Thursday, September 27, 2012

Heroes And Villains

Heroes and Villains
by: T-Ride (1992)


Won't need no mercy on my soul
When the lawman's got me cold
'Cause breaking the rules that they told
Was something I had to do
Play their game
But you start to win and the rules change
So my ship come rollin' in, it's gonna roll right over you
(And your law too)

The tightrope we walk leads straight to the gallows
And when the hangman calls your name

Heroes and villains hang the same

Early in the morning swinging in the breeze
There's a mist shrouded figure hangin' in the sycamore tree
Hero or villain don't matter much to me
They all end up the same, no one gets off scot-free

The tightrope we walk leads straight to the gallows
And when the hangman calls your name

Heroes and villains hang the same
Sinner or sainthood's your game

Whether you're a demon or divine
When the hangman says it's time
You won't see me sing the blues
'Cause I said fuck all your rules

Heroes and villains hang the same

It's just the writing on the tombstone change
There ain't a peasant or a king
Escapes that Dodge city rope swing

When the hangman calls your name
Heroes and villains hang the same

Maybe I'll concede to do anything you want me to
Maybe I'll bleed for you but you gotta catch me
You know I'll cry for you
Maybe I'll fry for you
Someday I'll die for you
But you gotta catch me
(Better hit me with your first shot)

Won't need no mercy on my soul
When the lawman catches me cold
Before I swing from that gallows pole
Catch me if you can
My time ain't due

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dark And Light

We were the good ones. I was one of the good ones. We all had unique and interesting magical powers: mostly to do with healing abilities. And there were lots of us, this big nameless group of people who were just inherently good.

And then one day, our clan was overtaken by another: a dark clan with dark motives. They didn't actually kill anyone, and I don't think that was their intention. I think what they wanted was to convert us, and if people died in the process, well then that was fine.

There was a girl who was drowning but not dying. There had been a flood of some sort, and a huge dam had burst and she was trapped under a heavy log in the water. I could see her, even though I was far away from her, and she was completely submerged under the moving water. Her hair flowed around her face. She looked peaceful under the water and I knew that she was still alive and that she might never actually die, she'd just forever be in that sleeping state under the water. I also knew that, even if I rescued her, she might never wake up. There was a man beside me. I don't know who he was or what he looked like, but he was there, and together we swam out through the water to save this fallen comrade. The water was cold and brown. Not dirty, necessarily, just brown from dead leaves at the bottom. It moved and flowed around us and we swam out to where we could see her. There was a precipice in the water that we had to climb over and right before we got there, the man beside me told me to watch out because there were water snakes underneath us. It made me feel uneasy and I didn't want to put my feet down.

I lifted one leg onto the precipice, and then another, and I could see the girl under the water. She was rather serene, even though she was drowning. She wasn't moving at all actually and her eyes were closed as though she was sleeping. Together, the man and I pulled her out of the water and brought her back to shore. I didn't see her again and I don't know if she awoke.

Then, the bad people were there again. All over. They were shoving us and pushing us and trying to round us up. We ended up in an empty school. We were in the cafeteria. I was trying to round people up to fight against the darkness that had overtaken us. I felt that we were strong, we were good, we were light and that we could face the bad people and win.

I heard a woman's voice, but I don't know what she was saying. She was the leader of the bad people. I never saw her face, I just heard her voice and she was commanding her people to do her bidding. She was looking for a place to contain a small group of us. I was not a part of this particular small group that she had a hold of, but I became very concerned that she was going to put them somewhere where they wouldn't have any food or water. I followed the sound of her voice and I ended up at the back entrance of a small hut. She was on the outside, but at the front entrance. I went inside the house. I had the feeling that she couldn't come in unless I invited her. From inside the house, I called out and volunteered this hut for her purpose. I told her the group she was herding about could stay in my hut. I didn't tell her that I would feed them. I also thought that if she realized who I was, she wouldn't send the people in to my hut. I went to the kitchen and busied myself making food.

I think this one is pretty clear folks. Drowning girl not yet dead: NSIL. Leader of the bad people: NMIL. Man beside me: DH. The one thing I will say is that it was not a scary or sad dream. I actually awoke feeling good, even though I was clearly battling "evil" in my head through out the whole dream and I wasn't able to awaken the drowning girl from her coma. Other than the part with the snakes, I never felt uneasy or frightened in my dreamscape.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Skewed Reality

I keep going back to this exchange, and I couldn't figure out what else was bothering me about it until I gave it a little more thought today:

December 25, 2011
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas [sad face]
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more [angry face] they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya
Exhibit A:  sorry for swearing hah....love you, ladyyyyy [smiley face]

And then, NSIL tweeted: Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you.

So besides what I've already explained about why it bothers me [recap: NSIL puts all the blame of DH's absence on his shoulders and makes it sound as though us changing our numbers means that there is no way to contact him] take a look at what actually happened, versus what NSIL is claiming happened:

NSIL stated that the last time she had heard from DH was "a year and a half ago or more" from December 25, 2011. So, according to her, she hadn't heard from him since roughly June of 2010, and she almost makes it sound like we had also changed our numbers at that exact time.

Here's what actually happened (and, for the record, I'm only going to stick to contact that pertained directly to NSIL, since we can't be sure NMIL even told her about any of the times he only contacted her]:

- In early June 2010, DH called his sister to inquire about her birthday plans.
- In July 2010, DH called his sister several times more: once to ask again about her birthday plans, and once to wish her a happy birthday after receiving an email from her in which she told him she didn't want him to attend her party. We also sent her a birthday card with a gift card in it.
- In mid-October 2010, we went to visit them after four months of NC. NSIL was there.
- In November 2010, NMIL and NSIL attended DD's first birthday party.
- In late November 2010, DH attempted to set up a visit with NSIL. After a lot of nonsense and drama, she ended up canceling the visit, stating that she "didn't feel comfortable going without mom."
- In late November 2010, DH invited his NM and NSis to visit after Thanksgiving. Only his NM showed up.
- In mid-December 2010, NMIL and NSIL came to the hospital to meet DS after he was born.
- In mid-December 2010, DH invited NMIL and NSIL to come to our house for a Christmas visit. They never came.
- In March 2011, DH asked his NM to come to a therapy session with us. NSIL knew about this, because just a few hours after DH got off the phone with his NM, NSIL took to her twitter account to write the following comment about DH: We are all starting to forget you were ever a part of this family. I guess, because NSIL didn't like that type of contact, it doesn't count as "hearing from him" in her book.
- In July 2011, DH mailed his sister a birthday card. Maybe NMIL intercepted it. Or, maybe NSIL doesn't count that as having heard from her brother either.
- In October 2011, DH changed his cell phone number. All other contact information stayed the same, including my cell number, our house phone number, our mailing address, and our emails.

