Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Barrage Of Bullshit

DH received a letter from Naunt in the mail at work today. It was sitting on his desk when he got in, and was date-stamped October 5, 2012 which means that it likely got to DH's office on Friday October 6, and one of his co-workers put it on his desk for him. DH emailed me this morning, letting me know that he had a letter from her and when I had a few minutes I gave him a call to discuss our options. Now, for those of you just joining me now or for those who haven't read all the way back to the beginning of my blog, here's just a few tidbits of vital information about Naunt: She's cut from the same clothe as NMIL and seems to operate on the same narcissistic thought-patterns; it has been clear to me from the very beginning that she is out for her own personal gain and hers alone - this includes personal gain over her own sister, NMIL - so don't think for one second that they are actually helping each other out when either tries to manipulate my husband because they aren't. Both Naunt and NMIL have their own personal agendas and have even been known to underhandedly con each other to get what they want; in 2009, Naunt made it very clear to us that I was not welcome in her apartment-for-rent and that the only person she wanted around was DH, not me, and not the unborn child we were about to be welcoming into the world (unless, of course, we were going to allow her to exploit and manipulate the child as well, in which case, she would have gladly kept DD around); the last time DH heard from her was in an email on his birthday last year - June 2011. Now, she's trying to reach him again.

The good news is that they're obviously not taking the news of DH's new email blocking program at work very well. Which is why, naturally, Naunt sent her communication via snail mail to his place of business, instead of simply emailing him which is what she would have done in the past. This, among other things, tells me that they have tried to email DH at work, that their emails have been rejected, and that they are not happy about it. And being the busy little opportunists that they are, NMIL and Co. are likely all scurrying around trying to find new methods to spread their wealth of bullshit.

But before I can talk more about Naunt's little letter, I'm first going to mention some particularly pungent crap that NMIL has "suddenly" been spewing in a very public way on what was previously her completely private Facebook page. The reason I say "suddenly" is because I know it is not sudden, nor is its timing a coincidence. On October 5, the same day that Naunt put her little letter in the mail, NMIL posted a picture of NSIL on her Facebook page in a place that is visible to anyone who has a Facebook account. I had been anticipating that, at some point during NC, NMIL would decide to become intentionally provocative as a way to try and pull DH back in. It seems to me that this time is now. For the past year, her Facebook page has been on lockdown, but now, not-so-out-of-the-blue, she's slowly making things more public. Then, yesterday, she posted one of those viral inspirational quotes that, coming from her, sounds like a whole lot of hypocritical hype. She introduced the quote with this: Good one for today... and the (generic) quote itself read: If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to fight. Fight for what's right, fight for what you believe in, what's important to you. But most importantly, fight for the ones you love and never forget to tell anyone how much they mean to you while they're still alive. My radar went way off with that one, and I immediately thought, "Who is she trying to impress with this?" and "Why is it a good one for today?" I knew something was coming. And sure enough, when DH got to work today after being out of the office for a couple of days, there was NMIL's "fight" for the "one she loves," packaged up real pretty-like and delivered by one of her faithful Flying Monkeys, Naunt. I don't have any doubts that NMIL is behind this bullshit (where's my stamp?) letter from Naunt, nor that she is out there maneuvering people in such a way that more will surely come. And tell me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the following phrase come off sounding kind of creepy: "...never forget to tell anyone how much they mean to you while they are still alive." So like, it's okay to stalk and harass someone for their entire life, even if that person doesn't want to fucking hear from you, because, you know, it's important to let them know that you love them oh-so much?

Then, today, NMIL posted another crapspirational quote with this lead in from her: This is from an email someone sent me this morning - very appropriate! This Betty Crocker altruism read: Happiness is always there within reach, no matter how long it lasts. Let’s enjoy life and don't live a complicated life. Life is too short. Work as if it was your first day. Forgive as soon as possible. Love without boundaries. Laugh without control and never stop smiling. Coming from a kind, compassionate person, this type of thing could be meaningful. Coming from NMIL? I have one word for it: BULLSHIT. This represents nothing more than NMIL's phony act of love, that she's hiding behind in lieu of actually doing one god damned thing to change ANYTHING about herself in order to have a real, meaningful relationship with her son and her son's family. The other glaring thing about this to me was that, upon first reading the quote, I thought it sounded awfully "canned," like NMIL had just taken it down off of her shelf of inspirational quotes, dusted it off, and put it on display as though it were a genuine thought and not a robotic euphamism that's been circling the internet. She makes it sound personal, since it "came from an email that someone sent her this morning" and all that. But in reality, the "someone" it came from was probably a spambot or some twelve year old girl in China who started a chain email three months ago because she's in love with the idea of meeting her prince charming someday. When I googled it, it turns out that its a very popular quote circling around the internet right now and it's origin is a sad story about a young woman who, five days before passing away from terminal cancer, made it through a long (but supposedly lovely) wedding ceremony to her long-time beau. Yeah. Leave it to a narcissist to turn a story about someone else's fairy tale love and tragic ending into a sentiment about her own pitiful life.

