Saturday, September 22, 2012

Skewed Reality

I keep going back to this exchange, and I couldn't figure out what else was bothering me about it until I gave it a little more thought today:

December 25, 2011
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas [sad face]
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more [angry face] they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya
Exhibit A:  sorry for swearing you, ladyyyyy [smiley face]

And then, NSIL tweeted: Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you.

So besides what I've already explained about why it bothers me [recap: NSIL puts all the blame of DH's absence on his shoulders and makes it sound as though us changing our numbers means that there is no way to contact him] take a look at what actually happened, versus what NSIL is claiming happened:

NSIL stated that the last time she had heard from DH was "a year and a half ago or more" from December 25, 2011. So, according to her, she hadn't heard from him since roughly June of 2010, and she almost makes it sound like we had also changed our numbers at that exact time.

Here's what actually happened (and, for the record, I'm only going to stick to contact that pertained directly to NSIL, since we can't be sure NMIL even told her about any of the times he only contacted her]:

- In early June 2010, DH called his sister to inquire about her birthday plans.
- In July 2010, DH called his sister several times more: once to ask again about her birthday plans, and once to wish her a happy birthday after receiving an email from her in which she told him she didn't want him to attend her party. We also sent her a birthday card with a gift card in it.
- In mid-October 2010, we went to visit them after four months of NC. NSIL was there.
- In November 2010, NMIL and NSIL attended DD's first birthday party.
- In late November 2010, DH attempted to set up a visit with NSIL. After a lot of nonsense and drama, she ended up canceling the visit, stating that she "didn't feel comfortable going without mom."
- In late November 2010, DH invited his NM and NSis to visit after Thanksgiving. Only his NM showed up.
- In mid-December 2010, NMIL and NSIL came to the hospital to meet DS after he was born.
- In mid-December 2010, DH invited NMIL and NSIL to come to our house for a Christmas visit. They never came.
- In March 2011, DH asked his NM to come to a therapy session with us. NSIL knew about this, because just a few hours after DH got off the phone with his NM, NSIL took to her twitter account to write the following comment about DH: We are all starting to forget you were ever a part of this family. I guess, because NSIL didn't like that type of contact, it doesn't count as "hearing from him" in her book.
- In July 2011, DH mailed his sister a birthday card. Maybe NMIL intercepted it. Or, maybe NSIL doesn't count that as having heard from her brother either.
- In October 2011, DH changed his cell phone number. All other contact information stayed the same, including my cell number, our house phone number, our mailing address, and our emails.

So, in NSIL's mind, she hadn't heard from DH in over eighteen months, which would put us at roughly June of 2010. In reality, the last time she'd heard from him was July 2011, with many attempts at contact before that. Her version of the truth is so skewed that it's really kind of disturbing.

Then, she came out with this whopper: Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you. This comment, which was tweeted just a few minutes after the exchange with Exhibit A, is creepy to me on many levels because it just doesn't "fit" with something a healthy and secure person would say about her brother. A boyfriend, yes. But not a sibling. And though there are no indications that DH and his sister had an incestuous relationship, I'm not at all surprised that NSIL's feelings towards him sometimes have a vaguely romantic feel. I think that the idea that's been beaten into her head from day one is that DH belonged to her. NMIL was pretty famous for objectifying both of her children: I think NSIL feels left out a little – you know it hard to lose a brother when he becomes a man and not a big toy (email from NMIL to DH in September 2009). But the idea of "being with someone" should be reserved for relationships of the romantic nature, not familial ones. And it just speaks to NSIL's unhealthy belief that her brother should have been 'with' her eternally.


  1. I can relate to this. Not to the exact same scenario or people, of course, but what I mean is that I can relate to the twisted-up half-truths, outright lies, the rewriting of history, and most of all to the reality-bending WTF??? feeling that comes from disordered personalities and sick family dynamics.


    By the way, funny how it sometimes takes half a year or longer to work your way through the smokescreen and see what's REALLY underneath it all.


