Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Jonsies Checking In

Hi folks.  This is Jonsi's DH writing to let everyone know we're ok and safe.  We have power but we currently do not have phone or internet services (I'm writing this from a location that does).  Jonsi will be back as soon as possible.

All the best,
Jonsi's DH

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Control

Hurricane Sandy

Hello Dear Friends and readers,

As you probably know, the East Coast is about to be pummeled by Hurricane Sandy. According to recent weather reports, we are not going to be hit quite as hard as we originally thought, but it does not matter so much that the eye of the storm isn't passing directly over us because, "the most severe weather will be on the side of the storm that's hitting [our state]." It's pretty definitive that our area is going to be hit by very strong gusts of wind, sustained over the next few days, as well as lots of rain and likely flooding. We live in a coastal town, although we are about a mile away from shore, so we're hoping not to have to be evacuated from our home. So far, some of our neighboring towns are in the process of evacuating people who reside in low-lying areas.

I may be offline for a couple of days, but we obviously won't have any way of knowing that until the storm hits. So if you don't hear from us for a while, it's likely because we've lost power/internet service or that we have been evacuated. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we aren't asked to evacuate.) I'll do my best to continue posting any comments that come my way, and I'm going to stay hooked up the internet for as long as possible. With any luck, we won't lose power, but at this point it seems likely that will happen.

This upcoming hurricane brought back memories from last year's Hurricane Irene, when NMIL used it to pretend she cared about us, long enough to break NC and send DH an email at work to let him know that she was "just a phone call away if we needed anything." DH and I have both been wondering what NMIL might try, if anything, in regards to this particular storm. I've come to learn that nothing is a guarantee with narcissists, and that the only thing you can really expect from them is the unexpected. Even in their games of manipulation, narcs tend to be unpredictable and unreliable. Now that we have ensured that any messages from DH's FOO get rejected from his work email, I'm not really sure what mode of communication they'll choose to continue their plays of forcing DH to listen to them. As with the coming storm, time will tell. Either they'll hit us, or they won't. We just have to prepare for the worse and hope that it passes us by without doing too much damage.

We're expecting the (weather) storm to start hitting us early tomorrow morning around 2:00 AM, with the worst hitting us from about noon on Monday until 8:00 AM on Tuesday. Honestly, my biggest concern at this point, besides NMIL and Co. trying to use this as a lame excuse to contact my husband, is the huge tree we have in front of our house. I remember last year, watching the limbs on that tree whipping around furiously, and being reminded of the tree that fell between our neighbor's house and ours in a much less severe storm in 2009. But the thing is that there really is no sense in worrying. Whether the tree comes down or not; whether NMIL contacts us or not, we have no control over either scenario, and we're as prepared as we can be for whatever may come.

Whatever happens, I'll be back online as soon as possible to let you know. Wish us luck!

Love,

Jonsi

Friday, October 26, 2012

State Of The Jonsi Address

My Dear Fellow Bloggers,

In this post-Charity world, both old and new bloggers seem to be more cautious than ever before. I believe that there has been a shift in perspective which sometimes takes the form of suspicion that was not as prevalent pre-Charity as it is now. I am not excluded from this wave of vigilance and now feel hyper-aware of the words and actions of the members and observers of our community, and I still believe that it is vital to our existence as bloggers and as people to speak for ourselves, have respect for ourselves, and think for ourselves. I had not anticipated being this personally or emotionally effected by the events that took place a few weeks ago, though I certainly had my opinions about all of it and shared them whenever I felt it necessary. I tried to support my dear friend, Upsi, in whatever way I could, in the hopes that I could lessen some of the emotional fallout of the Charity-Bomber. I have likened Charity to an act of terrorism on our Blogger World because the long-term emotional effects of her attack and then her subsequent departure have been deep and widespread. I feel that things are different now, but I am not convinced that they are different in a bad way.

What I see is a community that may be stronger and individuals who used Charity's attack, as well as recent events, as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. I am proud to be a part of this community, still, though we have lost some and may lose more of our members. I think the people left standing are the ones who are still fighting; still learning; still interested in having a dialog in the name of truth.

And I want to do my part in self-reflecting, especially in light of the role I played in our most recent battle in this War of the Worlds. I know that Upsi has written a new post and I have purposely stayed away from reading it until I could post my own thoughts because some of the allegations that have sprung up recently seemed to imply that myself and some of my friends are unable to think for ourselves; that we have started blogging simply as a means to collect allies who will fight for us blindly. But that is simply not true, and it's my hope that sharing some of my own inner-dialog will provide more insight in that regard. I've had several moments of self-doubt along this recent journey, in which I had to ask myself, "Am I really nothing more than a bully?" I know that I have come across sounding angry, demanding, and harsh; not just in the case of my knock-down, drag-out fight with Caliban's Sister, but in general. I've talked now with several friends and bloggers who have pointed out how intimidating my use of swear-words can be, and that my message may get lost to some who hear the cussing and tune out. I have name-called in this fight, I have dug in my heels in some instances and refused to budge in my opinions, and I have tried to push some people into having conversations when it's been pretty apparent that they weren't interested in communicating with me. These are things that I own and things that I believe I can work more on in the future so that I don't merely intimidate or provoke people into arguing with me.

I have got to be real with myself and with anyone reading this: I entered a battle that began weeks ago, which seemed to be waning by the time I entered, because of one moment. In that moment, I felt angry because it solidified my theory that Cal's Sis was maintaining a position of Martyrdom and Dishonesty. I believed and still believe that she has spent much of her recent time provoking the bloggers she saw as adversaries, providing amnesty to abusers, and manipulating still more into seeing her as a savior, of sorts. I started asking questions on her blog because I saw things I didn't like and I wanted to understand what was happening. I was angry because I perceived a threat to the integrity of my community, myself and people that I care about. I was angry because my questions weren't being answered. I was angry because my comments were being deleted. I was angry because I felt that Cal was setting herself up as the leader of what amounted to a camp to oppose ours - the same one that she had joined and become a part of on her own accord. I don't like to admit it friends, but here it is: I was disappointed that anyone might seek to destroy the camaraderie of our clan, and afraid for myself and my friends.

I am happy I spoke my truths and stood up for my friends that I saw being attacked. I am happy with my analysis of Cal's behaviors. I am satisfied with how I handled my interactions with Trisha, even if my attempts at mature discourse with her were rebuked and discarded. But it saddens me to think that some people have been turned away from having a dialog with me because they see me as a bully or as someone perhaps too bull-headed to communicate with. I would like to address some of the issues that a few of my fellow-bloggers and friends have brought up. In her very insightful post, Pronioa Agape wrote this about her feelings (bolding for emphasis, mine):

I'm just going to come out and say it: Jonsi sometimes scares the hell out of me! Her occasionally snarky, incisive, cursing posts and comments are often way out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel she accuses people of infractions too easily - for instance, Caliban's Sister really could have deleted those replies by mistake - it's conceivable. I've tested it on my blog. We can never know what was in her mind when those comments disappeared. But I have grown to trust Jonsi's honesty and her instincts. If I needed someone to assess whether a person was trustworthy, honest, and real, I'd take her as my personal investigator and buy her a beer or three for her trouble. And if I translate what she says into more polite discourse, I get very useful and trustworthy information. For instance, "narc" or "bitch," translated into "this person is narcissistically defended to the point where it might not be wise to trust him/her, or impossible to engage them in authentic conversation" are helpful and usually rather accurate...I also deleted them to see what would happen to the rest of the thread, and I tested this on my blog, too. When the author of a blog decides to delete a comment, the replies to this comment disappear as well, and the author is only informed of this in small letters at the bottom of the page. It is conceivable that CS's deletion of Jonsi's comments was an accident...Some people, I suppose, felt their parents' rages when they read Jonsi's aggressive comments. Quite honestly, Jonsi's comments shocked me too.