And now, the part you've all been waiting for: the letter. Did we open it? Did we throw it away? Well, considering that Naunt made sure to write in really dark ink and place the note "just so" in the envelope that one could read it without having to open it...no. We didn't open it. And we're not going to. But I will tell you what it said, because yes, when DH brought it home, I did hold it up to the light so I could see the writing better. The outside of the envelope was addressed to DH only, but the (BULLSHIT) letter inside was not. On the back of what was obviously a [BULLSHIT] invitation to her son's graduation party, Naunt wrote:

Hi [DH's childhood nickname] and Jonsi,

I hope you are all well and I think of you often. I hope you'll just think about it...

Love,
Auntie [Naunty]

[Her son] is graduating from [technical school] as a mechanic.

What a pretty little [BULLSHIT] ditty, right? My favorite aspect of the whole thing has to be the fact that she sent the letter to DH's work, but addressed the letter to the both of us. Why? Because if the whole thing was really so "innocent" and if she really wanted Jonsi to know about it and it was really a genuine offer for the both of us to come to her little party and there were really no dark motives driving it, then she could have sent that damned letter to our house, addressed the way normal, loving aunts would address an invitation to their child's graduation party: to both of us. But, we all know that this little letter was not innocent, don't we my dear friends? And so, she sent it to DH at work because she was most likely hoping that, worst case scenario: DH would keep it a secret, middle case scenario: that he would respond in some way, and best case scenario: that he would actually show up. And just in case anyone asked her why she sent it to DH's work address instead of to our house, I can just hear her [BULLSHIT] response, "Well, if I sent it to their house, Jonsi would probably intercept it and destroy it." You know, because it's really JONSI who likes to keep secrets. It's really JONSI who is hellbent on destroying everyone's relationships. It's really JONSI who likes to make sure that certain parties remain out of the loop of communication.

I don't ever have to hear these bitches say this shit to know that's the way they think. Oh those narcissists, they sure do love to blame Jonsi for their nastiness.

My second favorite part of the the letter has to be the "I hope you'll just think about it" part (and don't forget the dot dot dots trailing off at the end.) Because what she's implying here is that DH never thinks about anything, that he's a callous dick who won't spend the time to think about her poor little family (who are all apparently so lost without him) and because she never actually defines what it is she wants him to be thinking about. Attending her son's graduation party? Coming back into the fold? The possibility of keeping this little letter a secret from his wife? The fact that she supposedly misses him and loves him so much? What? What, pray tell, is she so desperately hoping he'll think about?

Another thing about her little message is that it's the same exact message she's always sent to DH, almost word-for-word. She's not very creative, nor does she ever seem to change tactics. Before DH brought the letter home, we were brainstorming what it probably said, in case we decided not to read it, and these were the things we came up with:

-We all love you so much 
-We don't understand what happened
-We miss you
-Your mother misses you
-We're so sad 
-We know you don't want much to do with us, but [here's some shit we already know you don't want to hear about; and it's very clear that you don't want to hear about it because you've been slowly but surely blocking all methods of communication from us and have not inquired about any of these things yourself for well over a year now, not to mention the fact that the last time we heard from you was in a pretty point-blank letter stating that you no longer wanted us to contact you.]

Really, we didn't have to open the letter OR hold it up to the light because we already knew what that letter said: BULLSHIT. The envelope reeked of it when DH handed it to me. And reading through the envelope just proved that they continue to put in the most minimal effort possible, even in their manipulations of him. I mean, come on people, can't you hire someone to write a different script? Because hearing "I love you" and "I miss you" in almost every communication, and having that be just about the only words coming out of your mouths is getting really old.

