Monday, November 19, 2012

Perverse Antithetical Repugnance

Can you tell by the title how burned my biscuits are right now? They're nicely charred.

So [I need to discuss] NSIL's phony-ass mother fucking voicemail that she left on DH's work phone on November 4, 2012 at 10:38 PM. And then I'm going to follow it up with my analysis of her latest tweets, which I think sum up pretty nicely precisely what she thinks of DH, me, and DH's letters to her.

"Hi [DH]. Um, it's your sister. Something happened and I'm in the hospital. Uhh, mom doesn't know I'm calling you, but I'm not going to tell her anyway. Um and [pause] I just wanted to talk to you or let you know um [pause] I don't know. Okay. Bye."

When I initially heard her message, my first thought was that it was all a manipulation. Her father had showed up unannounced at our doorstep the day before, pounding on our door for admittance and refusing to leave, even after he had delivered the news that NSIL was in the hospital for attempting suicide. He didn't leave because, like everyone else from NMIL's camp, including NSIL, everyone just loves to point their fingers at DH. You know, because it's HIS fault that their family has fallen apart. It's HIS fault that his sister tried to commit suicide. It's HIS fault that everyone is sad and depressed and lonely and suffering and old and withered and worthless and angry and annoyed and confused and desperate and hurt and he is the ONLY ONE who can save them fix them put them back together rescue them make them happy. That's why J showed up at our front door and NSIL called him to "let him know" that "something had happened" and NMIL remains unusually quiet behind the scenes. Because it's all one big mother fucking manipulation and we just got OWNED.

Well, not completely. We DID know it was a possibility. And now some serious lessons have been learned for the future. With the holidays coming up, DH and I will be extra-vigilant about controlling our controllables and ignoring any narc-interference, and keeping records of any shit that might be flung at us. It's already being flung, amidst a plethora of superficial bullshit, by none other than NSIL - the girl DH wanted desperately to save.

If you're still with me after all of this bullshit and drama, I commend you. If you decide to peace out now, I don't blame you. Because what I see of NSIL online is a lot of nonsense and no intelligibility. I see what amounts to more passive-aggressive attacks on myself and DH. I think "I feel so bad for stupid people" and "You are so fucking fake" and "Where is your self respect?" and "I refuse to get pulled down by a certain someone AGAIN, who now has to be dropped" is all directed at DH. DH told me today, "I think one percent of me wants to believe that she's talking about her mother." But he knows she isn't. Because if she realized she needed to drop her mother, things would be different. Maybe not drastically different, and maybe not overnight. But something would have changed.

I find it laughable that she calls ANYONE fake, when she can't even go one hour without posting phoney smiley photos of herself, which she posts in between tweets expressing how angry and miserable she is. She tweeted "you are so fucking fake" just moments after posting a picture of herself grinning like the Cheshire Fucking Cat in the fucking bathroom mirror. Can you say creepy? When juxtaposed with the voicemail above, there are all sorts of contradictions spinning 'round and 'round. That smiley face don't match that sorrowful tune. Nor does it mask the anger and resentment, or the miserable contempt. Everything she tweeted is actually a glimpse of herself, if only she took a few minutes to look inside and realize that. Who is stupid? Um, not the person who escaped a dysfunctional family that would have kept him chained in the emotional cellar for the rest of his life. Who is fake? Who has no self-respect? Who is a bitch? I'd say, "Look in the mirror, NSIL," but she has been. All day. And she still doesn't see it.

She also doesn't see those things when she looks at her Mommy. Which is so absurd, because, hot damn, she's SO CLOSE to hitting the nail on the head with this one, if only she was looking at the right person: "I've been to the bottom and I refuse to get pulled down, no matter how many times I get hurt or how many people I have to drop." What she's saying is that a certain someone, whom she'll continue to passive-aggressively point fingers at all day long, pushed her down to the bottom some time ago, and that he's not gonna pull her down again. No matter how many times he hurts her. She's just gonna have to drop him.

Because somehow, in her world, it's DH who's dragging her down.


Well. That's something.

