Friday, October 26, 2012

State Of The Jonsi Address

My Dear Fellow Bloggers,

In this post-Charity world, both old and new bloggers seem to be more cautious than ever before. I believe that there has been a shift in perspective which sometimes takes the form of suspicion that was not as prevalent pre-Charity as it is now. I am not excluded from this wave of vigilance and now feel hyper-aware of the words and actions of the members and observers of our community, and I still believe that it is vital to our existence as bloggers and as people to speak for ourselves, have respect for ourselves, and think for ourselves. I had not anticipated being this personally or emotionally effected by the events that took place a few weeks ago, though I certainly had my opinions about all of it and shared them whenever I felt it necessary. I tried to support my dear friend, Upsi, in whatever way I could, in the hopes that I could lessen some of the emotional fallout of the Charity-Bomber. I have likened Charity to an act of terrorism on our Blogger World because the long-term emotional effects of her attack and then her subsequent departure have been deep and widespread. I feel that things are different now, but I am not convinced that they are different in a bad way.

What I see is a community that may be stronger and individuals who used Charity's attack, as well as recent events, as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. I am proud to be a part of this community, still, though we have lost some and may lose more of our members. I think the people left standing are the ones who are still fighting; still learning; still interested in having a dialog in the name of truth.

And I want to do my part in self-reflecting, especially in light of the role I played in our most recent battle in this War of the Worlds. I know that Upsi has written a new post and I have purposely stayed away from reading it until I could post my own thoughts because some of the allegations that have sprung up recently seemed to imply that myself and some of my friends are unable to think for ourselves; that we have started blogging simply as a means to collect allies who will fight for us blindly. But that is simply not true, and it's my hope that sharing some of my own inner-dialog will provide more insight in that regard. I've had several moments of self-doubt along this recent journey, in which I had to ask myself, "Am I really nothing more than a bully?" I know that I have come across sounding angry, demanding, and harsh; not just in the case of my knock-down, drag-out fight with Caliban's Sister, but in general. I've talked now with several friends and bloggers who have pointed out how intimidating my use of swear-words can be, and that my message may get lost to some who hear the cussing and tune out. I have name-called in this fight, I have dug in my heels in some instances and refused to budge in my opinions, and I have tried to push some people into having conversations when it's been pretty apparent that they weren't interested in communicating with me. These are things that I own and things that I believe I can work more on in the future so that I don't merely intimidate or provoke people into arguing with me.

I have got to be real with myself and with anyone reading this: I entered a battle that began weeks ago, which seemed to be waning by the time I entered, because of one moment. In that moment, I felt angry because it solidified my theory that Cal's Sis was maintaining a position of Martyrdom and Dishonesty. I believed and still believe that she has spent much of her recent time provoking the bloggers she saw as adversaries, providing amnesty to abusers, and manipulating still more into seeing her as a savior, of sorts. I started asking questions on her blog because I saw things I didn't like and I wanted to understand what was happening. I was angry because I perceived a threat to the integrity of my community, myself and people that I care about. I was angry because my questions weren't being answered. I was angry because my comments were being deleted. I was angry because I felt that Cal was setting herself up as the leader of what amounted to a camp to oppose ours - the same one that she had joined and become a part of on her own accord. I don't like to admit it friends, but here it is: I was disappointed that anyone might seek to destroy the camaraderie of our clan, and afraid for myself and my friends.

I am happy I spoke my truths and stood up for my friends that I saw being attacked. I am happy with my analysis of Cal's behaviors. I am satisfied with how I handled my interactions with Trisha, even if my attempts at mature discourse with her were rebuked and discarded. But it saddens me to think that some people have been turned away from having a dialog with me because they see me as a bully or as someone perhaps too bull-headed to communicate with. I would like to address some of the issues that a few of my fellow-bloggers and friends have brought up. In her very insightful post, Pronioa Agape wrote this about her feelings (bolding for emphasis, mine):