Now, against the advice of some very wise people in our community (including the Great and Powerful Tundra Woman and Reverend Renee Pittelli) we have decided to send this bullshit right back to where it came from. And I'm sad to say that my BULLSHIT stamp has not yet arrived, because I was seriously considering stamping the outside of the envelope with it and THEN putting our "return to sender" sticker on it before sending it back to the fiery pits of Hell from whence it came. I do think it would be an interesting debate to hear from others about their opinions on whether doing a "return to sender" is a good idea or a bad idea, because it really is a decision I've been going back and forth on for some time now (well before DH got this letter). I've known this day would come sometime, just as I know there will be a day when they start calling DH at work as well. This shit's gonna happen, because NMIL and Co. have boundary crossing on their minds, pretty much 24/7. I understand that returning the letter (even unopened) is a response of sorts, and that there is a danger in that because ANY response is a good response in the book of a narcissist. But you know what? I hate remaining silent. And I DO want to send a message:


THIS IS BULLSHIT

40 comments:

  1. Here's a thought: Wait for the Bullshit stamp to come. Then re-visit the topic?
    TW

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    1. I take it you're in favor of that then? Ha! All in favor, please say "I" :o)

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  2. I!

    I hate how they tell you to think about it like your dullard ass needs instructions.

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    1. Yeah. I, in particular, need plenty of instruction on when to think, how often to think, and what to think about. I think I'm pretty slow that way, need reminders every once in a while. ;)

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  3. I'm whole heartedly behind RETURN TO SENDER. I think that sends a message of pure rejection of their manipulations. And if you don't use a sticker label, have the RTS script be inDH's handwriting. Plus i want a bullshit stamp too.

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    1. Good point about doing it in DH's handwriting, if it's in anyone's, but we've decided to go the "impersonal" route: sticker with bold, red letters that read: RETURN TO SENDER

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  4. I was going to suggest "Return to Sender" before I got to the end if your post. I think it's the strongest option. Leaves them wondering and with absolutely nothing to argue against. You can't argue with narcissists. But Return to Sender can leave them thinking you moved or.... I did this with a gift basket sent by my parents years ago when my mother was refusing to speak to me for a very minor infraction. I sent the whole basket back to the vendor, knowing my parents wet regular customers and the owner would let them know. Never heard a peep from my parents about it, even during my (badly chosen) period of contact in between the gift basket and my recent NC decision.

    Then again, my parents are very weird and haven't done much to harass me, especially compared to many ACoNs' experiences. My mother would just as soon I'd disappear or die so she can be the poor grieving mother.

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    1. "my parents are very weird and haven't done much to harass me..."

      Let's keep this on the down low, but in my opinion, neither have my DH's parents. I've heard from so many of my friends behind the scenes, and read about cases that seem far worse than ours.

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    2. V, I've got the variety of narcs who would rather I disappear too. The slander campaign goes far more smoothly if I am not around to refute the 'facts'. I really feel like i got the only good scenario with a narc.

      I'd be tempted to use that BS stamp right across NMIL's mouth, Jonsi! It IS merely a bs portal.

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  5. WHOA thar, baby! I'm saying with for the Bullshit stamp to come, then revisit the topic?
    TW

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    1. Damn. I really loved the idea of stamping the HELL out of that envelope. It made me guffaw. I actually guffawed. But actually, I don't think it's the best idea. They'd likely plaque it and carry it around in their wallets to prove to everyone what assholes we are.

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  6. It is bullshit, friend. Clear bullshit. Sending the letter to your husband's work was a clear choice to circumvent and be sneaky.
    Why do they have to make it so hard? Why do they have to be so sneaky? Why can't they see if they just dealt with people in a straight forward, honest way, things might be better?
    I mean, even the part of Naunt's hypothetical excuse for sending it to DH's work: Jonsi would throw it away. Bullshit. Because (and of course, we are assuming that would be her excuse; and I'm sure that you are correct in that assumption) even if you DID through it away, that's your prerogative! She addressed the damn thing to both of you. If you wanted to through it away, so be it. She doesn't get to choose what you do with your mail. And then if DH is upset about that, well, then that's between YOU and DH. Geesh.
    I, personally, would've thrown it out. I've found that narcs find any sort of contact like you mentioned retaliatory and the then will HAVE to (in their minds) find a way to "get even" with you for disrespecting them. But, if you feel you need to do this, stake out you boundaries, I support you.

