Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Big Bang Theory

I've been thinking recently that there really is no such thing as a coincidence whenever you might find yourself treading in the realm of a narcissist. Chances are good that, if you find yourself wondering about the likelihood that a certain event or behavior is a coincidence, it's actually just a carefully laid plan in disguise. Your coincidental circumstance is their premeditated calculation. And, at the risk that this might sound like some crazy conspiracy theory, I kind of believe that literally ALL of their premeditated calculations are meant to culminate in some final Big Bang. It's as though, if you were to add up all of those bizarre little coincidences, you would end up with a picture of what the narcissist is really after: and the sum of all those seemingly insignificant parts has everything to do with power and control.

NMIL is not unlike a pedophile, in that she grooms her victims, starting at a young age if possible, until they are too afraid, naive, and dependent to escape her abuses. Her current victim and supplier of her biggest cash-out in NS is, of course, her mini-me daughter. I had this thought recently, while talking with a dear friend of mine, that coincidences are few and far between when it comes to narcissists, and then BAM! out jumped another one of those very coincidences I was referring to:

During my cyber-sleuthing, I found out where NSIL decided to go to college. And then I put two-and-two together and realized that she'll be attending her NM's alma mater. Then, I took that one step further and remembered what DH said about his own choice of where he'd attend college: he'd always felt that somehow, the choice of where he'd be going to school had been made for him. Granted, he didn't go to his NM's alma mater, but that's not really the creepy part in his story, the creepy part lies just in the fact that his mother somehow made that decision for him and then tricked him into believing, at least superficially, that he had made the decision himself. What does the fact that NSIL will be attending her NM's alma mater have to do with narcissism? In the big picture, I see it just being another grain of rice filling the jar - eventually, literally every bit of the NSIL-that-could-have-been will be replaced with NMIL, and there will be nothing left of NSIL to save. Her attending NMIL's alma mater is just one more of those coincidences-that-probably-isn't-a-coincidence that will culminate in the Big Bang that NMIL is hoping for: a truly dependent daughter who will never...ever...EVER leave her.

Creepy, isn't it?

What about you, Dear Readers. Can you recall any times when the "coincidences" with your narcs seemed way too contrived to be truly coincidental?

18 comments:

  1. I hope your nsil has her eyes opened when she gets to college. It began happening for me there, where I realized other people's families were nothing like mine. Although I was the scapegoat, so I had more of a reason to see the separateness. I wasn't getting "positive" reinforcement like it seems your nsil gets.

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    1. Vicarious, I have my doubts about whether she'll ever open her eyes. But you're right, if she's going to have a chance at doing it, it will be when she goes to college. She'll be gaining that much needed physical distance from her mother. But, I think it's a guarantee that her mother will just keep grooming her from a distance to keep her where she needs her emotionally.

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  2. This is so over the top that it is obviously not a coincidence, but it shows the lengths they will go. About a year after I went no contact with my mother, she called a woman I know and was talking about how I now hate her and that my wife is poisoning me against her. The poisoning part is more of her blaming someone else for her craziness rather than accepting responsibility for the misery she dealt everyone.
    But she claimed that the phone rang once out of the blue and she checked the caller ID and this woman's number came up and she was just calling the number back. The only time that this person ever called her house was a year or more before and my mother had to of written her number down back then and kept it all this time.
    I asked my friend if she called my mother accidentally.
    Nope. She no longer has my mothers number saved.

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    1. Q, I'm wondering if your mother is just too over-the-top overall to really have many of the more somewhat more subtle coincidences I was referring to...the example you gave IS a coincidence of sorts, it was just ridiculously obvious that it was forced. Actually, I guess that makes it fit in perfectly with what I was saying! [High Five!]

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    2. I don't know what this has to do with coincidences, but once when I went back that one time to get my stuff, my mom told me that one morning, she had turned the TV on, and it had been on like channel 53 or something (don't remember), like my "favorite" cooking channel or whatever (I don't think she got the number right) and she thought that OMG maybe Lisa had come back in the middle of the night to watch TV. I don't think she understood that I had not come back in the middle of the night and so..it was impossible for the channel to have been changed. I don't know what the fuck she was getting at, except maybe she was trying to tell me the universe wants us to be together and I don't get a choice, that obviously even though I didn't want to be there and I hadn't been there...uh, I was still somehow there in her mind. Well, the mind she is completely out of.