I'm just going to come out and say it: Jonsi sometimes scares the hell out of me! Her occasionally snarky, incisive, cursing posts and comments are often way out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel she accuses people of infractions too easily - for instance, Caliban's Sister really could have deleted those replies by mistake - it's conceivable. I've tested it on my blog. We can never know what was in her mind when those comments disappeared. But I have grown to trust Jonsi's honesty and her instincts. If I needed someone to assess whether a person was trustworthy, honest, and real, I'd take her as my personal investigator and buy her a beer or three for her trouble. And if I translate what she says into more polite discourse, I get very useful and trustworthy information. For instance, "narc" or "bitch," translated into "this person is narcissistically defended to the point where it might not be wise to trust him/her, or impossible to engage them in authentic conversation" are helpful and usually rather accurate...I also deleted them to see what would happen to the rest of the thread, and I tested this on my blog, too. When the author of a blog decides to delete a comment, the replies to this comment disappear as well, and the author is only informed of this in small letters at the bottom of the page. It is conceivable that CS's deletion of Jonsi's comments was an accident...Some people, I suppose, felt their parents' rages when they read Jonsi's aggressive comments. Quite honestly, Jonsi's comments shocked me too.

I'm glad that PA found the courage it had to take to publish her thoughts, in part because in our discussion together in the comments, she said she realized that "Real PA is actually not scared of [Jonsi]," but also because I think it's so important for all of us to speak our truths (as long as we feel like talking). And what she had to say made me take a second and third and fourth look at myself: I've been described as scary once before when NMIL admitted to DH that she was afraid of me. My mother and I have had conversations about how each of our individual demeanors could be intimidating to others; in some cases because those people don't have self-esteem, in other cases because they don't like that we set boundaries, and sometimes (this is the hard part to admit) because we're just too damn harsh. There are softer ways of saying things that I just don't always think about. Sometimes it doesn't occur to me that what I'm saying may be harsh and that there could be a softer way of saying it. And that's the part of this that I want to own: that it's not always the other person who is the reason for their fear of me. Sometimes, it really is me.

It is also not new to me that I am sometimes too quick to accuse people of wrong-doing and that I can be very demanding. I've heard this from family members and loved ones, as it is not just a challenge that I face in the Blog-o-sphere, but one that I face in my everyday life. And for me, perhaps worst of all, is the one aspect of my nature that I've been battling for so long: My need for control. It's hard to admit to that and it's not something I am ready to address one hundred percent in this post, if only for the detail I feel that needs to be discussed. But I feel that sometimes I'm willing to fight these types of battles because I don't like the way I feel when the thread-ball of love I'm holding close to my chest starts to come unravel. It's like I'm always standing here, holding onto everything and everyone I love so tightly that they aren't free to experience the natural consequences of life. Control, for me, is holding onto my ideals and my passions, my friends and my family, my morals and my values. I don't like the way it feels when someone comes along and threatens those things. I don't like the way it feels when I start to lose my grip. I don't like the way it feels when the ends start to unravel, so I reach out, quick and grab them back up and stuff them back in and hold on tighter.

But the thing is that control, even in the name of love, is never a good thing. I don't want to enter a situation or join a conversation if my goal is to control it. I'd rather be able to ask my questions and to let go if the other person isn't answering. I'd rather feel secure in saying my piece, strongly and confidently, don't get me wrong, but be able to walk away from the fight and not feel like I lost just because the other person didn't give in. It's something I'm working on. I'm not there yet. Even Jonsies have struggles. And some of what has happened recently made me think even harder about them.

I'll never be done fighting. But I'm trying to walk the fine line (for me) between Preservation and Control.

65 comments:

  1. {{{{{{Jonsi}}}}}}

    Brave woman. Oh, and please don't smother me in your yarn ball bosom. I kind of like breathing ;)

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    1. I'll try really hard not to Vi. It just doesn't do to smother those we love and care about. I'd rather you (and everyone) feel like you can talk, express your feelings (about me, the world, whatever) and not feel like I'm telling you how to think or what to think about.

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  2. Admission is so endearing. i soften completely when people admit they are not perfect and have flaws. I even soften toward myself when I allow the flaws and damage to just be there and not fill me with shame.

    thanks for writing this post, Jonsi. I know it probably felt like putting a "kick me" sign on your face, but that's the paradox of admission: by talking about the deep down truths and doubts we have about ourselves, we're released from the posturing defensiveness of guarding our perfect little borders from everyone. it lets other people IN. and lets us get closer to each other.


    and that's very groovy.

