Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Lockdown 2012

We have never officially gone No Contact with EFIL and L or J before. I considered us to be NC with J ever since we went NC with NMIL in April 2011 and I considered us to be NC with EFIL and L after they failed to respond to DH's letter in June 2011, but we have never actually sent them a message requesting that they cease and desist all contact with us. Until now.

Yesterday morning, DH sent, via Certified Mail of the U.S. Postal Service, and requesting a return receipt, letters to both EFIL & L and J. We feel that, in the likely case that we need to take legal action against either of these parties, it would be in our best interests to have evidence such as this that will stand up in court and act as proof that we have, in fact, asked these people to leave us alone. The letters were signed and dated by both DH and I and we have stapled our Postal Service Receipts to our own copies of the signed letters.

Both letters read: You are hereby notified that any attempts to contact us will result in further legal action. Do not attempt to contact us or our family for any reason at any time, at any location, in any way, using any means including but not limited to phone calls, written communication, emails, texts, communication via any third party, or in person. Failure to comply with this final request WILL result in further legal action. [Signed, Jonsi Jonsi and LSV]

And I really believe this was the best course of action. When the officer who came to our house during J's fist-pounding intrusion two days ago asked me if we had ever had to ask him not to come around before, I realized how important it was that we finally take that step. Previously, we had not done so because, in DH's response letter to his father last year, he was leaving the door open a crack for the possibility of communication. The problem was that EFIL and L failed to communicate in the way he needed. They completely disregarded DH's letter. And the whole premise of opening up that particular dialog with him had been to convey the idea that, if he wasn't willing to talk about the very real issues at hand, and take some fucking responsibility for his part in the relationship, then the Jonsi family would have nothing to do with him. It's all there, in DH's letter to his father.

So, it's time my dear friends and readers. Time to send the message to them, in no uncertain terms, that they are not welcome here anymore. Time to send the message that we will not stand for being stalked and harassed. Time to send the message that, if they aren't willing to take the time to self-reflect and to respect our boundaries, then we will not allow them access to ourselves any longer. Time to send the message, loud and clear, that we are done. The only reason they haven't figured that out yet on their own is because they aren't willing to regard our thoughts, feelings, or needs and never have been. So it's not any different when we say, "We need time. We need space. We need you to leave us alone." They just ignore, disregard, and sweep that under the rug, along with everything else that has happened over the course of the last three and half years and over the course of DH's entire life.

You may remember that I wrote in this post about how we shredded up the card and blood money that EFIL and L sent to DD for her birthday, put the pieces in an envelope, and mailed the whole mess back to them. Well, according to EFIL's voicemail on DH's work phone that he left at 6:30 PM on November 5, 2012, he had something to say on that matter. He also had something to say about DH's choice to ex-communicate himself from his FOO:

Hey DH, uh, that was pretty cool. I was always wondering how to get that uh, all that card and that…that paper into that envelope but you showed me how to do that, that’s pretty cool. Tear it up into little teeny pieces and stuff it in there. Listen, uh if you think that hurt my feelings, uh, it did a little bit, DH. But you know what, you could have just tore it up and thrown it away. To put it back in an envelope and mail it back to me? It cost you money to do that? I don’t know why you would do that.  Why didn’t you just tear it up and throw it away? Um I’m just going to let you know that, DH, I’m not gonna give up, uh, I am still going to try to get you to come back to this family because you’re not just going to throw us away like a piece of paper. Okay? Not going quietly into the night. Um, sooo, you know, just expect me to be around, okay? That’s the best I can tell you. Um, I love you and I’ll see you later. Bye.