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  3. You are spot on Jonsi, I can't say I have noticed the "coincidences" (I'm going to be paying closer attention from now because I am sure there are there) but I have seen a narc I know orchestrate events so that he is ALWAYS in full power and control. It has to be seen to be believed. The guy is pro though, over seventy and still in full swing calling all the shots.
    My sister does the "grooming" thing to people to turn them into free babysitters, she always picks on soft-hearted and vulnerable ones, it is very creepy. I hadn't made the connection it until I read your post. Thanks so much for pointing it out.

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    1. Kara, I'm betting their are lots of coincidences, once you start thinking about it. I'm trying to think back on my relationship with my narc ex-boyfriend too, to see what kinds of "coincidences" (i.e. subtle manipulations) there were there.

      Your sister's grooming to turn people into free babysitters...EEK! Reminds me of the time (before I realized who they were) when DH's narcissistic aunt got me to babysit her daughter. I was all for it, being the "soft-hearted" young woman who loved kids. And she knew it and took advantage....I don't think she even offered to pay me, even though she barely knew me, I wasn't family, and had only been dating her nephew for a few months. I found it a little disturbing at the time that she trusted me, not because I'm not trustworthy, but because I didn't know that I could ask my son's wife of a month or two to watch my child. Anyway, I think she didn't offer to pay me because she knew I wouldn't have accepted.

      I think that particular incident was a "test" to see if I was vulnerable enough to her manipulations. That was the one and only time she got me.

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  4. In hindsight I recognize the constant manipulations and guilt trips designed to keep me compliant and dependent on my NPs. They were always a "tag-team" with NF overtly handling the fear aspect and NM quietly dishing out the guilt and obligation.

    I'm so thankful I had to be left behind when NF got transferred to another city AFTER I had signed my 1st teaching contract. That unplanned year of independence was the first tiny step to toward their undoing. Next, even though NM had hammered into me that I was plain and would be an "old maid", I married and had a family of my own.

    On and off, over the years I was hoovered back in but they never fully sucked me back until my DH died. I know now, he was my defense against them and my strongest supporter.

    The battle for my soul that has gone on over the past four years has revealed my narcissistic FOO in all it's glory. Now, from the outside looking in, I know you are ABSOLUTELY correct, Jonsi, there are NO coincidences just constant, seemingly minor, manipulations that they hope will add up to complete control of their unwitting victim.

    Except their victim (just like your DH) has finally realized, she holds all the power!

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    1. Exactly, Mulderfan. If you don't give them anything to work with, they have no power. Your parent's are still a tagteam, but their opponent has left the ring.

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  5. Wow, you made a very apt description of N's choosing their supply, especially their golden child. So creepy! I was "fortunate" that my NM is the ignoring type so I was spared of the grooming while my poor CG sister was groomed since she was 3 years old. Sis knew something was very wrong and put up boundaries after she graduated from college. Long story short, after 6 years of NM living with/leaching off of me which helped to drop the scales from my eyes one by one, I finally discovered NPD, told my sister and now we're both working very hard to progress as human beings.

    Sorry for getting off track, just wanted to say your metaphor is spot on and that I agree there are no coincidences, which makes their claims of "I don't remember!" or "I don't know what I did to make you so angry" is laughable.

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    1. Enlina, yours is a story that represents an outcome I would love to see for my husband and his sister. I have my doubts that it will come to fruition because, unlike your sister, DH's sister doesn't seem to have seen, on any level, the truth about her NM.

      But for you and your sister, I'm glad you have been able to break free from the chains and start anew.