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    1. Definitely the hardest post I've ever had to write.

      Thanks for the Real Talk, Upsi. Real is groovy too.

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  3. Jonsi,
    I stand by what I have said over and over to you, you're an honest chic and I dig that about you.

    It takes massive strength to put yourself out here like this, just massive. I love and respect you for all of what you are and you are a kick-ass friend!

    Love,
    Vanci

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    1. Thanks, Vanci. Ditto Ditto Ditto times one thousand. You're a fantastic writer, a strong voice, and I value your thoughts and opinions. Your post "Taking What's Good" was also one that got me doing some introspection. So thank you for your honesty too.

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  4. One of my favorite movies is "I heart huckabees" and there is a scene where the protagonist is broken down and weepy and he sees a Polaroid of his enemy in an exactly parallel moment of total helpless agony. and suddenly he has this whole cosmic realigning of empathy and connectedness seeing the shared humanity. to paraphrase it. and that's what I think is awesome about this post 9-11 blogging time together is that it is awakening new insights into ourselves. not comfortable or particularly easy, but real. and productive.

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    1. I like movies that make me think. I'll need to download that one and watch it.

      I like that all of this stuff is making me think. And I mean, I was a thinker before, but it's just amplified now. So much to think about. And I'm glad that I'm turning a lot of it inwards because that means it wasn't a waste of time. I'm also really happy to see that there are so many of us who are doing that. Everybody is doing their own self-reflection, at their own pace, and in their own way, but they're doing it.

      I dig that.

      Delete
    2. "realigning of empathy and connectedness seeing the shared humanity"

      This is a brilliantly conveyed statement. It is what I wanted to say about my choice to find empathy but could never put it as wonderfully as you did here. It's not about excusing or allowing abuse, but continuing to see that we are all connected in our humanity and trying to make choices that keep our commitment to the integrity of humanity in tact.

      Delete
  5. We ALL bring "stuff" to the equation, including your's truly. I've said my piece in honesty and I do believe everyone who wants to can do the same. My experience isn't strictly related to Psychobitch. No way. And along the way-
    I use profanity, shame on me. Spend your life with combat vets and see what your alphabet soup of letters gets you: A bunch of people looking at you like HUH? These men and women will bring you to your knees in every possible "Credentialed" way. Pull out your Curriculum Vitae and your Resume and they'll laugh their asses off at you. You HAVEN'T A CLUE.
    And baby, that keeps ya humble from the get. And self-reflective. I've taught more damn University Courses, mentored more "people" in more feckin capacities than your little ol' tenure could imagine, published in more damn prestigious Journals than you could aspire to and I'm STILL LEARNING.
    EVERY DAMN DAY.
    And ya know why? Because I HAVE the ability to take feed-back from probably the toughest bunch of human beings on this planet, far more than the vast majority of people living in FIRST WORLD countries could imagine. There is NO "Delete" key in my head when it comes to honesty. And THAT'S what keeps me HUMBLE.
    It's the rest that doesn't matter and the rest is just details.
    Sing your own song, tell it in your own words.
    But don't DARE try to twist mine. I know better and so does every last human being I've had the fortune to encounter and has informed MINE.
    TW

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  6. I am so proud of you. I see so much more strength in this post than I ever have in anything I've seen you write (and that says a lot because I've always seen you as strong).

    Sometimes standing in our weaknesses is the strongest thing we can do.

    And just a bit more food for thought: it is sweet you are so protective and want to hold us so tightly to you. But sometimes it's OK to let us be strong too. Sometimes you can trust your family and friends to take care of themselves. Give us the vote of your confidence by not rushing in to pull it all back in. Kind of like watching your kid learn to ride a bike. It might hurt and be scary to let go of the back of the seat, but maybe we'll just take off flying.

