Sunday, November 11, 2012

Getting A Life

Dear friends and readers, I recently got an anonymous comment on my Form Letter post that I did not publish when it came through because I wanted to have time to respond to it appropriately. Not only did it come through at a time when I did not have internet access -AND- on the coat tails of one very heated battle with Cal's Sis and her followers, but I also received it while DH and I were being bombarded with contact from the dark side here on the home-front. Needless to say, I was being hit with a lot and didn't have ample time or resources to contemplate this interesting note from a secret-admirer I (or a fellow-blogger and friend of mine) must have unknowingly picked up:

Get a life and stop judging people. Go to therapy because you're the one that sounds like a heartless bitch. If there are templates for resumes, and everything else under the sun - why is this considered "bad". At least she made the amends or tried. You sound extremely codependent and rigid. There is not 1 way to do everything. The courage it takes to actually make a step in the right direction.

All you people on here sitting around as "perfect" know it alls with GLARING emotional and mental disorders could refrain from criticizing and condemning and JUDGING. When you judge others...it's really because you're judging yourself.

I wish all the best for you on here - I too used to act like a victim and point and judge and criticize everyone...and my life sucked.

I can't imagine your is going too well.


For those of you who don't feel like clicking around to look at the post this comment was left on, here's my brief synopsis: "Form Letter" was the post in which I wrote about my discovery that NMIL's Letter of Amends to my husband was actually just a word-for-word copy of Dr. Coleman's form letter for how to write a letter of amends to an estranged adult child. Bearing that in mind along with the brilliant timing of the comment (considering that I didn't have access to the internet and it just sat there waiting for me, like a little ransom note, upon my return to the blogging world) and the uprising of odd anonymous comments on all of our blogs following Cal Sis's lunacy, I've still decided not to leave this comment hanging in the cyber-world void.

Assuming this person really meant the above comment, I would like to share my thoughts on it. [Note, I will mostly be referring to this anon as 'she' though I am in no way hinting towards my knowledge that anon is either male or female. It's simply for ease of reference].

- "Get a life and stop judging people." I'm always curious to know precisely what people mean when they utter the words, "Get a life," mostly because it seems to me that they just don't like the way I'm living mine and think it ought to look more like theirs. So, if what anon means by "get a life" is that I should model my behaviors after her own "non-judgmental" ones, well then she's just shot herself in the foot. Because I'm pretty sure that throwing around phrases like, "...you're the one who sounds like a heartless bitch" and "You sound extremely co-dependent and rigid" and "All you people sitting around here as 'perfect' knowitalls..." while simultaneously claiming that you have since moved on from your own "judgmental" days is pretty much a load of hypocritical bullshit. As with other comments I've seen in this particular flavor, I read it like a joke because it's hard for me to imagine anyone delivering such bigotry without choking on it.

- In the case that it isn't a joke and that anon doesn't simply have a personal war against me or any of my blog friends (which is entirely possible), I will offer my answer as to why a form letter to your estranged adult child is "bad" in comparison to the use of a template for resumes: A resume is shaped by the nature of it's purpose; and it's purpose is to help the writer get a job. A resume offers facts and is meant to present an emotionless and precise depiction of the person writing it. In contrast, a letter of amends is supposed to offer sincere, genuine, and heart-felt emotion. It too should be shaped by the nature of it's purpose; which is meant to be a presentation of one person's remorse, apology, and plan of action to correct past wrongs done to it's recipient. In my opinion, the use of a form letter to offer an apology is nothing more than a disingenuous ploy to lull one's target into a false sense of trust; particularly when the sender can't even be bothered to follow through on the words of her own damn form letter. By copying down the form, the sender of a form letter is, in fact, making yet another unspoken promise that she subscribes to the words therein, and that she will ultimately follow-through on them. Form letter or not, NMIL's letter of amends to DH failed to accomplish such a task. In it, she wrote, "...if you believe it is in your best interest [for me not to see you or your family or have a relationship with you], then i respect that." This emailed letter of amends was sent to DH over a year ago, and yet NMIL did NOTHING to show that she respected his desire not to see or hear from her, or to opt out of having a relationship with her. Beyond that, the email was sent just a few months after DH asked her NOT TO CONTACT HIM, proving that her use of such a letter was nothing more than a scam from the start.