In one recent tweet, she calls some unnamed person a bitch, and I'm pretty sure that bitch is me. Though I could be wrong, and don't want to sit here attributing her passive-aggressive name-calling to myself unnecessarily. Just, call it a hunch. I am now one hundred percent certain she got the message, one hundred percent certain she isn't going to budge right now and will drown in her mother's narcissism, one hundred percent certain she is beyond our grasp, and one hundred percent certain we need to let her go. I really do wish her the best of luck. She's going to need a huge fucking dose of it.

NSIL? Good luck, man. Word to yo 'Motha. I'm out.


  1. It just occurred to me that your DH and I basically committed the same crime, even though we're a couple of generations apart!

    We both grew up, met and married someone we loved, created our own little family and started living life on our own terms. Meanwhile, we "destroyed" the lives of our NFOO who simply can't survive without our presence, not because they love us, but because they lost one of THEIR possessions.

    Fuck 'em!

    1. You're right, Mulderfan!

      Falling in love? Creating a family of your own? Breaking away from the dysfunction? Asking to be treated with love and respect?

      Gosh, you guys are such jerks! ;)

      The problem, of course, is that they see independence as a bad thing. The only kinds of relationships they want to have are the enmeshed, uncomfortable, abusive types.

      If that's what they want, they can have at it! Without us!

  2. Yeah. Stick a fork in her. She's done.
    In all the Barbarian cluster fuck, one thing I never bit on was any guilt trip any one tried to lay on me.
    Babe, you snuff it, it's between you and your god.

    1. "Babe, you snuff it, it's between you and your god."

      Oooh. I like that one. I'll just think it at NSIL, since I can't say it to her face. But damn, I would if I could.

  3. I come from a family where failed suicide attempts and threats of suicide attempts were definate forms of manipulation.

    I have met people that do this sort of manipulation to their family members and it makes me sick.

    I also have a friend or two that sincerely suffers from mood disorders, and that feels very much different. You can tell when someone is really hurting (trust your gut), and when someone is set upon hurting you by using themselves. (or other family members and seeking attention)

    Take care of yourselves, and shed responsibility that does not belong to you as best you can.

    1. Very sound advice, Winterskiprincess. Thank you.

  4. I'm having problems with my ISP so I hope this gets through.
    One more time....
    We're NOT the same people at 13 we are at ~18. We're NOT the same people we were at 18 by the time we're ~25. NSIL has a path to walk that is her OWN. NO ONE can "help her" but here's a few thoughts and experiences:
    You don't get yourself discharged from inpatient without OUTPATIENT appointments. That's follow-up and that's what's done. I have no doubt appointments with an outpatient T has been made for her. Whether or not she attends outpatient is up to her. And "Mommy-Dearest" of course.
    This is a road she will have to travel herself. If she does show up for outpatient, no doubt NMIL will be right there-as IN the session with the T. And NMIL will run circles around the T unless the T has experience with PD's. "Mental Health Professionals" are so called because they have certain "Credentials." That doesn't mean they're competent or have the necessary confidence as T's to tell "Mommy" to get lost. Politely. Or more than that as strongly as necessary.
    So appointments have been made.
    Please step aside. It's gonna take her time to find her way if she ever does. Time DOES matter. Her brain has not finished maturing. NMIL has played her "DD" well. They all do. Right now, NMIL is receiving all kinds of, "Oh, you POOR Momma! Your children...I/WE KNOW how HARD you've tried to be "there" for your kids...but 'cha know, (sigh) kids, they...." (insert what ever.)
    NMIL has spun her "DD's" situation to her cohorts as all about HER. Her "DD" is once again a source of "angst" (attention) for HER.
    DH's sister needs time and she'll either find her way or she won't. There's not ONE thing you or DH can or need to do but give it time and BACK AWAY from the drama. Really.
    Just my take. In the interest of full disclosure, I look at my life from 18 to 28 as "The Lost Decade." It was during that time in which I had to continually get hit upside the head, to acknowledge what Psychob was about, to acknowledge reality, to take steps to change my life. I wasn't ready before then and you all were not around, nor was the internet, self-help books etc. It would have ben waaay too painful to let it all in at once; a piece at a time was all I could deal with.
    Pushing reality before we're ready results in a backlash or further closing down and defensiveness. Please focus on your selves, your relationship and your family. IMO, that's where your energy and efforts need to be at this time in your lives. That doesn't mean you don't care-far from it. It means you release what you don't control, that others-no matter how screwed up-are allowed to think/feel as they do.
    And above all, to remember the end of this story has not been written. No one can write your's, no one can write her's. And YES, it WILL change, in ways you-or I-can not fathom at this time.

