Sunday, November 18, 2012

Communication Failure

I'm still trying to decide whether NSIL's recent behaviors have been of purely manipulative intent, or whether there was something genuine there. At this point, I'm fairly certain her barrage of phone calls and passive-aggressive tweets was nothing more than a game for her. Right now, I'm leaning heavily towards thinking that it IS all just a game to her, and that doesn't sit well with me. What I see is a selfish, manipulative, entitled young girl who has no regard for the upset she's caused in our lives with her drama-mongering. I see a girl who has come back to the world following her little stint in rehab smiling in pictures for her mommy and doing a piss-poor job of pretending that all is well once more. I see a girl who, in the scheme of things, only put in minimal effort to reach her brother and who's only motivation for doing so seemed to be that she was in a crisis and expected him to rescue her. And now that the crisis is over and she's left one vague, passive-aggressive message on his work phone and MULTIPLE vague, passive-aggressive tweets on twitter, well, she can just slither away back into the dark hole she came from, without ever putting any real effort into communicating honestly and openly with her brother. That's what I see, and it's really starting to piss me off.

DH and I thought that our best shot for figuring out when NSIL would be returning and whether or not she had received the letters we sent would be to track her on Twitter when she came back and check in occasionally on NMIL's farcebook page. We got our first indication that NSIL would be returning when NMIL's boytoy made a public-to-all-on-facebook announcement on November 15, 2012 that "The party at NMIL's for [tomorrow night] has been canceled, I will let you know when it will be rescheduled." The birthday party she was throwing for herself naturally had to be cancelled because NSIL was coming home that day, and it simply wouldn't look right for NMIL to be throwing herself a birthday bash, right? The next day, NMIL posted a picture of NSIL and her two "best friends" hugging and smiling in the foyer of her mcmansion, with the caption: Welcome Home NSIL!!! What a great birthday present!!! Xxoo." Naturally, NSIL's return from rehab was all about her mother.

And on that same day, at 7:05 PM, NSIL made her big debut with this tweet, "I didn't shave my head tho." Hardyharhar. Granted, she doesn't seem to know that she has DH and I for an audience right now, so it's likely that she doesn't realize that we're sitting here completely incensed, but this is clearly a self-deprecating jab on her part, which manages to minimize every single one of the issues at hand: that she put herself in a life or death situation; that she either isn't taking her health and well being seriously or else actually has a death wish; that she has the power to change the path she is headed down but seems not to want to use it; that she may or may not be completely disregarding the help DH tried to offer her; that it doesn't seem to phase her how much she has disrupted my husband's life and hijacked his precious time with her seemingly disingenuous attempts to pull him back into the familiarity of his old dysfunctions. She continuously makes comments on twitter about wanting to make drastic changes to her hair, which I know can be a sign of mental instability (and in this case, is probably in reference to Britney Spear's famous mental breakdown in 2007 when she shaved off all her hair and went on a rampage in some parking lot with an umbrella). On November 6, while NSIL was still in the hospital prior to being discharged, she wrote, "no one will let me cut my hair." And so, it was sort of natural that, upon re-entering society, she made her big debut by making mention of how, you know, she may have gone crazy, but at least she didn't shave her fucking head. What a good little girl.

So for the past few days, we've kept an eye out for any indication that she had received DH's letters. We didn't see anything that indicated she had. Instead, we saw more of the same type of toxic thought-patterns reminiscent of the time before her stay at the hospital and subsequent two-week absence from the online world (and presumably the real world as well).

As the hours passed, it seemed to us that NSIL not only did not receive DH's letters, but that she wasn't going to either. DH was checking his work voicemail every hour on the hour, and his work email almost as frequently. He kept bringing up how badly he'd wanted his sister to get his letters, even if she didn't end up doing what he'd suggested, or even read them. He kept telling me that he just wanted confirmation that she had gotten them. When he asked me whether his mother might have kept them from her just because she thought it would bother him to be kept in the dark, I realized that what had initially started as an attempt to send a relatively simple message to his sister had become an issue of power and control between he and his mother.

