Friday, November 2, 2012

Red Right Hand

My dear friends and readers,

After an unexpected and unintended absence due to Hurricane Sandy, I am finally back. And with some newsworthy information to boot.  First, I need to make mention that I have several “items of housekeeping to address” (to quote my dear friend Upsi-Pants), which I will be dealing with in subsequent posts. Secondly, I again want to send my love to all of my friends who survived the Hurricane and to all of those who kept us in their thoughts and prayers during what was a, very serious for some, natural disaster.  And third, I would like to address the topic of this particular post by quickly backtracking to my thoughts on the day Hurricane Sandy hit us, when I was contemplating the possibility of NMIL and Co. using the storm as an excuse to contact or check up on us. You’ll remember that I spoke of NMIL’s attempts to contact us last year during Hurricane Irene, and I believe that she and her henchman have gone above and beyond last year’s attempts in the days following this most recent natural disaster.

At almost precisely 5:00 PM, on DD’s birthday just a few days ago, I heard a knock at the front door. I was sitting in an armchair in the living room (I’m so tempted to just write what I feel is a rather comical statement concerning what I was doing to make light of the fact that I was just sittin’ there, minding my own business in the privacy of my own living room; but I really just want to convey the point that I was in a rather delicate and completely unprepared position at the time this occurred) pumping breast milk. Yep. I was just watching my little ones, pumping breast milk, my lady parts in flagrante de-nip-to when I heard this knock at the front door.  

Now, DH and I had already talked about what our plan of action would be if we got yet another ridiculous bouquet of flowers from NMIL, or a card in the mail from EFIL and L; and I was not in a position to just get up and look through the peep hole. Expecting that it was another one of NMIL’s birthday flower deliveries, I called out, “Who is it?”

The male voice responded, “It’s [Male name].” I pondered for about 30 seconds, trying to figure out who “[Male name]” was. I ran through all of our neighbors and acquaintances and couldn’t come up with any persons having that name that we knew nor could I place the voice behind the door.

“[Male name] who?” I asked. I was still sitting down, desperately racking my brain to figure out who the hell was at our door.

“It’s [Male name] . Uh DH’s dad?” Came the response. Even then, it wasn’t clicking.

I put down my stuff, covered up, walked to the door, and looked through the peephole to see EFIL standing on our porch. I locked the deadbolt, thinking to myself that in that moment, I wanted him to know he was being firmly locked out. I looked through the peephole again. EFIL wasn’t looking at the door. His body was facing the door, but he was looking off to the left, where our kid’s jackets are hung. I’ve never seen evidence that shows he’s a particularly observant man, but while I was replaying this image through my head any number of times afterwards, I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d noticed the number of jacket s we had hanging there. Folks, there are three winter jackets hanging from the hooks in our front entryway, one of which is considerably smaller than DD’s and DS’s. If it were me, not only would I have noticed, but my thoughts would have been churning, big time. The last time we spoke with anyone from EFIL’s camp, there’d have only been two jackets hanging there.

I was unkempt and disheveled, with my boobs sadly reorganized into my bra, and my babies running around noisily. I was surprised. But I was not unprepared, and I was steeling myself for a fight.  I stated firmly, “EFIL. You need to leave.”

“What? Why?” He asked. I only partially believed the surprise in his voice.

I repeated again, “You need to leave.”

He said, “Why are you saying that? I just brought a birthday present for DD. Is [DH’s childhood nickname] home?”

I waited a couple of seconds before I spoke again, giving myself much-needed time to think and I realized that I had repeated my request that he leave one time too many, that he clearly wasn’t abiding by my request to exit the premise, and that it was time for action.  “You need to leave or I’m calling the police,” I said.  I stepped back from the door to get my phone. I heard him say, “Uhh. Okay. I’ll leave. Here’s your present.” He was off the porch, in his car, and driving away in seconds.  I tried to get to a window in time to see what kind of car he was driving and snag his license plate number, but he was already down the road by the time I got to the window where I’d have been able to see it.

During the showdown, which lasted mere minutes, I kept my children in my periphery. Mostly, they seemed uninterested in the man at the door. But right before EFIL exited the porch, DD asked me to pick her up. Her voice rose slightly to a higher pitch and she said, “Mama! I want to see him. I want to see Uncle Mickey.”  Uncle Mickey is one of my brothers and he happens to share the same first name as EFIL. I reassured her and said, “Oh, honey it’s not Uncle Mickey.” She seemed satisfied with that answer and didn’t ask any more questions. DS was largely uninterested in the stranger at the door during the entirety of the incident and just kept playing happily through the whole thing.

After a few minutes (and a phone call to DH) I herded the little ones to the family room and went back to see what package EFIL had left. On the porch was, indeed, a birthday bag, filled with a stuffed animal, tissue paper, and a card. I was most interested in the card. I scooted the bag up to our bedroom to investigate later, where the kid’s wouldn’t see it.