I'm glad that PA found the courage it had to take to publish her thoughts, in part because in our discussion together in the comments, she said she realized that "Real PA is actually not scared of [Jonsi]," but also because I think it's so important for all of us to speak our truths (as long as we feel like talking). And what she had to say made me take a second and third and fourth look at myself: I've been described as scary once before when NMIL admitted to DH that she was afraid of me. My mother and I have had conversations about how each of our individual demeanors could be intimidating to others; in some cases because those people don't have self-esteem, in other cases because they don't like that we set boundaries, and sometimes (this is the hard part to admit) because we're just too damn harsh. There are softer ways of saying things that I just don't always think about. Sometimes it doesn't occur to me that what I'm saying may be harsh and that there could be a softer way of saying it. And that's the part of this that I want to own: that it's not always the other person who is the reason for their fear of me. Sometimes, it really is me.

It is also not new to me that I am sometimes too quick to accuse people of wrong-doing and that I can be very demanding. I've heard this from family members and loved ones, as it is not just a challenge that I face in the Blog-o-sphere, but one that I face in my everyday life. And for me, perhaps worst of all, is the one aspect of my nature that I've been battling for so long: My need for control. It's hard to admit to that and it's not something I am ready to address one hundred percent in this post, if only for the detail I feel that needs to be discussed. But I feel that sometimes I'm willing to fight these types of battles because I don't like the way I feel when the thread-ball of love I'm holding close to my chest starts to come unravel. It's like I'm always standing here, holding onto everything and everyone I love so tightly that they aren't free to experience the natural consequences of life. Control, for me, is holding onto my ideals and my passions, my friends and my family, my morals and my values. I don't like the way it feels when someone comes along and threatens those things. I don't like the way it feels when I start to lose my grip. I don't like the way it feels when the ends start to unravel, so I reach out, quick and grab them back up and stuff them back in and hold on tighter.

But the thing is that control, even in the name of love, is never a good thing. I don't want to enter a situation or join a conversation if my goal is to control it. I'd rather be able to ask my questions and to let go if the other person isn't answering. I'd rather feel secure in saying my piece, strongly and confidently, don't get me wrong, but be able to walk away from the fight and not feel like I lost just because the other person didn't give in. It's something I'm working on. I'm not there yet. Even Jonsies have struggles. And some of what has happened recently made me think even harder about them.

I'll never be done fighting. But I'm trying to walk the fine line (for me) between Preservation and Control.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Who The Fuck Died And Made You Mayor

For anyone who has been following the trail of devastation that fucked-up lady Charity left in her wake, you may be aware of the ongoing battle that has resulted in several recent skirmishes. I'm naming names because I'm tired of people like Caliban's Sister and Trisha making subtle insinuations about certain bloggers, then refusing to clarify who, specifically, they are referring to, before deleting their comments and rewriting history to suit their own needs. I'm tired of Cali's moralizations and shoulds and wrist-slapping. I'm tired of her speaking for Charity and for offering up non-apologies when people have told her they felt "scolded" by her. I'm about to do what I do best in an effort to unravel the recent spin and to share with anyone who feels like reading precisely what my stance is.

For me, I began to take up issue with Cali when she started settling into her Mayor-routine a-la "everybody save Charity from the onslaught" on Upsi's post, Most Humane. On that post, she left the following comment:

[October 6, 2012 @ 10:56 AM] Hi everyone. Upsi especially. I do want to defend Charity, despite the week of pain she caused for you, Upsi. She is struggling terribly hard right now, after having called the Child Protective Services on her son, and having his pregnant teenage daughter removed from his house. She made the hard and right call on that, but feels terribly guilty. Both her parents were/are (mother still alive) evil and horribly abusive to her. She's trying to get her medications for depression and various other stress related things sorted out. She's struggling terribly, and feels like a raw nerve. I feel deep sympathy for her at the moment. I know if she'd had a few more nights sleep she would never have written that post on Upsi's blog. That she saw what she'd done, stepped forward to do the right thing, knowing she'd incur incredible wrath and scorn, had to have been unbelievably hard. I know it is Upsi's hurt, now, to consider, and its up to her whether or not to forgive. But I think it would speak well of us as a group of friends trying to help each other if we saw how badly Charity is hurting, how confused she is, how chemically out-of-whack she is at the moment, how tormented by her own demons, and finally, how completely remorseful her apology was, and gave her the chance to keep our friendship. If I made a terrible misstep like she did, and then owned up to it in order to spare Upsi believing it might be her own family member who wrote the post, I'd be incredibly grateful to have some understanding and forgiveness. I've corresponded with Charity a little on email, and she is trying really hard to comprehend the reality of her life as a daughter, sister, and parent. She's had loss after loss after loss these last few years. Do you think we might let that mitigate a little the anger and distrust? I feel compassion of Upsi after the shock of the message. But I feel even deeper compassion for Charity, who now has to pick up another set of broken pieces.

At the time, I didn't say much in response to this comment, though it made my eyebrow wiggle. But now? Well friends, why don't we just take this one apart before Cali decides to go back and delete it in the hopes that no one will ever have a record of what she said? I'm going to start with the following phrases: "but [Charity] feels terribly guilty," "She's struggling terribly, and feels like a raw nerve," "...how badly Charity is hurting, how confused she is, how chemically out-of-whack she is at the moment, how tormented by her own demons, and finally, how completely remorseful her apology was," "she is trying really hard to comprehend the reality...." What I see here, clear as day, is a boatload of phrases where Cali-Dear is talking for Charity, claiming to know how Charity feels. Guys, that's a huge red flag for me, and it's one I've seen many times before, from enablers across the board. Even if Cal really had been communicating with Charity privately, before, during, or after Charity's Attention-Seeking-Outburst-of-Insanity, and even if Charity had really communicated these things to her, it's simply fucked up that Cal then followed through on accepting responsibility of being Charity's spokeswoman. You know what? By this point in time, we'd already heard Charity's bullshit apology, and most of us didn't buy it; so hearing it again, through a third-party, was only going to change the minds of people like Trisha, Molly, Kitty, and CZBZ, who all, apparently, don't recognize when they're being manipulated more than a thirteen-year-old's peinerschnitzel. When I see someone talking about how "so-and-so feels this or that," I start wondering about what that person's MO is, what angle they're trying to take. Because no one speaks for someone else, no one offers up the feelings of another person unless they're after something. And it's now clear, more than ever, what Cali-Dear was after.

I do want to defend Charity, despite the week of pain she caused for you, Upsi. Maybe we should have just stopped reading right there, because once again, what I see is an enabler. What I see is someone waltzing in defending a person who knowingly and obviously caused a fellow human being pain. Maybe we should have stopped reading after this first sentence because the only place it could have possibly lead was to a god-damned trail of shitty excuses: I want to defend this person, even though she caused you pain, and here's why: Because she's been having such a hard time lately; because she hasn't had much sleep; because she's so 'chemically out-of-whack' right now, because she's so 'tormented by her own demons,' because her parents were so evil and abusive to her. And the list of excuses goes on and on, with Cali offering up wave after wave of pathetic and bizarre reasons to explain away the attack made by one (not-so-oddly silent) Charity. But what's more rattling to me than my thought that Cal was merely an enabler, is my thought that she's a power-hungry narcissist herself, who's been in cahoots with Charity for a while and has possibly been planning some sort of weird coup d'état to overthrow Upsi's "dictatorship" over the ACoN community. That's right, I said it. If I could draw a line between Cali's original comments on the whole Charity Explosion and what she's saying right now, I'd be willing to place a bet that the starting-point for all of this was in Cal's desperation to be Mayor of ACoNville. And if she couldn't have it, she'd set her sights on "perching" on her own "branch of the ACon Tree" i.e. the "working toward healing branch." You know. 'Cause clearly that isn't the branch that the rest of us are sitting on.

