had started the legal paperwork to become the legal guardian of my autistic sister, so mom, you don't have to worry anymore! You should have seen the look on NM's face, complete deflation. Couple years later NM tried to pick a fight with an acquaintance over pillows (of all things). Acquaintance knew my NM very well and promptly gave her the pillows without word and left. Again, the look on NM's face was deflation.

  4. Yeah Jonsi. Thanks for the offer but I'll be buying a copy for myself.

    1. :) That's good. I'd have had a lot of photocopying to do if you'd wanted me to send it to you. It's worth the money.

  5. "The Gift of Fear" and Gavin de Becker and his Risk Analysis Company IMO have saved more lives, salvaged more PD "messes" through their experience and objectivity than anything I've encountered including my own situation. I'm not surprised you received a communication from NSIL: It's "spun" by the Powers That Be and her own "stuff." NMIL and the rest of the "crew" (including NSIL) see ANY "Contact" as a toe-hold, a "ticket" to keep the Drama going.
    How DARE DH become an autonomous human being? How DARE he differentiate? ANY "contact" no matter how well intended will come back to bite you.
    And I'm sorry. As long as you engage in ANY way, the "game" (and that's about all it is in their world) just persists.
    Reading/Hearing needs to be done by someone(s) who have experience across a variety of settings and objectivity with N's/PD's in general: We don't, no matter how hard we'd like to believe we do. By responding in ANY way, we've taught them if they "contact" us in any way 100 times and we "respond" the 101st time, that's what they'll do. "Doing Nothing" or simply NOT "Responding" at all, ever, is actually a RESPONSE.
    That's all they (the NP's) need and you're now playing the "Escalation" game: Each situation is unique and the more people involved-Family, Ex's, kids, steps etc. involved, "the better" served the N's. You can NOT send these people "mixed messages" nor can you "pick and choose" among the amorphous mass of NFOO-lishness "members:" None of them are "safe" and your "intentions" will always be subsumed to their "WANTS."
    That's what Gavin de Becker and his colleagues taught me.

  6. Thanks Jonsi. Very interesting read.

  7. I still don't get how my NGC brother ordered me out of his life (which I was barely in at the time), saying I was triggering his seizures and when I complied with no contact whatsoever, he just couldn't let me go.

    He still continues to check out my blog at least twice a day!

    In retrospect, if I had realized from the get-go that my Anonymous Student was him, it would have been "radio silence" all the way. BUT IMO a narc will come back for a jab now and then regardless of what you do.

    1. My apologies Mulderfan - Somehow this comment got lost in my comments log and I missed it. I published it as soon as I saw it.

      And personally, I think you're right. I think narcs, especially the ones who were in our lives for any considerable length of time, will always come around every once and while (even after years of radio silence) just to see if you'll bite.

  8. Yep---the only way to "win" is not to play.