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    1. I kept going back and forth about it. Send it back or throw it out? Those were the two options and I've seen good evidence for either scenario. I don't know that we'll do this every time, but I think I do feel like taking this stand, at least this time, is important right now.

      And of course, if it all backfires, I'll let you know.

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    2. Well, you know your particular situation best, and you need to do what you feel is best (even sometimes just to know you have tried a particular route).

      For me personally, I agree with TW below. They are poking at you. I've also yelled, stomped my feet, and through a fit about it. It can make me positively enraged. My NM does it all the time. Sending out little emails to poke at me. I used to try and reply curtly and smartly, hoping to set up a boundary or plainly say "you're shit isn't going to get to me." It never worked. Purely because narcs don't think the way we do. The don't assign intent or meaning to things the way we do. And NM also seemed to regard my replies as me lobbing the ball back into her court.
      All that said, it took me a really long time to get to that point. I still sometimes have to literally sit on my hands to keep myself from replying to her bullshit. I think having a few days to let the smoke clear and think about your response is always a good idea.
      And, in the end, I'll be here to help you sort through whatever decision you and DH need to make. Good luck!

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    3. "Sending out little emails to poke at me." That's exactly what they are doing. It's never out of a genuine desire to communicate with us, or ask about our lives because they genuinely care about us.

      Scratch that, there is no "US" for DH's FOO. There is only "DH." So, they aren't reaching out to him because they genuinely care about him. They're reaching out and it's all about THEM, always, one hundred percent. I want to shove all that fake concern back down their throats and send them on their way. That's the part that, I think, takes the most amount of discipline.

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  7. This is exactly why I'm asking you to wait for the Bullshit stamp. I'm trying to buy you a few days and a lil' distance. Little One, I can't not begin to tell you how many times I did "The Bullshit Dance" around my living room, not to mention dining room, kitchen, bedroom, down the driveway around the house...ohhh...you have NO IDEA of how positively ape-shit crazy I would go with this stuff.
    But I never, ever ONCE responded. EVER. After a few days I'd get off my crazy horse. Intellectually I knew exactly what it was: A poke. A provocation, no more, no less. And if I responded in any way, Psychob won. That's all it was about on her side: A Game. No more, no less. And if I responded I would have undone everything I had "done" up to that point.
    jonsi, you know what they absolutely can't STAND more than anything else? Being ignored. A vacuum. Nothing to play against except their own windmills. If you need to bring in law enforcement down the line-and you want to keep all your options open-sending ANYTHING (except evil spirits/voodoo spells etc ;) ) their way will be fodder, grist to keep the bullshit going. The only thing you EVER want to send their way is through an attorney. That's it. Period, the end.
    I really get how this crap just pisses you off, sends you through the roof, makes you wanna jump and shout-down their collective throats, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US AND STAY AWAY!!" I've done that too-in my car alone with the windows rolled up completely and screaming like a crazy woman.
    Please sit tight for a few days. In the over-all picture, the scheme of things, a few days isn't gonna matter. Making a decision in the heat of the moment and it's not a decision, it's a reaction.
    Let's revisit this in a few days OK?
    TW

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  8. How about a compromise? Anything sent to your Dh's workplace gets returned to sender, anything sent to your home address gets tossed. Sending personal mail to his place of work should be stopped dead in its tracks!

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  9. "and not the unborn child we were about to be welcoming into the world (unless, of course, we were going to allow her to exploit and manipulate the child as well, in which case, she would have gladly kept DD around)"

    That's all I need to read."

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  10. Jonsi my friend, hello!
    First off, sorry you're even having to deal with this question; no one should have to fight to be left alone by evil people.

    That being said, I've had lots of these pokes and prods and exploratory warning shots across the bow and letters and presents and random hang up phone calls and other insane contact attempts from the Narcs and their flying monkeys.

    I've reacted in all sorts of different ways, and I know that you and DH will consider and do what you believe is best for you. I'd ask you to consider one thing that I know to be true, an absolute truth of Narcs:

    IF you respond in any way, shape or form, you can be CERTAIN that you will receive further contact attempts.
    If you do not respond, it might or might not escalate, depending on (as TW said) how pissed off they are by your ignoring them and what else my be happening in their oh so precious lives.