I feel deep sympathy for her at the moment. For me, the implication here is that because Cal felt "deep sympathy" for Charity at that moment, we all should too; and that we should all let go of that "wrath and scorn" we all displayed, enough to "give [Charity] a chance to keep our friendship." According to Cal, our sympathy for Charity's supposedly shitty life should have outweighed our own feelings of betrayal, frustration, anger, and fear. According to Cal, we should have taken pity on poor, poor Charity, who lashed out in a "moment" of chemically-induced insanity and stopped talking about the incident so that Charity could come back and feel like everyone still wuved her. According to Cal, we should have not only taken her word for Charity's supposed remorse, but mitigated our anger and distrust with the idea that she was acting as some sort of self-appointed messenger between us and Charity. And to that, I say, "Cal? Who the fuck died and made you Mayor?"

I've corresponded with Charity a little on email...Um. So like, does this remind anyone of the Flying Monkeys and Enablers we've all known over the years? Who the fuck else initiates and maintains communication with the crazies and the abusers, and then makes constant attempts to get US to see the light about how fucking "sorry" the abusers are for doing whatever it is that they've done. It's true that I have a limited amount of sympathy for bullies and abusers. Ditto for the fucking flying rats that follow them around. And it seems to me that both Charity and Cali play both roles pretty fucking well.

The above comment from Cal was only the first of many. On that same post, she went on to say:

[October 6, 2012 @ 6:20 PM] Vi and Mulderfan, all due respect to you both--but Charity didn't "get caught." She confessed to doing it, because she was overwhelmed by shame at the thought that Upsi would think one of her family members wrote it. Please let's keep clear about how this went down. I'm not justifying what she wrote or did; but I don't want to see her nuked. She did take responsibility. She also explained what was going on in her head, with her meds. I have no dog in this hunt, except tempering the outrage with a little balance. I hope you all hear that I say this with respect. Can we try not to bond with each other by destroying Charity? That's how our families bonded together against us. OK?

Several bloggers commented on their feeling that the phrase "all due respect" was actually not respectful of their thoughts and opinions at all. To that, I would like to add that any statement which hinges on the word "but" (or any variation thereof) is one that usually ends up negating itself. So in the phrase, "all due respect to you both--but Charity didn't 'get caught...'" Cal was actually saying she did not respect their opinions. It read like this: "All due respect to you -BUT-here's why I don't actually respect your opinion." And on the notion that Charity "confessed" to the crimes she committed? I stand with those who said that her "confession" was nothing more than a pathetic, manipulative, and completely warped attempt to draw even more attention to herself; and that Cal was merely using all of it as a twisted means to an end.

And, be still my heart, is this more emotional-spokeswoman bullshit I see here: "[Charity] was overwhelmed by shame," "[Charity] did take responsibility." So, when fellow-bloggers expressed outrage at Charity's behaviors and then began to question Cal's motives for defending her, Cal's response was to ramp up her tactics: continuing to speak for the silent abuser, asking for the victim and her friends to "temper their outrage," cleverly masking her motives under carefully worded insinuations that we were all just a bunch of raging, narcissistic despots motivated by hatred and misplaced anger. And after all that, she asked, "Ok?" at the end, as though she actually gave a shit if we said, "No. You know what? It's not fucking ok."

Another comment from the same post:

[October 7, 2012 @ 7:03 AM] I hope you all will allow me as well to "process" in my own way. I did not accuse any one person of "nuking" anyone. I did not ever suggest that processing was not ok. I put in a plea for a little balance and compassion. I pointed out a potential danger of group bonding over a betrayal. This is a real danger, as any psychologist will tell you. I'm disappointed that my input was heard as a criticism of certain individuals. This was Upsi's trauma. It is Upsi's decision about whether or not to let Charity back in to her own blogging life. Those of us who comment here are all in various stages of recovery from having been betrayed, by FOO, spouses, friends, etc. I am at the stage where if someone fucks up big time once, and cops to it (even if a few days late) I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All I was pressing for was tempering the outrage from those of us who were not Charity's target. This trauma belongs to Upsi. Respectfully ALWAYS. Cal's Sis.

I know there were many comments after this one, both on Upsi's blog, by Upsi, and by readers of Upsi's blog, that all seemed to indicate how dismissive this comment by Cal was, overall. In this comment, here's what I see: Someone who plays for victim status of her own by claiming that she felt attacked for not being "allowed" to "process" in her own way; someone who continues to hide behind her original vague accusations that certain people were "nuking" a fellow-victim; someone who insinuates that all or some of the rest of us are unbalanced and dispassionate; someone who claims that any (read: all) psychologists would back her views; someone who aims to make us feel bad by expressing her disappointment about how we misunderstood her; someone who tries to put ALL of the onus on Upsi for allowing or disallowing Charity back into our community (or, what Cal probably sees as "the community which Upsi leads but that which Cal would like to take-over"); someone who continues to push her own agenda on a group of people who disagree with her; someone who tries to pressure others into doing what she wants them to do. And, at the end of the day, someone who claims that all of those things are being done out of "respect." 

I did not accuse any one person of "nuking" anyone. Of course the bitch didn't accuse any ONE person of dropping the bomb. Because the citation of specific facts, particularly via the written word, lead to potential accusations of responsibility later. In other words, Cal rarely, if ever names names, because she may not be able to delete the evidence afterwards, and she'd rather her allegations be loose and vague so as not to blow her cover. In her world, it's true that she did not accuse any one specific person of nuking any other specific person. But in the real world, she in fact accused many specific people of nuking one very specific person. At the end of the day, she just claims that anyone's dissenting opinion is a result of their misunderstanding, rather than her deliberate miscommunications. She's all, "Eat my narc-shit and die, you ungrateful little bastards!" And we're all, "Excuse us?"

Can you tell I hate this bitch?

I put in a plea for a little balance and compassion. A plea? Really? She puts in a plea? For compassion and balance? From ACoNs? I mean, what is this bitch smoking? Most of the ACoNs I have met, spoken with, and confided in have been balanced and compassionate to a fucking-fault. I've never met a group of people so focused on being compassionate, empathetic, loving, and genuine, and who so often get taken-advantage of for it, in all my fucking life. But here comes Cal, "pleading" with them to offer up sympathy to a rouge crazy who had just attempted to beat a good friend to a bloody pulp, and asking them to "allow" her to process in her own way, as though we had any power over her processing-capabilities. I'm not saying I didn't see empathy from my friends here, because I did and I still do. But I find it repulsive for anyone to come along and imply that they were any less balanced and compassionate for siding with the victim of Charity's attack, rather than "poor, poor" Charity, or for daring to step-up and disagree with her spokeswoman. This was a set-up, and all part of what I now believe was Cal's bigger plan to begin alienating those who would side with Upsi, and not with her. Yes, her, the self-appointed Mayor of ACoNville. Not Charity, the just as fucked-up, but not the plan's brainchild to take over OUR Gotham City, nutbag.

This was Upsi's trauma. It is Upsi's decision about whether or not to let Charity back in to her own blogging life...All I was pressing for was tempering the outrage from those of us who were not Charity's target. On the one hand, Cali-Dear puts literally all of the responsibility on Upsi's shoulders for making the decision on whether or not to "allow" Charity back into the community; on the other, she attempts to control the feelings of everyone else, thereby staking her actual claim on the Power she seems desperate for. It's almost like she was declaring war by pitting herself against Upsi, declaring herself the moderator, and single-handedly dismissing every one of Upsi's "mindless followers." Cal completely set herself up as the yin to Upsi's yang, by maneuvering herself into a position where Upsi would be pitted against her, and our community would become divided. She includes herself in that list of people who were not Charity's target, merely as a means to fool people into believing she had ever been "one of us." My opinion? Cal's Sis has only ever been one for herself, which means she's alienated herself by raising herself to a superior position over the rest of us from the start.

And you know what? Even if I'm way off my fucking rocker on this one, suffice it to say that this shit pisses me off: I am at the stage where if someone fucks up big time once, and cops to it (even if a few days late) I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if Cal isn't on some crazy-ass power trip and hellbent on destroying Upsi, I'd grow a nut and then bet on it that Cal believes we're all supposed to feel the same way she does, which is, ironically enough, what she later claimed was Upsi's thang. In this phrase, I see someone who wanted her audience to give Charity the "benefit of the doubt" just because she was stupid enough to. Cal probably figured that the people willing to give Charity the benefit of the doubt would be the ones most likely to stick around if Upsi's "Great Empire" collapsed.

