Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Jerk Wads

A very dear reader and fellow scapegoated DIL asked me the following question on this post:

...this is random but I was re-reading some of your older entries...and was wondering why you were not invited to Pig's wedding? I was surprised to read that. Why would he leave out his best friend's gf from his wedding? What were his "reasons"? I mean, I know he is a jerk wad but that was so blatant. Sorry, that was just a burning question!

Thank you for asking, Just Another DIL! Your question actually sparked another memory that I'd like to share with you as well, that might help to clarify the possible motivations behind Pig's attempts to hurt his "best friend." So, here we go...

Pig's fiance, whom we'll call Babs, was having her wedding shower around the same time that I was having my baby shower. In fact, I believe our showers were in the same month (but not on the same weekend). Now, as etiquette called for, I sent Babs an invitation to my baby shower, even though I didn't know her well and didn't particularly like the little that I did know. But the fact was that she was the fiance of my husband's best friend, and it wouldn't have made much sense not to invite her. She received a formal invitation at the same time the rest of my guests received theirs.

Apparently, the same consideration was not owed to me. Babs herself never responded to the baby shower invitation. The day before her wedding shower, which was taking place a week or two before my own shower, Pig called my husband and asked if I was going to be attending. I happened to be standing right beside my husband, so he turned and asked me, "Are you going to be going to Babs' wedding shower tomorrow?" I must have looked at him like he'd sprouted two heads. I replied, "No, why would I? I wasn't invited." DH looked confused and asked Pig if they had sent me an invitation to the wedding shower. Pig's response was something along the lines of, "I don't know. I don't know who Babs invited."

I smelled bullshit. First of all, I think Pig knew exactly who his fiance had invited (and didn't invite). Secondly, it seemed awfully strange that he'd be calling to see if I'd be attending his fiance's little party if he truly had no idea whether or not I'd even been invited. I also think he was calling to ask if I was going to attend because:

1. He knew I couldn't possibly say yes (The chance that I'd be able to attend a shower that I was informed about less than 24 hours in advance and that I'd received no official invitation for was slim to none) and 2. He wanted to ensure that they could turn down my baby shower invitation, since I had turned down their wedding shower invitation.

Pig and Babs were playing a rigged game. It was called, "Let's try to make Jonsi look like the asshole."

At the time, DH defended his friend, saying that "When they first started planning their wedding, we hadn't been an official couple" so maybe that was why I hadn't been invited.

I told DH that he was excusing his friend's poor treatment of me, and that their non-invitation was downright rude, given the context of his current relationship with me. It shouldn't have mattered that, when Pig and Babs got engaged, DH didn't know me. Pig and Babs had chosen to ignore what DID matter: the fact that DH and I were in a committed relationship, that we were having a baby together, and that we had extended an invitation to them for our special event out of courtesy. Here's what it should have looked like: Pig should have acknowledged DH's serious relationship with me and had enough respect to invite his best friend's significant other to their wedding festivities.

I followed up that statement by saying, "But, it's really a blessing in disguise, given that I don't like Pig or Babs and would have had no interest in going to their little party." Had I been invited, I would have attended, as a way to represent DH, but I would not have been happy about it. So, even though they intended to hurt us by not inviting me to Babs' wedding shower, they actually just did me a huge favor. Not only did I not have to go to their shit-show party, but I didn't have to entertain Babs at my special event either.

My non-invitation was a sure sign that Pig and Babs had zero respect for my husband, and did not value his friendship. The fact that Pig had rigged the game for his benefit was further proof that he was playing the same game NMIL played: the "Get Rid of Jonsi at all Costs" game. By this stage of the game, Pig had already made it known to DH that not only did he despise me, but he hated that DH was beginning to extricate himself from his old role as everybody's favorite doormat. Personally, I also think he was sour about the fact that DH could no longer fill his obligation as Best Man. Whereas it was once possible for DH to emotionally and financially fulfill that duty, his capabilities in that regard became limited when he and I began our relationship and then became pregnant. Pig simply couldn't stand that I was in his way of manipulating my husband.