I have to address two aspects of this voicemail, the first being EFIL's long rant about the birthday card we ripped up and sent back to him. He asks why DH did that, but I honestly think he knows why. We wanted to send them a message, just like they were sending us one. We wanted to tell them that we didn't want their blood money. We wanted them to know that we know what they are doing and we're saying, "No," to all of it. We wanted to show them exactly what we think of their unwelcome visits to our home and their attempts to manipulate us into doing what they want. EFIL says, "If you think it hurt my feelings, it did a little bit, DH." Maybe it did hurt his feelings, though I'm inclined to think even that's a lie because I find it hard to believe that anyone who is so set on hunting us down and beating us into submission could really be hurt that we evaded his manipulations. More than likely, saying it hurt his feelings was just his typical way of pulling on DH's heart strings. In DH's most recent post, he mentioned how guilty he felt just imagining his father feeling sad about my threat to call the police on him. DH wrote, "Another thing: I had to actively fight the immense surge of guilt I felt when my wife first told me about his visit and what happened.  I immediately pictured him sulking and crying on his way home, as was trained for me to do." EFIL's claims of "hurt feelings" are precisely why DH feels bad when he envisions saying no to his father. Because when does, his father sulks and tells him, "Well that hurts my feelings." And beyond that, the point of sending the card and it's contents back to EFIL and L had nothing to do with us wanting to hurt his feelings. That wasn't the point at all. The point was to tell them to fuck off.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it: Not only is EFIL's voicemail fucking ridiculous, but it's fucking abusive. Because that's what the whole "You can't shred up OUR birthday card/blood money and send them back to us" mentality is about: power, control, and guilt. EFIL says, "Why didn't you just tear it up and throw it away?" Which effectively means, "You don't get to say no, DH. You just have to take our shit. We get to dish it out, however, whenever, wherever. We get to shit all over you and your family, and you don't GET to tell us no." That's the portrait of abuse.

And all this? "I'm not gonna give up...I'm still gonna try to get you to come back to this family...you can't just throw us away...not gonna go quietly into the night...just expect me to be around."Well, thank you EFIL, for finally telling a little bit of the god-damned truth, which is: that you have, right from the start, been attempting to tear DH away from his FOC and "get him back," that you plan on stalking and harassing him, that you plan on trying to force him into having a relationship he doesn't want to have, that you'll never give up on abusing him.

He's nailing his own coffin shut, folks. One nail at a time. I can only imagine how he's going to respond when he gets our letter stating in no uncertain terms, that he is not to contact us ever again, in any way, shape, or form. I'm thinking that that barely concealed rage is finally going to push through the surface and he's going to get very, very ugly. We are prepared for the fallout of these letters. We know what we have to do. And we. will. do it.

**Title credit goes to Grey. [Grey, if you'd rather I remove the title and think of something else, I will. Just thought it was perfect when you wrote it recently in my last post.]


  1. Hell no, keep that title up! And welcome to the lockdown club. Sorry you have to be in the club too, but glad to see I'm not the only member... :-)

    1. It really was fitting. As soon as I read it, I was like, YES! This post didn't have a title yet, and it just fit perfectly. Thanks. Strong words from a strong gal.

  2. Good for you, Jonsi and her DH. I can't imagine it was easy. :-) I think you did the right thing. It's nice of you to share - gives me an idea of what I can expect on the path ahead.

    1. Thanks for the vote of confidence Quercus. :o)

  3. Jonsi,
    Or should I say, Oh Jonsi, Mighty Queen of the Paper Trail.

    Well done. :)

    1. Fancy Vanci Pantsy,

      You make me laugh.


      Jonsi Pants McGoogle

    2. Nice, I'm glad.
      My sense of humor (and other peoples' reminders of it) have pulled my ass out of the fire more times than I can count.

      Don't ever let them take your laugh from you.

      Fancy Pantsy Vanci, bo Bansi

    3. STOP IT banana fanna bo bansi, fee fi fo fancy AAAHHH!!! *runs from room waving hands in the air*

    4. Gah-ladys ladys bo badass!
      Nice of you to join the name-calilng party!


  4. "I'm not gonna give up....Just expect me to be around." Grrr... This is ridiculous. I'm sorry you guys are going through this, but I'm so impressed with how you are dealing with it. I really am. This has been several days in a row now that they've kept it up, hoping they can wear you down and drag you back into their toxicity - perhaps through sheer exhaustion. When DH and I lived near our narcs, especially the month of our big move away, they kept up an almost endless onslaught of crap coming from so many different places. It was so very exhausting. I feel for you. But you are doing great! Keep up that awesome paper trail. Keep cutting through the FOG with the truth. I'm cheering for you. -J [not that J, of course :)]

  5. Hear Hear! Jonsi and LSV - I am sort of shakey after that voicemail - because I hear what you hear. 'expect me to be around' - I posted the lyrics to Sting's 'every breath you take' and that song fits here to a T. He'll be stalking you, skulking in the parking lot at DH's work, in the bushes across the street - that's what he's saying.