On October 7, 2012, Cal also wrote a post, titled "Something Sad" where she first went on in an apparent show of false-sympathy for Upsi before then diving into more pro-Charity, and subtly anti-Upsi rhetoric: "[Charity's] apology had excuses in it, but was also abjectly full of self-loathing and shame...I have been...asking everyone to temper their negative judgement of Charity a little, given that she really does seem to be a borderline personality. I worry that...we are too quick to completely dismiss someone when they make a bad mistake. I see many hard lines drawn, complete condemnation of this person who has stumbled so badly and exercised such terrible judgement. But Charity...decided to confess the truth in order to spare Upsi...This latter is getting lost in all the anger against the original letter and the subsequent deception about it... It's too early to know exactly the nature of Charity's remorse. Her confession was full of mitigations about her meds and confusion. It could and should have been put better, cleaner, with complete accountability. But it is a start, and I want to err on the side of compassion...I believe she'd do anything to undo what she's done... I am expressing a hope. That we can all find a way to extend a little compassion to a fellow-sufferer who made a terrible mistake and then clumsily tried to take responsibility for it."

By October 16, 2012, Cal had pulled that post. I suppose her reason could be that the post "seemed redundant" to her, that she "felt a little differently about Charity's behavior as some days passed," and that the history-deletion could be chalked up to a process called "shifting one's perspective," as she would later claim when Upsi inquired about the change; but I have a feeling it's not quite that simple. In the post she pulled, Cal talked at length about how deserving of compassion and forgiveness Charity was and how she had just made a "bad mistake" that could have been apologized for in a more graceful way. She went into further detail than in her comments on Upsi's original post about what Charity was feeling and thinking. She called, continually, for the entire ACoN blogging community to show "compassion" for Charity, who, in her opinion, deserved it MORE than Upsi. And, quite possibly more important than all of those facts, are some of the twenty nine comments made on that post, where Cali-Dear flip-flops on her "Save-Charity" position several times, and her blog emerges as the 'safe zone' for people who were too intimidated by the all those pesky "negative emotions" that came as a result of the "Charity dust-up" to comment on our posts about it, let alone (gasp!) start (and keep!) blogs of their own.

I saw talk, in both comments and in posts on Cal's blog, about their apparent need for a "safe place." And that kind of language brings me back to the days of Coleman, when several of us were accused of encroaching on the estranged parents' "safe space" within the Coleman forum for estranged parents, before being asked to leave and take our opinions elsewhere. Short-term blogger Maree came to this post on my blog, left comments that rubbed me the wrong way, and then retreated to Cal's blog when I expressed my thoughts about her bizarre commentary. Cal welcomed her with open arms, stating "You'll be safe here." You know, since I "attacked" her here and all that. Several other bloggers flocked to Cal Sis as well, seemingly in a show of ultimate unification and solidarity to the Penguin who seems to greatly enjoy the pedestal she's been placed on.

In her October 12, 2012 post titled, "Thoughts About Blogging And Community," Cal seemed to start taking the consensus that her blog is the be-all, end-all of "safe zones" to heart, and talked in earnest about her role as lobbyist for those who don't want their shit "judged." Again, what do I see? I see someone who is trying desperately to make herself the "head," the "master," the "Queen." I see someone who is setting herself up to be a beacon, as Upsi is a beacon for our community. I see someone trying to cut the sheep from the flock in order to herd them in her direction. I see someone who has been, for quite some time now, trying to force the community to see it her way or else be labeled "judgemental," "inconsiderate," and "unempathetic."

Cal's post, "Nobody's Straw Man" proved to be my last straw, and the URL of that post says it all: "Perhaps there is no us." Well, slap me around and call me Susan, if that wasn't her entire motive, than I don't know what would have been. Because, you see, if she's nobody's straw man and she can't be everybody's savior, well then, I guess there is no "us," right? Within that post and the related comments, I saw a lot of shit going down that only managed to strengthen my conviction that Cal has been secretly after the "throne" from day one.

First, please allow me to rake the post itself for evidence. Cal spent a good deal of her time, once again, subtly insinuating blame by pointing fingers at those-who-shall-remain-nameless: "I have noticed a few threads on some other blogs..." "Then people run riffs..." "It is a commenter's occupational hazard that when people read comments they will hear what they hear and feel what they feel." She makes a ton of references to "people" and "blogs" but never mentions names specifically, even though it's clear, at least to me, exactly who she's referring to. She completely disregarded people who had taken the time to express their feelings that she had scolded them in prior posts and comments: "Just because someone feels scolded or "reprimanded" does not mean that I was scolding or reprimanding anyone." She paints both Charity and herself as victims: "These 'translations' [of my words] are distortions of what I actually said:  unfair, unkind, and transfer a target off of the original offender's back (Charity) onto mine." She again trots out the old claim that we're the ones who've misunderstood her: "People are of course free to 'hear' me however they choose." She lords her age and worldly-experience over those of us who dare not consent to her ways of thinking: "I work in a profession that requires respectful and frequent arguments;  I often reconsider my positions, and am usually the first to admit when I've made an error in judgement." She flipflops on her position concerning Charity: "I 'erred' on the side of suggesting that the betrayer (Charity) be given a little compassion as well, before realizing that she probably did not deserve it." She throws out nasty jibes about how "bitter" the rest of us must be, to not be in the same emotional place that she is: "Your history with narc bloggers is longer than mine and you have a deeper well of bitter experience." And she ties it all up nicely with commentary about how there is no "we." No "us." No "community."

Well, move over Batman, 'cause Mayor Rancid-Bitch has just come to town. Is it any wonder why Upsi went on to point out that Cal might as well can the subterfuge and just come out and say that it was her words and her blog that were being referenced? Is it any wonder that she reiterated her feeling that Cal had been scolding us in terms of how we'd handled Charity's insanity? Is it any wonder that she'd call Cal out on her vague allusions to Upsi's very specific analyses?

Well, it's no wonder to me, although it sure seemed to throw Cal and her followers for a loop.

I got involved when blogger Trisha insinuated that Q1605 was actually a narcissist who had collected his own "blind followers" by creating them AND their blogs. When I asked Trisha to specify who, precisely, she was claiming had false identities, she did not answer. I went on and directed the question at her a second time, telling her I'd be interested in her answer. When I went on to check a third time, she had deleted her initial comments and I stated that the deletion of her comments was evidence to me that she had read my question and was, in fact, ignoring it.

Shortly after that, Cal "accidentally" deleted my questions, claimed she tried to restore them but was too stupid to do so, and then offered (multiple times) for me to re-submit them.

After much commentary back and forth between myself and Queen Rancid-Bitch, I've come to the following conclusion: Caliban's Sister is a revisionist who deletes posts and comments that don't jive with her latest bullshit. She can spin a pretty picture and plant many a seed in the minds of the weaker-willed folks out there, and it isn't beneath her to play dumb if she thinks it'll make her look good. She panders to whichever crowd she's talking to and can be cited ALL OVER THE PLACE for flipflopping her position on multiple points. She has staked her claim as the "savior" and says that SHE is the final word on who is allowed to be classified as "evil." If you haven't run that label by her, you ought to, because she'll attempt to skewer you if you've incorrectly labeled someone as such. She's a master-manipulator and wants to be seen as the friend-of-all-enemy-of-none. She "tidies up the truth" whenever and wherever it suits her. She's a champion of fucking nutters and abusers alike. And I just plain fucking dislike her.

Hey, Cal's Sis?

SUCK.
MY.
DICK.


*If anyone is interested, at any point in time, in reading transcripts of any of Cal's posts and/or commentary, I'll gladly supply it, as will my friend Upsi-pants. The truth is in the details, and if you ever want the evidence, I have no problem sharing it.

Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot Runs For Mayor In ACoN Town

I'm just going to come right out and say it; I'm not going to imply it, nor am I going to flower it up with pretty words. Let there be no mistake, I am making a direct comparison between Caliban's Sister and Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot (ie Penguin), a DC comics supervillain from Batman. I see a major resemblance between the two. Just saying.


From Batman Returns (1992):  

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman: You're not the mayor.
The Penguin:
Things change.

The Penguin: True. I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two.

The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.

The Penguin: You gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell.

The Penguin: They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!

The Penguin: Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!

The Penguin: You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!

The Penguin: Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
Catwoman: No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.   

The Penguin: [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless *as a baby*, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!

The Penguin: Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I wish I could hand out World Peace and Unconditional Love, wrapped in a big bow.
The Penguin: [Watching from behind the sewer grill] Oh, but you can! Oh, but you will!

From New Earth:

The Penguin: Oh, c'mon... I've wanted nothing to do with this psycho from the start. I do one favor for someone and suddenly I'm taking all the heat for someone else's dirty work. It's just not fair!

The Penguin: But one thing, at least, was clear to me from a tender age... it's a cold, cold world.

The Penguin: What impresses me most about me is that, given everything I went through, everything I overcame... I didn't just get back up. I didn't merely find my feet...I found something else, something I was great at.

The Penguin: Do you ever question it? Why you protect them? And why you drag me in here, even knowing my lawyers will have me out within the hour?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Jonestown

jones·town/ˈjōnzˌtoun/

A former religious settlement in Guyana, established by Reverend Jim Jones, who led 911 of his followers to a mass suicide in 1978.

Ever feel like this when the narcs are knocking at your door?

 Jonestown
by Concrete Blonde

Sheep are running scared tonight
The cows are coming home
They cling together terrified
Afraid to be alone

The bees are buzzing around the queen
Waiting for a word
The ? are ? the scene
Collectively absurd

They're looking for Jesus
They're looking for more
Just what are they looking up here to me for
They're looking for someone
They're looking for Christ
They're looking for some human sacrifice
It looks like Jonestown again
It looks like Jonestown
It looks like Jonestown again
It looks like Jonestown

They don't know who to run to
They don't know where to go
Unless you tell them what to think
They don't know what they know

Repeating the commercial
Something they have heard
From someone not they someone else
Somebody good with words

I think they're looking for an answer
They're looking for more
Just what are they looking up here to me for
They're looking for Jesus
They're looking for Christ
They're looking for some human sacrifice
It looks like Jonestown again
It looks like Jonestown again
It looks like Jonestown again
It looks like Jonestown again

They're looking for an answer
They're looking for more
Just what are you looking up here to me for
They're looking for Jesus
They're praying for Christ
They're looking for some human sacrifice
It looks like Jonestown
It looks like Jonestown
It looks like Jonestown
It looks like Jonestown
Jonestown
Jonestown

 *If anyone knows what my missing lyrics are, I'd love to know. I've never been able to figure them out and I can't find any lyrics online that indicate there's anyone out there who does. One of the world's great mysteries, I suppose.
*Concrete Blonde is one of my favorite bands. I highly recommend their cover of Leonard Cohen's song "Everybody Knows" as well as "Joey" and "Roses Grow." Just a few of my favorites.

True Story

What does a narcissist say when you tell her, "I love you!"

[Wait for it]

She says, "Me too!"
Me. On a swing. Having fun.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Moralization Of Spaghetti And Meatballs

There's been a little bit of a kerfuffle over one of NSIL's tweets that I wrote about in this post, and I'm thinking I need to start back at square one and better explain my feelings on that particular subject. On October 8, 2012, NSIL tweeted this: Mama made spaghetti and meatballs and apple pie...i am loved. Taken out of context, viewed at face value, or examined as coming from someone who's mother doesn't have a history of emotionally abusing her children, it could very well have been relatively meaningless. But I read that tweet and immediately recalled the time that NMIL came to see us in the hospital after DS was born and practically tripped over herself in order to deliver a jab at DH's weight from her seemingly endless supply of subtle insults. I read that tweet and immediately thought of all the times she called DH or his sister "big boned" or commented on how much they liked to eat. I read that tweet and recalled that both DH and his sister had been overfed as children which resulted in lifelong weight issues and obvious complexes about their size. I read that tweet and immediately thought of the instance when she blamed her eighty-pound pregnancy weight gain on DH, and then used the whole thing, to my complete astonishment, as yet another way to make fun of DH's weight, rather than take responsibility for the simple fact that she overate while pregnant with him. She said, "I gained 80 pounds! I was huge! I ate everything I wanted. In fact, I ate DH-sized sandwiches. I ate as much as DH! Isn't that so funny?" Then she proceeded to list off all the things she would eat for breakfast everyday that amounted to that weight gain, all the while slipping in those subtle jabs about DH's weight.

NSIL is a girl who rarely gets attention from her mother, and when she does, it usually takes the form of subtle criticism and manipulations. NSIL only gets attention when her mother wants something, and, just like I'm sure she did with her apple pie, she binges on it until it makes her sick. It makes her so sick that I'm betting the very next day she was puking up that lovely apple pie in the toilet because her NMommy has always taught her that it's bad, oh-so-bad, to be fat. And, given what she's learned, NSIL knows that there is no in between for her, that it's never been an option to just be healthy. She either gets to be the fat, ugly girl, or the beautiful, skinny girl (who always gets reminded of how fat she is, thereby never achieving the perfection her NM expects).

I married DH, who is also the child of the Mama that makes spaghetti and meatballs to show her love and I have NO doubts whatsoever that the bitch used food as a way to emotionally abuse him and to control him while he was growing up. It probably started from infancy and here's what that would have looked like: That baby is crying, I'd better give him a bottle, that'll make him shut up. Because in NMIL's world, there has probably never been any room for compassion and empathy, both of which are required to parent well. She didn't have the knowledge or desire to listen to that crying baby to try and make sense of what he really needed. A baby isn't hungry every time he cries, though he will learn pretty quickly to shush up if someone keeps putting food in his mouth. And so, from the get go, he was overfed. His NM didn't bother to think about it any deeper than that. DH was a fat baby. He was overweight. Not chubby, healthy-chubby, like all newborns. He was rotund. I recall seeing one picture of him where he looked like the stay-puffed marshmallow man. I know a lot about infant nutrition and I've been around enough little ones to know that for them to be overweight is not healthy. And as he continued to get older, she continued to overfeed him.

It's my belief that children don't make themselves fat. Their parents do. By offering too much food, and the wrong kinds of food, and not setting limits, and not encouraging exercise or healthy eating habits, and not modeling good eating habits themselves. But children, even the ones who are naturally heavier, don't just get fat on their own. They have so much growing to do, and are so active by their very nature, that no child becomes obese unless they have a very serious medical condition or someone overfeeds them. And I see the latter as a kind of abuse, in and of itself.

Now, take a girl who has an obvious eating disorder; who is already pressured by the unnatural standards of the society around her, who frequently expresses the desire to be skinny. Then, offer that same girl attention in only one regard: through food. And what you'll get at the end of the day is a girl who's just as emotionally starving as she was before you stuffed your delicious and fattening apple pie into her mouth. I'm betting that she couldn't possibly have refused the meal because she would have been treated to a terrible guilt trip and she doesn't have the skills to handle it. I'm also betting that immediately after the meal was over, or shortly after that, her NM made sure to throw one of her famous jibes out at her daughter's weight. One of those underhanded numbers that you don't quite figure out until later, when the moment has passed and it seems like far too petty a thing to go back and comment on: "You always DID have quite the appetite" or "Gee, you ate like you haven't eaten in MONTHS" or "If [DH's childhood nickname] were here, you'd have given him a run for his money! He's probably the only person who could have out-eaten you!"