So, in NSIL's mind, she hadn't heard from DH in over eighteen months, which would put us at roughly June of 2010. In reality, the last time she'd heard from him was July 2011, with many attempts at contact before that. Her version of the truth is so skewed that it's really kind of disturbing.

Then, she came out with this whopper: Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you. This comment, which was tweeted just a few minutes after the exchange with Exhibit A, is creepy to me on many levels because it just doesn't "fit" with something a healthy and secure person would say about her brother. A boyfriend, yes. But not a sibling. And though there are no indications that DH and his sister had an incestuous relationship, I'm not at all surprised that NSIL's feelings towards him sometimes have a vaguely romantic feel. I think that the idea that's been beaten into her head from day one is that DH belonged to her. NMIL was pretty famous for objectifying both of her children: I think NSIL feels left out a little – you know it hard to lose a brother when he becomes a man and not a big toy (email from NMIL to DH in September 2009). But the idea of "being with someone" should be reserved for relationships of the romantic nature, not familial ones. And it just speaks to NSIL's unhealthy belief that her brother should have been 'with' her eternally.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

When You Can Count The Good Days On One Hand (Part 4 of 4)

NSIL's Tweets 
June 2012 - September 2012

June 2, 2012
this weekend is the definition of #fatgirlproblems 

June 5, 2012
No one more beautiful than Marilyn Monroe and Megan Fox

June 7, 2012

June 7, 2012
Why do I torture myself like this when it's obvious you don't care?

June 10, 2012
I can't do this.

June 10, 2012
I need a drink and a shoulder to cry on right about now

June 10, 2012
feeling a little delirious from lack of sleep

June 10, 2012
At the end of the day you're fat.

June 11, 2012
sad as fuck

June 12, 2012
Lying is as easy to you as breathing.

June 13, 2012
maybz its a sign from the party gods that this happens to be the first summer im a single gal and its gonna be the craziest summer evvaaaa

June 17, 2012
R.I.P to the girl you used to see.

June 17, 2012
i am no annngggel

June 17, 2012
wait why am i annoyed right now

June 18, 2012
omgggg tired as fuck

June 19, 2012
can't eat. can't sleep.

June 20, 2012
i'll never admit it

June 21, 2012
I don't know whether to be happy or sad about this

June 21, 2012
you're not fooling anyone haha #pathetic 

June 21, 2012
fucking annoyed.

June 22, 2012
Hating life brb

June 22, 2012
Tonight has felt like one big slap in the face

June 23, 2012
you're actually so grimey and desperate

June 25, 2012
You're loss i guessss

June 25, 2012
you're actually not even worth it

June 26, 2012
i just want to fucking sleep.

June 26, 2012
I'm such a bitch and sometimes I hate myself but its okay.

June 27, 2012
horrible nightmares and itchy as fuck from these painkillers

June 27, 2012
omg so looooopppyy right now

June 27, 2012
Happppyyyyyy [Smiley Face]

June 27, 2012
I'm the best bestfriend

June 28, 2012
gaining 10 pounds by the day probbbbably

June 29, 2012
Happy to be blessed with such good people in my life

June 29, 2012
get a fucking life

June 30, 2012

July 1, 2012
debating on throwing myself a birthday banger

July 1, 2012
i fucking hate myself

July 1, 2012
I wish I had a sister

July 1, 2012
not sure this day could get worse.

July 2, 2012
disgusted

July 2, 2012
you have fat cellulite hamster legs.

July 3, 2012
I don't want to think about college and growing up

July 3, 2012
the only thing that would fix this horrible day is getting fucked up with my bitches.

July 5, 2012
worst fucking mood

July 5, 2012
You can always expect a #Cancer to be filled with intense mood swings.

July 7, 2012
i wish i had someone to lean on and talk to when shit like this happens

July 8, 2012
I'm convinced that I can get anything I want if I pout my lip and open my eyes wide.

July 9, 2012
you don't even realize how fucked up that is

July 10, 2012
ink my whole body i dont give a mother fuckkkkkk

July 11, 2012
I'm stupid for pursuing this but whatever

July 11, 2012
All the bitches love me

July 11, 2012
holy shit. sick as fuck right nowww

July 12, 2012
why am i so crazy doe

July 12, 2012
Your loss

July 12, 2012
I hate you

July 16, 2012
#idowhatiwant #fuckthehaters

July 16, 2012
Why do I even bother

July 17, 2012
Why am I in a bad mood..

July 17, 2012
I can never be disappointed if I don't have expectations for anyone, right?

July 18, 2012
so if i could be perfect like kim kardashian or megan fox thatd be cool

July 18, 2012
I am feeling like sucha nice gal tonight

July 19, 2012
I basically live alone in a giant house with two dogs as my only friends [thumbs up]

July 20, 2012
Fuck this feeling

July 20, 2012
omg snooping is never a good idea. oh dear god.

July 20, 2012
It is so unfortunately true that we ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us.

July 22, 2012
im the fat and ugly one

July 25, 2012
if theres one thing I'd tell you it would be that I made it without you.

July 26, 2012
I hate how you can make me feel like this

July 26, 2012
fuck you tho

July 26, 2012
you make me wanna puke

July 27, 2012
the retarded thing is my subtweets [*the shortening of "subliminal tweet" which is directly referring to a particular person without mentioning their name or directly mentioning them] are about someone that will never even see them... 

July 28, 2012
im so obsessed with marilyn monroe

July 30, 2012
someone save me

August 1, 2012
Everything is damaged way too bad to recover.

August 1, 2012
slipping fast

August 2, 2012
what happens if you try to buy alc using a self check out at a grocery store? #anybodyknow 

August 3, 2012
cant sleep

August 4, 2012
Omg i cant be here anymore

August 5, 2012
omg everyone stop talking to me about college

August 5, 2012
i wish i could be that perfect

August 6, 2012
Actually considering bleaching my hair so I can be Marilyn

August 6, 2012
[Retweeted the following that a friend tweeted about her]: My friends are so dumb .. Ya that's u NSIL

August 14, 2012
Every good story starts with: "Remember that time we got drunk and..."

August 16, 2012
Mom just told me to have a party tonight... #whatsgoingon

August 16, 2012
feeling low so get me high

August 16, 2012
It is so frustrating that i would do anything for a friend but never recieve the kindness back.

August 18, 2012
not really sure what else could go wrong.

August 18, 2012
days like today I think of you #missmybrother 

August 18, 2012
i just want to sleep forever and never wake up

August 20, 2012
so can i go to Cali too, mom? no okay

August 22, 2012
im pathetic.

August 23, 2012
already looking forward to the first time i come home and i haven't even left yet...

August 25, 2012
so fukcking upset roight now

August 27, 2012
havin the worst damn luck at college right now...sold out football tickets

August 28, 2012
Actually happy.