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    1. You know Jessie, I had my kids in mind while I was writing this too. Because if I spend my whole life trying to control people, what will stop me from trying to control them too? And it's something that I recognize is unhealthy; and I've seen what it does to the adults in my life that I love so much. I'll think of them learning to ride their bikes whenever I feel the need to pull up all those threads and hold on. Because the most I can do is give them a helmet and some knee pads and the rest is up to them.

      Same with you guys. :o)

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    2. I'm glad you read it this way. I know with my NM, one of the things she did that seriously fucked up my sister, was always doing things for her. Seeing that her mother never had the confidence in her to take care of something herself was a real blow to her ego. And it never allowed her to make the mistakes and grow that is essential to self esteem development.
      So, in addition to that helmet and pads, giving them the vote of your confidence is one of the hugest things you can do. You are telling them you believe in them. I struggle with it too at times, letting my kids figure it out for themselves...but it is worth it! And I know that I'm really doing what's best for them and will make them healthy adults, and not what makes me feel most comfortable.

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  7. Spend some time in a War Zone besides your own FOO and lemme tell ya, you learn the VALUE of HONESTY and INTEGRITY in every day people-on ALL "sides." You have NO CLUE who's on the other side of "your" screen, but what you will hear, see and experience consistently with this woman is get down honesty.
    And if that's a bit too much for your nice, comfy, hot-'n-cold running DRINKING water, never mind shower, never mind where the hell you gonna sleep tonight IF the morning ever comes, IF you can find a safe place, IF you can get yer shit out on some jet, IF it ever hits the air waves, IF this child does not die in my arms before I can shove it on a chopper, IF this mortar/RPG doesn't blow you all up, IF you can pull those people out of that flaming vehicle, IF you can duck quick enough and no, you can NOT "out run" a bullet or an IED then you tell me, what keeps YOU humble? Does your Ph.D convey immortality? Does it shield you from the harsh realities of life? Is THAT your "Body Armor"? Huh. Doesn't keep ME "safe." So tell me, what's your "secret?" Please, inform me. I'm a "Well-Edumacated Woman" according to the paper it's written and framed in along with a bunch of other shit in frames. So please, tell me? Cuz I'd really like to know if you have some ideas regarding what trumps truth?
    Sweet-stuff, we all got the Cluster B and N stuff goin' on in NFOO-lish land and that's enough to bring forth truth, one would think. But if that's not "enough" and none of the above applies, your not in my honesty and TRUTH.
    TW

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    1. Truth is bloody. Truth can be a war zone. Man, what a rock-solid analogy, TW. As always. I know I can trust you to always say what you think and mean what you say. That's what I look for in my best friendships, my closest relationships. I have no room in my life for lies.

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  8. TW, have I told you lately that I love you? :)

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  9. Wow, Jonsi. I saw this post hours ago and I didn't know how exactly to respond, so I thought a little. My reaction is twofold.

    1. Wow. What an awesome, brave post. Admirable.

    2. I'm scared. I'm scared that now you'll somehow transform into a nice frilly lacy cozy doily monster and it'll all be my fault! Well, I'm sure that can't happen, but I still feel the need to illustrate exactly where my personal boundary with you, or anyone, would be:

    Say I did or said something and you smelled BS, and, let's face it, you have a fake-dar NATO would envy. If you said to me: "That's fucking messed up! / What the fuck was that all about? / What a fucking narcy thing to do!" I would self-reflect. I wouldn't be offended - I might feel shocked or taken aback, but that is not in itself a bad thing. If you, however, said: "You're a fucking asshole / moron / bitch / narc!" I would take it you were writing me off and then I'd probably disregard your opinion. I wouldn't see how the conversation could continue - where it could go from there.

    It's not the language. (I actually started swearing sometimes under the influence of you, upsi, Vanci, MF, VR, and my husband. I used to be Ms. Polite-Pants.)

    It's the line between attacking a behavior and writing off a person. I just realized that today. Please don't change too much.

    Hugs!

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    1. Oh hahahaha: "...you'll somehow transform into a nice frilly lacy cozy doily monster..." That made me laugh so hard. Oh my dear. HAHAHA. I just don't think there's a chance of that happening. I have room in me to soften up a bit, I'm not going to melt. It's just not in me to be (hahahaha) a filly lacy cozy doily monster. [Wiping the tears away]. Please, don't worry about that.