For the record, she didn't say those last three comments. At least not in front of me. But I wouldn't have put it past her because she did make similar ones to DH in front of me that were so subtle, they even went over my head, so that I didn't fully understand what she had been implying until seconds too late.

NMIL is someone who does not give unless there is something in it for her. And that includes the giving of food. I've always said to DH that the ONLY thing, literally the ONLY thing that could ever even remotely be construed as good about that woman, in my opinion, is that she is a good cook. But really, in the scheme of things, her skills as a parent don't hinge on her ability to cook meatloaf. Feeding our children is, indeed, a need we must meet, but there are many others that NMIL has never met. And the fact that she "fed" her children does not, nor will it ever, make her a good mom. I stand by my opinion that anyone who ties being fed with feeling loved has some very serious emotional issues.

I've got to quote both Upsi and Pronoia Agape here as well, for making some fantastic points concerning their observations about was so very wrong with this particular tweet from NSIL.

Upsi wrote, "...when a parent lacks empathy for their child and is unable to emotionally tune in, feeding them a meal like that is no substitute for the love they require. The meal itself is not the issue - the issue is food being a charged subject for people who grew up needing love and empathy and maybe only getting fattening food and then remarks about how chubby they are getting.

PA wrote, "That's what their "love" is and does. An unhealthy, calorie-packed meal as proof of love for a girl who seems so eager to lose weight and might be starving herself much of the time. There's a metaphor in there...this whole situation is just so descriptive of the messed-up dynamic that it would be impossible to imagine, wouldn't it, for the girl to declare she was loved after her mother prepared chicken breast or fish in a veggie sauce with a nice salad. Because the mother wouldn't show her love that way. Perhaps because she knows her daughter has body image issues. Perhaps because she's the one carefully nurturing those issues."

So the ugly cycle is: NM nurtures the child's poor self-esteem by constantly being critical, while simultaneously creating life-long eating disorders that only contribute to the child's feelings of worthlessness; then, the child binges on the NM's "love," feeling like that is the only way she ever gets attention. Apple pie? I'm thinking more like toxic pie.

**Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against spaghetti and meatballs, apple pie, pumpkin pie, various cheeses, pot roast, or any other kind of food you can imagine. No meatballs have been harmed in the writing of this blog post.

Monday, October 15, 2012

#nsilsworld

The following is a selection of tweets from NSIL that I'm going to be dissecting for the purpose of furthering my understanding of how the malignant narcissist's mind works as well as delving deeper into the world that DH came from. DH and I have had a number of discussions about his sister over the past few days, in part because she has always been a weak spot for him and we're wondering, with the holidays coming up, what kinds of bombs might be dropped on him in regards to her. As with all of my past tweet analyses, the following tweets are merely a sampling of the total that are available; I pick the ones that stand out the most to me as being particularly narcissistic in their delivery. I'm going to be handling my analysis a little differently this time in that I'm going to include my responses to some of the tweets that are most disturbing to me. I'd say "enjoy" but I think we all know that this isn't really an enjoyable process. Enlightening, perhaps. But not enjoyable. [My thoughts and, in some cases responses are in red]

September 21, 2012
Grudges are stupid so everyone is my friend now hello
This is clearly a lie aimed at pacification. Though we have no idea what issue NSIL was apparently holding a grudge about, it seems to me that she is content to use twitter as a means to publicize every emotional-fart she has and then move on from it without ever truly making an attempt at problem-solving. She has falsely attributed negativity to grudges because she has been taught to see anger as a bad thing: for NSIL, holding anyone accountable for their transgressions is not allowed, so she has learned to let everything go. This kind of thinking, in my opinion, is what has led her to fill her life with an astounding number of assholes, users, and abusers. I don't think she really believes that "everyone is her friend" any more than she believes that anger is stupid. Instead, she probably feels that she is not allowed to be angry, and therefore chooses not to deal with it for any longer than it takes to tweet about it.

September 21, 2012
I'm too generous, it's a problem
So, is this the same girl who, just a few hours before tweeted about how "grudges are so stupid" and "everyone is her friend"? Now, she is tweeting about how she feels taken advantage of. Isn't that what this translates to? Being generous is generally considered a good thing, according to most people. But claiming that she is too generous says to me that she probably feels that she is giving too much to too many people who are not necessarily giving anything in return. NSIL is claiming that she is a giver and everyone else is a taker. And yet, we're supposed to believe that this girl, a self-proclaimed "friend of all," doesn't hold any grudges against the people who are taking too much of what she is willingly offering. I'm not buying that shit.

September 22, 2012
cant feel NOTHIN

September 23, 2012
This girl is FINALLY getting a new car. #hallelujah #beamer #benz #orbentley #imthinkinallthree
Yes folks, someone did apparently buy her a new car. No, it was not a Beamer, Benz, or a Bentley, though, from the pictures she posted, it is a nice ride. It's an interesting gift to have gotten, considering her recent decision to drop out of college and move back home, but I don't think the two events are unrelated, nor do I doubt the list of strings attached. When I read that her parents were buying her a car, I immediately tried to understand the likely connection between her decision to drop out of school and her NM's decision to buy her a car. To me, it almost seemed that the car was a reward for NSIL's choice to move back home. Why? Perhaps NMIL is so eager not to "lose this child" as she's "lost DH" that she's willing to buy herself a little more time by way of expensive and flashy material bullshit. Perhaps she really wanted NSIL to come home (even though, in the scheme of things it looks "bad" for her to have an "unsuccessful" daughter). Perhaps she already has future plans concerning how she'll use the car as a means to control NSIL, after all, what is the likelyhood that NSIL legally owns the thing or that the bills and registration are in her name? It's more likely that the car, which NSIL was probably desperate for (because car equals freedom, right?) will just be a tool for manipulation down the road. And beyond all of that, the bigger the bling, the stronger the strings, right? Look how generous Mommy is, buying her derelict daughter a car. Boy, if NSIL doesn't make it now...well, no one can blame Mommy-Dearest, right? After all, she DID buy her that nice new car and all.

September 23, 2012
#IfYouKnowMe you know I do what I want
Curious, what do you consider to be "knowing you?" Are you talking, passed-you-on-the-street-knowing-you, or shared-the-elevator-with-you-knowing-you, or born-out-of-the-same-vagina-as-you-knowing-you? Let me just say, I know you enough to know that you do what your NM manipulates you into doing. And that's not "doing what you want" in my book. Beyond that, I've never much liked people who say things like, "I do what I want." It comes off sounding incredibly selfish, which again, sounds about right on par with who you are.

September 23, 2012
Could I go to sleep for a couple of days
NSIL tweets a whole lot about her insomnia, and I believe that she's not lying about it. It is my understanding, both through research and personal experience, that contrary to popular belief, those who are depressed usually sleep very little, rather than sleep too much. You know that portrait of the depressed individual who spends her time sleeping the day away? From what I have learned, that is simply not accurate. Those who are depressed may spend a lot of time in bed, but they don't do a whole lot of sleeping. It would be remiss of me to make such a statement as a point in fact, and I welcome criticism on the subject, but that is the conclusion I have come to. And so, NSIL's constant tweets about being in bed at odd hours but never being able to sleep, or having restless sleep in general, all point to the (rather unsurprising and not exactly newsworthy) theory that she is deep in a pit of depression.

September 25, 2012
I need that sleep water or Zzzquil or sleeping pills or a blunt right now

September 25, 2012
sick&sad

September 25, 2012
In one of those I hate the world, don't look or talk to me, moods. Fuck Tuesdays
Why do I have the feeling that everyday is one of those days for her and that "I hate the world, don't talk to me" is the only mood she's capable of, other than, perhaps the rare, extreme, and polar opposite moments she has when she's "just so excited!" When she expresses thoughts like these (which are often) it makes all those pictures of her smiling self so much creepier. The two don't match up: her smiling face and her despairing thoughts just don't mesh.

September 25, 2012
They told me to worry about my self & my self only. Maybe that's just how it's going to be.

