Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Contrived Suprise

I was browsing the threads over at DailyStrength recently and I came across one that got my noodle flowing. The group I was browsing happened to be Christian Parents of Estranged Adult Children (you know, because the CHRISTIAN parents of estranged children have it so much harder than the HEATHEN parents of estranged children that they must distinguish themselves accordingly). I check that particular group's postings often because I'm hoping it will give me more insight into the fucked-up thought processes of DH's born-again-Christian-bible-thumping father. In a post written on April 7, 2012, user GuelsMom responded to a post titled, If we only get one chance at a surprise encounter. She wrote [bolding and enlarging of text for emphasis, mine]:

...I don't think I am the one to say which is best to pray first and have something ready or if it is best to address at the time of an unexpected encounter...I don't have to worry about chance encounters either because ES lives hundreds of miles from here. He would never show up here unannounced - ever. DH and I have discussed driving to where he lives and showing up at his workplace when he gets out of work to try to talk to him without DIL around to influence him but that was just a momentary thing and I don't think we will do that without some kind of movement on their part first...Good question though for those that might live near their EK's!

So my thought on this is that the scenario GuelsMom is describing is not exactly a surprise encounter...it's actually more like an ambush. First of all, she's totally premeditated her fantasy meeting with her son to be one where he'd automatically be uncomfortable, defensive, and caught off-guard, likely without his biggest supporter around to help him. By "influence" him, she really means "support" him. That's not at all an ideal situation in which to have a mature, adult conversation with someone who has cut off contact with you. And it reminded me of my theory that there are no coincidences when it comes to narcissists because every move they make is calculated and carefully measured to ensure their own personal success. The situations they "find" themselves in are almost always contrived, kind of like the cheating spouse who "Oops!" just "accidentally" had their penis "slip" into another woman's vagina. "Like, woopsy-daisy! How'd that happen?"

The narcissist's version of this with their kids is more like, "Well, howdy son! Fancy meeting you here, at your work, that it took me months to find after I paid a private investigator to track you down, since you moved over a thousand miles away from me and never told me where. And, oh! Too bad, your wife's not around either? Shucks, whadayaknow? I guess I'll have to try brainwashing you without her around. And here, have a couple of useless trinkets for all the kids. I don't know how many you have now, so I bought ten, just in case. After I'm done trying to embarrass and strong-arm you in front of your co-workers, would you just go home and tell them how much Grammy looooooves them?"

I have a BIG problem with anyone, regardless of their relationship with my husband, who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to expect him to talk with them and then keep it a secret from me, or to just keep their secrets, period. In a healthy marriage, there are no secrets. That doesn't mean the participating members of the marriage don't have a right to privacy. But privacy and secrets are two very different things - privacy is acceptable. Secrets are not. And I say, fuck anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

22 comments:

  1. HAHAHA! Fancy meeting you here at YOUR work! FANCY THAT!
    Oh, "to try to talk to him without DIL around to influence him." That's not what they mean. What they mean is, "Let's separate him from his herd to get him alone and weak so we can kill and eat him." Two cheetahs having a conversation about gazelles, particularly baby gazelles who are especially sweet and tender and so easy. And juicy!
    "Let's get that gazelle alone. We don't want him being influenced by other gazelles now. While we eat him. Makes him taste funny and ruins the whole meal, you know? I think I'm going to throw up just thinking about it." Cheetah problems.

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just read this through three times, out loud. I have a feeling it'll make me laugh every time I read it, even if it's months from now.

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    2. I AGREE, THAT IS HYSTERICAL LISA!

      "makes him taste funny"...isn't that the truth. God forbid you beat down and berate and torture someone in front of the witnesses. That's no fun. It's only if everyone laughs and has a good time in the name of "family".

      Jonsi, this lady's comment pissed me off to know end. What is Christian about jumping someone? What is Christian about deception and dishonesty and having the upper hand in a situation? Really, if they had any VALID points, shouldn't they be able to say them in front of anyone? If they weren't just trying to WIN, but rather share concerns and thoughts, it shouldn't really matter who his influences are.
      And I've got to say, it annoys me to no end that these parents, who think there children are so perfect, willing accept the idea that their estranged kids were completely innocent in the estrangement. They had to be abducted by the devil (DIL). But really, what does that say about how they feel about their kids. Must be that their kids are such dim witted dupes that they are easily persuaded and charmed into following any old bitch that comes along? Well, if their kids are that stupid, than who's fault is that?

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    3. Too funny, Lisa! Cheetah problems. Thanks for the laugh! But wait, is this my MIL and she decided to follow through? Jessie, I've often thought the same thing about these Nparents' thinking- that their estranged adult children have been duped into estrangement by us evil DIL's. And can't they see what it reflects about their parenting skills as well? I mean, they think their kids were this easily duped into completely changing their lives - often costing them lots of money and time to get away, starting over? If they really believe that their adult kids are so duped, couldn't it mean that they didn't do a great job raising their kids?