And I wasn't too far behind on that track, I have to admit. It bothers me to think that NMIL may have hidden those letters from NSIL. I mean, right off the bat: NSIL is eighteen years old. She is legally an adult, and it's illegal to open someone else's mail: whether she resides with you or not; whether she is your child or not. And it truly angered me to imagine that this woman, who has almost single-handedly destroyed any chance of DH and NSIL ever having a relationship and who has been the biggest contributing factor to NSIL's unstable emotional health, may have reached in, once again, to stir the pot of anger and turmoil between NSIL and the ONE person on the outside who offered her genuine love and support. Guys, it bothers me so much to realize how much NMIL gets away with toying with peoples' lives. I know, I know. It's out of our hands right? Or, more specifically, it's out of MY hands. I have no control in this situation.

DH and I made the fatal mistake of deciding to try "just ONE more time" to get his letters to her.

All we could think, after reading her most recent tweets was that NSIL had absolutely NOT received the letters and that she did not know that DH was here, waving his arms around like a lunatic shouting, "I care! I care! I CARE! I REALLY FUCKING CARE! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME? I CAAAAAAARE!" But she doesn't hear him. And on top of that, she's too busy simultaneously demanding that people "ask her" about what happened and then reprimanding them for asking the wrong questions.

November 16, 2012 8:05 PM
the new [NSIL] #choppedmyhairoff [self-pic of her in bathroom mirror, smiling, showing off new haircut that is really not all that drastically different from her hair pre-breakdown, which is an indication to me that she is too far under the thumb of those controlling her to go for as drastic a change as she had indicated she'd wanted several times in the past, and that she's still trying way too hard to fit into the mold her NM is trying desperately to stuff her into - you know, fresh new haircut for the fresh-faced girl who's fresh out of rehab?]

November 16, 2012 9:05 PM
if you texted me within the past 2 weeks i never got itttt [This lead me to further believe that she had in fact been in some therapeutic setting where they took away her phone and any access to potential triggers from the outside world] 

November 17, 2012
first night back and i woke up at 4 and cant sleep [First night back and things are already back to normal, in spite of the "happy" little pictures Mommy Dearest is posting all over Facebook, to show how perfectly normal her Precious is, after "going away" for a while.] 

November 17, 2012
luv my hurr [pic of her “hurr”]

November 17, 2012
having no appetite..blessing or curse hmmmmm

November 17, 2012 
Shoulda really known I was bipolar. I think everyone else did haha #crazy #[name of one of her highschool teachers] #twins #meanttobe [I see this as an interesting play for attention on her part and a complete lack of respect for what we can only assume was her "diagnosis" - Bipolar Disorder. Which, can I just say, I suggested as a possibility to DH months, if not years ago? And can I also say that, in all the reading I've done concerning families with Narcissistic Mothers, I've found that it's fairly common for the younger golden child to end up being diagnosed with BPD? Just some food for thought.]

November 17, 2012
Everyone seems too think they know everything yet no one has actually asked me.

November 17, 2012
because of a bad trip? because of a boy? you people are ridiculous and have no clue.
 
For whatever it's worth, my thought is that NSIL realizes her biggest problem is her fucking FOO, specifically her NM, but she doesn't know how the fuck to get away from it all and probably couldn't conceive of leaving them all behind (either emotionally or physically) which is precisely what she needs to do. And she fails to realize that the people who are cheering for her, REALLY cheering for her, are not the mother posting fake smiley photos of her on Farcebook, or the future-step-father professing his "dear" love for her while pimping her out for attention, or the phony, two-faced, disloyal twats she calls "friends," or the non-existent father who hunted down her brother and tried to intimidate him into "rescuing" her. The people who are really cheering for her and want to see her make it out of that death-trap alive, are the ones who she's been set up to hate. And, by golly, if she doesn't hate them, then she'll be hated too.

Since she started tweeting, NSIL has made a couple of comments that I think are indicative of her level of awareness about her fucked up FOO.  Even amidst loads of self-deprecating tweets and tweets about how much she misses her brother, those speak volumes to me. The girl knows. She knows where the root of her problems lie. She knows the stem of her dysfunction lies with her fucked up family - the one she wants to badly to replace; the one that offers her no support; the one being led by the mama who acts like a five year old, the mama who's judgemental, the mama who callously leaves her behind, who has always left her behind. Yeah, NSIL knows.

