Thoughts/Lessons Learned re: Initiating NC
by Tundra Woman
- You have had a lifetime of experience with these "Parents." You KNOW what you KNOW. Believe yourself. If you haven't yet tried LC, MC etc. please try these options first. NC IS a metaphorical "death." Be prepared to treat it as such. This is an ABSOLUTE BOUNDARY. It's not gonna be comfortable to begin with but no new way of doing or being in this world ever is. Give yourself a chance to grieve before you initiate NC. Anticipatory grieving doesn't mean you're "done" with your grief work but rather you have a handle on your emotions and are prepared to move forward.
- ALWAYS, always, always (got that??!!) refer to the Estranged Parent(s) as "My BIOLOGICAL Parent(s)." I can't stress how important that term is: It sets a tone and tenor that is imperative to get your point across when dealing with anyone outside your immediate family. For all anyone else knows you were adopted and later your "biological" parent(s) started with the stalking, etc. You will be taken much more seriously, it will not appear a Permanent Estrangement is "just a Family Feud" and IMO, it is an HONEST appraisal of their role in your life.
- Get a VERY unlisted #, email, stay OFF any Social Networking sites, make sure your kid's school(s) has a copy of your letter on file. If the jerks show up on school property, the school officials are responsible for escorting them off/handling the situation.
- Put any correspondence that has any personal info/account #s on it etc. through a shredder if you don't do that already.
- If possible, engage an attorney to write the letter for you-it really is IMO the best option. If you can't-
- Put it in WRITING. Short and sweet-ex:" I do not wish to have any further contact with you through ANY means. Do not contact me, my immediate family, neighbors, friends, employers" etc. Address the "Parent(s)" by their first names. Sign off with your full name.
- Have it notarized and notarize a few copies. Keep one with you in your wallet at all times.
- Send it SNAIL MAIL, RESTRICTED DELIVERY, RETURN RECEIPT.
- Give copies of the letter and return receipt to all local law enforcement so they can have a "Heads Up" and keep it on file. You are now covering that end with a paper trail.
- Most of us can't stand public "scenes." The assholes depend on our reluctance and WILL violate the request VERY publicly. Call Law Enforcement IMMEDIATELY, FIRST time, EVERY time. I know it's embarrassing to have a Law Enforcement vehicle parked in your driveway. Get over yourself-they have. You may be the "talk of the neighborhood" today but people loose interest when you politely refuse to discuss your personal business.
- There are now laws available to assist you with Stalking, Unwanted Contact etc. USE THEM.
- Anticipate they are NOT going to simply gracefully accept your decision. Have a plan in place to address various scenarios. Keep your doors locked, don't allow kids to answer the door if they're too young to understand what's up. How you explain "what's up" is age contingent. (Hint: Just do the exact opposite of what your "parent(s)" would have done and the kids will be fine with Mom and Dad's decision.)
- Yes, it's going to "get worse" before it "gets better." In every way. Don't hesitate to use every tool at your command to enforce your boundary.
- You're a lot tougher than you know. If you survived growing up with these kinds of "parents" you have inner resources beyond your expectations and current self-knowledge.
- If you had ANY lingering doubts about your decision to terminate the relationship I can absolutely assure you your decision will be confirmed spectacularly. PROMISE.
- As an adult you absolutely have the right AND the responsibility to determine WHO will be a part of your life and who won't. If this person was anyone besides a "parent", would you have them in your life? In ANY capacity?
We're here and we'll help you any way we can. I stumbled through this alone, prior to "Self-Help" books and the internet, cell phones etc. You're NOT alone.
And that's a PROMISE too.