Before opening it, I took pictures of the bag and its contents. Then, I took pictures, as evidence, of the contents of the envelope:

Happy Birthday DD! We miss you and look forward to seeing you soon. We have started a savings acct for you. Love Grandpa EFIL and Grandma L
Top right: DD's name handwritten and spelled incorrectly
Enclosed was a copy of the deposit slip (pictured above) of the purported savings account for the amount of $50.00, which was apparently added to an original balance of $9.72. The money had been transferred from one account (the account number for which they blacked out) into the account indicated on October 31, 2012.

I’ve had several days now to ponder the possible motivations behind this unwanted visit from EFIL and the contents of the “gift” he left at our doorstep, as well as have multiple conversations with DH and my parents, and I’ve made quite a few deductions which have several critical points of analysis that I would like to share with you: 

- The timing of this invasion, in my opinion, was carefully arranged so that it would be situated between a major natural disaster and DD’s birthday. I’m not saying that NMIL had planned this out a year ago. But let’s just say that it likely suited her purposes well to have this potentially devastating storm hit her estranged son’s town when it did.  It is a possibility that the visit was organized by NMIL, who was partially using the Hurricane as a reason to “check up on us.” Don’t mistake that as a notion for genuine concern however because it probably wasn’t. There was far too much sneaking around and far too little honest dialog for me to believe that ANYONE from DH’s family had any real concerns for our wellbeing during the storm that recently bitch-slapped our quaint sea-side town. But I can just see it, dear friends: NMIL, calling up EFIL late one night before the storm, weeping about how she didn’t know if we were all alright and wouldn’t know if we’d make it through the hurricane safe and sound because she wasn’t allowed to contact DH and he probably wouldn’t let her know. And, you know, she doesn’t even know if her son still lives there or what is going on in their lives. And also, [sob sob weep weep] DD’s birthday was coming up and she just didn’t know what to do. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can imagine that image quite clearly in my mind. I’m pretty sure that’s why EFIL chose to hand-deliver this relatively small package to our house instead of shipping it to us. Showing up at our doorstep was merely a way of checking in to see: Did we still live there? Or excuse me, more importantly, did DH still live there? I suppose if we weren’t there anymore, they could have re-validated their deeply dysfunctional belief that DH isn’t answering their communications because he’s just not getting the message.

- I’ve got to hand it to them, they caught me off guard. I had anticipated cards and flowers. I had imagined a phone call, either at our house or DH’s work. I had worked out the plan of attack if a package was delivered. And I even knew that, sometime in the distant future, the red right hand of NMIL would be knocking at our door. Literally. I just had not anticipated it happening now, so soon. So I’ve got to give those fuckers props for catching me off guard. It’s not every day you catch a Jonsi without her wits (or her tits) tucked firmly about her. Which brings me to my next point: 

- There is little that’s creepier to me than an unannounced, unexpected, and above all, unwanted visit from an individual I had hoped to never see again. This man showing up at my house represented, in my opinion, the next stage of stalking. We’ve gone from bad, with almost monthly phone calls and/or emails from either NMIL or EFIL, to worse, with an inappropriate, unsolicited, and unwelcome in-person visit. EFIL has crossed a critical boundary by showing up to our house, what is supposed to be our safe zone. It’s our house, dude. Our space. Our home. Our fortress. Our stronghold. Our castle and our keep. And it’s fucking off-limits to anyone who wishes to destroy the people it houses and protects. And EFIL’s attitude while he was standing on the porch, invading our space, was one of a man who refuses to acknowledge even ONE damn thing about his part in our estrangement from him. It was one of a man who continues to feign ignorance of the rules we have asked him to respect. It was one of a man who continues to be a willing pawn in NMIL’s games. It was one of a man who is willing to use our daughter, a child that he doesn’t know now and didn’t ever know even when we were still actively making attempts to have a relationship with him, as a means to manipulate DH. His attitude was not one of a man who has used this estrangement for self-reflection; nor was it of a man who values a relationship with either DH or DH’s FOC. I find it loathsome that after all this time he would suddenly decide to show up at our door without being invited to present a gift to a child he knows nothing about. I am not fooled. I do not believe that he suddenly cares.  And I do not believe that our DD’s birthday meant anything more to him than an excuse to stalk us.

