I keep going back to this exchange, and I couldn't figure out what else was bothering me about it until I gave it a little more thought today:
December 25, 2011
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas [sad face]
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more [angry face] they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya
Exhibit A: sorry for swearing hah....love you, ladyyyyy [smiley face]
And then, NSIL tweeted: Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you.
So besides what I've already explained about why it bothers me [recap: NSIL puts all the blame of DH's absence on his shoulders and makes it sound as though us changing our numbers means that there is no way to contact him] take a look at what actually happened, versus what NSIL is claiming happened:
NSIL stated that the last time she had heard from DH was "a year and a half ago or more" from December 25, 2011. So, according to her, she hadn't heard from him since roughly June of 2010, and she almost makes it sound like we had also changed our numbers at that exact time.
Here's what actually happened (and, for the record, I'm only going to stick to contact that pertained directly to NSIL, since we can't be sure NMIL even told her about any of the times he only contacted her]:
- In early June 2010, DH called his sister to inquire about her birthday plans.
- In July 2010, DH called his sister several times more: once to ask again about her birthday plans, and once to wish her a happy birthday after receiving an email from her in which she told him she didn't want him to attend her party. We also sent her a birthday card with a gift card in it.
- In mid-October 2010, we went to visit them after four months of NC. NSIL was there.
- In November 2010, NMIL and NSIL attended DD's first birthday party.
- In late November 2010, DH attempted to set up a visit with NSIL. After a lot of nonsense and drama, she ended up canceling the visit, stating that she "didn't feel comfortable going without mom."
- In late November 2010, DH invited his NM and NSis to visit after Thanksgiving. Only his NM showed up.
- In mid-December 2010, NMIL and NSIL came to the hospital to meet DS after he was born.
- In mid-December 2010, DH invited NMIL and NSIL to come to our house for a Christmas visit. They never came.
- In March 2011, DH asked his NM to come to a therapy session with us. NSIL knew about this, because just a few hours after DH got off the phone with his NM, NSIL took to her twitter account to write the following comment about DH: We are all starting to forget you were ever a part of this family. I guess, because NSIL didn't like that type of contact, it doesn't count as "hearing from him" in her book.
- In July 2011, DH mailed his sister a birthday card. Maybe NMIL intercepted it. Or, maybe NSIL doesn't count that as having heard from her brother either.
- In October 2011, DH changed his cell phone number. All other contact information stayed the same, including my cell number, our house phone number, our mailing address, and our emails.
So, in NSIL's mind, she hadn't heard from DH in over eighteen months, which would put us at roughly June of 2010. In reality, the last time she'd heard from him was July 2011, with many attempts at contact before that. Her version of the truth is so skewed that it's really kind of disturbing.
Then, she came out with this whopper: Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you. This comment, which was tweeted just a few minutes after the exchange with Exhibit A, is creepy to me on many levels because it just doesn't "fit" with something a healthy and secure person would say about her brother. A boyfriend, yes. But not a sibling. And though there are no indications that DH and his sister had an incestuous relationship, I'm not at all surprised that NSIL's feelings towards him sometimes have a vaguely romantic feel. I think that the idea that's been beaten into her head from day one is that DH belonged to her. NMIL was pretty famous for objectifying both of her children: I
think NSIL feels left out a little – you know it hard to lose a brother when he
becomes a man and not a big toy (email from NMIL to DH in September 2009). But the idea of "being with someone" should be reserved for relationships of the romantic nature, not familial ones. And it just speaks to NSIL's unhealthy belief that her brother should have been 'with' her eternally.