August 29, 2012
perfection doesn't exist but i still wish to be perfect.

August 29, 2012
fml 

August 29, 2012
where are you supposed to cry in college though..

August 30, 2012
so who has adderall for me

August 30, 2012
Would I hang out with ugly people? No

August 30, 2012
lookin at uconn athletes thinking, "hmm which one of you is gonna be my husband.."

August 30, 2012
this has been the worst 2 days ever.

August 30, 2012
i think im about to explode

August 30, 2012
your cross eyed and have fat cellulite legs

August 31, 2012
one class right now then weekend..? i guess college is alright

September 1, 2012
feelin so shitty

September 2, 2012
how is it possible for someone to be THAT perfect...

September 3, 2012
hate this feeling

September 3, 2012
why cant i be beautiful like marilyn

September 4, 2012
I'm positive that I can't do this.

September 4, 2012
so sick of this holy shit.

September 6, 2012
Could not feel any worse right now.

September 6, 2012
supposed to be writing an essay in class right now but im blasting techno and on twitter cuz im just too damn smart for these ppl

September 6, 2012
i miss [dog] and [dog]

September 6, 2012
If I gain 15 pounds here I'll probably just killl myself

September 7, 2012
the fact that im awake right now is fueled by the knowledge i will be drunk af tonight.

September 7, 2012
Lmaoo why do I do favors for ungrateful people? Is it really that hard to fucking say thank you?

September 7, 2012
I actually don't care about anything because I'm literally having the time of my life.

September 8, 2012
i just want to be home.

September 8, 2012
Fuck This

September 8, 2012
Drink more, love less.

September 9, 2012
wait i dont like college anymore, can i drop out.

September 9, 2012
fat ass

September 9, 2012
I have every reason not to care..so why do I..

September 10, 2012
goin to every class hoping for a male TA so we can fall in love and he can give me A's and ill skip class and go tanning.

September 10, 2012
Marilyn got a nose job so that means I can too, right?

September 11, 2012
If I put the amount of effort and time I put into day dreaming and worrying, into my school work I would be valedictorian of the world.

September 11, 2012
walking 3 miles off campus just to tan #ugh #fakebitchprobs 

September 11, 2012
need some xanax and ambien

September 11, 2012
waiting for the call about not makin the [sports] team to put the icing on the cake of this damn horrible night

September 11, 2012
I think the only person that could've ever truly understand me is Marilyn.  #waitthatsweird #ohwell #oneday #inheaven #loveyoumarilyn

September 11, 2012
i can't do this.

September 11, 2012
Get. me. out.

September 12, 2012
dropping out and getting a puppy and goin to cosmetology school.

September 12, 2012
can't wait to buy a puppy when i drop out

September 12, 2012
lol yup i was looking up puppies at 2am when i couldnt sleep last night yup

September 12, 2012
This is the hardest decision of my life holy shit

September 13, 2012
HAHAHA KARMAS A BITCH U ASSHOLE

September 14, 2012
why must i ALWAYS do everything differently than everyone else...

September 14, 2012
this is fucking bullshit

September 14, 2012
I don't ask for much and do everything for everyone. So why is it that I can never get that back?

September 14, 2012
what did i do to deserve this

September 16, 2012
breaking all the rules

September 16, 2012
Fuck everyone.

September 16, 2012
i love surprises...all the surprised ive gotten lately are horrible tho. #lol #notfunny #nowimademyselfmad #fuck 

September 16, 2012
Going to bed with an empty heart and a troubled mind. #worstfeeling 

September 17, 2012
By now I should be used to the fact that the people that matter and the plans I make will constantly be changing but it still sucks

September 17, 2012
waiting for more bad things to happen. literally waiting.

September 18, 2012
I always do and get what I want cuz its #NSILSWORLD

September 18, 2012
Officially home. #collegedropoutprobs

September 18, 2012
fuuuuckkk

September 19, 2012
Things I need right now: 1. a puppy 2. jeffrey campbell lita platform boots. 3. pink lemonade burnetts

September 19, 2012
worst 2 weeks of my life. every single day just gets worse

September 19, 2012
It's not possible to make someone care

September 19, 2012
Ultimatum with my parents: either you buy me a nice car orrrrrr im getting a motorcycle

September 20, 2012
what is sleep

September 20, 2012
I am so lucky to have a mom that knows shopping equals happiness.

September 20, 2012
I literally have 5 extra beds in my house right now yet i am home alone...

September 20, 2012
Getting sick when you're home alone is the worst thing ever

Analysis
[Broken up into sections by topic]

the retarded thing is my subtweets are about someone that will never even see them...
Okay folks, so from the top, the following are all the tweets that are either directly about DH, or indirectly about him. I based my choices on the timing of certain tweets, indiscreet references to DH, and the fact that the one person she knew who was, in fact, least likely to see these tweets was her brother. Drumroll please. These are NSIL's thinly veiled insults and thoughts about her brother and his life choices [nothing new here, if you've read all the posts so far, this is just me putting all of the comments that are possibly directed at DH in one place]: I miss my brother.#waitwhatbrother, you're a douchebag. #truth, We are all starting to forget you were ever part of this family, Why does every good day have to be ruined? #yourstupid, I fucking hate you, What makes people important? It's not just the happiness that you feel when you see them, but it's also the pain you feel when you miss them, i miss my brother #randomtweet, i miss you, Happy Birthday to a #nonexistent brother, #sorryimnotsorry i dont care about you at all, i want a new family, youre absolutely pathetic, i am absolutely disgusted with you, You ruined this family, But truthfully, the way you threaten your parents & friends is immature and disrespectful. Have fun with that #tho, our lives would be so different if you didnt walk out. #imissmybrother...if he comes back we should all get tattoos, i wonder if you miss me..or even think about me at all for that matter, you forgot about me, fuck you, this is so hard, why cant you make it better, All i want is for you to be proud of me, i was doing this all for you. you don't even notice and don't even care, and its times like these that i wish my brother was still around, A brother is a friend God gave you; a friend is a brother your heart chose, all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas, fuckkkkkk youuuuuuu, This year I think there's a couple things/people I gotta let go of, All I want is for my brother to watch me play lacrosse before I graduate. #wishfulthinking, I just wanna talk to you, I miss you, It shouldn't take a death for you to to want to start telling your parents and friends that you love them, Dissapointed in your decisions, You will honestly never change, i would do anything to have my brother back, There's nothing I want more than to have my brother see me graduate, I wish my brother was in my life, you're not fooling anyone haha #pathetic, You're loss i guessss, Your loss, I hate you, if theres one thing I'd tell you it would be that I made it without you, I hate how you can make me feel like this, fuck you tho, you make me want to puke, days like today I think of you #missmybrother, It's not possible to make someone care. I mean really though. If even half of those comments are about DH, then I guess we have answers to some of the questions we've been asking ourselves the past year or so: Yes, indeedy, DH they're still thinking about you and they're still talking about you. They go back and forth between believing that the sun shines out DH's ass and that he's the answer to every single problem on earth; and thinking that he IS every single problem on earth. DH has the cards stacked against him and there's no fucking way he could walk back in there with such a HUGE amount of responsibility being placed on his shoulders.

