Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Can't Buy Me Love

It seems to me that EFIL and L are so comfortable in their role as grandparents to the grandchildren that L's adult kids are producing that they don't have a "need" for ours. My thought is that L's kids are closer in proximity and easier to manipulate, and by proxy so are their little ones. On July 21, L's son had a baby with his girlfriend. It was a bit of a surprise to me, as L's son did not seem to be the type of guy who'd want to have kids (at least not for the brief time that I knew him) but fine, perhaps that changed. DH and I don't really know the circumstances, all we know is that he had a baby with his long-term girlfriend of a few years.

So now, EFIL and L have two grandchildren on L's side, with another on the way in September.

My, but aren't they just the "picture" of the perfect little family, right? I envision them having their little ridiculously large family get togethers, to which they invite every friend and long-lost relative they've ever known, and having everyone fawn over the newest little tykes. I imagine that EFIL and L will buy the love of whatever grandchildren are in the nearest vicinity as they have tried to buy the love of their children. They'll purchase big and expensive gifts for the little ones, and always make sure to meet their $600 Christmas gift quota. They'll host a boatload of lavish dinner parties and expect all the children to come and stay up way past their bedtimes. They'll dote on those grandchildren with all the love money can buy. Frankly, that's the only kind of generosity I ever experienced from DH's father and step-mother, and I am quite certain that I can live without it.

DH has always said that he felt like an outsider whenever he spent time with his father and step-mother and her kids. Whenever he spent time with his father and his father's new family, he describes feeling like he didn't belong, like he wasn't a part of their family unit. So it's not all that surprising that a man who never had a real interest in his own son wouldn't have a real interest in his son's children either.

But, there is of course, good news in all of this, and that is that DH's EF may very well have given up on his "effort" to win DH back. EFIL and L can broadcast their attempts to the world, saying that it was DH and I who sabotaged our "loving" relationship with them, after which they'll likely never speak of us again, except in hushed tones behind their hands when a neighbor or distant cousin unknowingly opens up a can of worms by asking about the kid in all the family photos that never seems to be around. In my estimation, EFIL and L are happy, having sent their last parting shots (a nasty birthday message to me and one final email to DH in which EFIL spearheaded the idea that he will NEVER accept DH's reality) and feel that they can rest easy, since they've done their "good deeds for the day." Personally, I think EFIL and L are nearly done with what amounted to a weak rescue campaign and that they will go on about their business ignoring that DH was ever a son of theirs to begin with.

I consider all of that to be a blessing because, if they aren't going to change, I don't want them around anyway. I'll just sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet. Eventually, if they haven't already, they'll give up.

10 comments:

  1. It IS a Blessing. DH may not get that yet, but he will.
    I don't think NMIL is "done" yet-I believe she'll continue to periodically send emails, especially after NSIL leaves for school-"Empty Nest" and all that. Despite "the long umbilical cord" of cell phones etc. I expect her to turn her "attention" to DH unless she has a "hot new prospect" in sight. They're never alone for long.
    This must be so hard for all of you. I really am so sorry, jonsi. It's like walking into a nicely appointed Snake Pit and you don't realize there's not only the harmless "garden snake" variety that will just slither away and avoid you at all costs, there are also Vipers-On-Crack/Steroids and who knows when/why/what will set them off. They're not reacting to the external world, but the crazy in their own head and their basic nature of predation.
    TW

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    1. I'm happy to say that, after three hours of playing around with his email account for his work computer, we finally figured out how to reject incoming messages from his FOO. We've actually got it down to a science: The message will be permanently deleted and she'll get a bounce-back message saying it hasn't been received. I'm doing my happy dance over here and thinking, "There bitch. Eat THAT."