      My dad does this sort of thing to me when we get into disagreements about politics. He's says something like, "Oh - you're just surrounded by those liberals out there...." Like hey stupid daughter- you're so gullible. I think, huh, so all those years I was surrounded ONLY by fundamentalist Christians (in a cult-like environment) and agreed with their politics (as a kid knowing nothing else) I was thinking for myself - no brainwashing there. But when, as an adult who left the fundamentalist community and who has nothing to gain or lose there, I'm surrounded by people with many different opinions- somehow I'm being brainwashed since I came to different conclusions. What does that say about how he raised me? He knows better, but he's just scared to admit the truth. Maybe he hasn't thought it through to the conclusion of what it says about him. So he just buries his head in the sand. It's just easier to pretend it's the fault of that liberal state university I attended when I left the (unaccredited, "better than Ivy League") cult school or the stereotype of people in the state I live in.

      "In a healthy marriage, there are no secrets." YES, Jonsi! This is what our NMIL's must hate the most. NMIL deals in secrets and lies....it's her bread and butter. Without her secrets, she has to do her dirty work much more openly - and she doesn't like that because the sunlight makes her burst into flames! -J

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    4. Jessie - "What is Christian about jumping someone? What is Christian about deception and dishonesty and having the upper hand in a situation?"

      My answer is: nothing. I'm not a Christian, I don't subscribe to any particular religion. Actually, I consider myself an agnostic. But I still think there is value in some of the main concepts of major world religions; they are supposed to be teaching love, respect, dignity, compassion, honesty, etc. But what you get, with these bible-thumping hypocrites, is a bunch of people who hide behind their Christianity and use it as a panacea for everything. It's as ridiculous as someone who uses Windex as a cure all. Got warts? Christianity will help!

      I have to agree with you, too, on the point (well, all points really, but I'm just picking out one) that estranged parents seem more interested in believing that their kid's are just limp noodles than to take ANY sort of responsibility for having turned their kids away completely. I don't think a limp noodle would ever be able to walk away from abuse, so in actuality, their kids are the complete opposite!

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    5. J - I know, the whole idea that their estranged adult kids have been "brainwashed" is so stupid. I was, once upon a time, one of the few estranged kids who actually left my (healthy) FOO behind to be with an abusive guy...but I'm SO willing to bet that the estranged parents we've encountered, in particular most of the ones on DS and the like, are NOTHING like my parents. Most of the attitudes I've seen and encountered are much more like my in-laws than my own parents.

      The main difference is that in a healthy, loving FOO, a parent who has been estranged from his/her child is ACTUALLY concerned for the child and worried for their well-being. A narcissistic parent doesn't give a damn about their children, except insofar as his value as narcissistic supply.

      I had a friend while I was dating my narco-ex, who once explained to me that particular phenomenon because I was trying to convince him (and really myself) that my boyfriend really did care about me afterall. The story I related to show how much my narco-ex cared was that he came to "rescue" me once when my car broke down in the middle of the night. And my friend at the time explained that my boyfriend didn't truly care, in the way that a "normal" person would, whether I had lived or died, gotten raped or whatever. He only "cared" about something bad happening to me because if I died, he'd have to start all over, grooming some other poor bitch into submission so he could skull-fuck HER. He didn't want to lose his control. That's all he was afraid of losing.

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    6. I'm sure it happens though like you said not with the frequency that most parents on DS would make us think. I'm glad you figured him out. It seems like you have a really healthy, beautiful family and that's something to cherish. I'll bet your family would never have dreamed of jumping you at work and bullying/embarrassing you. -J

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    7. No, J. They never did that. In fact, they did what all the estranged adult sons and daughters wished their parents would do...they gave me the space I asked for. Even though they knew I was in emotional pain, and possibly worse, they gave me space.

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    8. And by doing that it likely let you see the healthy vs. the unhealthy, acceptance/love vs. give me more- you're never enough. You're lucky to have them, Jonsi. Can you tell I recently spent some time with my FOO? :S -J

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    9. Great analogy, Lisa! Probably why my NPs were pushing for a private visit from my DD.

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  2. Made me laugh too. How does your NMIL get your son alone? Just try to stop that happening, you and husband are a unit, she shouldn't be separating you.
    When I used to visit NM with my ex, I asked her to make sure this didn't happen. NM tried to corner me a couple of times, even following me to the bathroom, she was desperate.
    Never found out why, help was at hand. This was a long time ago, now I fight my own corner.