"days like today"
I really think there's something to my theory about their being a link between NSIL missing her brother and holidays/special events. The following tweet was tweeted at Exhibit A's wedding: "days like today I think of you #missmybrother." So, once again, is it ONLY on "days like today" that she thinks of him? I imagine her going to that wedding and feeling embarrassed and ashamed that her brother wasn't there too. According to the "rules," not only should DH have been there, but hell, he probably should have been the one getting married. She tweeted that comment about missing her brother right after arriving at the wedding. I just imagine her getting there and wanting to bury her head in the sand, because literally everyone she and DH knew and grew up with were at that wedding and there was no way to hide her "secret shame." I think it's probably most obvious in situations like that, that her life and her family isn't "perfect" anymore. Too many people would have noticed that DH isn't around for their lives to be as "perfect" as they'd have everyone believe.

"dropping out"
You read it right, friends: "Officially home. #collegedropoutprobs" "i just want to be home" "i can't do this" "Get.me.out." "dropping out and getting a puppy and goin to cosmetology school." NSIL made it a whole two weeks before dropping out of that college she was "so excited about." I'm going to say we can cross off "time and distance from NMIL" from that list of "things that are absolutely required for NSIL to escape the FOG." DH and I had a conversation some weeks ago about how long we thought she'd last at school. My guess was a few weeks, at best. DH mistakenly thought that his sister was something like him and that she'd just "coast through" college. I just didn't see her making it. She just can't hack it. As TW said to me, "College is NOT highschool." And it's all really sad because college would have been a great opportunity for her to start cutting the umbilical cord. She would have had at least some of the necessary physical distance she needs from her NM, and with that, some emotional distance might have grown. And quite possibly what's even more sad than her dropping out of school is the fact that she's just going home to an empty house. Empty, both literally and figuratively.

"I basically live alone in a giant house"
NSIL's tweets about being abandoned by her NM: "I basically live alone in a giant house with two dogs as my only friends [thumbs up]" "Mom just told me to have a party tonight... #whatsgoingon" "It is so unfortunately true that we ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us" "so can i go to Cali too, mom? no okay" "I literally have 5 extra beds in my house right now yet i am home alone..." "Getting sick when you're home alone is the worst thing ever." Last year, I had a theory that, when NMIL bought her McMansion in 2010, she didn't care what that would mean for her young teenage daughter; and she was more interested in the "show" of having a mini-mansion than she was in the reality that it's absurd for any woman with only one child (who would likely be leaving for school in just a year) to buy a house with that kind of square footage. At almost fifty years old, and with only one other person living with you, you don't buy a 4,500 square foot house with five bathrooms unless you don't actually plan on being there and don't care that your daughter will end up being there alone all the time. And "Mom just told me to have a party tonight?" God NMIL. What a cold-hearted bitch. We all know that means you're away somewhere with your lame brained boyfriend. And you don't give a shit about that daughter you have who is so miserable she dropped out of college after two weeks and came home to live with her only real friends: her dogs. So I guess she can slink off and party with them. Since all of her other friends are away at school. Who the hell else is she going to party with? And, can I just say: the fact that NMIL, who made a big deal out of DH not going to his sister's famous birthday party, chose not to be around for her daughter's eighteenth. Holy Hypocrisy, Batman.

Bonus Thoughts from Jonsi
- I'm not at all going to be surprised when this girl ODs on the sleeping pills she's so fond of.
- "Happy to be blessed with such good people in my life." What good people?
- "omg snooping is never a good idea. oh dear god." If she was home, the only person she could have been snooping on was her mother. Wonder what she found?
-"I think the only person that could've ever truly understand me is Marilyn.  #waitthatsweird #ohwell #oneday #inheaven #loveyoumarilyn." Oh dear god. This sounds like a death wish. I think part of the reason she made her tweets public is because she's calling for help. But what she fails to realize is that no one can truly fix things for her. She really has to help herself.

When You Can Count The Good Days On One Hand (Part 3 of 4)

 NSIL's Tweets 
January 2012 - May 2012

January 1, 2012
This year I think there's a couple things/people I gotta let go of.

January 1, 2012
Pretend like its okay.

January 1, 2012
Grossed out by myself

January 2, 2012
Not sure why this always fucking happens to me. #FUCKYOU #fuckeveryone 

January 3, 2012
food and i have a hate-love relationship

January 3, 2012
i will only be satisfied when you say i've taken it too far.

January 4, 2012
i love everyone right now

January 6, 2012
im a muthafuckin STTTARRRRRR

January 6, 2012
[Fellow Tweeter] and [teacher] were the only people enthusiastic about my juicy suit #mostpissed

January 8, 2012
idc what anyone says i will always think ribs, back and hip bones are sexy and ideal.

January 12, 2012
why are you like a celebrity? just because you're pretty? i actually hate you.

January 13, 2012
Can tonight get any worse?

January 13, 2012
you're perfect. i hate you.

January 15, 2012
suffers in silence.

January 15, 2012
But wait....I don't give a fuck what other people have to say. My life is MY life and I'll do what makes me happy and/or what I please.

January 17, 2012
hmm..what color should my next juicy suit be? any opinions? #snobbygirlproblems but no really..

January 19, 2012
feelin like death

January 21, 2012
can i be Rachel Mcadams please??

January 22, 2012
fuck this feeling.

January 22, 2012
Can i wake up from this nightmare now?

January 23, 2012
Sometimes I see girls and I'm just like, can I be you?

January 23, 2012
I'm not strong enough for this.

February 5, 2012
Why is that it is so easy to gain weight and SO HARD to lose weight yet people only seem to notice when people gain it? #tellemwhyyoumad

February 8, 2012
Some of the things people tweet would never even come out of their mouth in person

February 11, 2012
Honestly so appreciative of someone being brutally honest with me

February 14, 2012
It's like the whole world just walked out on me

February 14, 2012
Doing it for me this time, no one else, just me.

February 16, 2012
You never know just how you look through other peoples' eyes

February 17, 2012
i just wish i could talk to someone about this.

February 17, 2012
I'm feel so lucky to have such great friends #loveyou 

February 18, 2012
it's probably annoying for others and unhealthy on my part how often I post pictures of my dogs on Instagram... #obsessed 

February 19, 2012
lose weight. gain control.

February 19, 2012
Trying to shake this depressed feeling dude.