So DH set up a new email account, one that is not associated with any other email accounts. And he sent another message to his sister there, as well as privately on Facebook. We have risked a lot to do this. If she even gets the messages, DH will probably appear desperate, which is one of the worst mentalities to reveal to an emotional manipulator. Both of these additional messages read: "NSIL, I'm writing this to you because I don't know if you received the letters that I put in the mail to you on November 5 and it's important to me to know that you got them. We called the hospital on November 6 and found out you had been discharged so we asked that they please forward the mail to your residence in the case that you hadn't gotten the letters before being discharged. If you're interested in seeing my letters, please give me your active email address and I will send them to you there. If not, I want you to know that we wish you well and this will be the last time I try to contact you. - DH."

I have to wonder if we'll EVER get confirmation that she's received the messages. I'm also finally coming to the realization that we've done all that we can do, and that in some cases, we've done too much. At one point, I told DH that I felt like we were behaving no better than his own parents, who keep sending him messages even when it's apparent that we don't want to converse with them. I wondered aloud whether his sister's initial phonecalls to him were just a ploy, and when they didn't accomplish the exact outcome she had anticipated, she decided not to respond to his subsequent attempts to contact her. And if that's really the case, then we've just sent her the same message three times, because we simply refused to accept the fact that she's apparently not interested in responding, or to take it one step further: She's no longer interested in communicating with DH, period, because he didn't rescue her the way she wanted to be rescued or in the time-frame she demanded he do it.

I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out the message behind her most recent fucking passive-aggressive commentary, or trying to figure out who the "you" is who she is apparently so mad at. But I won't. It's long past time to stop now. Like I've said before, she can tweet herself to an early grave if she wants to. And if that's where she wants to go, then who the hell are we to try and stop her?

20 comments:

  1. IMO, you can be certain NMIL got those letters-or the one letter I'm aware of to NSIL-at the hospital. NMIL now has what SHE wants: A way to "communicate" with DH. She also knows the paradigm in which she's viewed: As a Narc. She's gonna work this to death. It HAS "become an issue of power and control between he and his mother." Right back to square one all over again, triangulating is up and running.
    DH doesn't have his own stuff in order-yet. HOW IS HE GONNA HELP HIS SISTER? Is this a way of de-focusing from his own stuff in addition to genuinely caring about his sister? Sending message after message? Think you're really gonna get an honest answer from this bunch? Feeding the Drama machine under the title "Care and Concern" or falling back into the same old patterns-rescuing, feeling responsible for, thinking 2 weeks in some sort of rehab place is gonna fix what ails when the insurance company determines the length of stay?
    IMO, please stop and reassess. This is sending all KINDS of mixed messages to the NFOO and that's all they need to work it. Right into their game.
    TW

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    1. TW - You are absolutely right. The process of reassessment has now begun. It is apparent that communicating with NSIL, in spite of her lack of response, is precisely what NMIL wants and that NSIL is just allowing herself to be a dispensable tool. If she truly wanted to get in touch with DH, she could. DH doesn't need to jump through hoops to get to someone who will now just turn around and betray him to that bitch. It's over. Now.

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    2. You know, sometimes I'm just frustrated with myself for not letting this go. Maybe it's just the controlling part of me - the part that says, "Hang on. Keep looking. Never stop asking questions." So I'm kind of angry with myself because I feel like we let ourselves get sucked back in and we need to pull ourselves up out of the muck again and start all over.

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  2. You've done all you could. I have to say I'm glad you tried your best to reach her.

    Doing this is very different from what the narcs do. You are attempting to start a genuine conversation with her.

    I don't think she does realize her brother was in any way agitated by her calls. She may not be aware that anyone can have emotions for anyone else, truly. She may not be able to imagine that anyone can have genuine feelings for her. Her own mother doesn't, and this mother probably told her 103,029 times that her brother abandoned them and doesn't love them at all any more. I'm just speculating based on what would have happened in my family and what I'd probably have thought as a result.

    And, yes, of course NMIL would have hidden the letters if she'd found them first. What, illegal? She's protecting her poor vulnerable unstable child from her cruel brother's machinations. ANYTHING can and will be justified. Why would that surprise any of us? That's what they do. It's in their job description to hide truth to make themselves look better. And to triangulate. And use humans as puppets.

    I kind of even understand this "no one asks the right questions" from her. Her mother is wearing the "all's well" mask once again. She is surrounded by narcs who think they know everything and refuse to dig deeper an possibly uncover something unpleasant. No one asks her an open-ended question ("How are you?" or "What do you think this was all about?") - only stuff like "Was it because of a boy?"