- In my estimation, EFIL and L's monetary "gift" is about two things and two things only: Power and Control. In previous years, they have sent DD and DS savings bonds for their birthdays and for Christmas. Personally, I don't think that the purchasing of bonds provided them with enough feeling of control, and the opening of a savings account to which neither the parents nor the child have any access to and which they are the sole administrators of, likely gives them the kind of leverage they were looking for. Throw in the fact that all they have done is attempt to bribe us by throwing imaginary money at our children, and you have a recipe for toxic parenting/grandparenting at it's finest. Their real message seems to be this: Happy Birthday, DD! Here's some money that you may or may not see at some undisclosed point in the future, which is contingent on whether or not your parents (and eventually, you) act according to our desires. If we're still trying to manipulate your father in 15-18 years, you'll definitely see the money we've promised here. If not, well, you can't win 'em all. Better luck next time. I can see their long-term plan in all of this, and in fact, I'm convinced they have one. They'll look like saints to all of their friends and family, for having the "forethought" to put money aside over the next few years for poor, poor DD and DS, who are being denied access to their oh-so-wuvving grandparents. (Reminds me of Life's rejects on Daily Strength. Same script, different actors). The thing is that, if they really wanted DD to have this money, they'd give it to her. And if they couldn't give it to her, or she was too young to handle it herself, they'd give it to her parents. I don't believe that these people actually think we'd ever steal our children's money. But I do believe that they probably walk around telling people they do. 

-Their casual mention of the certainty that they'll see DD "soon" just creeps me to the bone. It's time to present her Pre-School teachers with photos of the people who are to be labeled "dangerous" and "threatening" and to be reported to the police if they ever show their faces there.

- I have a current theory bubbling on the hearth that suggests that NMIL, who I am 100% certain was ultimately behind this, planned this out so precisely that she'll now be able to use EFIL's run-in with me as her main reason for not having to acknowledge DD's birthday. Don't get me wrong, guys, whether she sent something or not, I'd still think she's a fucking cunt, but my point is that while she's been going about the estrangement blatantly disregarding our order of NC, she's suddenly decided that now, for DD's birthday, she's going to "follow the rules." And boy, with the way EFIL was "treated," well, she sure isn't going to risk sending something to DD now right? After all, not only did DH ask her not to contact him, but gee, looksy what happened when EFIL did. Poor man just couldn't understand what he did wrong, right? So you see, I believe she calculated this particular move a while back: how to avoid having to acknowledge DD's birthday, how to make it appear to some that she's finally "playing by the rules," how to get someone else to "test the waters of NC" by showing up in person at our house. EFIL took one for team NMIL, and I'm betting she was the first person to hear about how that awfully mean bitch, Jonsi, threatened to call the police on him when all he was doing was dropping off a present for the granddaughter he hasn't been allowed to see in over a year. Folks, I would be surprised if you couldn't read the anger and disdain I feel for these people. I don't think it's a coincidence that, while NMIL has directly and obviously contacted DH multiple times since we've gone NC with her in April of 2011, she's chosen this particular moment in time to remain silent. She doesn't have to do the work. She just sends out her henchman to do it for her. Finally, I've been saying this for quite some time now: NMIL and Co. have, from the beginning, set up their own lose-lose situation here. Whether they do, or they don't, they lose. Whether they will, or they won't they lose. Whether they can, or they cain't, they lose. Because they aren't willing to do the hard work. They aren't willing to self-reflect. They aren't willing to take even one iota of responsibility. They aren't willing to stop making this about Power and Control. They aren't willing to stop disregarding our feelings and our needs. So they lose, every time, every way, no matter what they do.

- There was a part of me that wanted him to stay on our porch. I wanted to call the police on his lame ass. I wanted to get a paper trail started. I wanted a police officer to come and write up a report so that we could get records in the system for when the shit really hits the fan. Because folks, I think it's going to. I think this shit's about to turn really ugly. And I'm preparing myself for a huge fight.

Today, November 2, 2012, DH went in to work to find two messages on his work phone. He listened to them and called me. He transcribed them for me and recorded them:

November 1, 2012 @ 12:27 PM
Hi DH it's dad uhh I'm just calling to say hi, I haven't talked to you in a while, uhh the reason being, I don't have any phone numbers and emails and whatever. But uhh, and I wanted to let you know that umm I'm going to stop by your house tonight and drop off a present for DD, uh, it is her birthday, and uhh let you know that uhh I'm doing that, alright? I love youuuu and I wish that you would uhhh talk to me, alright bye.

November 1, 2012 @ 8:44 PM
Hi DH it's uh dad again, uhh I'm just calling to let you know that I did go over to your house tonight and uhh I did drop off a present for DD for her birthday um but I am going to tell you DH that I was treated very poorly, and there was no reason for it, I didn't do anything wrong to be treated that way DH. And I haven't done anything wrong to be treated that like that by you either as far as not talking to us for any reason. Please DH call me back and...and talk, okay? Alright, I love you and bye.

In the first message, EFIL said, "I haven't talked to you in a while...the reason being, I don't have any phone numbers and emails and whatever..." This is a lie. He has contacted DH multiple times over the course of the last year and a half, we just haven't responded. And he does have phone numbers and email addresses. They just aren't the correct ones because we don't want him to have them. If we wanted him to contact us, we wouldn't have changed them in the first place. Additionally, not only was this statement a lie, but it also represents some seriously delusional thinking on EFIL's part. Once again, I see a man who is operating on the bizarre assumption that DH must not be responding because he's not getting any of their messages. Even now, he refuses to grasp the rather simple concept that it isn't for lack of communication methods that DH isn't responding; DH isn't responding because he doesn't want to. Period.