    I can't imagine the emotions this is stiring up. But this is where all roads were leading, where your growth and newfound strengths will protect you. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourselves and your family. WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO.

  6. I got to say, I hate the saying "you hurt my feelings" because it really is an empty statement. It doesn't really convey anything except that the person "being hurt" feels you are in the wrong. It's not about communicating sadness or hurt, it's about making someone else feel badly. And really, I think his feelings are hurt that DH didn't fall for his b.s.
    And you know what I didn't hear in his voice mail, ANY concern at all for DH. There was not one single statement that said anything about wanting to work things out, or trying to come to an understanding, or wanting to understand DH's point of view. The only reference to DH had him being dragged kicking and screaming back to his "family". It was actually very creepy. It was like "BEWARE. You hurt my feelings and now you are going to pay if it's the last thing daddy does you insolent little child." Ick.

  7. Narc's could avoid so much bullshit if they would throw one lick of real effort into making even the smallest of changes to address whatever their problem is.
    But they won't. They'll drag the whole world down kicking and screaming with them, rather than devote one second to introspection and self correction.

  8. Un...be...fucking...lievable!!
    Not mention: Un...be...fucking...creepy!!

    The threat is not even implied. "Just expect me to be around." is a FULL-ON threat!

    Just like my NF, the asshole is digging his own grave and hammering nails into his own coffin. If we had any doubts the idiots did a great job of clearing those up for us while they pulverized any vestiges of guilt that might remain.

    DH should send the moron a thank you note for setting him free!

  9. Whoa, whoa, whoa baby.
    You did save that, I just know you did. BS. That's a throwing down the gauntlet of WAR, a Declaration of War if I've EVER heard one.
    OK, please tell ME: WHERE IS RECONCILIATION AS A "GOAL" HERE? Where is I love you, I wanna work this out, tell me what do you need-look, re-send me that letter, and I'll re-read it and reconsider your feelings, thoughts, words and really reflect on them.
    No. None of the above. It's Power and Control, unabashed. And THAT was the "Issue" from the get. Your AC's are NOT an "Extension" of YOU. They are NOT a "Possession." They are NOT being "Held Captive" or for sale at any price to anyone including YOU.
    And this is EXACTLY why I personally am so hard-core NC.
    You RAISE your kids to be independent, autonomous human beings in their OWN RIGHT. You do NOT "OWN" another human being. They do NOT "OWE" YOU a damn thing.
    NMIL, you're 2 fer 2. Just keep the shit up and both will be dead to you and the rest of your "EX"s/SOs/SOBs, the whole mess of NFOO-lishness one way or another.
    Wanna know if you're dealing with a Narc? Say "NO." To even the most innocuous request. And MEAN it. Doesn't matter if you're 2 or 102. You have absolutely NO clue how damn vested they are in keeping you subservient to them for the rest of your life in this world. The operative word is "Possession."
    That's ALL YOU ARE. By the "Possessed." You have all the utility of a curtain rod, a screw driver, any "tool" they can use to prop up their illusion. THEIR ILLUSION IS ALL THAT MATTERS. You DON'T.
    Fool yourself at your own peril.

  10. Oh holy fucking hell.

    I had a huge physical shiver listening to that voicemail.

    Sending positive vibes your way. You're gonna need them with these assholes.

  11. Right. Deep breath.

    I've been reading your blog for about a year and a half. I've agreed with you and supported you in your struggle.
    When I read that you had involved the police I thought, wow. That's a sea- change move.
    BUT, when I heard that man's sinister voice, at first sarcastic, then threatening to stalk you, because that's what he did, I FULLY understood what you have been going through!For the first time, I fully get it. Why would that man, and the rest of em, want a relationship with you, if that's how they are going to talk to you? You certainly wouldn't want it. He sounds like something from some horror movie. It was all of the arrogance and barely bridled aggression and the huge sense of entitlement that yes he would get DH back! Despite DH not wanting to come back?Hello! It's a free country! DH is no longer in diapers and even if he were he'd have rights, DID have rights but they were not recogised then, or even now.I have been reading your blog for months,I'd 'realised' but it's only now that I really,really SEE. xxxxx

  12. That barely contained rage came right out, didn't it.

    Still shivering.