- "At least she made the amends or tried." I don't consider copying down a form letter to be indicative of effort. Anyone could have written those words, it would have taken a strong and honest person to follow through on them.

- "There is not 1 way to do everything." I am unsure of what anon is referring to here, and therefore can not address it as thoroughly as I'd like. For example, is he or she asserting that I believe there is only one way to do everything? Is he or she asserting that I believe there is only MY way of doing everything? To my knowledge, I have not claimed here on my blog that there is only ever one way to do things, but I will stand by my opinion that writing a form letter to offer an insincere apology and refusing to even follow the rules stated in the form IS the wrong way to go about saying sorry. Likewise, NMIL taking the two minutes it took to send her email of fake amendment was not a brave thing to do at all. It doesn't take courage to lie. It doesn't take courage to bully someone. And it doesn't take courage to disregard someone's request to be left alone. It takes dishonesty, a deep-seeded need for control, and malintent to do those things. No, anon. COURAGE is not necessary to send a fake letter of amends. COURAGE is what it takes to walk away from one.

- See definition of codependent: Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent." I leave it up to my readership to decide for themselves, when comparing this definition to the entirety of my blog, as well as the blogs of the rest of my community, whether or not this is an accurate label.

- I do wonder if this comment was left by an individual who has a personal vendetta against me and my "perfect" friends who all apparently have "GLARING" emotional and mental disorders. It was the only comment like it that I got over my several-day absence and it simply has the flavor of resentment. But, even if it isn't personal, it sure is filled with lots of vitriol that's aimed at a whole lot of unnamed persons. As always, I question who else this insult was meant for, because it certainly wasn't aimed at just one individual. It is my opinion that between myself and others in our community, most of us do not have glaring mental and emotional disorders, though we could all benefit from therapy and many of us have at some point or another in our lives and will probably do so again in the future.

- Perhaps the funniest thing about anon's comment, to me, is that while she's claiming we are the ones who are judgmental, the entirety of her comment is nothing but nasty judgments. Anon says, "I too used to act like a victim and point and judge and criticize everyone...and my life sucked." All I have to say in response to that is: Anon? Apparently your life must still suck. Peace out.

20 comments:

  1. That's our fiery anon, alright.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rabid, deranged, nasty, and hypocritical? Yup. Sounds about right.

      Delete
  2. Your analysis especially the ending paragraph is spot on. Sorry to hear this landed in your email right when so much other junk was on your plate. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
    I am one of the ones that have 'glaring' mental health issues. I have never denied it and I am in counseling for a very long time. What I appreciate about your writing is you're willing to analyze and view from different perspectives. I can agree with you or not as I see fit. I also can read your blog or not as I also see fit. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. [[Ruth]] I think one of the most amazing things is that you are willing and able to admit that you have mental health issues and that you are also actively working to help yourself deal with them in a healthy way. And also that, just because you may be dealing with mental health issues, does NOT mean that you are here to criticize, judge, or demean others. The two do not always go hand-in-hand.

      I try hard to see things from all perspectives - even the perspectives of people I disagree with, or perspectives that aren't the same as mine.

      As always, thank you for your insight and input.

      Delete
  3. Well, the majority of ACoNs who have estranged from their narcissistic FOO actually DO have lives - families and friends they have authentic feelings for and jobs, interests and hobbies - and it is these lives that they're trying to PROTECT from the narcissistic parents. Analysis and understanding are part of this effort.

    The narcissists, on the other hand, are those who don't have lives. They don't have people in their lives who they have authentic relationships with and have a great need to reel in their adult children as steady, captive, obligated sources of supply.

    If we all have GLARING emotional problems here, why should anyone bother fooling us with form letters in order to have a fake relationship with us? These lovely parents should not have bothered and taken that huge, brave step of sending a form letter. They should have said "Good riddance."

