Tuesday, July 3, 2012

On Truth

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. -Mark Twain

Anyone who doesn't take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either. -Albert Einstein

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. -Martin Luther King Jr.

The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.
-Winston Churchill

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. -Gloria Steinem

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -Aldous Huxley

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it. -Flannery O'Connor

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. -Jess C. Scott

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first. -Jim Morrison

Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love. -Fryodor Dostoyevsy

A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
-William Blake, Auguries of Innocence
All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know. -Ernest Hemingway
People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all. -Ayn Rand

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. -C.S. Lewis

With a secret like that, at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not. -Sara Gruen

The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it.  -Margaret Wood
Honest is how I want to look. The truth doesn't glitter and shine. -Chuck Palahniuk

You think when you wake up in the mornin yesterday don't count. But yesterday is all that does count. What else is there? Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of. Nothin else. -Cormack McCarthy

Truth is on the side of the oppressed. -Malcolm X

Knowing can be a curse on a person's life. I'd traded in a pack of lies for a pack of truth, and I didn't know which one was heavier. Which one took the most strength to carry around? It was a ridiculous question, though, because once you know the truth, you can't ever go back and pick up your suitcase of lies. Heavier or not, the truth is yours now. -Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees)

The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away. Puzzling. - Robert M. Pirsig

I am stuffing your mouth with your promises and watching you vomit them out upon my face. -Ann Sexton

Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies. - Dorothy Allison (Bastard Out of Carolina)

Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons. - Michael Jackson

Transformation is my favorite game and in my experience, anger and frustration are the result of you not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life. Being fake about anything creates a block inside of you. Life can’t work for you if you don’t show up as you. -Jason Mraz

I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all. -Leo Rosten

Trust starts with truth and ends with truth. -Santosh Kalwar

Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it. -Leo Tolstoy (A Confession)
When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie. -Yevgeny Yevtushenko
...when two opposite points of view are expressed with equal intensity, the truth does not necessarily lie exactly halfway between them. It is possible for one side to be simply wrong. -Richard Dawkins
If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed. It is the person who continues in his self-deception and ignorance who is harmed. -Marcus Aurelius
Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion. -Edward Abbey
The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently. -Pema Chödrön
No human should mislead another by promising them something they know to be untrue. -Santosh Kalwar
In a room where
people unanimously maintain
a conspiracy of silence,
one word of truth
sounds like a pistol shot.
-Czesław Miłosz
The truth is always an abyss. One must — as in a swimming pool — dare to dive from the quivering springboard of trivial everyday experience and sink into the depths, in order to later rise again — laughing and fighting for breath — to the now doubly illuminated surface of things. -Franz Kafka
It is difficult to see ourselves as we are. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to have good friends, lovers or others who will do us the good service of telling us the truth about ourselves. When we don't, we can so easily delude ourselves, lose a sense of truth about ourselves, and our conscience loses power and purpose. Mostly, we tell ourselves what we would like to hear. We lose our way. -Jon Katz

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. -Albert Einstein

How 'bout a shot of truth in that denial cocktail? -Jennifer Salaiz

If you're not gonna tell the truth, then why start talking? -Gene Wilder

They're just words. And words alone don't really mean anything. It's what you feel and what you believe when you say them that matter. - Dana Reinhardt (How to Build a House)
I think all of us are looking for that which does not admit of bullshit . . . If you tell me you can bench press 450, hell, we'll load up the bar and put you under it. Either you can do it or you can't do it—you can't bullshit. -Harry Crews
Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it. -Blaise Pascal

Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth? -Bill Waterson

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. -Mark Twain


  1. Awesome collection, Jonsi!

    I still can't quite believe my own truth because my NPs have called me a liar or revised history for so long. Gaslighting is a way of life for NM.

    When I write a post about an interaction with my NFOO I agonize over every word/recollection, asking myself over and over, "Is that EXACTLY how it happened?"

    Even though, I only have to copy and paste emails from the NGC to watch him trip over his own lies, the voice of my NPs still speaks of MY lies in my head.

    I'm blessed/cursed with absolute recall. Thanks to a lifetime of questioning my own reality, I can close my eyes and relive any event in detail. To this day, I never take notes at meetings. (Maybe I should thank my NPs!)

    It's pathetic, at my age (66), I still question my own truth!