    She is aware that they wouldn't listen or believe it even if she could formulate (which I doubt) her actual problem: "I grew up and am still living with a mother who is unable and unwilling to love me. As a result, I'm desperate and life doesn't make sense. No, it's not because of a boy."

    Sorry for the long comment. I feel and hope for this girl. I was also depressed and self-destructive at that age (and younger), but I didn't seem to understand as much about my family as she seems to. I simply thought my parents doted on me and spoiled me.

    Hugs to you and LSV.

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    1. Sorry for the long comment? No need to apologize for that, girl. This comment rocks. I'd copy and paste the parts that are relevant and awesome, but then I'd just be copying and pasting the whole thing. :o)

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    2. [Here I am with a few minutes to spare!]

      I really do wish we (and I do mean we and not just DH) could have a real conversation with her. I wish we could ask her, "What's wrong? No, seriously, what's wrong?" I wish she knew we would listen and that I could be her friend, or maybe a mentor or something. I wish she knew that the world outside her bubble is different than what she's always known. I wish DH had a relationship with at least ONE person from his family that wasn't completely fucked up. I'm going to say I'm selfish and I wish that he had a relationship with at least one person from his family that wasn't AT ALL fucked up. I wish we could invite her to our house and have her over for dinner. I wish that we could trust her.

      DH told me yesterday that he's satisfied with how hard he tried to contact her. And I feel better knowing that I respected his desire to want to contact her, but that he recognizes it's time to stop now.

      I think you are spot on in the analysis that NMIL has probably beat the idea into her that DH hates them and that he's abandoned them. (She's certainly tweeted lines like that many times over the past two years). And this: "She's protecting her poor vulnerable unstable child from her cruel brother's machinations" was the same idea that I tried to convey to DH, only stated about a million times better and more clearly. (I think I'll need to borrow those words from you. Even though DH got what I was saying, I think it needs to be said again, using your words, because they are so poignant).

      And Jessie mentioned it too - about how infuriating it must be for NSIL to have the source of all of her problems reduced to "a boy." Like, dude, she's got WAY bigger problems than that, and they all stem from Mommy-fucking-dearest.

      All that said, I do still have some weird, possibly misplaced, but well-intentioned hope for this girl. I also have doubts. Probably more doubt than hope, but the hope isn't gone completely.

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  3. Oh jeebus honey - your frustration and worry come through loud and clear here. That whole family is such a nest of wriggling vipers...

    I'd beg you to remember, though - most of us that were ACoNs were DEEPLY enmeshed with the disfunction until (sometimes) we reached our 50's! Your DH has you to shine a light in the darkness, so he is managing earlier - while some of the rest of us had to get (emotionally) punched in the nuts a few hundred (thousand) times before we got the point.

    Your NSIL, while yes - she keeps choosing the insantiy, but she doesn't SEE yet. Her mother has her so focused in one direction... SIL thinks that the feeling she has in the pit of her stomach is the way she's SUPPOSED to feel. The fact that she hates that feeling is even MORE confusing to her.

    Your MIL is (as they all are) a master of manipulation, and your SIL is dealing with SO MUCH. Adolescence (that very hateful time in everyone's life) where she hates herself even more than the average teen - knowing that her friends ALL grew up and separated from their parents in a healthy way but she cannot even FATHOM doing that. She has Stockholm Syndrome, we all did.

    I am absolutely NOT saying that your DH should just keep putting his face out to be slapped - but just know that it may take a few more YEARS before she actually swallows the (blue? red?) pill. She has the pill in her hand. That's what DH's letter and email (and her own instinct) are telling her. She just has no courage.

    Imagine how enmeshed your DH would still be if he hadn't had someone (YOU!) to affirm his niggling feeling that 'this can't be right' was a true statement. Every time your SIL gets a feeling that life shouldn't be THIS WAY, her mother makes a bunch of noise/clatter/boom and she can't think. If your NMIL is horrible to DH, imagine how absolutely VISCIOUS she is in private to SIL. I cannot imagine the things that are said to that girl about her worth, her looks, her intelligence... she is FUCKED 8 ways to Sunday and no wonder. She is both weapon and pawn. She can't even cut her own fucking HAIR without indignant input from her mother. (I mean, it grows back - we've all made unfortunate decisions about our hair *ahem 1988 perm ahem*)

    She's terrified to stay, and even MORE terrified to go. What a horrible place to be.