Also in the first message, EFIL stated, "I'm going to stop by your house tonight." I find that to be ignorant and down-right rude. Even my parents, who are certainly about a bazillion times more welcome at our house than DH's parents will ever be, ASK to stop by. They don't drop by unannounced, they don't let themselves in or demand to be let in, they don't call and dictate to us when they will or will not be coming. And they don't re-write history so that they can feign innocence while standing on our front porch and telling us that they can't possibly understand why they aren't welcome in anymore.

Same message, he said: "...drop off a present for [DD] is her birthday." Translation: It's our grandchild's birthday, which we want to use in order to go on a recon mission to find out whether you still live at that house, and which you should see as an absolute reason to stop your little temper tantrum and start talking to us again. We have re-written history to suit our purposes and we are going to stalk you until or unless you legally stop us, or we decide that our unrelenting bids for your attention and loyalty is no longer worth our time.

In the second message, which was eerily spoken in the same exact tone of voice, EFIL said, "I am going to tell you, [DH] that I was treated very poorly, and there was no reason for it." There were plenty of reasons why he was asked to leave, he just refuses to consider, ponder, reflect-on, regard, or accept. And I completely disagree that he was treated poorly. If I launched poopy diapers at his face...well, then I'd agree that he'd been treated poorly. But being asked to leave multiple times before I finally had to threaten calling the police? Well that was downright charitable.

Same message: "I didn't do anything wrong." DH theorized that his father said that because, in that one second of that one moment, he felt he hadn't done anything wrong; and that, even if he was thinking about all of his past behaviors that have led us to the place we're in now, he still wouldn't have acknowledged any wrong-doing on his part. In fact, EFIL is so sure that he "didn't do anything wrong" that he says it twice. The man is really sticking to his guns on that. To him, it's indisputable fact.

This isn't the fact of love, my dear friends. This is the face of a monster, and it's just come knocking at our door.

And, what did I do with the contents of that gift and envelope, you might ask? I'm re-gifting the gift. It's a nice gift that someone will certainly enjoy. And the card with photocopied deposit slip? I ripped them up into pieces, put them in an envelope, labeled the envelope with EFIL and L's address, and sent it on it's way. They can send their message. And we can send ours. We've never officially gone NC with EFIL and L. That's coming soon.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Red Right Hand

Take a little walk to the edge of town
Go across the tracks
Where the viaduct looms,
like a bird of doom
As it shifts and cracks
Where secrets lie in the border fires,
in the humming wires
Hey man, you know
you're never coming back
Past the square, past the bridge,
past the mills, past the stacks
On a gathering storm comes
a tall handsome man
In a dusty black coat with
a red right hand

He'll wrap you in his arms,
tell you that you've been a good boy
He'll rekindle all the dreams
it took you a lifetime to destroy

He'll reach deep into the hole,
heal your shrinking soul
But there won't be a single
thing you can do
He's a god, he's a man,
he's a ghost, he's a guru
They're whispering his name
through this disappearing land
But hidden in his coat
is a red right hand

You ain't got no money?
He'll get you some
You ain't got no car? He'll get you one
You ain't got no self-respect,
you feel like an insect
Well don't you worry buddy,
cause here he comes
Through the ghettos and the barrio
and the bowery and the slum
A shadow is cast wherever he stands
Stacks of green paper in his
red right hand

(Organ solo)

You'll see him in your nightmares,
you'll see him in your dreams
He'll appear out of nowhere but
he ain't what he seems

You'll see him in your head,
on the TV screen
And hey buddy, I'm warning
you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god,
he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog
in his catastrophic plan
Designed and directed by
his red right hand


  1. All of this post creeped me out, but the worst is how goddamn much those voicemails sounded like the tone my father uses in voicemails to me.

    1. Crap. Maybe I should put a warning on the post to let people know there may be some serious triggers at the sound of his voice. His tone of voice in those messages got me too, Vi. It was the same in both, like no emotions were registering.

    2. It was educational to me, so no worries. Just a brief moment of feeling sick & wanting to toss my phone across the room.

  2. Jonsi dear,
    First, the happy. Welcome the fuck back, so glad that you and the family are safe and made it through. I missed your voice.

    Second, truly, from the bottom of my heart, I cannot imagine a more vulnerable position to be in. Home alone with the kiddos, dealing with the fall out of a major disaster, tits to the wind. Damn, you've got some stick together in your bones. Locking the deadbolt? Priceless.

    And then the creepy. I see this as an orchestrated assault by the advance party. I think that you are very, very wise to expect further attacks. I see clearly that they are still playing the 'DH is being held prisoner by Jonsi' game, as evidenced by the voicemails (look at how she treats us when you're not around and all we were trying to do was something nice! for our grandchild!) and particularly as evidenced by their showing up at your home (I'm assuming) at a time when it would be evident that DH is at work. As to his emotionless voice, if I understand your situation correctly, EFIL is really a minion, right? Automatons carrying out orders rarely feel much.