    But, if you open the door of Narc Supply (because that's what this is - a feeler to see if the bait is working,) even the tiniest crack, they will pounce on that in a heartbeat.

    They want you to fight, Jonsi, because the fight, the drama, the engagement is what feeds them.

    It's a game. The facebook reveal is a game, the invitation is a game, their entire existence is a game.
    I think that if you send that letter back, you are just putting your game piece on the board.

    I hope you'll choose not to play.

    Love,
    Vanci

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  11. This is a tough decision. DH and I have been back and forth on this so much. We used to keep the letters as evidence - the file - and issued no response. They kept coming, even more than before. After we moved, our old po box that was no longer active told us we had packages/letters. We told them to return to sender since we didn't have the box open anymore. Then DH's FOO hired PIs, flew hundreds of miles and hand-delivered all of the undelivered packages and letters to him at work. But I think there were other factors at play here other than just returning or not...illness in the family, our special events, their perception of what embarrassing him at work would do to him, etc.

    It's so fucking infuriating. I love your bullshit stamp! This woman has been so overtly nasty, rejecting of you, of DH's chosen family . What a witch! But like TW said she's provoking you - daring you. They must be bored. They haven't gotten a reaction out of you for a while. It's time to ramp it up especially with the holidays so close. Wouldn't want you to enjoy them, right? I'm sure NMIL likes to think she's so clever circumventing the walls you have put up to protect yourselves. If you return to sender, they will know it worked, right? That they successfully bothered you. That this tactic will work over and over again. Imo, it should be more annoying to not receive any feedback regarding their schemes. No instant gratification. Did you get the letter? Or did it get lost in the shuffle at DH's work? Maybe DH doesn't work there anymore? Of course, this might eventually bring on more intense stupidity like in-person visits, PIs and the like. I don't know. I think you have to do whatever you feel you need to do.

    That's really true, TW. I wish I'd heard that a long time ago.

    Good luck with whatever you decide, Jonsi. -J

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    1. Oh, oops- this is the statement TW made that really hit me: "Making a decision in the heat of the moment and it's not a decision, it's a reaction." -J

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  12. AA, respectfully, in the Black and White thinking of their world "splitting the difference" sends a mixed message-divide and conquer (which has been the initial and enduring tactic) would absolutely be reinforced in this situation: Jonsi has been viewed as "The Enemy" from day one who has taken over DH's "mind." There is NO "compromise" in their world and this would IMO absolutely reinforce the IMAGE they have endeavored to present to the world. If DH had been hard core Boundary from day one and jonsi were a potentially "easier" target, the invites, emails etc. would have been sent directly to HER.
    Vanci's experience has been mine as well, FWIW. This is an endurance race, not a sprint, sorry to say. As long as you refuse to participate in any way, shape or form over TIME it will become abundantly clear who the wack-jobs really are, believe me.
    But ohhhh, how I get this, Mon Dieu. Treat all communications in ANY form the same way: DNR. Otherwise, ANY response at all will be a construed as caving on your Boundaries leading to further intensifying of tactics to divide and conquer you and DH. That's been the goal from day one.
    I'm not saying they won't continue to try to Boundary crash in more devious and disgusting manners-they will. Expect it. Adhering strictly to your NC and allowing no breaching of boundaries is the only way IMO to ensure the crazies do NOT infiltrate your "Safe Place": Your marriage, your kids, your home.
    In the meantime, please keep putting it out here-another safe place for you-and you know (I hope!) how deeply I care and do understand the difficulties of these NPs.
    TW

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  13. Wanted to share something from another angle: I have a really lovely aunt who always models the appropriate behavior for an aunt. She was throwing an event she knew my mom would attend. She said hey upsi of course this kind of thing is up to you and DH but we're having this event and you're welcome to come. But we'll totally understand if you want to take a pass.

    None of this weird underhanded pressure and obligation and judgement.


    That's what it's supposed to look like, how my aunt went about it.


    Not this secretive douche mission.

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    1. Man, I wish I had an aunt like that. Shit, I'd take anybody like that at all, at the moment.

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    2. Oh, hello there dear friend! What are you doing out at this late hour? :o)

      Oh. The time stamp on here says 8:06 PM, even though it's actually 11:07 here on the East Coast.

      Anyway, I am lucky enough to have several Aunts like the one that Upsi just described. But DH and I were talking about how he also had no one. Not one single person from his extended family was even remotely close to being compassionate or helpful in any way.