    You are absolutely terrific and spot-on Jonsi - I'm not trying to garner sympathy for SIL, although I DO feel sorry for her. I know she is old enough to make her own decisions. The big problem is, tho, SHE doesn't know she is old enough to make her own decisions.

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    1. Gladys,

      I actually hadn't realized how frustrated and worried I sounded in this post until you pointed it out. When I re-read it and imagined that someone else had written it, that's precisely what I saw too: Someone who is at the end of her rope in terms of having patience to deal with the beast.

      Something you said reminded me of an incident that occurred in 2009 before DD was born: "Your MIL is (as they all are) a master of manipulation, and your SIL is dealing with SO MUCH. Adolescence (that very hateful time in everyone's life) where she hates herself even more than the average teen..." In the summer of 2009, we went out to breakfast with NMIL and NSIL. And I remember feeling really bad for NSIL, who didnt say much at all during the meal and just sat there looking mopy and out of it. And at one point, DH said something like, "Hey, NSIL, what's the matter?" And before she could even respond (even if she had planned on responding, which I wasn't so sure about), NMIL butted in and said, "Oh, you know. NSIL's just full of that teen angst. She's so angsty." And then she giggled like it was such a great funny joke she had made at NSIL's expense. And NSIL just sat there.

      I was grossed out. Because NMIL was speaking for her. Because she was making fun of her. Because she was making light of the legitimate (and obvious) depressed mood she was in. It made me want to vomit.

      I think part of my frustration is in that sense that she really holds all the power to make her life different, happier. But you're right, she lacks the courage. She seems to have the insight. She just needs the strength. And it's so frustrating to sit there and watch her drown. I hate that NMIL wins anything. Ever. She doesn't deserve to. She doesn't deserve her children. She never did.

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  4. Gladys, PA, and TW - you guys are all such a lifeline to me right now. I don't have much time to respond to comments right now, so I'll just keep modding them through. When I get a minute in a few hours (when the little ones are napping) I'll come back and respond more in length.

    Love you guys,

    Jonsi

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  5. Jonsi, First, most of what PA said is what I wanted to say. Of course NM hid that letter. Like PA said, she was "protecting" her daughter from the mean brother who abandoned her and made their family a piece of shit. I have no doubt about that.
    And I think that NSIL is not upset that no one is asking the "right" questions, but that no one is asking "the" question. NM is not asking her if SHE could have contributed to the problem. And NSIL knows that NM would react horribly if she even suggested that NM was at the root. That instead of really wanting to make things better, they are glossing over it with simplistic "boy" problem reasons. I think, in her head, she's saying "So, I almost kill myself to get your attention, to tell you how fucking serious this is, to try to find a way to express my sorrow, and you reduce it to boy problems?" That has to be infuriating.
    The one thing I see with NSIL that I still give her is that she is young. She's fresh out of high school, and escape from NMIL is a new concept. And as we all know, the trip down ACoN road is long and has lots of fits and starts (most of us didn't "escape" until our 30s, 40s, or later). She is financially dependent on NMIL. She has no job. She's bipolar. The girl is fucked three ways to Sunday and has a huge hole to climb out of. And I have to give her some credit for seeing how fucked up it is at such a young age.
    HOWEVER, that doesn't make it any easier for you and DH. That doesn't make it "better" or easier to tolerate. It doesn't make you less pissed off. And it doesn't excuse her using DH for her personal needs and completely disregarding how she is effecting DH (and you). And it is clear you still need to be careful and proceed cautiously.
    And I feel for DH. It's hard to let go. It's hard to give up. It's hard when you see a moment of opportunity to reach her, like the slim opening in an iron gate, and you're desperate to reach her before it closes. To have some fucking family in your life. I feel for him, I really do.
    Hang in there guys. Thinking of you.

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    1. I kind of figure that NMIL only would have shown NSIL those letters if (and only if) she could have spun them enough to work in her favor. If not, she would have thrown them out and pretended to "forget" they existed. If she ever needs to explain away why she did that, she'll either lie and say "I don't know what you're talking about, I never saw those letters, they must have gotten lost in the mail!" or else, "Well, you know. I just needed to make sure there wasn't anything in there that would be a trigger for my poor, poor wittle baby."