    1. Mulderfan,
      I understand exactly what you are saying because gaslighting was my NM weapon of choice as well. To the point where I would start to question if I was capable of telling or seeing the truth for what it really was or making-up scenarios in my head. I have been called a "human tape recorder" because I can go back and tell you word for word every part of a conversation and when I do so...NM, NSIS's will tell me I am wrong and that is not the way it happened at all.

      I think it just infuriated them to hear how insane and crazy they really are when I would go back and tell them all of the ridiculous things they would say so in turn, they would tell me "oh, I never said that, you are just making it all up!" You are right though, I feel at times it is a curse...I lay in bed going over all of the terrible and hurtful things they have said knowing full well it will not change anything...it only hurts me, I gain nothing from replaying the conversations over for the 100th time.

      My favorite is the 1st one...If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything. After years of NM throwing me under the bus (too many times to count) and telling me lie after lie, I would get the nerve to question her about it. The answer was always the same, "I can't rememeber what happened"...probably because you can't keep your lies straight!

      Awesome post Jonsi!

    2. I think it must be seen as both a blessing and a curse that you can remember everything. I too remember details very, very well because I think it's so important and I don't want to miss anything. But you're right, at the end of the day, sometimes it just hurts REALLY bad, all those skills of observation and retention. But I would still choose to remember things, crisp and clear. I don't believe that there is ANY happiness in forgetting or teaching yourself that you're better off if you don't know. Ignorance is NOT bliss.

      And I agree - the "I can't remember" line is typical of narcissists: if they can't "remember" what they did, then no one can hold them accountable, right? Hogwash. They remember what they did. There isn't anything wrong with their memories at all. They've just chosen to believe there is, or else they're just lying outright EVERY time they say they can't remember.

      Ever ask a narc for the truth and they sit there and think for ten minutes? It's not because they're trying to remember. They're trying to sort through their own lies, to figure out how much to give you, if anything at all.

      They definitely can't keep their own lies straight. There's just too many of them.

  2. muldefan, Honey even Buddhists have truths. Yes, you DO have your own truth. No, it's not pathetic, it's your life, Little One. You KNOW "Your left from your right." And if you don't bear witness to your own life, they surely will, no?! It seems this has been their "Life's WORK," to convince you of your own lack of knowledge, your own "LACK," period the end.
    Sometimes I'm amazed you're still standin'. They "liked" you a whole lot better when you were on your knees.

    1. Thanks TW!

      The fact is, I am still standing because I am one tough broad, partly because of the shit my NPs put me through!

      I was raised to be an organized, hard-working woman who could raise a kid and run a household by the time I was thirteen! Meanwhile, NF treated me like a son so I can build things a do a bit of plumbing and electrical as well.

      Long story as to how I "accidentally" left home at 19!

      Not much of a leap for me to get an education while working full time, buy a house and support myself nicely before I even met my DH. All comes in pretty handy now I'm a widow.

      These days, those silly buggers underestimate what they created...big time!

      Fuck 'em!

  3. Dear Jonsi, here your faithful reader, coming back after being MIA due to fighting a depression, first of all I want to thank you for your compassionate and sensitive post about where is justice? that I asked you to write about, fantastic post that really made me see things in a totally different light, you have no idea how much I needed to read it today! Been catching up on your blog and thank you so much for giving a voice to all of us who are married to ACON, for making sense of what many times we can't and putting a name on it, for making me believe I'm not crazy or imagining things.

    DH's FOO is once again viciously resuming their stalking against us, it's almost 4 years of intense stalking and doesn't seem it will ever go away, we are once again looking into going back to court and getting another restraining order, it's a nightmare that seems to never end and who has made us lose everything we had, there's nothing else DH's FOO can take away from us anymore (we lost friends, money, jobs, homes, everything) but our determination to keep fighting them and that they will never take!!!! No matter what they say or do we have proof of the TRUTH, documented, solid proof, we have exposed them and will continue to do so, we will never give up, never!!!

    Keep up the good fight against this monsters and keep exposing them for what they are nothing but pathetic delusional cowards!!!!

    You have all my admiration and respect,
    Big hugs

    1. As always Faithful, I am sad to hear of the troubles you face from your N In-laws. Sometimes it feels like we're all fighting the same battle, practically against the same people.

      I am glad that I can give voice to anyone, and I'm happy to try my best to answer reader questions, including your rather thought-provoking ones. I think that, though it is sometimes so, so difficult, this is worth the fight. Our freedom, our self-respect, our desire to protect what is ours is worth the fight.