  13. Pitstop: horror movie is right. The voicemail scared me. What is he threatening to do? Kidnap DH?

  14. Jonsi - I've had the song 'Life During Wartime' by the Talking Heads RUNNING through my head ever since you posted this.

    Hunker down, stay safe.

    Life During Wartime lyrics:

    Heard of a van that is loaded with weapons,
    Packed up and ready to go
    Heard of some gravesites, out by the highway,
    A place where nobody knows
    The sound of gunfire, off in the distance,
    I'm getting used to it now
    Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto,
    I've lived all over this town

    This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
    This ain't no fooling around
    No time for dancing, or lovey dovey,
    I ain't got time for that now

    Transmit the message, to the receiver,
    Hope for an answer some day
    I got three passports, a couple of visas,
    You don't even know my real name
    High on a hillside, the trucks are loading,
    Everything's ready to roll
    I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nightime,
    I might not ever get home

    This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
    This ain't no fooling around
    This ain't no mudd club, or c. b. g. b.,
    I ain't got time for that now
    Heard about houston? heard about detroit?
    Heard about pittsburgh, p. a.?
    You oughta know not to stand by the window
    Somebody might see you up there
    I got some groceries, some peant butter,
    To last a couple of days
    But I ain't got no speakers, ain't got no
    Heaphones, ain't got no records to play

    Why stay in college? why go to night school?
    Gonna be different this time
    Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard,
    I can't write nothing at all
    This ain't no party, this ain't no disco,
    This ain't no fooling around
    I'd like to kiss you, I'd love you hold you
    I ain't got no time for that now

    Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock,
    We blended with the crowd
    We got computer, we're tapping pohne lines,
    I know that ain't allowed
    We dress like students, we dress like housewives,
    Or in a suit and a tie
    I changed my hairstyle, so many times now,
    I don't know what I look like!
    You make me shiver, I feel so tender,
    We make a pretty good team
    Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving,
    You ought to get some sleep
    Get you instructions, follow directions,
    Then you should change your address
    Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day,
    Whatever you think is best
    Burned all my notebooks, what good are
    Notebooks? they won't help me survive
    My chest is aching, burns like a furnace,
    The burning keeps me alive
    Try to stay healthy, physical fitness,
    Don't want to catch no disease
    Try to be careful, don't take no chances,
    You better watch what you say

    1. PERFECT - and, thought I'd let you know - I'm working on my binder of documents and evidence for when the po-po comes knocking on our door at midnight because the N In-laws have told lies about us.

      I can see that happening. But you're so right - We can prepare for it.

      They ain't gonna know what hit 'em.

    2. Freaking AWESOME. There is such strenght behind not only truth, but FACTS. Verifiable, proveable, unbiased facts. You'll knock 'em down. (I mean't 'you'll knock 'em DEAD'. But I didn't SAY it.)

  15. Back in the day, there are a few times I so wish I had thought to call the police. In the state of FOG I was in, that solution would have NEVER occurred to me LOL.

    Hiding behind the couch did . Not answering the door or phone did. I could have cut this whole thing quite short with a little authority involved.

    Congradulations on taking that step and the steps you are continuing to take to protect your family.

  16. ^Aye, winterskiprincess, I didn't even have to THINK about calling the police. They were at my door beating it DOWN at all hours of the night at the onus of Psychob because she "hadn't HEARD from me" conducting a "Wellness Check."
    Within 2 months post my little 4 line, "No Contact" note. Yeah. I have to get up at the crack-ass of dawn for school and work and I have the police beating down my door when I'm exhausted beyond belief because I have to keep my GPA right around 4.0 to keep my scholarships and grants goin' so I can FINISH this part of the academic haul. And I'm 30+. It became like being on Parole: I'd check in with them once a week to let 'em know, "Hey, no reason to come over, thanks, I KNOW ya gotta do this, so I'll save YOU the trip and ME the pounding on my door to match the pounding of my heart, OK?" They were all good, but they had a job to do, yk?
    It was right around that time I developed unstable angina. I'd wake up from a dead-to-the-world sound sleep to someone stabbing me in the heart-that's what it felt like. With no external stimuli.
    Maybe Psychob had a voodoo-doll. Who knows.
    Where there is NO conscience, there are NO limits. Just think about the implications of that.....

  17. He sounds like he thinks he is using a no-nonsense voice to you guys, just as if it were you being guilty of nonsense, instead of himself and the rest of the foo. --quartz