      And from what I've come to know about your personal struggles, Jessie, I know that you have it from both sides - your's and your DH's. Its one of those things that makes me wish we were neighbors, so I could watch your kiddles for you whenever you wanted to see a concert with your DH.

      Sad. Sad that so many people choose NOT to change; not to break free from dysfunction, and that they try to take everyone down with them.

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    3. Just taking a stroll around the neighborhood. Checking on friends. And yes, it's still a little early where I'm at ;). Kids in bed, and time for a little "me" time.
      It does suck not having ANYONE to depend on. I do wish I had someone like that. I mean, seriously, how hard can it be to be kind and thoughtful. If I looked around at the people I know, it would seem VERY hard.
      The concert thing was hard (as it had to be SO much fricking drama around something that should've been so simple). But what really was hard, was having a serious struggle with DS recent medical thing. DH and I couldn't even support each other (he took the baby, as it was so early) and I went with DS. It would've been nice had we had someone, anyone to help us out so we could've both been there for DS, and for each other. But, even if we'd asked, it'd been too much drama. And at the end, do you know how many people even bothered to check in on DS. Very, very few.
      It is so, so sad.

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    4. [[Jessie]]

      I imagined you being in the hospital, afraid and alone. I thought about you today when DS started wheezing a bit and my mind went into (to quote Toystory) "hyperactive hyperdrive" about what could possibly be wrong and started worrying that something crazy would happen if I didn't do something to help him. And then I had to take a time out for myself and say, "He's all right. And if he's not, we will seek proper medical attention and get him the help he needs." But then I started thinking about you and how scary it must be to go through anything with your kids without having ANY outside support.

      When I panic, I can call my mom. That's what I did, called my mom to ask what she thought about DS's wheezing. She reassured me. She told me what it was most likely caused by, when I described the circumstances. If I needed her to be here for me for some reason, she would be, any time of the day or night. That's real support, and I don't think there are a whole lot of people out there who offer it.

      I'm glad your boys don't have your mother for a mother. Instead, they have you. Strong, determined, honest, loving YOU.

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  14. "this secretive douche mission"

    Hahahaha. Oh, Upsi. That got me laughing. You make an excellent point about what Naunt COULD have done, but chose not to.

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  15. (Speak to q's MN, The Barbarian: She knows ALL ABOUT "douche" ;) )
    TW

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    1. Eeew, I would rather NOT speak to The Barbarian, if it's all the same. ;o) I'll just take his word for the douchism going on, that's all I need.

      The same goes for YOUR raging bitch MN, TW.

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  16. And it's GREAT for me to see "Anon/J" whose experience mirrors mine right down to the PIs traveling hundreds of miles, showing up at work etc.
    Glad you're here, J.
    TW

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    1. Well, "great" in that "I can see I'm not alone here, hello there, friend-in-arms" kind of way. Not so great that there are two (and more!) in our midst who have been stalked by PIs employed by their bat-shit crazy parents and in-laws.

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    2. Hi, TW Lord I hope our experiences don't mirror yours too closely. It's been quiet lately. Too quiet. I hate that I'm waiting for it. Anyway, I view you as the experienced guide who has machete-hacked your way through a dark, thorny jungle and left light along the path for those of us who are still coming behind you. Thanks for sharing with us. -J

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  17. Remember as well: The laws have changed.
    PI's get arrested too. And it's incredible how stupid and uneducated legally these people are. Don't let that prospect play into your plan: Let's deal with one "threat" at a time, right here, right now, OK?
    Otherwise, you'll NEVER sleep thinking, "What if....?"
    One step, one day, one provocation at a time, OK?
    Just my thoughts. Everyday life is demanding enough without inviting more fears/worries.
    TW

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    1. [[Sigh]] I'm a worry-wart, did I ever tell you that TW? You definitely remind me of my own mom, with your sage advice about one step, one day, one provocation at a time. My mom is one of those, "Deal with it as it happens" kind of gal. She rarely worries because she says that it doesn't solve anything. Action does. Worrying does not.