  2. I get this. My NSis also believes I should "be" with her. She has an entitlement that her family should float around her in orbit, available whenever she "needs" them. That we all never appreciate her enough, are never available to her enough, don't support her enough. She can never, ever get enough of our "family" support and has such an entitlement about our position in HER life.
    It has never occurred to her to BE there for us, to offer family support to us. It's all about her and her entitlement.
    NSis also has the uncanny ability to alter reality to her rules. It only counts if it's how she wants it, when she wants it. You have to love her and be there for her how SHE wants. It always, always, always has to be on her terms and applied to the box she wants you to fill at the time.
    And the sad part for your DH is I get how frustrating it must be to run after someone to show them affection. How sad it is to not have someone ever once turned around and make ANY DAMN attempt to reach out to you. She never once tried to reach you. She never once tried to be there for you. She pouted like a child if it wasn't on her terms. She doesn't want a sibling relationship. She wants your DH to fill some void in her life. I wish I didn't understand that so perfectly, but I do.

  3. In my head I use a football field as an analogy to sell that my way or the highway thinking to myself.
    It's like somewhere back in the day we met them on the 50 yard line. Even Steven. 50/50.
    Things would be fine, but they start pushing.
    So you take a step back.
    As soon as you do they are right there with you.
    Now it's 45/55 in their favor, but no biggie because it's family.
    Then they start pushing.
    And you take a step back.
    Now it's 60/40.
    It gets easier because it just does.
    Next thing you know it's 99/1 and you have no where left to go but away.
    And you leave thinking that this will snap them back to reality and there will be a course correction and reconciliation.
    Not so much.
    Then you get the hearsay of tweets and fall out from triangulation and it's apparent to them that you don't have enough to give and it's you and not them.
    No contact doesn't make it easier.
    It makes it harder knowing that after giving all but blood that that wasn't good enough and you are worth more to them gone than you were worth to them in their life.
    What ever they hinted about you to others, can now be broadcast all over without fear of reprisal.
    And played to the hilt for maximum effect.
    In the three years since I went no contact with my mother I have heard any number of things through the grapevine.
    But not one word from HER to fix a goddamn thing.

    1. This analogy is awesome! This was my experience too (with my sister). They never come back to fix it because 1) they know they're in the wrong and 2) they're not going to give up all the free sympathy this "buys" them from people. Just imagine how many favours they're milking out of the poor souls who feel sorry for them.

  4. NSis dropped out of college already???? Holy fuck. Reading her tweets is like being duct taped to a stall in a sorority house bathroom with my eyes held open a la Clockwork Orange but my mouth taped shut. For hours. Painful is a playful understatement. If she spent half the energy doing her homework and attending to the business of going to college that she did pissing and moaning her afternoons away blaming and complaining, she might have had a chance. But she is slipping fast into the land of the lost, so lost they think they're found and they're on their way to the promised land. Arrogance is so ugly on the existentially shallow and insecure.

  5. Holding your DH somehow "responsible" is a typical tactic for NMIL to continue to evade her responsibility-and reality-in this mess. The "toy" reference is a projection on NMIL's part. She can used her "DD" in a plethora of ways: To further the "guilt" (manipulation) part of HER agenda, to exculpate herself from ANY responsibility, to transfer her rage at DH onto her "DD" while she's setting the scene for the inevitable crash-and-burn of "DD" who will become the "Identified Patient" when she ends up in Detox/Rehab/Mental Health Unit. NMIL is (in classic NP fashion) proactive as well as reactive in terms of responsibility. NSIL's dropping out of college served NMIL FAR MORE than NSIL. This way, NMIL doesn't allow her "DD" to get "too far away" (she's a steady source of Supply-keep that in mind) and despite the technological umbilical cord, NSIL will STILL remain "dependent" on NMIL in some form.
    "One got away." (DH) And she's taking no chances the other-"DD"-will have an opportunity to do the same. NSIL can't see how NMIL has ensured she'd "fail" to make the transition to university. And that's EXACTLY what NMIL was banking on: Right now, NSIL supplies her with the image of a "Concerned, loving mommy" while concurrently keeping NSIL under her thumb.
    The Facade of a "loving, caring mummy " who know's what's "best" for her 18 yr old "DD" ensures when all goes to shit, NMIL will come out of it looking/sounding like a MOTY. NSIL is NOT "allowed" to differentiate.
    Just watch as this unfolds. "DD" is presenting an absolutely great source of multiple "Kudos" for Mommy-Dearest and her "image."
    That's all that matters. NMIL has covered her ass in every possible way including all possible contingent "outcomes" with "DD."

  6. The thing I like most about life is that all that circle jerking and cluster fucking that TW speaks of can all end with one well placed blow with a caste iron skillet.

  7. "Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you."

    Ironically, I think it is more NSIL and NM not knowing what they had when they had it, and now realize it since they've lost it.