      What I'm going to try and do, for you, for everyone, for my husband, for my friends, for my kids, is not attack. Share my opinion with grace and goodwill (when invited or asked for) and then walk away if my efforts are being ignored or disregarded (or I find out they are really unwanted). I'm still going to speak my truth, I'll just try not to speak it AT people. I think the swearing is just part of my inner voice, it's not going anywhere.

      Thanks PA. For the laugh and for the insight. :)

      Delete
  10. "Sing your own song, tell it in your own words.
    But don't DARE try to twist mine. I know better and so does every last human being I've had the fortune to encounter and has informed MINE." There words are TW's. When I wrote my Straw Man post, this is what I was saying. I said in that post that my NM had always done this to me, and I didn't like it. Right before the Straw Man post, I wrote about Another Empty Gesture from my NM on hearing my dog was sick. I was ready to move past the Charity business. I wrote it to move past it. I'd already said on Q's post and elsewhere that given that Charity had started another blog with the same original name and not allowed comments, I'd come round to your way of thinking about her. Not that she was "evil", in my view, but seriously messed up. I tried to say that on Upsi's blog as well.

    It was AFTER all that, that Upsi and VR and a few others started poking back through my earlier writing to pull out things I'd initially said about Charity, back when I still thought it might be possible that we (what I thought was a large group of blogging friends) could try harder see how messed up she was. When I saw that Upsi had taken sentences and was translating them, on Q's blog, into things I truly never meant or intended-- that crossed the same line TW mentions in her comment above, (and I'll quote her: "Sing your own song, tell it in your own words. But don't DARE try to twist mine.") that I wrote Straw Man.

    After that, an entire conspiracy theory sprung up in which I was Charity's puppet master; every post I'd ever written, in which I talked about the most painful episodes and realities of my OWN life, were represented as subtle evil efforts to steal a "flock" from Upsi. I was called names. Called an enabler of evil. Some agenda was projected onto me. The truth is I am just another blogger who thought I had a group of friends, and when I spoke MY opinions about the Charity business, the WAY I spoke triggered things in people that had little, sometimes nothing to do with me. I've watched as an entire scenario has been written about everything I ever posted in RC, or my comments on others.

    I have a full time job. I invested a huge amount of time, emotion, thinking and trust in writing and responding to all of you. Four months of my life writing RC and becoming a member of what I thought was a community. I was new to the blogging world. I truly feel you went after me unfairly, and in incredibly mean-spirited ways. I feel frankly betrayed and scapegoated. Not by everyone, in fact, not even by half my conversation friends. But by enough of you that that it wasn't worth it to me to keep my blog open.

    I've been out of town the last few days. I came back online and was thinking about who to invite when I came across Vanci's post "Unfollow Me" this morning. I tried, I hit the "stop following" button. Don't know if it worked. I'll try again. I was going to invite Vanci, but there's no point now. For anyone else who reads Jonsi's blog, and has NOT decided that I'm an evil arch villain, you can always write me at:
    calibans.sister@yahoo.com

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    1. CS.

      So, what you're saying is, it's all everyone else's fault? Everything. Everything that has happened is all, entirely, everyone else's fault?

      That's what I see in your comment here: a lot of blaming and no introspection.

      Delete
    2. Jonsi. Can you throw your shoe and hit the turntable? The needle is stuck in the same old groove and it's driving me crazy.

      Delete
    3. Throw a shoe? Honestly man! What kind of a man throws a shoe?

      Delete
    4. No Jonsi, it's not everyone else's fault. It's Upsi's for resurrecting the Charity stuff repeatedly after others tried to move on; it's yours for single-handedly dragging us down into mud because I accidentally deleted a few of your replies, along with my own comment. You could have given me the benefit of the doubt. I see others above, notably Upsi, now calling for empathy for our shared humanity. Isn't that what I did at the start of the Charity business? I don't need or want your approval, or anyone else's. But I too am a truth warrior. And you should know that there were many people who you drove out with your comments on RC, and with your subsequent post about me on OYE. I've heard from them on email. Sure you don't have to take my word for it. You've never taken it for anything, so why start now? I wrote a comment here because you should not think that the garbage you spewed about me made "our" community stronger." It made YOUR community stronger. I'm having conversations with plenty of people on my own blog, now (not "followers," not a "flock"); like-minded adults who won't stoop to adolescent bullying and name-calling, who don't have hair-trigger tempers, who don't bait and goad and beat dead horses. I'll thank you one last time for that birthday cake your daughter made for me and the nice post you ran after my mother's dead card arrived. CS, signing off.