When we received the wedding invitation, my name was not on the envelope. The invitation was sent to our apartment but only addressed to my husband. I didn't realize this was so until I remembered back to when DH sent in the response card: He had had to add my name to indicate that I was going.

Now, wedding etiquette states that if your name is not on the envelope, then you are not invited. And, if you are not invited, it is considered rude to add your name to the response card. Proper wedding etiquette also states that the same rule applies if your significant other has not been invited...even if it seems rude that he/she was not invited. According to The Knot: Unfortunately, you can't RSVP for both of you, because only you are invited...you can't dictate how someone else puts together their guest list. Technically, yes, engaged guests should be invited with their future spouses...Try to look at it that way: it most likely wasn't an intentional slight. Now you must decide whether you want to attend the wedding solo or not.

Of course, my problem was that, in this case, not inviting me WAS an intentional slight. No further proof necessary.

So, why would Pig and Babs choose to behave this way? Why would they intentionally leave my name off the guest list, in spite of the fact that DH was supposedly Pig's best friend, and that I should have been invited by proxy, even though they didn't know me very well? Why would they invite NMIL and SIL but not DH's significant other? Why would they ignore the context of their current relationship with DH and expect him to fulfill obligations to them when they refused to show him the same courtesy?

Because they could.
Because Pig didn't like that he could no longer commandeer all of DH's time and energy, whenever he felt like it.
Because he wanted to hurt DH and tear us apart.
Because he wanted me out of the picture, and would do so literally by not including me in his festivities, thereby forcing DH to separate himself from me and make him choose between his "best friend" and his pregnant fiance.
Because they are inconsiderate, desperate, manipulative pricks.
Because, from the beginning, they sided with NMIL and were willing to be her puppets.

In short, because they are assholes.


  1. Can I play devils advocate? Bab's is a bitch because she didn't invite you. Period. End of story.
    Pig might have known.
    But at least for arguments sake give him just a small hint of a break. Not much, but guys are so f'ing clueless about these things.
    Bab's may have looked pig square in the eye and told him all of her fucked up bitch plans, and he might of sat there nodding his head up and down like one of those little toy chihuahua's that people put in the back of their car and have it fly right over his head.
    There is a point for men when this all becomes cruel and unusual punishment.
    We love you guys to death but sometimes it is all too much.
    I am not saying he didn't know. Just assign him a sliver less culpability.
    Even if he knew she was dicking you guys over, she probably had his low ones in a vice and if he as much as said boo, she would have made him sorry he was ever born.

  2. But not inviting you to the wedding is unforgivable. I was focusing on the shower. There is no excuse for the wedding. By the sound of it your husband should have been his best man.
    If this guy won't stand up to bab's for something this important, I wouldn't give their marriage much chance for any any real longevity.

    1. Q - I see what you're saying, that perhaps Pig wasn't truly the brains of the operation, and that Babs was just a bitch. I would definitely agree with you that Babs was really a bitch...I think she's just a seriously inconsiderate individual who probably said, "I don't know Jonsi, why the hell would I invite her to MY party?" But, at the same time, I think that Pig was the brains of the operation and that his main motivation was how he could fuck over DH.

      And DH and I have both have placed our bets on how long these schmucks will stay married: I've placed my bet on less than five years. One or both of them will likely have an affair in that time.

  3. I read this again and I am leaning to you being 100 percent right. If they are sucking up to your husbands mother then it's pathetic.
    What ever they stand to gain it won't be worth losing the respect of you and your husband.
    This is one of those betrayals that is hard to grasp. I think that's why a suggested leniency. I kept reading and was thinking ....they did what? He said that?
    They're no friend of yours.
    Be glad you are shed of them early on.