September 26, 2012
dobby has no master dobby is a free elf
This one annoyed me at first glance and disturbed me at second. She's quoting Dobby from J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series for those of you who don't know; and I don't think there is really a whole lot of explanation needed as to what it was that Dobby was saying. He was a slave who became a free elf, so naturally, NSIL was trying to say that she was enslaved but has either been set free or escaped. The disturbing part for me is that [Spoiler! Spoiler!] in the final book of the series, Dobby dies. Now, I highly doubt NSIL took that into consideration when she thought it up to use as a "symbol of her rebellion" or whatever, but still, I found it to be disturbing. And of course, most disturbing of all, is that NSIL seems to think she has even remotely broken away from the puppet master who is still very much running the show.

September 26, 2012
I'm hilarious and if you don't agree you're irrelevant.

September 26, 2012
So motherfucking bored.
Yeah. It must be boring picking out your new car and getting your hair and nails done and throwing parties every weekend and not having a job or going to school. More likely, you're just resenting the fact that NM has been gallivanting around the States, going on lavish vacations with her boyfriend (excuse me) fiance and leaving you behind, all alone in that big, empty house.

September 26, 2012
hope you realize
What? Who? Are you talking to me? I just love the fact that NSIL uses Twitter like a virtual diary but never gets any further in her analysis of life than writing 120 characters about it and then moving on. And the reason she keeps tweeting about the same shit is because she's too lazy to do anything about her crappy life and so she just keeps reliving it from moment to moment, hour to hour, and day to day. Like most of the other tweeters out there, she writes in such vague terms that it's often impossible to tell who or what she's talking about. Twitter is essentially just the virtual toilet paper she wipes her virtual ass with. She's just clogging shit up with it.

September 28, 2012
I lick the gun when I'm done cause revenge is sweet

September 29, 2012
You're not even worth it

September 29, 2012
Can't believe I will finally have a nice car. people, do you remember when the jeep would take ten mins to start?

September 29, 2012
I'M DONE. The shit I hear lol

September 29, 2012
did a little switcherrooo and got a more bad ass whip. check insta soon yall

September 29, 2012
If anyone is finna see my new whip and get crazy tonight, come over #NSILSWORLD #LAMBORGHINI #MERCY #PARTY

September 30, 2012
I just wanna have confidence
This commentary is so insanely obnoxious to me. Like, what? She thinks that tweeting about wanting confidence is going to make it miraculously show up on her damn doorstep one day?

October 1, 2012
Those who are the hardest to love...Need it the most.
Let's just read into those dot dot dots: Those who are the hardest to love (like me!) need it the most. First of all, what the hell does that mean, "hardest to love?" To me, it sounds like she's all caught up in what amounts to self-flagellating crap where she's "whipping herself" for being such a loser/joke/idiot/fool/hag. And aw, don't we all just feel so bad for her, since she somehow needs more love than the rest of us because she's just such an awful person that in fact no one currently loves her? So, what she's saying is that she gets no love because she is unlovable and she's unlovable because she gets no love. That kind of mentality just about sums up any ACoN I've ever known who hasn't made it out of their dysfunctional role. She's creating her own circle of self-hatred and seems to not know (or want to learn) how to break it.

October 1, 2012
I'm too smart for college
Minor correction: College. is too smart. for you.

October 1, 2012
someone text me and make me smile #badday #badmood #badmonth
Um yeah, quick someone, text her and make her smile, before she attempts to kill herself and then blames the world for not texting her in time. And by the way, Holy-Demanding-Dickheads, Batman!

October 2, 2012
someone lay with me and give me a massage

October 2, 2012
i would absolutely LOVE to shave my head or cut my hair super short. it is the ultimate test of self confidence. #propstomiley #tooscared

October 2, 2012
"We accept the love we think we deserve.."
Does she have any idea what this even means? And if so, what the hell she gonna do about it? It's really quite obvious: If she would just quit accepting her NM's "love" then maybe her life would start to move forward.

October 3, 2012
moms tellin me to date the cute boy addicted to heroin on rehab with dr.drew. good advice mama.
The tweets about Mommy Dearest are so, so telling. When I read this one, DH and I talked about it for a while, trying to imagine how that conversation went. We figured that NMIL walked by NSIL, who was watching some t.v. show and glanced at it long enough to see the "cute" boy, whom she then used to taunt her daughter (who desperately wants a boyfriend). The thing is that even NSIL realized the cruelty in that comment; both because NMIL didn't really care enough to pay attention to the fact that the "cute boy" was a heroin addict and that, even if she had, that probably wouldn't have stopped her from suggesting it anyway. And of course, beyond that, is the cruel joking going on at NSIL's expense.

October 4, 2012
All I know is that I won't be able to handle a replay of the past

October 4, 2012
people i need help. should i dye my weave like this [picture of a model]
I think it's pretty clear that she needs help on a much deeper level than what color she should dye her hair.

October 4, 2012
she had hair so long it look like weave [picture of herself in the mirror, obviously showing off her “weave”]

October 4, 2012
bouta get ttRiiiPPppYYy with [a friend who’s still in highschool]

October 4, 2012
YOU ARE ALL SO STUPID FOR NOT GOING TO [concert at a club that’s actually near our house] OMG I MET PAULY D
Gotta admit, I zeroed in on this one both because of the subject matter (anyone who's excited about meeting "Pauly D" is a few beers short of a sixpack, if you ask me) and because of the fact that NSIL was only about fifteen minutes away from our house. I can't tell you how many times DH expressed frustration and sadness over the fact that, even when NSIL got her liscense two years ago, she still never showed even a slight interest in coming to visit us. When she first started driving, I told DH that it wouldn't be realistic to expect her to drive to our house for a while because she was still a new driver and it was a lot of highway driving; but we both knew that she was never going to come, even with plenty of driving time under her belt. Her lack of driving experience didn't have anything to do with the fact that she wasn't coming to visit. Her lack of interest in DH's life however, did.

October 5, 2012
pretty sure i burned off everything i ate in the past 18 years dancing
Pretty sure that you're obsessed with losing weight and that no matter how much weight you lose or how skinny you get, you're still going to be miserable.

October 5, 2012
everyone home this weekend HMUUUUU

October 5, 2012
i challenge anyone that says THEIR bed is the comfiest because mine is the comfiest in all the land [tweeted at roughly 1:30 in the afternoon]
One of many tweets about how she's in bed in the middle of the afternoon as a result of her late-night partying and insomnia.

October 5, 2012
Annoyed as fuck. Dont use me to party at my house people. and dont steal my damn dog.
But wait, wasn't she just inviting everyone and anyone to her house for a party? This girl spends about as much time telling people she "isn't having a party" as she does telling them that she is. And then she shows resentment when people show up at her house to party, or when she puts herself out there to be used. I find it annoying that she willingly offers herself and her shit up to people because she thinks it will make her more popular or loved, and then turns around and complains about how "everyone is using her" and the type to show up at her house are the type to steal her dog.

October 5, 2012
showed mom my outfit for pretty lights and she said it looks like something marilyn would wear.. [variety of happy face icons and heart icons]
This is one of the most disturbing tweets to me. I read this and said, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. That bitch's parenting liscense should have been revoked YEARS ago. First of all, you can just hear NSIL's deep-seeded and ever-unmet need for approval in this type of commentary; like she's just dying for attention from her mother and when she gets it, she is over the moon. What this also tells me is that NMIL knows that Marilyn Monroe is NSIL's icon and that she is encouraging it; and has been for a long time. And this kills me! MM is one of the LAST women I would encourage my daughter to choose as a role model. As TW said, MM is a cautionary tale, at best, not someone to model your damn life after. This comment from NMIL just smacks of cruelty to me and I truly believe that it is all intentional.

October 5, 2012
shouldn't care but i do

October 6, 2012
Im a good nurturer, if im with you and and i like you a a person and you're beyond fucked up i promise i'lll take care of you.

October 6, 2012
I'm ecuadorian so I'm allowed to talk bad about spaniards if i want, IGHT?!