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  2. WOO HOO!! WAY-TO-GO!!
    Watch how she'll attempt to breach that barrier-betcha she'll try from ANOTHER 'puter, cell phone what ever.
    And THAT, right there should show you all you want and need to know: This isn't about "restoration" of a relationship-it's a power and control battle and you're NOT allowed to "win."
    But this will buy you all some time and breathing room. Their attempts to disregard boundaries are a dead give-away, IMO regarding "intent." And the "Game" they're playing because to them, IMHO it IS a "Game." I do believe mine got her jollies out of knowing she could "Out Smart Me" so she was gonna SHOW ME who was "Boss!"
    Yeesch. Sickos.
    TW

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    1. I wouldn't at all be surprised if she attempted to find a way around our new "rules." But if nothing else, I've developed a great sixth sense when it comes to these people...and I don't think NMIL is going to be able to "outsmart" us. I'm feeling pretty savvy right now. ;O)

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  3. Don't take this personally there is no correlation, but when I read about your DH's parents this movie comes to mind.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wfy0wdA2pQ&feature=relmfu

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    1. Bah! Haha! Take it personally? Nope, I think that's pretty much spot on.

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  4. Hey, someone HAS to be "The ENEMY" in these situations and you've been unanimously "elected." Congratulations.
    Like you need this in addition to the backdrop of your every day life. I just can't tell you how sorry I am. I know it's not you, personally, but when it effects those you love it's damn personal and there's no denying that.
    Thank gawd for our partners. I had a great one and I know I was fortunate as hell. No one else would have put up with this shit.
    TW

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    1. I definitely was elected to be the enemy, and I never asked to be elected. But, ah, isn't that the game all narcs like to play? "Here, step into this assigned role we've created for you. We won't even tell you the rules. You just have to guess, play along, and take all of the shit we'll dish out." I really agree with you that NMIL is going to keep her finger in the pie as long as she can. We're just going to do everything we can to keep sending the message that she either takes her finger out, or we'll cut it off (and then throw it at her).

      I don't play these games. DH is learning how not to play them too. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Narcs don't play where they think they won't win.

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  5. Yes, that is the truth. But getting it through their heads they won't "win" takes a united front-which you and DH have demonstrated-and tenacity. Some NPs back off fairly early because they've refused to engage in any kind of genuine introspection and don't wish to in any event-ie. their thinking is far too rigid to allow for such; others are relentless which speaks not only to rigidity, but aggressive retribution, not restoration of the relationship. (Again, the different "flavors" of NPs.)
    IMO, the biggest "Strategical Error/Blunder" EPs make is NOT giving their AC the time the AC needs and has requested. If they would bide their time, turn it over so to speak as one of those situations in life you CAN'T CONTROL (nor should we attempt to control others) a temporary estrangement does NOT have to become permanent. The EPs decision that "Time's UP Because I Say So" speaks to a total lack of respect for their AC as an autonomous human being, a blatant attempt to fulfill the EPs "needs" and a clearly (unexamined) sense of entitlement. If an AC has requested a "Time Out" from the parent(s), the parent(s) should understand the relationship is already quite fragile and tenuous...and conduct themselves accordingly. Have faith in your stated belief you ARE and WERE a "good parent" by demonstrating that through your behavior. None of us-either ACs OR Parent(s)-want to be estranged, if at all possible. It is painful for everyone, no doubt. However, violating boundaries speaks to an unwillingness on the part of the EP to treat their AC as anything other than an appendage, an extension of THEM and their WANTS-ex: "Appearances." It surely does not speak to love, trust, respect, the essential elements of all human relationships. I am still in awe of how your parents conducted themselves during your temporary estrangement: Contrast their responses with those demonstrated by NPs which are oh-so-classic they become quite predictable.
    The difference is striking. And made all the difference between a difficult time in the relationship, a "bump in the road" and ensuring a Temporary Estrangement would NOT result in a Permanent Estrangement. If you truly believe in your "Parenting" and in the genuine strength of the foundation of the relationship with your AC, conduct yourself accordingly. I've not encountered a single AC who would NOT have revisited their decision had the EP NOT, through their behavior, further eroded any hope for reconciliation.
    TW

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    1. I believe, TW, that if we could sum up the process of NC in a "nutshell," that description would be it.

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