    You can bet that this was planned to the most minute detail. And can I just say that I am so fucking proud of you and your DH for the way that you handled it? You stood your ground, protected yourself, made your point and kept your children out of it. You and DH refuse to allow them to do anything but make your relationship with each other and your family stronger and I can't tell you how much I respect you for that. You're a rockstar. A rockstar with breast pump in hand. LOL.


    1. Fancy Vantsi Pantsy, I fucking missed you too! I feel so out of the loop now, I've got so much catch-up reading and post-writing to do.

      Down to business: I didn't mention this in my post, so I'm glad you brought it up - how they're obviously still playing the "See how bad Jonsi treats us when you're not around" game. Which is exactly what EFIL was doing when he sent (what amounts to) a secretive, undercover message to DH's voicemail at work. Like they're still hoping that they can corner him and that they'll keep their fucking secrets.

      Lock the deadbolt is right, man. Gotta nip that shit in the bud.

      On your theory that he showed up when DH would be at work - I think it's the opposite. I think he showed up when A) It was most convenient for him (on his way home from work) and B) When he thought DH WOULD be home - because we all know who the frilly gifts are actually meant to impress, and they've all probably got their panties in a twist about how "Jonsi probably destroyed it before DH even got home!"

      They're on this crazy, "Save DH from Jonsi" mission right now. Which just makes me laugh.

  3. Jonsi,
    Good point on the timing. That makes more sense.
    I came back because I realized that there was another point that I agreed with... and you're still here. Do you never sleep? :)

    I think you're spot on with the $$ being about power and control, and I've talked to so many people who've had this exact situation with Ngrandparents. Like you're going to suddenly stop holding reasonable boundaries in order to gain access to $50? Like your children's safety is worth, what 18 years of birthdays times $50... less than a grand? They're so stupid when they're trying to be sneaky. But of course, they can get their replacement Narc Supply by telling all their friends that they're 'saving money for the grandkids' college.' At a bargain rate, even! Pathetic.


    1. Vanci McPantsy, sleep? Who, me? [grin]

      I've seen this money tactic all over the place on estranged parents forums, blogs, and other resources. I think it's one of their go-to tactics and I consider it to be one of the "big ones" in terms of obvious (and particularly heinous) tactics of control and manipulation because it directly involves the children. I honestly think that, at some point, they think our kids will "come around" and "see that DH and I are wrong." Next, EFIL and L will tell us to just wait and see, because we're just teaching our kids to treat our parents in this way, and they'll just do the same to us. (Like I said, same script, right?) They haven't actually surprised me yet in terms of what they are willing to do to get to DH.

  4. I'm with Vanci. They want you to pimp your kids out for less than the preadult sum of less than a grand. All in an account they can keep for themselves later after a manufactured altercation to be generated on a whim later.

    1. Pimping out kids and hittin on babies. That's their Singing Telegram.

    2. q1605 says it dead right! That's exactly what will happen! Who needs that shit in their lives?

  5. EFIL knew EXACTLY what he was doing! IMO, Time for a name change. Creepy asshole NFIL!

    DH's parents are just like mine: Equal partners in a tag team, whose goal is to beat you guys to a pulp!

    They really expect you guys to hand over your little darling for $50 or any amount of money? Even creepier!

  6. The creepy inflectionless voice - my NF too. The I'm Coming To Your Home Now, without even asking - that as well. The I've Been Mistreated as a favored sentiment - check.

    I didn't know there was a third tiny winter coat there either! Congratulations!

    1. I figured now that EFIL has seen it, the cat's out of the bag. ;o)

    2. Man, you really do need to get the police there. I hope that if you do, that shame will be enough for them to cease.

      Damn, I deleted my last voicemails from my dad, otherwise I'd share them here for everyone to hear and compare how similar enablers sound.

      Although one thing that may just be me -- I didn't hear emotionless. I heard barely contained rage.

    3. I'm hoping that if they know we mean business about calling the police and getting the authorities involved, they will cease and desist. We all know they don't want to tarnish their "good" images.

      I can imagine your dad's voicemails. Because you're right, they probably all sound the same.

      Barely concealed rage? Interesting. Very interesting. I was sitting there wondering why he didn't sound obviously angry in the second voicemail and I attributed it to the fact that the second one came several hours after he came to our house. But concealed rage. That's a different story. And I think you're right. I just listened to the voicemail again. And it's there.

    4. In my last phone conversation my NF didn't even bother to control his rage.

      My cousin swears if you watch the old bastard out of the corner of your eye, NF's always boiling just below the surface no matter how light the conversation.

      These miserable fucks are full of rage and hate. Some hide it better than others!

    5. "Although one thing that may just be me -- I didn't hear emotionless. I heard barely contained rage."