      Delete
    5. A naked one who is too lazy to get out of bed and walk across the room.

      Delete
    6. Well. Alright then.

      Q, could you please pass the salt?

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    7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The timing of my comment is so off.

      If you're naked, where's the shoe coming from?

      Delete
    8. Now I know why they say you should never fry bacon naked.
      The shoe is still strapped to her ankles.

      Delete
    9. Conveniently simplified and spun and sanitized. What a nice walk down revised memory lane.

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    10. And now a word from Cali.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXrbw4y9BYc

      Delete
    11. "like-minded adults who won't stoop to adolescent bullying and name-calling, who don't have hair-trigger tempers, who don't bait and goad and beat dead horses."

      Trisha! Your on deck.

      Delete
    12. Um, I actually didn't poke back into any previous posts because I'm a lazy ass person. I just spoke from memory, which is pretty darn good. I spoke specifically about what you said that troubled me and what also you said back that further troubled me. I spoke very little, if at all, about what you said to anyone else that did not relate to what bothered me. So. If you are mad at me, direct it at me. But don't blanket your ire at the general public for what I did.

      Delete
    13. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH
      I just got your timing comment about the salt.
      I love the way you are thinking.

      Delete
    14. vi,
      You are awesome, inspiring, impactful, honest, deep, friendly, helpful and true. You are a champion.

      Period.
      Love,
      Vanci

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    15. Oh, Vanci Vanci Vanci... Did you know that Freddie Mercury is my long lost dead gay love? Because even if you didn't, you just melted my bitter, sad heart into mush.

      Loved the scene in Angel when they sang We Are the Champions at Lorne's club.

      Delete
  11. Jonsi, I understand that it was hard for you to write but it is powerful to read. I also read PA's post and I was curious how you would react. May I say that you are one impressive woman and I feel honored whenever you comment on my blog because I know it is a real answer every time. I do not doubt your integrity and belief in speaking truth, no matter what. You keep doing what you are doing for you. I know for me my blog is for me first and my readers may or may not benefit. Hugs, you make me think and sometimes that isn't comfortable but usually healthy.
    Ruth

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    1. [[Ruth]] Thank you. Vanci said recently on one of her posts that she is thankful (or happy?) to have a place to come (her blog) where she can tell her truths. And I feel the same way about my blog, and I tend to gravitate towards other blogs that I think offer the same thing. Truth is what I'm interested in. I value your friendship, your readership, your blog, and your thoughts.

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  12. I love this group of people. Thanks for letting me enjoy and learn from your blogs:)

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    1. Bess - thank you for being a part of it.

      Delete
  13. I don't even know where to go with this because, well, I'm all twitchy and mad. I know I could use work at expressing myself better, but -- well -- fuck me -- I know I'm not this freaking horrible. I mean, if I am, I need to fire my ass from half a dozen jobs or more.

    I've been brought up by some wacky anons and now Caliban's Sister as some sort of -- fuck if I know -- conspirator? Instigator? Rabble rouser? Non-friend posing as an ally?

    Really? This is disturbing and baffling at so many levels. Because all I've done is say what's in my gut. And if that makes me some sort of problem child? Guess what? Someone scarier than you anons already thrust that role on me.

    I don't know what I've done to threaten you so. Because I don't give a crap about you outside who you might hurt. But just spend time doing something other than pointing out my non-acts against whatever foolish world you've built in your head. Because I could be your greatest ally if you weren't being an ass. Even my mother knows I'm a champion of the underdog. And she's a narcissistic idiot.

    If you're not sure if I'm talking about you, then I'm probably not.