February 19, 2012
All I want is for my brother to watch me play lacrosse before I graduate. #wishfulthinking 

February 19, 2012
fuck da world.

February 20, 2012
Honestly why do I even bother anymore if no one notices

February 21, 2012
Buying [heart] shaped sunglasses has been the only good thing today.

February 25, 2012
I'm pretty happy, i think

February 26, 2012

February 27, 2012
I just wanna be Mariyln Monroe.

February 28, 2012
i hate you all. #sorryimnotsorry 

March 1, 2012
going to bed every night thinking about it, just hurts

March 1, 2012
I just wanna talk to you

March 1, 2012
I HATE when people think its funny to make fun of someone else

March 3, 2012
I don't deserve this.

March 3, 2012
drunk as a skunk

March 5, 2012
Lie to me once and I'll question everything you say after that.

March 6, 2012
I miss you

March 8, 2012
i just wanna be happy

March 16, 2012
Kendall Jenner is so skinny its actually unreal. #canibeyou 

March 19, 2012
It shouldn't take a death for you to to want to start telling your parents and friends that you love them..

March 20, 2012
No confidence

March 22, 2012
You probably weigh 50 pounds more than I do but you're 50 times more confident than I am. #teachme 

March 25, 2012
I'm not asking for anyone's opinion anymore because the only opinion that matters is my own.

April 5, 2012
If we die, I just want everyone to know that every time I've told you "I hate you".... I really did mean it.

April 10, 2012
you're so annoying.

April 10, 2012
Why are so many bad things happening lately?

April 10, 2012
I've been such a disappointment to myself lately.

April 12, 2012
Such an awful mood

April 13, 2012
Dissapointed in your decisions.

April 17, 2012
You will honestly never change.

April 18, 2012
I wanted this to work so badly but now everything is just falling apart.

April 19, 2012
i would do anything to have my brother back

April 24, 2012
i wish i had a super small waist like perfect hourglass figure  #canibeMarilynMonroeplease

April 25, 2012
Lol I look like shit...Fucking repulsive.

April 28, 2012
In the worst fucking mood

May 2, 2012
There is nothing I'm more jealous of than girls that are able to eat whatever they want all the time and still be stick thin. #notfair 

May 4, 2012
Who the fuck do you think you are omg

May 4, 2012
you're unbelievably incosiderate.

May 4, 2012
it's easy to be fat and hard to be skinny. #thingsihate 

May 8, 2012
I am not ready to grow up yet though..

May 15, 2012
you don't get it.

May 16, 2012
Done being nice to people that are ungrateful.

May 16, 2012
You are exactly what you hate

May 16, 2012
There's nothing I want more than to have my brother see me graduate.

May 17, 2012
Why is everything important in my life getting ruined

May 18, 2012
I know I should be happy right now but it is impossible.

May 22, 2012
why can't i lose this weight

May 22, 2012
I wish my brother was in my life :(  

May 26, 2012
great friends...

May 27, 2012
You complain about fake people daily when your the fakest of them all

May 27, 2012
didnt think it could get any worse but it did. this is rock bottom.

May 30, 2012
#Worstfeeling being the dumbest one in a group of smart people...the kids in my orientation group though...the ppl im m group are neuro and molecular biologists and have taken like 14 AP classes...

Analysis
[Broken up into sections by topic]

"Pretend like its okay"
Pretend like it's okay. Isn't that just the anthem of unenlightened ACoNs everywhere? Observe: "i love everyone right now" "I'm feel so lucky to have such great friends #loveyou." Really? Is this the same girl who constantly comments about how she feels unloved, she hates herself, and she has no friends? Out one side of her mouth, she talks about how "lucky" she is to have the friends that she has; and I can see that she has surrounded herself by a huge volume of people; and out the other side of her mouth she spews vitrol against those very people she calls "friend." Why? Probably because she knows on some subconscious level that she's alone in a room full of people. She knows that she has no real support system and that her friends are nothing more than the worst kinds of frenemies, all out to sleep with each other's mothers, cheat with each other's Significant Others, and feed each others' secrets to the gristmill. Her only answer to this is to maintain the same New Years Resolution each year: pretend like it's okay. That must be her anthem.

"im a muthafuckin STTTARRRRRR"
It's rare for NSIL to have these moments, but she does indeed have them. And by "these moments" I mean delusions of granduer. I think, when she says these types of things, she's either high as a kite or else experiencing a possible intense mood swing - possibly like those experienced in people who are Bi-Polar. I've hypothesized that NSIL may be Bi-Polar and I've noticed that narcissism and Bi-Polar Disorder often go hand-in-hand. 

"my brother"
So, one thing that annoys me about this: "All I want is for my brother to watch me play lacrosse before I graduate. #wishfulthinking" is that: He did see her play lacrosse. DH and I went to one of her lacrosse games in 2009 when she was playing against my (highschool) alma mater. She must have conveniently forgotten that, since telling the truth wouldn't have won her much of a pity party from all the people who love to hate DH for being such an "unsupportive bastard of a brother." And oh for the dear love of god: "i would do anything to have my brother back." I'm going to go ahead and say, no. You wouldn't "do anything" to have your brother back. Because the truth is you haven't done one damn thing to "get your brother back" and even if he "came back" he wouldn't be the brother you wanted him to be. And by the way, why isn't it ever YOU who has to be involved in the lives of other people? Case in point: "I wish my brother was in my life." Every single thing NSIL tweets about her brother shows her complete lack of interest in his life and the preconcieved notion that (surprise, surprise) life revolves around her. Like, has it ever crossed NSIL's mind that DH wanted her to care about the things going on in his life? You know, his wedding, the births of his children, his life with his FOC? Something tells me that NSIL will only ever see the world from her vantage point, because she just doesn't give a damn about what's going on in anyone else's. It's all about her. She wants DH to be there for her, she wants DH to see her graduate, she wants DH to talk to her on Christmas, she wants DH to call her. But, seriously, what the hell is in it for him? Answer: Not one damn thing.

 "tell me the truth...but shut the fuck up"
"Honestly so appreciative of someone being brutally honest with me." Vs. "I'm not asking for anyone's opinion anymore because the only opinion that matters is my own" and "But wait....I don't give a fuck what other people have to say. My life is MY life and I'll do what makes me happy and/or what I please." Enough said.

"shouldn't take a death to tell your parents you love them"
The pretty little delusions of an ACoN in denial look like this: "It shouldn't take a death for you to to want to start telling your parents and friends that you love them.." My, but isn't she just the little Golden Child Narcissist-in-the-making? Wouldn't everyone's problems be solved if DH would just pick up the phone, call his parents, and profess his undying love to them?

NSIL is [exactly what she hates]:
  • skinny perfect people
  • someone who says "you can do better"
  • you
  • fucking two faced
  • all of you
  • annoying
  • everyone
  • herself
  • everyone
  • you
  • you
  • you all
  • a person who thinks it's funny to make fun of other people
  • life
  • herself
  • herself
  • you
Um, so can we say, "identity crisis?" Yeah, sounds about right.