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  18. One other thought, then I promise I'll shut up: You're a logical person, jonsi. I'm not saying these people aren't bat-shit nuts-they are. But, when stuff like this happens my first question always is, "Why NOW?" Logically it's crazy and we certainly don't know all the variables at play but there's one glaring variable here that IMO plays into this:
    NMIL is getting ready to marry the "love of her life." The only "difference" between this one and the last "BF" is he's gonna marry the mirror. OK, that's that. (Dummy him.)
    Meanwhile NSIL has displayed a very public and spectacular "Failure to Launch" into young adult life. This is VERY obvious and of course impacts the whole "Appearance/Image" orientation of NMIL. So, what better way to deflect from her complicity in this whole mess than resurrect the dependable scapegoat/bogey-man, DH AND more horrifyingly, his (gasp!) DW who is the "Brains" behind this whole "Family Disharmony?" Mercy, mercy me, NMIL is sooooo in loooove (ha! Keep it up woman, and you'll have a baseball team of ex-spouses) and her "DD" is very busy embarrassing the hell out of her. This "Failure to Launch" reflects VERY negatively on her. She made a HUGE issue about "DD" going to college-the one of NMIL's Choosing-and "DD" beat feet "home" 2 wks. later much to mummy's chagrin. But smile for the camera, put a positive spin on the "Gap Year" of self-destruction, more body piercings, a tat here and there and about as productive a period in NSIL's life as if she dove head first into an empty pool in the "HHAAUUUGHMPTONS."
    Just sayin'. Deflection works and they do know how to work it. ;)
    Doesn't "look good" for "mommy." So, DH and you (particularly) deflect from attention
    paid to "DD's" total mess of a life.
    TW

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    1. SPECTACULAR analysis, and I have one thing to add: If NMIL is, in fact, going to be marrying lucky number 3 (and it's not just, in fact, another scam like so much of the rest of NMIL's acts) it's going to look very, VERY bad for her if DH isn't there. So, I'm also thinkin' this could be the ramp up and first-of-many attempts to DH to comply and comply RIGHT NOW, in the hopes that he'll either A) Make it out to see her on the "BIG DAY" and then reconcile with her (notice, so far we've heard no word about said "big day" so I'm thinking she's gonna wait to drop that big bomb when she thinks it'll really get to him...and attempt to SHOCK and AWE him straight back into her arms -or- B) Make him look SO BAD that, if he's not there, she'll still garner the attention she needs to make it through each damned day. The bitch is so high maintenance.

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  19. Wow Jonsi, I think we're in the twilight zone...same shit, just a different cast of characters.

    Here's the easy way to tell someone that their parent is dying of cancer. Send them an email. One sentence. Haha, here's 7 words. Your mom is dying of incurable cancer.

    Here's how I got the message. Ready for a game of telephone?

    1. Messages on facebook. The first by a childhood friend, that I really need to contact my parents. The second one was from a cousin, also that I really need to contact my parents. Hi, thanks for the vagueness.
    2. My aunt called me at work, TWICE. All she said was EM is very ill. Again people, thanks for being so vague, I really appreciate it. I was actually covering phones for the entire office that day and I just had a bad feeling, so both times I let it go to voicemail. I sent a message back to her through her daughter on facebook not to ever contact me at work again.
    3. Then an acquaintance, who has a friend who's a mutual friend of my parents (there's a mouthful) called to give me the actual news.
    4. Finally (weeks after the initial contact), my NF called me at work and was intercepted by a coworker. He wouldn't say who he was or leave a message. I broke my NC rule only to send back an email that I got the message, and not to contact me at work.

    The aunt callling at work threw me for a loop. Sending the message back through my cousin was like shooting off a roadside flare - "Hey! We can get through to Grey if we call her at work!!!" NF has my cell phone number, which he called only AFTER calling my work and not leaving a message or saying who it was when my co-worker prodded for some information.

    It was a few weeks between the initial contact and when NF contacted me. Why couldn't I have gotten the message straight from the horse's mouth? Why no email? Seeing as how they blame DH for everything (they even think that DH wrote my letters explaining why I went NC!), they probably figure that DH would read my messages and delete it. I'm actually surprised that they haven't tried my work email. They're smart enough to google my work #, the email address is right there too. Ah, hope I didn't jinx myself.

    Hmm, anyways. Now, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. How will the contact come the second time around? It's not a matter of if, but when...When they need to pull my heart strings a little more. I've finally gotten through the added guilt/pressure of being an only child who doesn't show at her mother's funeral.