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    1. VR. I am sorry I offended you but this would have been better addressed in an e-mail.
      Oh sure, you didn't mention me by name. And none of the vile accusations in your comment can be even tangentially taken to mean me, but I know.
      I know that what you really mean, and I know who you really mean it to be about, and frankly I will not take this abuse lying down.

      Delete
    2. vi,
      Damn,darn, dang. I posted a comment to you in the wrong spot; above.

      Sorry.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  14. Is it just me, or are Cal's comments here like shock and awe tactics. She's like, peppering the landscape with bullets and then retreating, leaving us to survey the devastation and wonder where the hell she went.

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    1. And if you don't like it, you're just an adolescent bully who prefers baiting and goading and beating dead horses. What a load of bullshit.

      Delete
    2. I'm neither shocked or awed. Just feeling like I stepped in a deliberately placed pile of poop. And I don't like it.

      Q, you rapscallion. I love you repeating my words back to me. It's like a sonnet. Ok. Not do much. But you made me smile.

      Delete
    3. It's funny that you should mention poop. I also had an analogy along the lines of when immature teenagers run by your house and leave flaming piles of poop on your front door step. And you're kind of like, "Oh no you didn't!"

      Delete
    4. Jonsi,
      I'd like to weigh in with my interpretation of what CS is doing, if it's alright.

      "I might have _______, but I didn't mean it like that."

      "You might have thought that I _____________, but you obviously twisted my words."

      "Even though I said ___________, you didn't give me a chance to explain _____________ so that you could understand that what I really meant was _______."

      "But, _______________."

      It's like a well worded, pop psych Mad Libs.

      Or a scene from Wayne's World;
      "So go then!"
      "I'm gone!"
      "So go then!"
      "I'm gone!"

      Ad fucking infinitum.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
    5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh Vanci, you are a deee-light. This is brilliant, analytical, and so funny. I busted out laughing. Thank you.

      Delete
    6. And, by the way, CS is SO not inviting YOU to read her blog after you, like, didn't say you completely agreed with everything she ever said. 'Cause, you know. What would be the point of THAT?

      Delete
    7. Well, ya know, I'm not interested in what she's selling. And she is selling, make no mistake, selling a line. She's in the control booth behind the curtain, I can assure you.

      We don't need no stinking hearts or brains, though, we already have our own.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    8. Right on, Fancy-Vanci. Right on.

      Delete
    9. I have to wonder if that MadLibs isn't how my mother hears the world too. The way she gaps between facts and the fairyland in her head, it pretty much sounds likes how my mother speaks. It fools most people because 75% sounded like real words in real sentence construction. The sane people fill in the blanks with stuff that makes sense, yet allows for audible deniability of the speaker if questioned.

      In other words, a huckster mindfuck.

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    10. Much of what CS has been saying reminds me of, well, pretty much everyone's NM. I was thinking this morning that, if NMIL and Co. ever found our blogs, CS has given me a pretty good look at how she would respond to it.

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  15. LOL!
    Here ye, here ye!
    I shall now and forver henceforth be known as Fancy Vanci Pantsy! Just as soon as HRH Queen Upsi approves the proclamation.

    Vi, Agreed. My NM can turn anything around with those choice phrases. It's her poor me bread and sympathy butter.

    Love,
    Vanci

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    Replies
    1. haha it pleases the queen. you shall henceforth be known as her Royal Fancy Pantsy Vanci, Dutchess of Diagnostics.

      Delete
    2. Oh do pardon my imperial mixup, make that Fancy Vanci Pantsy. Regally Yours, QB

      Delete
  16. Ack. That should have read "plausible deniability"

    Maybe I should be fired. Lol. Iphone5 autospell sucks.

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  17. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDTZcxVG0sI

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  18. Q,
    You, my friend, are a flippin' genius. Brilliant. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!

    Love,
    Vanci

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  19. The Old Blevins really brought it home. A country song cures any quarrel.