When You Can Count The Good Days On One Hand (Part 2 of 4)

 NSIL's Tweets 
July 2011 - December 2011

July 1, 2011
i guess being extremely cocky is better than being extremely self-conscious #deepthoughts

July 2, 2011
i dont think ive ever looked this hideous in public before...

July 5, 2011
i am absolutely disgusted with you.

July 8, 2011
you're such a bitch.

July 10, 2011
#dinnertime!...by myself...

July 12, 2011
l.i.v.i.d.

July 12, 2011
#idgaf when im not invited anymore because i expect it

July 12, 2011
i made a mistake #imreallysorry

July 14, 2011
You ruined this family

July 21, 2011
i wish i had a family like one on 8 simple rules #dreamin

July 27, 2011
People exagerate and say they have 3 friends, well i literally have 3 friends. lol. fml.

July 31, 2011
But truthfully, the way you threaten your parents & friends is immature and disrespectful. Have fun with that #tho

August 2, 2011
omg #imstupid

August 3, 2011
i miss being home with a family. not just my mom... #divorcecons

August 5, 2011
[retweeted from Exhibit A]: i've come the the conclusion that each summer that passes gets worse. #depressedtweet #sorry

August 5, 2011
Self esteem lowered so much. I feel like shit right now

August 6, 2011
you dont have the decency to tell me the truth. but you have the balls to lie to my face.

August 15, 2011
i want to get fucked up and dance!

August 15, 2011
i have such expensive taste.. #couldbeaproblem

August 17, 2011
I wish I could lose 30 pounds though.

August 17, 2011
looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry... #fatgirlproblems #uglygirlproblems

August 24, 2011
i dont think celebrities are beautiful, anyone would be that beautiful with that much makeup... #randomtweet

August 24, 2011
Is it bad that I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either?

August 26, 2011
House to myself... Too bad I have no friends

August 26, 2011
#fatgirlproblems

August 30, 2011
being skinny > everything else...

September 3, 2011
so annoyed. SERIOUSLY #fuckyou 

September 5, 2011
That awkward moment when someone skinnier than you calls themselves fat

September 9, 2011
just ate one bite of a red velvet cupcake from big y and it was the most amazing bite evvvver!!! #sugardeprived #fuckdiets #notreally 

September 12, 2011
i hate good students. #youreannoying 

September 13, 2011
why does everyone like to lie to me lately? #bullshit 

September 13, 2011
feeling like a fat fuck.

September 14, 2011
I wish I had someone to talk to about this who wouldn't judge me

September 14, 2011
#ifmydreamscametrue id lose 20 pounds.

September 15, 2011
its been such a good day!

September 15, 2011
#whenyoueatfruitandveggiesfor3weeks and the thought of a french fry makes your mouth water...

September 15, 2011
NSIL: our lives would be so different if you didnt walk out. #imissmybrother 
Exhibit A: i'm sorry. :( is there anything i can do love?
NSIL: aww thanks but no :( if he comes back we should all get tattoos! lol

September 18, 2011
#ThingsThatGetMeUpset thinking about college..

September 18, 2011
i wonder if you miss me..or even think about me at all for that matter.

September 22, 2011
you forgot about me.

September 23, 2011
i really feel like i missed out on so many friends because i was never single in high school. #regret 

September 24, 2011
i literally want to cry because i have no friends.

September 24, 2011
you are fucking assholes.

September 24, 2011
dreading that day. it will be the hardest thing i ever have to do in my life.

September 24, 2011
if you have pictures of you in a bikini as a default and have perfect teeth and everything else SHUT UP ABOUT BEIN UGLY AND FAT #BRAT

September 26, 2011
#itmakesmefeelworse about myself when you say that me and someone that is a size negative 0000 are the same size. like #OBVIOUSLYNOT #THANKS

September 30, 2011
making cookies because im sad #fatgirlproblems 

October 2, 2011
in those moods where i want to pierce something, dye my hair, or get a tat... #whattodo 

October 5, 2011
really bitch?

October 6, 2011
no school. perfect weather. beautiful day. #imhappy 

October 6, 2011
forever wishing i could be someone else

October 9, 2011
not sure i want to go to UVM, but their sweatpants are #BOMB 

October 9, 2011
done with this shit.

October 10, 2011
fuck you.

October 12, 2011
Marilyn Monroe was definetly the most beautiful person ever to live.

October 12, 2011 
#Cancer seems to have 2 personalities. One is very outgoing, funny and quirky. The other is shy, moody and antisocial.

October 13, 2011
you honestly make up this shit in your head just for a reason to get mad at me. YOU ARE PSYCHO.

October 14, 2011
i look like a big fat marshmallow.

October 14, 2011
feeling like a fat fuck after seeing all the skinny gals with painted stomachs.

October 15, 2011
#crushed

October 17, 2011
i can't do this.

October 24, 2011
this topic was already so hard without your comments. now its a million times worse.

October 24, 2011
i was sad so my mama bought me the most beautiful purse. love her

October 24, 2011
this is so hard, why cant you make it better?

October 25, 2011
not doing anything. not talking to anyone. #goodnight 

October 27, 2011
Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe were the most beautiful people to ever live.

October 28, 2011
parking in a handicap spot, picking up chinese food in slippers... #imclassy

October 31, 2011
i fucking hate everyone.

November 3, 2011
why does everyone tell me to be a lawyer?

November 4, 2011
umm cool, jerk.

November 6, 2011
NSIL: im SO sick and tired of being bigger than everyone else. #ExtremeDietTime 
Fellow Tweeter: if I could look like one other person in this world it'd be you. You're beautiful. Don't ever thing any differently.
NSIL: omg no you are beautiful!!! thank you so much though. like seriously, thank you.

November 7, 2011
All i want is for you to be proud of me.

November 7, 2011
i think so many people are beautiful.

November 7, 2011
Always crying, never living

November 9, 2011
I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now.

November 9, 2011
i can already tell nothing is going to change.

November 15, 2011
ive never been called fat so many times in one month. #childhoodrepeat

November 16, 2011
everyone text my mom happy birthday!!!!!

November 16, 2011
why do i do this to myself..

November 17, 2011
you're perfect. you're beautiful.

November 23, 2011
i was doing this all for you. you don't even notice and don't even care.

November 23, 2011
if theres a god he will send my belly button ring in the mail today because thats the only thing to make this day better.

November 24, 2011
omg shut up you are so annoying and only do this for attention

November 25, 2011
and its times like these that i wish my brother was still around...

November 27, 2011
i feel bad for people who don't believe in God.

