Monday, July 16, 2012

The Color Of Sick And Envy

I'm with DH. It doesn't look like DH, except I know it's him. We're together, I get the sense that we're dating, like our relationship is new again. We're sitting in a room in some house that looks like it's straight out of the seventies era - there's lots of brown: a brown shag rug, dark brown corduroy sofa, brown paneled walls. There is a green desk lamp casting a sick green glow on everything. The brown looks like puke. It feels like sick. And envy. He tells me he's been seeing someone else on the side. I knew this and I am sad and angry. I want to know who she is, how long this has been going on. He says, "Forever." I get up from the couch and go to the window. When I look outside, she is there, off in the distance, sitting on a swing, looking at me. She is ten years old.

I am terrified. And disgusted because the woman he has been seeing is a little girl.

She is just staring at me and when I look at her, it feels like she is right in front of me even though she is actually probably about fifty feet away. And I know that she can see everything; she can see into the house, into the window; she is looking at us and at me. She's sitting on a swing, not swinging. There is an older boy, sitting like a parasite next to her, straddling her in the same swing. He is talking to her and I can see his mouth moving but I can't hear what he is saying to her and she doesn't look like she hears him or cares. All she cares about is looking at us and making DH jealous. She has that boy with her to make him jealous.

Then I am behind her but she doesn't know I'm there. She's coming for DH. She gets up from the swing set. The older boy follows her like a duckling but she ignores him. I am watching her from behind. She has to cross a substantial body of water to get to the house and I know that if she makes it, it will only be a few more feet and then she'll be at the house. She has to knock over a bunch of boats that are standing up in the water, they are somehow floating on their sterns. She knocks them over so that they are in the correct position, floating stern to bow, stern to bow, so that all she has to do is walk from one boat to the next to get to the dock on the other side. A stranger, a man, stands on the dock calling to her. I do not know him. I wish he would stop calling out to her.

She begins to cross the water, using the boats, and as she does, people are falling into the water and drowning. Some are dead before they hit the water, others drown once they fall in. I continue to follow her. At one point, I am in the water too and it is green and murky and there are dead bodies everywhere. I am terrified. I struggle to keep my head out of the water, I focus on kicking my legs. The water looks and feels like pea soup. Then I am suddenly out of the water again, watching her progress to the other side. Sometimes she steps on dead bodies in the water. When she gets to the dock, she kills the man who was calling to her and throws him in the water too. None of the people who are dying put up a fight, save for the ones who are drowning. They don't want to die.

Suddenly, an image of DH, he's right next to the little girl. She looks at him. Her eyes are glowing green from within, her skin is reflecting the green from the light of a streetlamp. DH's mouth opens impossibly wide, like a snake unhinging it's jaw, and he bites the top of her head. She is dead. I am crying and so terribly frightened. I tell DH, "No! Don't do that. Don't kill her! I know she needs to die but you can't do that. Don't kill her, then you will be bad too."

And then it starts all over again but in fast-forward. Again, I see the little girl on the swing and she looks so evil, just staring at us and I feel like she knows everything and I don't want her to. And again I see the boats and death and green water. This time though, when she gets to DH, he asks me to go next door to one of our neighbor's houses and borrow a ladder. He comes with me, the girl is following us. We get there together, but while I am asking for the ladder, DH takes a shovel and gets in the neighbor's car with the little girl and drives away. I cry. "Don't do this, come back." When I finally find him, the girl is dead again. He hit her on the head with a shovel. Her head is split down the middle and her brains are leaking out onto the pavement in the middle of the street. The green streetlamps cast an eery glow in the mist.

I realize now that she has to die and that DH must do it. I also know that he's doing it the wrong way. The dream starts over again. It continues this way, always ending with DH killing her in the head. And then it starts again from the beginning.

When I awoke, I knew that little girl was NMIL. I understand why I had this nightmare and what it means.


  1. Oh, Jonsi. That is horrible. Just horrible. I don't have anything to say about this except it is horrible and I feel how difficult it must've been for you. I hope in your analysis you've found some peace.

  2. Oh :( I know these kind of dreams, when you think the horror is finally over and then it starts over and over again. I feel so sorry for you that you have these dreams.

    I wish you all the strength with NMIL.

  3. What an awful, vivid dream. Wishing you comfort and peace. (((Jonsi)))