Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Expectations

I recently told DH that I don't expect anything of anyone else that I don't expect of myself. I've created a list of things that I expect of myself and I wanted to share them with you. I know that I may not always hit every goal, but damn it, I'm going to try. And I'm going to keep trying because failure is not an option. I will not fail because my husband is counting on me; my children are counting on me; and I am counting on me.

I expect that:

-I will always tell the truth, even when I'm afraid of the consequences; even if I've done something wrong or think I might have; even when it means that the recipient of that truth may lose respect for me because of what I've done.

-I will follow-through on what I say I will do, especially when I've made a promise, big or small, to my children. For example, if I tell them they can watch a movie after nap, I expect to follow through and not leave it up to them to remind me of my promise.

-I will treat everyone with kindness and consideration, and apologize when I have not done so. But I also expect that

-I will not tolerate abuse, of myself, my husband, my children, or any of my loved ones, be they friends or be they family. And I expect that if someone attempts to abuse any of said parties, I will defend them, tooth and nail. And after I have said my piece, I will walk away, and take my loved ones with me.

-I will respect boundaries. And if I have overstepped another's boundaries unknowingly and they point it out to me, I expect that I will apologize and make an effort never to do it again, even if I don't agree with them.

-I will be polite and always use my manners.

-I will be helpful and not helpless.

-I will offer my insights when I think it necessary; but shut my mouth when I know that an individual does not desire my unsolicited advice.

-I will treat my husband kindly and patiently, as he continues to fight the hardest battle of his entire existence. But I also expect that

-I will not give up on my efforts to help him, show him, prove to him that what we are doing together is right and good and beautiful. I expect that I will continue to educate myself about narcissism so that DH and I can always maintain a dialog about his FOO; and so that we can be as prepared as possible for every new attack they launch.

-I will not be selfish, only selfless, especially where it pertains to my children. I am here for them, not the other way around, which means that their needs (and in some cases wants) come before my own needs and ALWAYS before my own wants. But I also expect that

-I will find time that doesn't interfere with the needs of my children to relax, take a breath, and clear my head. I don't need much time, but I do expect that I will find ten or fifteen minutes, every day, to mentally prepare myself so that I can be as patient and calm with them as I can be. The days are hectic and tiring, but I want to enjoy them because I'll never get them back once they are gone. It's important to me to enjoy every day with them, even when they are testing my patience and the rules.

-I will explore new methods of handling issues that come up when I find that my first solution isn't working. I will consult people who are more skilled, better equipped, or more knowledgeable than me to help me make it through difficult situations. I will read self-help books and I will do my best to take criticism well, so long as I trust the person giving the advice and I know that their intentions are pure.

-I will never stagnate or refuse to change, particularly when the times call for it.

-I will not participate in gossip, especially where it pertains to people that I love. No one will ever hear me speak badly of my husband or children. While I will tell the truth about them and discuss my issues with a therapist or other loved ones who may be able to help, I will not badmouth anyone for the sake of badmouthing.

-I will be honest with myself and fight any desire to enter a world of denial.

-I will be genuine with everyone; including people I don't like or have little interest in having a relationship with. I see no point in being fake; people can always see through it, even if they are in denial about it. I wish to be seen as someone who is real, even if that means that people don't like me.

-I will ask when I have a question and

-I will work, everyday, on maintaining my self-esteem; for myself first and foremost, but also for my children.

-I will find ways to stop obsessing when I find myself falling into the habit.

-I will keep my mind sharp by actively thinking, exploring, doing, and learning. I will be an active participant in my own life and

-I will always offer help when my children need me. I will be the one person they can trust, without a doubt, forever in their lives. It is my hope that they all grow and prosper and eventually find love in relationships where they are loved and respected in return for who they are, not what they can do; but until then, or for as long as I am needed, I will try and never stop trying to be whatever they need me to be.

-I will  be the kind of friend that I would like others to be.

-I will help DH fight his unhealthy legacy so that we can raise happy, healthy children together.

-I will not give up. Ever.

3 comments:

  1. The day you get married you say words that bind you to another for the rest of your lives. You best mean them.
    Because your Wedding Day IS special: The marriage and fulfillment of those words now begins.
    -It's not gonna be pretty
    -It's not gonna be easy
    There will be times and periods when you wonder,
    -"What the hell was I THINKING?"
    -"Who the hell ARE you?"
    -"Who the hell AM I?"
    And you're not gonna like your spouse-AT ALL.
    Being in a committed relationship, having kids, growing yourself and with someone else is never easy.
    But now and then there's a moment or two where you know it was the best decision of your life. And if you had to do it all over again, you'd STILL say, "I do." Not just because you did, but because you couldn't imagine you or your life any other way.
    Nor would you want it to be.
    TW

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  2. "I expect to follow through and not leave it up to them to remind me of my promise."

    I love this point. So many people in my life make these false promises, knowing that I don't like to have to ask someone to hold people to their promises. I mean, if they really meant it, I wouldn't have to remind them of it.

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  3. I love "always use my manners". Think how much better the world would be if more people did this.

    My dear, you sound so much like me inner thoughts. Always wanting to give all of myself to my kids. Never being willing to put myself before them. I struggle with this too. However, I do try and remind myself, that taking care of their mother, letting her relax, breathe, regroup, is putting my kids first (I remind myself of this A LOT). And sometimes, that may mean that they have to hold on, or will not be happy about my decision. I do think it's important that they know mom is a human too, mom needs to recharge, and mom values herself enough to take care of herself. Not in the narcissistic way where a woman always puts herself first, but sometimes they have to know that others are important too.

    Above all, you are an inspiration. I so wish more people could not only have these values, but would actually make the commitment to live them. Your husband and your children are, no doubt, lucky to have you. Your genuineness is apparent, and I respect you for your commitment to be real (but polite) instead of liked. To live in truth, live each day, and be kind, thoughtful, and helpful while always searching to improve ourselves should be the goal.

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