November 28, 2011
#waitbut im in such a good mood

November 28, 2011
#BREAKTHROUGH

November 28, 2011
when you try so fucking hard and not one person notices <<<<<<<<<<<<<< #wtf 

November 28, 2011
#breakdown

November 28, 2011
you're the only one who believes in me so i'll do it for you.

November 29, 2011
hm, didnt know so many people took ambien

December 1, 2011
A brother is a friend God gave you; a friend is a brother your heart chose.

December 4, 2011
i cant wait to get my super tacky juicy track suit for xmas

December 5, 2011
i don't even understand how that is possible. #whyareyouperfect #whycantibeyou 

December 6, 2011
I wish I was one of those people who can eat whatever they want and still look good

December 7, 2011
this has been such a horrible week so far.

December 9, 2011
One of those I hate everyone days. #lovelife 

December 9, 2011
people dont understand how much they hurt me when they say shit like that

December 9, 2011
at the mall by myself, treating myself to a well deserved shopping spree.

December 11, 2011
honestly you are the worst friend. you are so mean and such an asshole. dont expect me to talk to you much anymore. #midnightvent 

December 12, 2011
omg i wish i was on the show Scouted i would be the best model. too bad im not 5'11 and 100lbs.

December 19, 2011
Today, I am a #fatgirlproblem #ohwell 

December 21, 2011
God, if I can’t have what I want, let me want what I have.

December 23, 2011
you don't get it.

December 23, 2011
just so sick of all the bullshit.

December 24, 2011
HOLY EFFFFF! WHITE MICHEAL KORS WATCH FROM DAD #MERRYCHRISTMASTOME 

December 25, 2011
I love everyone #merrychristmas 

December 25, 2011
I'm so happy with my gifts! My parents are the best and know me so well!

December 25, 2011
gonna be looking like a boss in my juicy track suit and michael kors watch

December 25, 2011
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more. they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks.
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya

December 25, 2011
Be with someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you. Not someone who will realize it when they've lost you.

December 25, 2011
i just wanna be happy.

December 25, 2011
So grateful for my mom. She deserves the best

December 26, 2011
i dont even know you but i actually HATE you with a burning passion because you're so beautiful.

December 30, 2011
fuckkkkkk youuuuuuu

December 30, 2011
done with people who don't care.  #deuces

Analysis
[Broken up into sections by topic]

"You ruined this family"
More running commentary either directly or indirectly about DH, or pertaining to the fact that her "perfect lil family" has been destroyed: "You ruined this family," "i wish i had a family like one on 8 simple rules #dreamin," "But truthfully, the way you threaten your parents & friends is immature and disrespectful. Have fun with that #tho," "i miss being home with a family. not just my mom... #divorcecons," "our lives would be so different if you didnt walk out. #imissmybrother," "if he comes back we should all get tattoos," "i wonder if you miss me..or even think about me at all for that matter," "and its times like these that i wish my brother was still around...," "A brother is a friend God gave you; a friend is a brother your heart chose," "all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas." There were actually quite a few in this batch, with a few others that I haven't listed here because I wasn't as positive they were definitely about DH. But the few I listed above are, for certain. So my thoughts are that NSIL is being fed all sorts of lies about DH from her NM, on top of feeling abandoned by him. That's a pretty nasty cocktail, right there. She places ALL of the blame on her brother, without ever even remotely considering that her own mother might have driven him away. She also leaves absolutely NO space in her mind to entertain the idea that it's actually fucking normal for people to get married, have children, and move away from home. She seems to maintain the fantasies of a five year old, where her brother never would have left and they could have had bedrooms across the hall from each other forever, in a perpetual black and white 50s sitcom. And I have a real problem with her notion that her brother ruined their family by "walking out" on them, because it all goes back to that wierd and disturbing idea that "nobody ever goes in. And nobody ever comes out" of a dysfunctional family; and it's a mentality that shows she thought of him as more than just a brother. The thing is, he can't be her daddy. She's going to have to solve her daddy issues with some other dude. Another thing I noticed is that most of the time, she tweets about her brother during major functions where a lot of other people are around and are bound to notice the ONE person from their little unit that isn't there. "And it's times like these that I wish my brother was still around" was tweeted on Thanksgiving, when she was probably surrounded by her FOO and childhood "friends" and DH was probably the huge white elephant in the room. NMIL and NSIL are probably uber aware of his absence at times like those because it totally doesn't jive with the image they want the world to see: that everything is oh-so-perfect. It becomes difficult to maintain that particular facade when your perfect little son/brother is missing from your perfect little party in your perfect little life. And that particular comment also made me wonder if those are the ONLY times when she thinks about her brother - on major holidays and events when his absence creates a sense of shame for her. In other words, I wonder whether she only thinks about him when her image is at stake.

"By myself"
The loneliness must truly be unbearable: " #dinnertime!...by myself..." "People exagerate and say they have 3 friends, well i literally have 3 friends. lol. fml," "House to myself... Too bad I have no friends," "I wish I had someone to talk to about this who wouldn't judge me," "you forgot about me," "i literally want to cry because i have no friends." This very empty and lonely creature was created by a NM who taught her that in order to be loved, you need to have an endless supply of people to use friends; and that no amount of friends is good enough. DH was this way not so long ago; where he collected friends like insects for a third grade science project and proudly displayed them for years as a way to prove to himself that he was special: "See all of these friends I've collected? They all want me. They all need me. They all love me." In reality, he didn't have one god damned good friend in the bunch. Not a fucking single one. And I'd bet my bottom dollar that neither does NSIL. She lives in a world where, even the people she's known the longest would probably sell her out in an instant if there was something in it for them. She lives in a world where everyone hears her desperate and pitious cries for help but no one is willing to lift a finger to offer her true support. She lives in a world where gossip reigns supreme. She lives in a world where nothing is sacred. She lives in a world where she's probably everybody's favorite "drug dealer" but when it comes to bailing her out no one's got a dime to spare. But here's the thing: it's HER CHOICE to live in that world. So, while I have feelings of saddness for her, it also makes me angry that she's choosing to sit and wallow in her miserable loneliness instead of getting the fuck out of there and into a different world. The sentiment of being forgotten makes me sad for her on a very deep level. I think that's one of the worst feelings in the world, to feel like you've been forgotten. I wonder if it's DH she believes has forgotten her. I also wonder why she can't see that it wasn't his job to pick her up. If I could tell her something right now, I would tell her to get help; to seek guidance and support from people who can help her see through the FOG and help her out of the smoke and mirrors. The people she's got right now aren't doing anything but helping her stay in her current role; and it's a role that I think will eventually kill her. It's a role that is eating away at her life force, every single day.