    I'd be willing to bet our anon is an estranged parent who is angry that the form letter has been busted and her estranged child can now easily google an analysis of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I concur! I too think it's a bitter, estranged person. I'm not ruling out an estranged SIL, though.

      I will still NEVER understand why they are so 'heartbroken' over losing their adult children/relatives with 'GLARING emotional problems'!

      Lady MacBeth, anyone? Doth protest too much, methinks!

      P.A. is so clever. They really must have a great need for their adult children, because their lives are so wretchedly empty. Gee, I wonder why.

      Sending messages like this only goes to show what their motives are - to hurt other people. Not exactly a top-ten tip for "How to Win Friends"! ;-)

      Sorry to read this Jonsi. Hopefully it's at least a diversion from the FOO-crap of late.

      Delete
    2. Hi Quercus,

      I tend to see these kinds of comments as a great chance to do some analysis. In that way, it does provide a bit of a diversion from the narc-attacks in the offline world.

      And this is so on point: "Sending messages like this only goes to show what their motives are - to hurt other people." Exactly. They mask their nastiness behind poorly-worded insults. They try to sound sly and make it look to outsiders like they care, but it's actually really obvious how nasty they are.

      Delete
  4. Geeze Louise, isn't this anon judging?:
    "All you people on here sitting around as "perfect" know it alls with GLARING emotional and mental disorders could refrain from criticizing and condemning and JUDGING. When you judge others...it's really because you're judging yourself".
    Projecting much?

    Q's Sis

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wait. This person buried her vitriol in a damn near ancient post of yours? That's just sneaky. Stupid sneaky but still sneaky.

    Fucking narcs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh and another thing.

    My GLARING problems stare me in the face every god damn day. I try to make sure they don't GLARE at anyone else. And when my issues start to encroach on anyone else, I fucking apologize.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love how these anons capitalize key words like they're screaming and blasting you with them, in this case GLARING. Patterns always catch my attention.

    lol
    Q's Sis

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That had me laughing too. All I could picture is some sort of Klingon death GLARE.

      Delete
    2. Klingon Death Glare, good one! :P

      Q's Sis

      Delete
  8. 'Get a life' sounds a lot like 'at the end of the day' and my other favorite, 'it is what it is'. Bumper sticker psychology. 'keep on keepin' on'.

    I decided if I ever DO reach Cool Kid Status and get an anonymous troll for MY VERY OWN, SANTA PLEASE?? I'm going to ruthlessly publish I.P. addresses and any other info I can dig up on the person. Swift and terrible will be my sword, lol. I guess these people don't understant that they aren't really anonymous. For $40, Intelius can tell me just about EVERYTHING I need to know about someone including phone numbers, place of employment, marital status... I'm not a wizard on the interwebz by any means, but this stuff is RUDIMENTARY. This Cloak of Invisibility <--I don't think that word means what you think in means...

    (Random CAPITALIZATION for humor. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHA - I'm sure Upsi has a few trolls she can spare. In all the time I've been blogging, I've only ever had a few. She gets a few new ones every month, it seems.

      Publishing I.P. addresses? HMMMMM. That's in-ter-esting.

      You know, I have a magnet on my fridge (just got it!) that says: "Inconceivable!" <--You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. Best movie, Gladys. Definitely top 25.

      Delete
    2. Oh, Jonsi, a lovely Princess Bride reference. I knew were are friends for a reason! You've made my morning.

      Delete
    3. Anyone who is a fan of Princess Bride is a friend of mine!

      Delete
    4. "No more rhyming now I MEAN IT!!"
      "(*anybody want a peanut?*)"

      Delete
    5. Gladys, my ANONYMOUS-PAIN-IN-THE-ASS is a self-proclaimed computer whiz who doesn't have enough brains to use a Proxy Server when he posts his pearls of wisdom. Could it be he's never heard of a tracker? But really, when these types get all personal and sarcastic, the name of the city and ISP almost become unnecessary.

      Delete