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  6. Yeah, it's not a coincidence. Is it a coincidence when you have no choice. It's not a coincidence that she is doing what her mom wants. Is it a coincidence when someone is stuck in a prison. I went to Cornell because I didn't have any other choice. I didn't want to go to Cornell, I just knew I didn't have a choice. I don't know what college I would have picked if I had a chance to pick. Going to college wasn't a choice in the first place. I think I probably would have wanted to not go to college at all.
    I did have a liberal arts college I wanted to go to, Pomona College, which is local and kinda famous. I liked it because it was small and close and laidback. Is it a coincidence that I didn't think I could survive far away from my parents and so I wanted to stay close to them or that I wanted to go to a kind of rebel self-deprecating college? I didn't get in.
    But yeah, if I had a choice, I would have probably chosen to not go to college at all.

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    1. I feel like this dilemma, of where ACoNs end up going to college, is kind of crucial. Maybe because it's one of the first times where ACoNs REALLY get tested by their narc parents...you know, will the distance open their kid's eyes at all to the truth? Will they stay close to mommy and daddy dearest? Will they break away? It must be scary for all those narco mommies and daddies.

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    2. Leaving home for university was a MAJOR eye-opener re: how dysfunctional my family is. My father, with whom I lived through high school, did not want me to leave home but instead go to the local university (so he could keep control of me), but when I left he disowned me. My mother expected me to study business and have a dazzling corporate career, and had no idea what to make of her arty, intellectual, left-leaning, bookish daughter, so she just continued her emotional abandonment. Neither contributed financially to my university education, but that did not stop them for blaming me for being a poor student at 18.

      So I agree, it can be a test. I think it is also a very dangerous time for an ACoN. Big life choices are made at this point. With narc pressure, it's easy to make the wrong one.

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  7. My "educational choices" were analogous to using a search engine: The choices displayed first are determined by my previous searches before they ever show up on the screen. This behind the scenes stuff is programmed in which is kind of handy and kind of weird too. Much like your DH and Lisa, I was essentially "told" where I would attend, what my major would be AND what honors I would graduate with indirectly but very clearly. (It all blew up after I got to college in any event.)
    I'm hoping your NSIL can make the break but realistically I don't see that happening. NMIL has groomed her so thoroughly and will likely be a "Helicopter Parent From Hell." Oh, the Drama!
    TW

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  8. Here's one for you. As I got closer to my due date, I wrote an email to my mom giving her directions to the hospital. We have two in my town, one large and the one my mother is familiar with, one much smaller, harder to find, and the "maternity" one. I knew that she would make a HUGE deal about not being able to find the hospital when the time came. I had fears of her calling my poor husband repeatedly to ask directions. I knew she would use it to not only divert his attention away from me to herself, but to cause a big hysterical scene. Also, it would give her a good excuse to continue to call, force herself into the moment, and complain if we didn't answer her. Never mind that I would be in labor, or that we had better things to do than pander to her, or that she's a fucking ADULT who should be able to find the hospital on her own. But for my own sanity, I sent the directions.
    Well, NM and step-dad had a good hardy laugh over that. What a anxiety ridden worry-wart Jessie is! How controlling and overbearing she is! Haha!
    Well, what do you know, the day she's driving to the hospital she "forgot" the directions. "oh, I was so excited, I must've left them at home." So, I spent a fucking half hour on the phone as she drove a two mile stretch back and forth unable to find the damn place. "Do you see the golf course mom?" "A golf course...No! I don't see, well, what do I see? Hmmm. All I see is trees!" Yeah, the fucking golf course is full of trees. A half hour of her play-by-play of driving to find the hospital. Only to end with "well, this doesn't really look like a hospital!" (I will say I had already had my baby and was pumped full of drugs, so was a bit more tolerant at the time.)
    Yup, that's why I wrote out the damn directions, bitch. I knew YOU could never find it on your own. But I'm sure it was a coincidence she forgot the damn directions.

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  9. And very accurate description of a pedophile grooming their victim. That's exactly what it is like. The spend years convincing you that what you are doing is your own idea when it has all been implanted in you. Kind of like that movie "Inception".

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  10. Oh, and I like your phrasing it as grooming like a pedophile does their victim. If they just came out and treated you like that, you'd never put up with it. But it's a slow process of "conditioning" you to accept more and more. They spend so much time conditioning their supply into thinking that what they do is their own ideas, when it's slowly been implanted by the narc. Like that movie "Inception".

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