      I said "inflectionless" on purpose - no real intonation, but the only emotion available to a male covert narcissist (rage over being offended) very possibly there, though never clearly expressed.

      My father sounds like this when he's offended but knows it would be bad form and socially unacceptable to sound angry. I wonder what and if he really feels much or if he's working himself up for the fun of it. I don't know if there's emotion, but there's no real intonation.

    6. I haven't been able to stop singing this in my head since I heard your EFIL's voicemail:

      "I've been mistreated, I've been abused.
      I've been struck downhearted, baby, I've been confused
      'cause I know, yes, I know I've been mistreated.
      Since my baby left me I've been losing my mind, you know I have."
      I've been mistreated and abused - my baby left me. You know, cause an adult not wanting to be in a relationship with you any longer equals abuse.

    7. My fave, written by Phil Everly and most famously sung by Linda Ronstadt:

      "I've been cheated, been mistreated
      When will I be loved?
      I've been put down, I've been pushed ‘round
      When will I be loved?"

  7. jonsi, You are amazing, really. You kept your plan together, recognized the "Recon Mission" for what it was and responded beautifully, IMO. I still feel ENFIL remains emotionally "married" to NMIL-not the S/M, L.
    Yep, yep, yep on the tactic of the money in an account over which THEY retain control. See? Documentary evidence for "their side" of how diligently they are "trying" to have a relationship with their "Beloved Grandkids" DESPITE their nasty-ass momma and their mindless, clueless, controlled-by-that-witch jonsi, "DS." The Kings and Queens of "multi-tasking" in terms of CYA AND pulling the Power and Control crap. Yes, your kids are for sale. (snort) In their world, EVERYTHING has a "price." They know the $$$ of everything, the value of nothing.
    OK, not to add to your concerns but I am gonna say, next step will be ambushing DH at work. Just sayin' although I know you and DH have a plan in place for that situation as well. Interesting how they "Don't get it" until they see you ARE gonna contact Law Enforcement-and THEN their "hearing" suddenly returns ;) (In my experience, that was the ONLY time I EVER saw Psychob turn tail and run.) I do believe EFIL continues in his role as the "Front Man" for NMIL and let's never loose sight of the reality she's run HIS life for years despite both the divorce and re-marriage of both.
    I'm so pleased to hear you're all well and safe and thanks to you and DH for checking in when you could.
    YOU WERE MISSED, Little One!

    1. And I missed all of you!

      I've already told DH - He's coming, man. I don't know when, give it a day, give it a month, give it a year, he's coming. He's going to try to get you alone, he's going to try to bully you into submission. He's coming to get you. Where I was 99% certain before, now I have no doubts.

      Annie, get your gun.

  8. Well well well, if it isn't the old "I have a present for your kid on their birthday" routine. You really paint quite a vivid picture, Jonsi - what with the creeping porch douche and your delightful mammary imagery, this was a figurative page turner. And then once I got to the fuckin voicemails, oh man, what the motha fuck daddio. Impressive DJ mix skills there, darlin, the song does really juxtapose the mister-roboto boundary busting going down.

    And of course he feels like he was treated poorly. He doesn't grasp that he is treating DH and his family poorly by showing up like that, so he's in some different reality landscape.

    I want to hope the storm is over, but we both know better. I look up to you. I want to be Jonsi when I grow up.

    1. That is a huge compliment, Upsi-Pants McGee. Huge. Because I look up to you too. You're like a big sister to me.

      The second coming is almost here. The rage is boiling. I can feel it.

  9. "DD, We miss you and look forward to seeing you soon" = Creeeepy! Sounds like a threat to me. I mean, you've been clear that you will protect your kids from them. That sentence totally creeps me out. I just don't understand how these people think that they are entitled to access/a relationship with grandchildren especially when there is NC or LC with the grandchildrens' parents. What universe do they live in? I'm glad you're going to give pictures of the crazies to your kid's school. Congrats on handling that so well. You kept it together during a surprise attack. I'm glad you weathered the storm well - both Storm Sandy and Storm NMIL. -J

    1. I took it as a threat. Maybe it wasn't meant to be so, but that's what I read. I feel like a mama bear protecting her cubs and I'm sharpening my fucking claws man. You know what happens when someone corners a mother bear who's protecting her cubs? That's what is going to happen if these people continue. And I don't care what names they think up to call me. All that matters is that they're coming after my loved ones and it ain't gonna fly with me.

      Always good to hear from you, J. I know you (sadly) know how this stuff feels. I was thinking of you during parts of this.

  10. Well. So glad you are back friend.

    This blows. I think with narcs, you've always got to expect the unexpected. They are tricky (although not particularly clever or original) little devils.

    I think you are spot on about NMIL choosing this moment to follow NC. That is pure bullshit. I've been trying to tell my DH that often, it's not about what someone DOES, but what they choose not to do.