    1. It is definitely time to let the idea of helping NSIL go - unless she is willing and able to show major changes in her life, then there's just nothing we can do FOR or WITH her. It's disappointing to me because it all seems so unnecessary - the answers are out there, if only she was willing to look.

      But, like you said, we can't very well pry her eyes open and force her to look in the same direction we're looking. Attempting to do that would make us no better than her shitty parents. And that's just not my thing. If she ever does come to DH and says, "Hey man. I need some help. I want out of that family and I don't know what to do" THEN DH can offer her a little guidance. (I say "a little" because even if she changes, he still won't be able to give her all the answers she's looking for - because he can't give himself over to her, because she STILL wouldn't be trustworthy at that point, and because she needs to figure most of it out in her own way and at her own pace.)

      The fact of the matter is, she CAN think whatever she wants. She can do whatever she wants. She can live however she wants. We don't have to live WITH her if she chooses to live in a way that is incongruous to how we choose to live. And I really and truly do hope she makes it out - that she thrives in spite of what her NM has done, that someday maybe DH can have a friend who will know everything that he has gone through. I have some hope - Q's sister made it out. There are some who do. In my opinion, most don't make it out, especially the younger GC (and often BPD) siblings. I'll hold out hope for NSIL until I don't see any reason to. But in the meantime, I'm letting go of the idea of saving her.

  5. "We don't have to live with her.."
    EXACTLY. But my concern is the "WE." DH has to be on the same page and no doubt, this is a challenge for him. It means he has to recognize it's not his role to be the "White Knight" and it's not up to him to "save" his sister from herself.
    He can't. You can't. All of us (ACoNs as well as other traumatized human beings) have been down this road. We find our way out in our own time, in our own way. IF we do. And again, no one can do this for us. Support comes from those who are NOT physically/emotionally involved in any way, those who truly are detached. Others with an emotional involvement can't help for all kinds of reasons.
    Is it lonely? You bet. Is it painful? Yes. Sometimes beyond words. It hurts horribly to stand by and know you can't help, you can't "fix" this. Placate it? Sure. But that's all it is.
    In my older years I recognize all living things need autonomy: We're meant to grow, to differentiate, to find our own sunlight and allow the rain to shower down on us, whether it's a tsunami or a sun shower.
    Others may provide a raincoat or an umbrella. That's it. When we allow life to unfold and stop fighting WHAT IS as painful as it is, we learn about ourselves, what it means to be human and live in this world.
    But we have to do this ourselves. No matter how much we love another, we can not save them from themselves. No one could save "me" from "me" and it appears to be the same theme for other ACoNs from my observation, FWIW.
    I had a very difficult time getting my priorities in order. Selflessness is a wonderful quality. But like most paradigms, it fails when there are no boundaries regarding were I begin (am responsible) and where I end (not responsible.)
    Yeah, ouch. For me, it was a way of defocusing from my own stuff. I didn't make this choice consciously, it was just a continuation of what I had always done. It was natural for me to shield others, to give, give give. And I hope it made a difference in their lives.
    It did in mine. That was the up-side of selflessness. The downside is it fulfilled me BUT at what cost? It would never have occurred to me that my needs were being met as well as the "others."
    I knew no different. I didn't realize I was paying a helluva price. More importantly, I was NOT respecting the right of others to be who they are and who they could become and no, they didn't need my "Help." (Even at times when they asked for it.) What they really needed was room to figure it out for themselves and support. That's a world away from "Help." I learned that "Fixing It" no matter how well intended was the worst possible thing I could have done. I fostered dependence, not independence. I took what little if any confidence they had in themselves to be able to figure it out for themselves, to allow them the freedom and responsibility to chart their own course in life whether or not I agreed or would have done it their way.
    My "intention" was all good. But I deprived the other(s) what they needed to grow. And for that, I AM responsible. NO, this doesn't feel good: It feels like my best "intentions" were driven by my desire to fix and shield so they wouldn't feel the same pain I knew. The reality is there was a degree of selfishness, of hubris there as well.
    Which ultimately served neither me or the "other" well over the long haul.