      "...she's saying "So, I almost kill myself to get your attention, to tell you how fucking serious this is, to try to find a way to express my sorrow, and you reduce it to boy problems?" That has to be infuriating." <--sheer brilliance

      Your comment nearly made me cry, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the solidarity I feel? Maybe because you're going through nearly the exact same thing and it's like you're inside my head? I don't know, but whatever it is, your words mean a lot to me.

      Love,

      Jonsi

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    2. Aw, dear, now you've got me teary eyed too. It is comforting in this madness to know that someone else gets it. It's helpful to see it from the outside while also on the inside--if that makes sense.

      I don't know how much you believe in fate or kismet or guidance from above, but I think it's more than a coincidence that you and I are friends and have been positioned to be able to support each other at the exact same time through a very similar problem.

      Love you too, Jess

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    3. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, we're drawn to each other for a reason. If I could reach through the computer screen right now and offer you a hug, I would. I don't believe in coincidence. There's something more at work here, in my opinion: fate, luck, kismet, whatever. We've come into each others' lives for a reason and I intend to honor that. :o)

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  6. I am with these others guys. Right now you couldn't blast this chick away from that nest of dysfunction with 10 pounds of C-4.
    Any resources, even just thoughts of how to save her, is a waste. Get your own ducks in a row and then assess how to help her.
    She doesn't want help. She wants things to go back to the way they were. How they were when she was a child with her and her brother living in the bliss of enmeshment.

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  7. "She wants things to go back to the way they were."

    That's exactly right. She doesn't want DH the way he is now. She wants DH the way he was "then." Nothing else will due.

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  8. Jonsi!
    If NSIL has indeed spent a couple of weeks in rehab, then she has heard at least some portion of these types of thoughts that are part of or accompany every rehab program known to the Western world:
    Our secrets make us sick.
    To truly escape, we have to identify the monster that we're running from.
    Truth sets us free (from addiction, in particular.)
    We are responsible for our own actions, always.
    We. Are. Responsible. For. Our. Own. Actions. Always.

    Now it's up to her to make choices about what she's going to do wtih all that good information.

    So, here's where you are, as Vanci sees it in her super-simplified and streamlined version of the black and white universe:
    You've done what you can to let NSIL know that there's a better way of life and that you're here to prove that if she wants out.

    Now? You just might have to sit in the unknowing, the non-controllable, the probability that she will NOT want the freedom that you and DH have.

    It sucks to watch someone come so close to saving themselves and then turn back to flee into the burning building. It hurts. I'm so sorry for that.

    But honestly? IMO, you and DH have to do your best to let this go and move on before she takes you down with her. Control your controllables and surrender the outcome. NSIL will be okay or she won't, but that's something that only she can determine.

    I'm thinking of you.
    Love,
    Vanci

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    1. (But But But!) Oh Vanci McPantsy, you're right, you're right.

      I don't like sitting here in the dark. Not knowing. Feeling like there's nothing we can do (because there really isn't anything we can do). Feeling out of control.

      Surrender? {sigh). Here I come.

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    2. I know, I know.
      It sucks.

      I wish it didn't.
      Think of it this way: all her life, NSIL has been taught that she is not(whatever) enough to take care of herself, that she is not (whatever) enough to make her own decisions, that she cannot (whatever) without a big burly man's arms to lift her to the (whatever)she aspires to.

      What you and DH are doing for her is the greatest gift you can give her: you believe that she can take care of herself, can make her own choices and can do what she needs to do to be well. IF SHE ASKS for help (not passive-aggressively suggests that you might think about enabling her dysfuntion, but asks for help) you will be there.

      You might be the only people in the world who respect her enough to let her make her own decisions. Even if they're the bad ones.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  9. You know, this helps: "You might be the only people in the world who respect her enough to let her make her own decisions. Even if they're the bad ones."

    I hadn't thought about "letting go" in that sense. Because that is a part of what letting go looks like. It means that we respect her right to make her own decisions. Thank you for pointing that out Vanci. It does help.

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    1. Letting go is pretty much the only option you and DH have left at this point.

      It reminds me of when we AAs try to reach out and help a still suffering alcoholic. Hard as it is, we sometimes have to walk away and be ready for the day they reach out for help. Until that day comes, we have no say in what's happening.

      For now, kick NSIL out of your lives and out of your heads. She's done nothing to earn a place there.

      Hugs to you and yours. Love, mulderfan

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