    I hate the money thing too. That is so typical. All meant to create a show and for effect. I mean really, DD is very young, she's not reading that card. She has no clue what it would mean if even you read it to her. And if they want to save money for her, they can do that. No need to make a production of it (complete with "PROOF"). Blech. I hate how this people use the children in their crappy little games.

    1. A production - exactly, you've hit it! That's precisely what that was. I found it ridiculous that they included the bank slip. Like fine, whatever, you want to save money for your grandkids, great. Do what you gotta do. But there's no need to shove it down our throats. Unless of course, you're trying to make the same old point about who has the control in all of this. They want to have the upper hand. This is blood money, nothing more.

    2. Blood money.

      I hate that shit.

      (ps, it also brought the song from Jesus Christ Superstar to mind, although I believe it was Judas that sang that refrain. Poor poor Judas.)

      I did find that I still have my father's voicemails. I'm afraid to listen to them again, but if I do, I'll post them. Clearly, I kept them for some reason. I'm not generally a data storer, but I'm coming to think it's a better idea. Keeps me from doubting myself.

    3. I am definitely a data storer - I find it comes in handy for future reference. I'd be interested (in that creeped out sort of way) to hear the voicemails if you feel like posting them.

  11. So creepy, if it was on the up and up they would have mailed it.

    Q's Si

    1. Absolutely. That really drives my point about why I think they were using the whole thing as a way to check up on us.

    2. They mailed their shit last year for her birthday. No one came to our house to hand-deliver anything.

  12. I keep getting stuck on the bank receipt. The fact that there was a negligable amount transfered, and then added to. What was the small account in the first place? Did they happen to remember some random account, and in trying to decide what to do with it your NMIL came upon this brilliant plan? Why show the $9.72 transfer? It's just weird, but then the whole thing...

    It is almost funny to me that they don't believe you, Jonsi. That they do NOT believe you will go to the wall on this. Sure, they're aware of the POSSIBILITY, but they are counting on DH backing down, YOU backing down. Asking for DH at the door, as if dealing with you was going to be different than dealing with DH. You are all right - this is the advance guard, doing recon work. This is a battle I would like to watch, except that it's your real life.

    That bank slip just keeps nibbling at my brain. Why not just get one that shows the full balance, and not the transfer? I'm so suspicious of every little thing they do.

    1. Me too, my friend. The bank receipt rubbed me the wrong way as well. The crossing out of the bank account from which the transfer came (as though to say it was THEY who couldn't trust US); the odd amount already in the account; the fact that they included the slip at all, as though to show us proof of what they are doing. It's not a message for DD, she has no idea that any of this exists or what it means at this point. She's three. That bank slip was for us.

    2. Gladys that initial amount bothered me too. It just seemed so weird, like you said, some random account that they thought "ah ha!" we can use this. It all reeks of last minute manipulation and b.s.

  13. Jonsi,
    I’ve ceased being amazed by emotional vampires. I too am bothered by the receipt for various reasons. The first is that one cannot start something that is already in existence. Funds were transferred into an account with a previous balance. Second, they did not put DD’s name on this account. In order for DD’s name to be on a bank account they would have had to be in possession of her SSN. Banks do not simply add minors to accounts. A whole new account would have to open. Because DD is a minor the account would be classified as a LUTMA account. This is not a gift. It is an intention to give money (and we all know what intentions are like from NARCS). Any of these scenarios still leave them controlling the puppet strings.

    1. "The first is that one cannot start something that is already in existence." GREAT point. That observation basically proves that the whole savings account thing is a lie. And your points about the legitimacy of the savings account in general are also crucial. Thanks for your input. Right on.

  14. Yep. It IS exactly that.
    Now plea-suh, folks, just how stoopid do ya think we ARE? Nope, not quite that dumb and ya see, we NOTICE "details" like that.
    But you don't.
    And THAT is exactly your "un-doing" in everyday life: You always DID "miss" the details, the point, because you couldn't see beyond your OWN "Point."
    But we DID then, we DO now. Which serves to remind us how truly clueless you really are, were and will remain. Wish I could be more "optimistic" but a life-time of experience has taught me ignoring the details was my undoing.
    More importantly, it was YOUR'S.

  15. If they transferred ALL of the money from the first account, wouldn't that force-close that account? Which would make crossing out the acct number moot. There are much bigger fish to fry in your world right now, but this little recept detail is deviling me. I am sending lots of white light your way, I think your battles are about to escalate. Sorry to make you ride in my doom buggy.

    1. Gladys my dear, I could use all that white light you're sending. Working on a post right now - shit's not about to escalate. It is. They are ramping it up, big time.

  16. Wait I see, the little account already existed, they added $50 to it. Still weird.

    1. Exactly. And it was such an odd amount in that account, nine dollars and odd change, that the whole thing seems so contrived.