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  20. CS, Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it.Yk, we ALL have these huge blind spots-me too and lemme tell you about just ONE: My little secretary, and I DO mean young, she came to me as an 19yr. old unwed mother with a 6 mo. old child who managed to get herself pregnant by her "forever boyfriend" on her 18th Birthday. They grew up together. One day Ms. H knocked on my office door and walked in as it was simply a formality. She sat down, made herself comfortable and said, "TW, I gotta tell ya somethin', When (this happens) you do (this) and it's not OK in my world. So stop doing it. Cuz I'm not here for this, I'm here to work WITH YOU as you told me, NOT FOR YOU." Oh yeah. I've always been a "Look, it's NOT "Big ME, Little YOU." And she called me on some crap for which I was entirely responsible. And for which I had no clue (shudder, oh crap, if I'm THIS BLIND, where ELSE are MY BLIND Spots?) and no awareness.EVERYONE has something to teach me. There are areas of my awareness to which I will never be privy unless someone brings them to my attention. And some one, no one, including me will ever know. But in the mean time, here's what I learned:If one person comes to me and says, "YK, TW you said/came across as (what ever.)" OK. Thanks. Really. When more than ONE comes to me and says, "Hey, TW, here's how you're commin' across.." whoa, baby. I need some time here to process this. And I mean REALLY DO HEAR what they're telling me, because these are NOT "people" who are out to hurt me in any way. Yeah. Sure, I created my own "Monsters" with my "No Big ME, Little YOU" philosophy-in-action.
    How can I be SELF-CORRECTIVE if I'm NOT SELF-REFLECTIVE? And what that means is when someone and at least a pair comes to me and says, "Hey, TW, yk, here's how you come across" that doesn't mean I depend on them for my "identity." No way, no how. That's pretty well intact. IT DOES MEAN I CAN get across the MEANING of my MESSAGE more EFFECTIVELY if I get my ass outta the way. In other words, no one can hear me for my ego crap. Worse yet, I didn't even KNOW (oh dud, ya idiot, TW) my message won't be heard unless I'm willing to haul ass on my ego and NOT draw a BOUNDARY around "ME" and take my time about this. And that's where the self-reflective stuff comes in. Of course, I feel shitty. Of course, I feel I've not been "heard." But I DO NOT FEEL "ATTACKED." I take as long as it takes to ponder, "Hmm, I didn't realize that I...." but the REALITY TO ALL THAT CARE ABOUT ME IS, "YEAH, TW, YA DID."
    And ya know what? They weren't into "right" or "wrong" anymore than I was or am. They're into being the open and honest human beings I want to see evolve WITH me, NOT FOR ME.
    I wish you the very best on your journey, CS. I've said before, your safety in every way comes first, last, always. The danger of enclosing yourself in a closed
    "Bubble" are well documented; the danger of leaving yourself open to offense are equally well documented. Your choice, no? And no one can make that decision for you or any one of us. But I gotta say, when I'm hearing the SAME THING from a few sources, it gives me cause to pause. I do believe it was Trisha who said in one of her Posts, "People don't know what they don't know." Amen, baby, amen. Unless someone brings it to our attention, we never will. And until I ACT on that awareness, nothing, including ME, changes: The message remains the same; the messenger (my big, fat ego) gets the hell outta the way. And people get THAT. TW

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    Replies
    1. Well put, TW. I fear, however, it is on deaf ears. The good news is that I think there are lots of others out there who will take your comment to heart. This gal included.

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  21. CS sort of reminds me of the teacher from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Original, not the remake), who says to Charlie: Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you - and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zh6EXnZ-Yjg

    My point being that everyone doesn't know everything, and when one person walks around laboring under the notion that she can't learn anything from her "students" (read: fellow bloggers) and raises herself up to a position of superiority...well, you know. Shit blows up.

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  22. I have two strong feelings right now - 1. The issue is as clear as ever and I thank all for working to clarify because it sure as hell applies to all humans equally, Including CS. 2. How truly poignant that a brave and exposing post by Jonsi comes to this point, back again to try to find resolution and mutual understanding.

    In the parlance of the healing community, do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution? Learn from this opportunity or dig in your heels and keep up the blaming and denial? Choice - it's the secret of the universe (K.Placek)

    xo to all
    upsi

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  23. It is the habit of every aggressor to claim it is acting on the defensive.
    Jawaharlal Nehru

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