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    1. What they really want is to divide and conquer, separate their intended target from his support system in the hopes that, once alone, he'll fall back into a target mentality. We all know it's harder to fight these battles alone, especially in the beginning.

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  3. You know, for some reason this ambush thing reminds me of being afraid of monsters under the bed.

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  4. Ohhhh, Lisa! That's GREAT!!!! HAHAHAAAA!

    Yk, mine ambushed me at home, 3+yrs. post NC. I slammed the door in her face and called the cops IMMEDIATELY. And she took off like her ass was on fire. Unknown to me at the time she was concurrently destroying my first career post undergrad. Yep, "ambushing" your kid at home or work is REALLY the mark of a "normal" parent. It's incredible how these POS "parents" delude themselves into believing such tactics would EVER "HELP" in ANY WAY. Despite being (minimally) disconcerting for the AC, it IS an UNABASHED PUBLIC DEMONSTRATION of just how CRAZY they are. Really. Believe me, that IS the "Positive" side to such tactics for the AC.....as they build their legal case for all kinds of charges both criminal and civil.
    And by the time we're done, they'll be livin' in a cardboard box under an overpass (exactly where they hoped WE'D end up post NC.) I see it as "Compensation" for years of pain and suffering. I had been "In" and "Out" of a Will/Trust Fund so many times her attorney had multiple "Vacation Homes" scattered throughout the globe. It was time to "Share The Wealth" and cease with the crap.
    So, by all means stalk your AC, ambush them, slander and defame them, put it in writing in emails and snail mails, contact their employers, friends, acquaintances, neighbors (who WILL testify in Court about your conversations), hire PIs to stalk by proxy and so forth. You see we DO have laws that protect others-EVERYONE, in fact from unwanted contact. Including YOUR AC who you profess to "LOOOOVVVEEE" so much. The Courts don't see it that way and neither do WE.
    Pack lightly: There isn't much "room" in shelters. And they DON'T take "reservations" or American Express. It's gonna cost you far, far more than you can begin to imagine including ANY "Hope" for "Reconciliation."
    TW

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  5. PS: I lived HUNDREDS of miles away from MNPsychobitch and had moved MULTIPLE times post NC. But in her crazy stalker mind just showing up/ambushing was the "right thing" to do. Sick bitch. You wanna make a scene or even "show up" in an attempt to coerce/"reconcile?" I'll show YOU a "scene" you'll never forget and it involves handcuffs, a ride in the back of a cop car, an arraignment and a stay in jail. Not to mention BIG $$$ "fines." And that's just the beginning.
    Any "EP" who even THINKS of pulling this shit with the current laws in place deserves and WILL RECEIVE all KINDS of "Consequences" they'll NEVER forget.
    The Courts/Judges don't care WHO you SAY are-you'll be treated like the common CRIMINAL they see every day. They've heard it ALL before.
    TW

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    1. That's our plan, TW. If they show their faces, we're calling the police. We'll send the message, "We're not dicking around, assholes."

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  6. TW - question. Do we need to get a restraining order first? Or can I just call the police anytime if I see an NP lurking around? Sorry--is there already a blog post on this?

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  7. No you don't need a Restraining Order first. But this is HOW you're gonna get one. ANYONE who is engaging in stalking or unwanted contact gets an immediate 9-1-1 call to Law Enforcement. This will lead to an arrest-DON'T allow an Appearance Ticket only. This is Harassment/Aggravated Harassment and Stalking. This will assist in getting your Restraining Order (a PERMANENT as opposed to Temporary Order when you go to Court on the instant offense.) See the earlier post on "Cease and Desist."
    Call first time, every time 9-1-1 in the US. And KEEP ON CALLING.
    TW

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  8. "A narcissistic parent doesn't give a damn about their children, except insofar as his value as narcissistic supply."

    Wait, I must correct you there. My NFOO cared *very much* that they had lost the person who handled their financial messes for them, drove them around, made their doctor appointments and made sure they got there, smoothed over their inevitable fights with their neighbors, and was the all-around scapegoat for whenever anything didn't go perfectly their way.

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    1. Anon - I always use the phrase, "A narc doesn't CARE about you" or some variation thereof. But I need to come up with some other turn of phrase that indicates what I'm really trying to say. I mean, you're right, they DO "care," and they DO "give a damn," just not in the way that a loving, empathetic person would. They only "care" or "give a damn" about what YOU can do for THEM.

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  9. My parents care like they care about having the nicest yard in the neighborhood. I'm a trophy or a burden depending on whether I am behaving. But never a valued human being.

    I do have to wonder why my mother chose the silent treatment over stalking, except that stalking would be work and she only had energy for complaining and belittling. My dad just follows her lead because he's a chicken shit and I am too honest about my mom being psycho.

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