    I moved after going NC so nobody in my family has my address. Still, I have days when I feel like they're going to show up at my house. I feel like I'm just being paranoid, but it turns out the friend of a friend who is a mutual friend with my parents is a cop. The thought has crossed my mind more than once that I wouldn't put it past my NF to ask her to bend some rules and get my address. I also wouldn't put it past them to hire a PI.

    I want to scream and fight and cry. Tell all those family members who are sitting around playing the blame game that they've got the wrong girl. I didn't do anything wrong. I just want to be left alone. Instead, I'm sitting on my hands. I call it playing limp noodle (You know how when a little kid doesn't want to be picked up, they go all limp noodle and you can barely hold onto them?) Changed my phone number. Filters set up on my email so I won't see their messages from certain people. Blocking anyone and everyone on Facebook. Told my coworkers to take detailed messages if the caller won't identify themselves. Can't catch me. Just trying to slip away.

    It's quiet, but for now I'll take what I can get.

    -Grey

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    1. First of all, I'm sorry that your mother has cancer. Whether or not you have a relationship with her, I know that must be painful for you and for that I am sorry.

      If you'd already gone NC when all of this shit went down, then ALL of this was inappropriate. If you'd not yet gone NC, then 99% of it was inappropriate. Narcissists and their flying monkeys tend to be the least straight forward communicators. Everything has to be passed along through multiple parties, all watered down by the time it reaches it's final destination. And even then, of course you have to question it's legitimacy. (Why I am I telling you this, as though you don't already know it? Sheesh, Jonsi!)

      Isn't it absolutely absurd how many steps ahead you have to be to try and catch their shit before they start spewing it at you? And they pretty much ALWAYS find the loopholes in whatever "rules" you set. They're like, the MASTER politicians; they dodge questions like pros, manipulate their audiences, and find the loopholes that end up fucking the rest of us over, while they get away without paying any taxes.

      Having five people call you (at work no less) is ridiculously over-redundant, especially when you have requested that you not be contacted by your mother or in regards to your mother (after all, that is what no contact means).

      I have a theory on this: "Why no email? Seeing as how they blame DH for everything (they even think that DH wrote my letters explaining why I went NC!), they probably figure that DH would read my messages and delete it." And basically, I think that is it's own lie. I think you're probably right in that that is what they walk around saying. You know, "Grey's husband probably deletes all of the emails we send her, and has somehow managed to manipulate her email system at work, and would probably also throw out any communication we sent to their house, and probably has a lockdown on the house phone so that our messages will never get through...so we'd better just send everything to the place she's most likely to get it, so that we can simultaneously insult her husband AND get as best a chance we can that she'll actually see our BS. And maybe, if we're really REALLY lucky, she'll keep the whole thing "just between us." Like you're not going to go home and tell DH that your mom is dying anyway. And I think it's all part of their big con game. I actually don't think most of these narcs really believe that your husband is deleting all of your messages. I think they just tell other people that, to paint your DH like the ultimate bad guy, and to allow themselves to circumvent him entirely. Since he's never been anything more than a threat to their evil cause.

      Being stalked. Sigh. Yes, I understand that fear. And from the many people I've met here in this blogosphere, I don't think it's a possibility any of us can discount. It's sad that peace and quiet usually translates to drama with them at the end of the day. They'll drop a bomb on you at some point, when it most suits them and when they think it will surprise/hurt you the most. It's hard to feel prepared when that's the situation you face.

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  20. Hey Grey? What you decide to do about the "Terminal Cancer" dx. is absolutely your call. But I can't tell you HOW MANY TIMES I've seen these "terminal dxs." administered through the grapevine. Or some other major, life-threatening "emergency." I've had that pulled on me but more importantly, it's a very common tactic to see if you'll respond to a "Worst Case Scenario."
    The goal is "Contact" and when even negative attention is better than none, their Drama tactics are consistent: Remember, these are the same people who can spin an encounter with a run-away shopping cart in a parking lot into a "Near Death Experience" and we'll believe 'em.
    Unless and until I had absolutely confirmed through the treating oncologist that indeed they DO have cancer, it's this TYPE of cancer, here's the Prognosis I'd ignore it myself.
    If you're NC, they've been "Terminal" for years. I've seen females fake pregnancies, take a Class II Pap smear or colposcopy and suddenly, they're "dying" from some type of "C" before the results even come back etc.
    Just my POV/Experience.
    TW

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