"Is it bad that I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either?"
Her lack of enthusiasm for...anything, really...but in particular, for collegeis pretty apparent in statements such as these: "Is it bad that I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either?" "#ThingsThatGetMeUpset thinking about college..." "not sure i want to go to UVM, but their sweatpants are #BOMB" But wait. Isn't this a completely different picture from the one NMIL painted of NSIL in her recent ridiculous emails to DH? According to NMIL just a few months after NSIL tweeted these comments, "She has now decided on [college] as her first choice and is getting excited." I wasn't buying it then and I REALLY wasn't buying it when I read NSIL's dialog on the subject. I mean, I'm fairly certain that a person who says "I don't know what college I want to go to and I don't care either" is not someone who is "getting excited" about college. It's either a case where NMIL was lying out her ass, as per usual, or else she really didn't care to look closely enough at her daughter to see that she was super fucking unhappy about the whole college thing. DH hypothesized that NMIL probably asked NSIL one day, "Are you excited about going to college?" and NSIL replied, "Yes." And so everyone was lying to everyone was lying to everyone was lying to everyone. It's like pay-it-forward, but with lies.

"Being skinny is greater than everything else"
Probably about ninety percent of NSIL's tweets revolve around her weight and her appearance: "looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry," "just ate one bite of a red velvet cupcake from big y and it was the most amazing bite evvvver," "Marilyn Monroe was definetly the most beautiful person ever to live," "ive never been called fat so many times in one month. #childhoodrepeat." I talked about NSIL's obvious self-esteem issues in the last post, and it's really just a common thread throughout her entire online-dialog. It's definitely an obsession, if ever I've seen one, and for people like this it's always about control. It's one of the only things in her life she probably feels she has any control over, so the "proof is in the pudding" if you know what I mean. (Pun intended.) DH and I had a very long conversation about NSIL's choice of role models - and you'll read about another one of her role models in the next installment - and I told DH that the first things I think of when I think of Marilyn Monroe are, "trashy" and "dead." The woman, though indeed beautiful, was not known for her classiness. And she died of a drug overdose at a very young age. During her life she was known, at best, as a sex symbol and not much more. I mean...I guess yeah, if you want to aspire to be like any celebrity, sure. Pick one of the "beautiful but dead" ones. Pick one of the ones who was about as fake as they come. Ever see pictures of Norma Jeane Mortenson before she became the iconic Marilyn everyone thinks of? She was not the buxom blond everyone knows her as and her entire image was one that was created by the people around her. Beautiful? Yes. But real? Hell no. And on to the tweet that really made me angry: "ive never been called fat so many times in one month. #childhoodrepeat." And it's not necessarily the claim that she was called "fat so many times in one month" that got me. Though that may very well be true, or it may also be true that she just percieved that any glance from a friend or stranger was the equivallent of someone calling her "fat," the thing that pissed me off was her fucking hashtag. Methinks NMIL must have topped the list and lead the club of "People Who Call NSIL Fat." I even have a theory that NMIL overfed her kids on purpose...because she wanted them to be fat. That way, she was starting her kid's (and in particular, her daughter) off on a journey of lifelong esteem issues and weight problems.

"why does everyone like to lie to me lately? #bullshit"
Lately? I want to ask this girl, "Have you ever met your mother?" Because I'm sure that woman has been lying to you everyday all day for your entire fucking existance and it's not going to stop. But I'm intrigued by NSIL's interest in truth vs lies, if only because it means she must be aware on some level that her mother, to whom she has offered her entire existance, is the biggest fucking bullshitter of them all. Then of course, Denial steps in to wreck the day.
"my mom"
The pedestal on which NMIL sits, atop her throne of lies: "i was sad so my mama bought me the most beautiful purse. love her." "everyone text my mom happy birthday!!!!!" "I'm so happy with my gifts! My parents are the best and know me so well!" "So grateful for my mom. She deserves the best." So: NSIL, have you met your mother? Apparently not. You're too busy enjoying the thirty second high you got from the scent of the beautiful new purse she got you to realize that SHE JUST TRIED TO BUY MORE TIME FROM YOU BY OFFERING YOU SOME MATERIAL BULLSHIT. Try this on for size: there is a reason why, mere moments after you get your "now be a good little girl" present from Mommy, you feel like shit again; and that's because no amount of material bullshit is going to fix any of this. "everyone text my mom happy birthday!!!!!" reeks of desperation to me. It was as if NSIL was desperate to reach the quota, so that her mother wouldn't turn around and blame her when the day turned out lousy 'cause she didn't get enough attention on the forty somethingnth anniversary of the day she graced earth with her presence. But really, that's what I see: NSIL is the girl who has had to bear the responsiblity of making sure that her NM gets all the accolades and attention and consideration and regard she requires. Talk about exhausting. And now that DH isn't in the picture, that entire responsiblity rests on NSIL. No wonder why she's pissed at him for "abandoning" her.

"ambien"
NSIL tweets a lot about drugs and alcohol, something she obviously uses as a panacea for all of her suffering: "hm, didnt know so many people took ambien" is just one of many comments I read about her where she either flat out declares how "schwasted" she is, or else just alludes to it. She talks ALOT about not being able to sleep, about using sedatives, smoking pot, and drinking. She may or may not be an alcoholic and she definitely drinks for the wrong reasons.

Bonus Thoughts from Jonsi
The following exchange is intriguing to me for at least one other reason not previously mentioned:
NSIL: all i fucking want is to talk to my brother on christmas
Exhibit A: I'm sorry love ): when did you last hear from him?
NSIL: a year and a half ago or more. they changed their phone mumbers.. it really sucks.
Exhibit A: omg!!!! What the fuckkkk ): I'm so sorry!!!
NSIL: hha its ok. yeah it does :( thanks though, love ya
And the intrigue lies mostly in the fact that it's the only time I've ever seen NSIL refer, even remotely, to DH's FOC. Her statement that "they changed their phone numbers" stands out to me because the "they" she refers to are DH and me, respectively. I think she wanted to think that "they" changed their numbers instead of "DH changed HIS number" because, while she's busy hating him for "walking out on her," she's also trying to pawn off the responsiblity on me. For taking him away from her, obviously. But here's the thing: At that time, the only number that had changed was DH's cell phone number. My cell phone number was still the same. Our email addresses were still the same. Our physical address was still the same. Our house number is (and continues to be) unchanged. We didn't change our numbers. DH changed his. But her very convenient choice of words made it sound more like DH had become completely unreachable...and it was really mostly Jonsi's fault. Furthermore, I find myself also pondering the idea that the responsiblity for contact lay completely on DH's shoulders. "When did you last hear from him?" is not a question that puts much responsiblity in NSIL's court, nor does her answer indicate that she was receptive to the idea of reaching out to him. Again, she makes it sound as though the fact that we changed our phone numbers made him completely unreachable. Even now though, we aren't unreachable. Call our house phone, bitch, if you're so "willing to do anything to get your brother back."