October 6, 2012
banger in [slang for town nearby] errybody go

October 7, 2012
i miss you

October 7, 2012
Waiting for someone who understands. aka no one.
I read this and was like, "Where the hell are her millions of fucking friends?" I mean, I know the answer to that: What fucking friends? No one she knows is a friend, she's all alone in the world. It just kills me that she has so many people in her life who don't give a shit about her. And then I get to feeling sad for DH, who was that alone for so long too. NSIL has opened up a world of understanding for us in terms of DH's own past, and though it's a sad one, I think it's really important that we examine it for a while longer. There is just so much here, sad and depressing as it is, for DH to learn about himself. The other thing that makes me sad about this is that, if she was just willing to stop bitching and moaning; to start making some different life choices; and if she was willing to open up a line of communication between herself and her brother, things could be very different. She doesn't have to be alone. I know they all walk around saying that it's JONSI who hates THEM, and that's why we are estranged, but that's simply not true. Even now, if NSIL was willing to make some changes in her life (I will admit, they would have to be extreme) then I would not have a problem with her being a part of our lives. I would have liked to have been her friend and I think I could have made a good one to her. I also realize that if she were to ever hear that, she'd probably laugh uncontrollably and reanimate her own hatred for me. So she can just "wait for someone to understand" all she wants. She's still going to be alone, because the one person in life who could have understood her the most is not going to come to her. He just can't do it.

October 8, 2012
I couldn't care less what you think about me or what I'm doing with my life.
This is a lie. She cares a hell of a whole lot about what people think about her and what she's doing with her life.

October 8, 2012
I don't want perfect, I want honest.
This is also a lie. She can no more listen to the truth than she can walk away from her toxic mother. Those two actions go hand-in-hand and likely can't occur without each other.

October 8, 2012
Mama made spaghetti and meatballs and apple pie...i am loved
After the Marilyn comment, this one is the second most disturbing to me because everyone who has even half a brain knows that this represents an obviously toxic system of beliefs. Anyone who ties food with love has some very serious issues that they will likely be battling for the rest of their lives. I know there are so many people in our community here who's parents used food as either a punishment or a reward and who are now dealing with the long-term effects of such treatment. This comment hit close to home for me because I can see this mentality in DH too; where he confuses appreciation of food with love. It's sad to me that, when DH offers to make me food and I politely decline, he takes it personally. Just the other day, he was kindly making lunch for me, which turned out to be quite delicious and I was verbally appreciative of it. He told me, "I don't know what I like better; when I make food for myself and you ask for it because it's good, or when I make you something and you enjoy it as much as you are now." I think it's human nature to feel good when someone appreciates something you have done for them; but it's dysfunctional to tie up your self-worth with food, or in how much you can do for another person. Fuck that bitch for doing this to her children, for doing this to my husband. He's getting better about it, but I have seen DH look so damn rejected if he asks to make me food and I say, "No thank you." Because for him, food equals love, and if you say no to the food, you're saying no to the love. People, spaghetti and meatballs and apple pie is not love. It's just spaghetti and meatballs and apple pie.

October 8, 2012
Finna work at Hooters
[Sigh]. Though I'm tempted to get into my thoughts on why Hooters is such an insulting, demeaning, and classless establishment, I'll just say this: I don't believe that any woman with any real self-esteem would eat there, let alone work there.

October 8, 2012
I wish it was acceptable for girls to be bald cause I would chop this mane of right now
This one confuses me a bit. She tweets so many pictures of her long hair, and talks about it incessantly, but then comes out with this one, about how badly she wants to be bald. Maybe she's trying to prove that she's courageous or that she "doesn't care" what people think and all that, but she's really failing miserably. First of all, I don't think she could hack it if she cut her hair short, let alone shaved her head; and secondly, she really fails to walk the walk when we get down to the business at hand. I really think she's trying too hard to pull off the "rebellious teenager" thing. It would have been more rebellious of her to stay at school and to call her brother than it is for her to smoke crack and shave her head or whatever. I think everybody's expecting her to go off the deep end, a'la Britney Spears circa 2009. Nobody would have expected her to walk away from the bullshit. She's just living up to the role, not rebelling from it.

October 8, 2012
Guy Friend: I can always drop out of school and make a strip club/cat rescue shelter and call it Titties & Kitties. Meeeeeeeeeeoww
NSIL: i wanna be the star
Aspiring to greatness, I see.

October 9, 2012
i wonder what you're thinking about

October 9, 2012
Don't tell me I need to accept myself the way I am. If I can change it I will.
A lot of talk. No follow through.

October 9, 2012
Do I get a discount for being cute
No. In some places, you'll get raped for it though.

October 10, 2012
God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers.
Funny note about this one: Exhibit A also tweeted this, which I believe is a quote from Marilyn Monroe. Clearly, these girls think that they are some of God's "toughest soldiers." But I'm going to go ahead and disagree with that sentiment.

October 10, 2012
Guys are either attractive and assholes or ugly and nice. No in between.

October 10, 2012
My boobs used to be SO big wtf man
Tends to happen when you wake up and decide not to eat. There is quite a bit of fat tissue in that particular spot. I have a feeling that she knows this and is therefore tweeting about how much smaller her boobs are (or she thinks they are) because she's hoping she can subtly lay the groundwork to all of her followers that she's getting skinnier. And if she can maintain the weight, she'll just have NMommy buy her a new pair in a few years.

October 11, 2012
I know the only words that you have for me are give up and get out

October 11, 2012
I am human and I need to loved

October 11, 2012
Wearing mamma moneys bra lawl
This one was actually originally tweeted by one of NSIL's "friends" who is still in highschool and who she is apparently hanging out with quite a bit because all of her "real friends" are at college. Anyway, this one was a bit eery to me and sparked a couple of thoughts that I then discussed with DH. Those thoughts were 1) That a lot of people seem to like to call NMIL "Mommy," "Mama," or some other variation thereof and 2) That NMIL likes to give out her bras to a lot of people. In terms of people calling NMIL "Mama," I have a short story to tell you, and that is that before I met NMIL, I remember asking DH if I could call her "Mama Dukes." I don't know why I wanted to do that, other than that I wanted to give the mother of the man that I loved a friendly name, something that could maybe just be a sweet thing between the two of us. And then I met the bitch and thought, "Um. No. That's not gonna fit." I had asked DH if I could call his mother that, and then she asked his mother if I could call her that, though I can't remember what her response was. I don't think she seemed to care either way. Anyway, I remember the first time we went to her house for me to meet her and we pulled up the driveway and got out of DH's car. NMIL was standing at the front door, she walked out, with her two dogs running around and yipping happily. And I saw her standing there and said, "Hi, Mama Dukes!" sine I figured it wouldn't be weird or anything, because DH had already asked her if I could call her that. She ignored it, and in fact, if I remember correctly, she ignored me. She said hello to DH, but not to me; and didn't respond at all to my greeting. So I dropped that immediately. I find it funny though, that so many of DH and NSIL's friends all like to call NMIL "Mom." Like they all wish she was really their mother or something, you know, since she's so fucking "cool" or "bang-able" and all that. And on the bra thing: fucking creepy dude. She gave me bras once, all the while making weird underhanded comments about the size of my tits or whatever (I was pregnant and they were pretty comically large). But like, does she make a habit of this? Lending out her bras so that she can just feel like "one of the girls?" Eesh.

October 13, 2012
I knew there was a reason I shouldn't put in effort.

October 13, 2012
Why was I born with emotions

October 13, 2012
My moms view of Las Vegas...WHY AM I NOT THERE [Pic of said view]
Seeing as how NMIL is engaged and all, I'm wondering if this is it and she's out there in Vegas getting eloped. Could be. Or it could be that she's just traveling some more and sending the pictures back to her daughter to rub in the fact that she's out doing whatever the hell she wants to do while her daughter is stuck at home, all alone, with the only two friends she has in the world: her dogs.