      We'll keep fighting the monsters here too.

      Hugs back,


  4. Beautiful post, thanks Jonsi.

  5. My mom is definitely the person of the Waterson quote.

    I was the pistol shot in Milosz's quote.

    And I am trying my best to live Jim Morrison's quote (without his chemical dependency issues which strike me as pretty inauthentic, but maybe I'm biased)

    I was talking to a friend today, complimenting him on some of his writing, and I said that I don't say things I don't mean. I was really pleased when he responded, "I know you don't."

    I want to be surrounded by people who I can he myself around and who feel the same about being with me. I'm not sure I entirely agree with the quote about the purpose in life not being to be happy -- I think living as the best person you can be begets happiness.

  6. I started my truth campaign and thought I was doing great. Then I started reading Toxic Parents. The questions at the beginning of the book I expected to sail through, no problem. I stumbled over the first one, realizing I lied to myself first. It took me six months to to go back to that list and tackle it again. I read the question very slowly and didn't allow a knee jerk response. I thought about it, and for the first time answered it completely honestly. I took each question just as slowly, thinking about what was being asked and carefully considering the answer, forcing myself to remember anything that might fit the scenario. I love "The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable," which helped me immensely in my truth campaign. I still have to recite to myself "Stopping lying, to everyone, especially to yourself." I spent decades lying. I know it's going to take years to unlearn the habit, though it isn't nearly as difficult as it I feared it might be now that I'm getting the hang of it.

  7. I had no memories. Nothing to compare. I couldn't deny things. Even if I wrote it down, I would put it in a safe place and be gone forever. Now I am starting to remember. The things they told me I said were lies, weren't. It was the other way around. These quotes are amazing. I think I will copy them to a place were I can review them daily. I choose to tell the truth. I will not lie to say everything is all right when it isn't. Thanks for battling forward toward truth.

  8. Hey Faithful? The next time you go back to Court get a PERMANENT RO. If you get another Temporary RO, they might wait....until one second after midnight the day the Temporary RO expires and start up again. (Bet on it.) And I'm sure you know to call Law Enforcement first time, every time they violate the order. Please ensure your new Order includes Third Party Contact through others including any other "well-intended"/fixer types/"mediator" types, family members, PIs etc. and through ANY means-electronic, snail mail, Voice Mails, Publications of any type. Yes, they WILL use the Local Newspapers to place ads seeking essentially to cultivate a community of Flying Monkeys- minimally. If you were able to procure a Temporary RO and they continued with the same stuff as soon as the Temporary expired you shouldn't have a problem getting a Permanent RO.

  9. Truth from my mother isn't even relative.
    If her mouth is moving she is lying.
    No need for semantics.
    No need to split hairs.
    All my life I turned a blind eye to truth.
    It was the only way to maintain a relationship with my mother.
    As she went, so went the lies.
    The lies she tells. The way I gamed myself to be in the same room with her.
    I am not a liar.
    But she tarnished even that.
    Great post Jonsi.
    Too bad it made me think about some things in a new way. Which is good. I just hate sounding out even more depth to the sickness that bitch foisted on me.
    You can't even graze that bitch without getting more disease from her.

    1. "You can't even graze that bitch without getting more disease from her."

      Q, my cousin and I have talked a lot lately about what it felt like to be in the presence of my NF. As NF has become almost ancient (93) it's like he's given up any pretense of human decency. Like a malevolent being in a cheap horror flick, he sits there with his eyes hooded just simmering with hatred. The evil is palpable and you can feel him ready to open his mouth and spew it all over you.

      Cousin tells me, it's pretty much always been like that, but I guess I never wanted to see the TRUTH about my own father.

      Real TRUTH...it terrifies me knowing NF's genes reside in me!

    2. Poetic, Q. And I'm sad for you, even though I'm pretty sure you'll say something like, "Don't be sad for me!" I think that you'll ALWAYS be fighting your mother on some level, for the rest of your life. I mean, the struggle gets less and less as time passes, but it will always be there on some level.

      My dad was that way with his dysfunctional parents (his father was schizophrenic; his mother was a BIG time shamer). When his father died a few years ago, he was STILL holding out just that little bit of hope that he could have had a relationship with the guy, even though logically-speaking, he knew that could never happen.

      I need to thank you, Q. You recently said some things to me that REALLY made a difference. I was thinking about some things you've said recently and I'm going to be working on a post with those things in mind.