  17. Hi Jonsi, I have just discovered your blog after typing "narcissistic mother in law + natural disaster" into Google search. I want to tell you how deeply you speak to me. I am in a similiar situation in my life, & I am so impressed with your strength & the clarity with which you see the situation. You give me courage. M.Chercheur

    1. M., I'm both sorry and happy that you have found your way here. I am glad that you've found something to hold onto here. I wish you the best. This is not an easy path to be on.

      Hugs and warm regards,


  18. Thank you so much. A big difference between my situation & yours is that my DH is NOT on the same page with me, whereas yours is. Mine is still confused re: where his primary loyalty lies. Hurricane Sandy has brought the issue of my NC with NMIL to the forefront (only I have had NC, for 1 year now, when she finally crossed the line after disrespecting me for 22 years-- DH & our kids still see her occasionally) : DH wants to know why can't we take in NMIL since she has no electricity/heat----as if nothing has happened (DH has 2 sibs who also live locally).
    My jaw literally dropped open when I read your words " I didn't do anything wrong" because that is NMIL's favorite line to DH.
    I love the way you told EFIL to leave! This is what I have to learn how to do.
    I am guessing that you will be one of my teachers.

    1. M.,

      You are not alone. I know well the struggles that come up, the loyalty issues, the huge amount of strength it takes to keep taking the hits.

      In my opinion, if your husband is still seeing your N-Inlaws, but you are NC, then you're right, his primary loyalty does not lie with his FOC. That makes me sad and frustrated for you. If he won't stand with you, you can't stop standing up for yourself, that's for sure.

      I hope there is more information here that will help you. It's not easy, man. Don't I know it.

    2. MC, You are in a tough situation and have my sympathy. I'm right between you and Jonsi with the NMIL. I'm not NC, but DH has seen the light in a lot of respects, so we are working on it. But it's taken A LOT of work to get to the point where he didn't defend her at every turn.

      And not to make light of a horrible situation with the hurricane (I hope you and your family sustained little damage), but I found your keyword search of NMIL and natural disaster fitting. NMILs ARE natural disasters! I'm sorry you are dealing with a hurricane within a hurricane.

      Jonsi is a wealth of knowledge, who has taught me a lot. Stick around, read her back posts, I'll guarantee you'll learn a lot and gain some strength!

    3. jessie, you make me laugh. Yes, thank goodness we are fine & no damage to the house--2 trees fell on the property. No electricity/heat/hot water/stove for 6 days, but everything restored now. I just need to find some gas so I can drive to work tomorrow--none of the gas stations have gas. And, I hope the next storm on Wed. does not cause any damage.
      I am so happy for you that DH has seen the light to some degree. My DH & I have a lot of work to do, & I don't know if he will do it.
      I plan to read every word here, it is already helping me.

    4. Well, you gotta find the humor where you can. There isn't a lot of "funny" about narcs, so I take what I can get ;).

      Six days! I'm sorry to hear that, but glad things have been restored. The whole country is thinking about you guys. Hang in there.

      And good luck finding some gas.

      Oh, and have you found the 25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Mother's List? I can dig up a link for you if you need it. It's a long article, but I handed it to my DH and had him read it. That was one of the starting points for us in opening up a dialogue. And one other thing, being an ACoN is hard (as your DH is) so treading carefully (but purposefully) can help. I have a NM and a NMIL, and it's definitely no picnic, but it has helped me to have both perspectives.

  19. You're right----I for sure can't stop standing up for myself. But I battle with FOG. I have already started reading a lot of your other posts & links----very inspiring. Thanks again for the support.

    1. One way to help clear the FOG is to keep records. Of everything. Every conversation, every email, every letter, every detail. It's exhausting, but it's what I've always done and it's been a big help. Not to mention that keeping detailed records helps down the road when you need to provide evidence of the stuff they are pulling.

    2. OK, I think to start I will write down all the key things that I remember from the past 22 years up until now. Thanks. Matilda

  20. "It's time to present her Pre-School teachers with photos of the people who are to be labeled "dangerous" and "threatening" and to be reported to the police if they ever show their faces there."

    Isn't this a horrible thing to have to do? So sorry you're in the same boat. DH and I have also talked about doing this when the time comes. I am not looking forward to it. We caught enough flack from the police when we were looking for help with harrassment, because to them it just appeared like "a father looking to reconnect with his daughter". I can't wait to talk to my kid's teachers and try to explain why their grandparent is to be blacklisted from the school. UGH.

    1. It is terrible. I just had a conversation with DD's preschool teacher today, explaining the situation. I was brief, but I conveyed that these people are harmful and are not to come anywhere near our daughter, and that if they ever were to show up, she would have to immediately call the police. I've provided her with photos of them as well, to help her identify who they are. She said a couple of things that I really liked: "Do you have a restraining order against them?" and "I'm glad you told me, I need to know in order to protect all of my children."

      I used such language as "predators," "threatening," and "abusive" in my description of DH's parents.

      I'm sorry too that you are having to deal with this same issue, Grey. Better safe than sorry, of course. I wouldn't put it past them to do the worst things imaginable.