A very dear reader and fellow scapegoated DIL asked me the following question on this post:
...this is random but I was re-reading some of your older entries...and was wondering why you were not invited to Pig's wedding? I was surprised to read that. Why would he leave out his best friend's gf from his wedding? What were his "reasons"? I mean, I know he is a jerk wad but that was so blatant. Sorry, that was just a burning question!
Thank you for asking, Just Another DIL! Your question actually sparked another memory that I'd like to share with you as well, that might help to clarify the possible motivations behind Pig's attempts to hurt his "best friend." So, here we go...
Pig's fiance, whom we'll call Babs, was having her wedding shower around the same time that I was having my baby shower. In fact, I believe our showers were in the same month (but not on the same weekend). Now, as etiquette called for, I sent Babs an invitation to my baby shower, even though I didn't know her well and didn't particularly like the little that I did know. But the fact was that she was the fiance of my husband's best friend, and it wouldn't have made much sense not to invite her. She received a formal invitation at the same time the rest of my guests received theirs.
Apparently, the same consideration was not owed to me. Babs herself never responded to the baby shower invitation. The day before her wedding shower, which was taking place a week or two before my own shower, Pig called my husband and asked if I was going to be attending. I happened to be standing right beside my husband, so he turned and asked me, "Are you going to be going to Babs' wedding shower tomorrow?" I must have looked at him like he'd sprouted two heads. I replied, "No, why would I? I wasn't invited." DH looked confused and asked Pig if they had sent me an invitation to the wedding shower. Pig's response was something along the lines of, "I don't know. I don't know who Babs invited."
I smelled bullshit. First of all, I think Pig knew exactly who his fiance had invited (and didn't invite). Secondly, it seemed awfully strange that he'd be calling to see if I'd be attending his fiance's little party if he truly had no idea whether or not I'd even been invited. I also think he was calling to ask if I was going to attend because:
1. He knew I couldn't possibly say yes (The chance that I'd be able to attend a shower that I was informed about less than 24 hours in advance and that I'd received no official invitation for was slim to none) and 2. He wanted to ensure that they could turn down my baby shower invitation, since I had turned down their wedding shower invitation.
Pig and Babs were playing a rigged game. It was called, "Let's try to make Jonsi look like the asshole."
At the time, DH defended his friend, saying that "When they first started planning their wedding, we hadn't been an official couple" so maybe that was why I hadn't been invited.
I told DH that he was excusing his friend's poor treatment of me, and that their non-invitation was downright rude, given the context of his current relationship with me. It shouldn't have mattered that, when Pig and Babs got engaged, DH didn't know me. Pig and Babs had chosen to ignore what DID matter: the fact that DH and I were in a committed relationship, that we were having a baby together, and that we had extended an invitation to them for our special event out of courtesy. Here's what it should have looked like: Pig should have acknowledged DH's serious relationship with me and had enough respect to invite his best friend's significant other to their wedding festivities.
I followed up that statement by saying, "But, it's really a blessing in disguise, given that I don't like Pig or Babs and would have had no interest in going to their little party." Had I been invited, I would have attended, as a way to represent DH, but I would not have been happy about it. So, even though they intended to hurt us by not inviting me to Babs' wedding shower, they actually just did me a huge favor. Not only did I not have to go to their shit-show party, but I didn't have to entertain Babs at my special event either.
My non-invitation was a sure sign that Pig and Babs had zero respect for my husband, and did not value his friendship. The fact that Pig had rigged the game for his benefit was further proof that he was playing the same game NMIL played: the "Get Rid of Jonsi at all Costs" game. By this stage of the game, Pig had already made it known to DH that not only did he despise me, but he hated that DH was beginning to extricate himself from his old role as everybody's favorite doormat. Personally, I also think he was sour about the fact that DH could no longer fill his obligation as Best Man. Whereas it was once possible for DH to emotionally and financially fulfill that duty, his capabilities in that regard became limited when he and I began our relationship and then became pregnant. Pig simply couldn't stand that I was in his way of manipulating my husband.
When we received the wedding invitation, my name was not on the envelope. The invitation was sent to our apartment but only addressed to my husband. I didn't realize this was so until I remembered back to when DH sent in the response card: He had had to add my name to indicate that I was going.
Now, wedding etiquette states that if your name is not on the envelope, then you are not invited. And, if you are not invited, it is considered rude to add your name to the response card. Proper wedding etiquette also states that the same rule applies if your significant other has not been invited...even if it seems rude that he/she was not invited. According to The Knot: Unfortunately, you can't RSVP for both of you, because only you are invited...you can't dictate how someone else puts together their guest list. Technically, yes, engaged guests should be invited with their future spouses...Try to look at it that way: it most likely wasn't an intentional slight. Now you must decide whether you want to attend the wedding solo or not.
Of course, my problem was that, in this case, not inviting me WAS an intentional slight. No further proof necessary.
So, why would Pig and Babs choose to behave this way? Why would they intentionally leave my name off the guest list, in spite of the fact that DH was supposedly Pig's best friend, and that I should have been invited by proxy, even though they didn't know me very well? Why would they invite NMIL and SIL but not DH's significant other? Why would they ignore the context of their current relationship with DH and expect him to fulfill obligations to them when they refused to show him the same courtesy?
Because they could.
Because Pig didn't like that he could no longer commandeer all of DH's time and energy, whenever he felt like it.
Because he wanted to hurt DH and tear us apart.
Because he wanted me out of the picture, and would do so literally by not including me in his festivities, thereby forcing DH to separate himself from me and make him choose between his "best friend" and his pregnant fiance.
Because they are inconsiderate, desperate, manipulative pricks.
Because, from the beginning, they sided with NMIL and were willing to be her puppets.
In short, because they are assholes.