    1. I could be wrong, for sure. You're thought about Pig being clueless (at least about the shower) got me thinking. But then I got to the point where I said, "even if he was clueless and didn't know about that part...he's STILL a big asshole who doesn't have my DH's best interests at heart." So either way, it's a good thing we shucked 'em.

    2. **Your

      I hate it when I do that.

  4. Instead of leaving both you and DH off their guest list, which is their right, they made a point of only excluding you.

    Make that PETTY assholes without a shred of class.

  5. Just Another DILApril 4, 2012 at 5:23 AM

    Thank you so much for responding to my question. It clears up alot, but still is unbelievable to me. Pig did not even try to play nice for the sake of his friendship with DH. Any decent human being would have added you to guest list the second your DH became seriously involved with you. Heck, every guest at my wedding who even had a casual gf or bf got a guest invite! I really cannot fathom how Pig could expect to maintain a relationship with your DH, while trying to alienate the woman who he loves, his future wife, and mother of his unborn baby.UNBELIEVABEL. BTW, Love the title :)
    I would love to read your emails...I have a feeling I will be able to relate to so much. Also, forgot to say in my last post that I am glad you and DH are doing well. It's nice to have some private happiness without any Ils negativity.

    1. I hope this post cleared up some of your questions anyway...although I don't think we can ever really get to the bottom of WHY someone deliberately chooses to be a jerk.

      "Pig did not even try to play nice for the sake of his friendship with DH." No, you're so right, he didn't. Unlike most of the rest of the trash DH knew in the past, Pig was particularly OBVIOUS in his trashiness. I had told DH early on that I found his "best friend" to be vulgar, rude, and manipulative. And once I came into the picture, I think he just got worse...perhaps in the hopes that he could scare me away or convince DH to terminate our relationship.

      Emails on the way today!

  6. My first wife promptly sent thank you cards for the gifts we received at our wedding. But she only sent them to HER family and friend's. I didn't find out about this until a year later.
    It was just another brick in the wall that led to our divorce.
    And all those 50's era bitches that wag their tongues about women having a child out of wed lock. They are usually the ones that can't pass the birth certificate-marriage license-calender calculation test if you get my drift. Either that, are there were a lot of 9 pound babies born from six month pregnancies in the 50's and 60's.

  7. These people crack me up -- they think they are punishing us, but reality is that we're usually relieved to be free of them.

    It's kind of like these estranged parents all a-flutter about how to handle cutting their NC child out of their will. As if I want a dime of their blood money!

    1. Vicarious - "As if I want a dime of their blood money!"

      That would be a fantastic post topic. Pulling their estranged children out of their wills always seemed to be one of their last minute efforts to inflict pain. We're expecting it...basically, whenever DH's NPs realize he isn't coming back, that will be their last "slap."

      But like you said...who the hell wants their blood money anyway?

  8. In my family "blood money" is not a euphemism.
    My mother left my sister in her will, but was only going to leave her a hundred bucks. In my mothers eyes that was to be her wedge between us that would keep on wedging long after she was gone.
    She never figured I had the cajones to flip her off and walk.
    There is my sisters son next in the pecking order.
    And that's it.
    If he pisses her off then I guess it go's to the
    Jocelyn Wildenstein Hermetic Order of Wayward and Homeless Alley Cat's.
    My mother is officially the "cat lady" of her neighborhood, and I am betting her popularity assures her to be found years from now mummified and covered with cat hair.
    She would rather burn any thing from the family than to see it passed on to us.

    1. In the last ten years my NPs have loosened the purse strings. They helped my DD with the last year of her six years at university and now "own" her degree and have the right to critique her job choices. My DD's attitude is, "Screw you! I earned that money by putting up with your BS" and anything they say rolls off her. They now tell people they funded her entire education but she could care less about the lies they tell.

      In the last ten years, they have given me literally thousands which I spend outlandishly. Once when NF asked what my obviously, very expensive coffee table cost me and I said, "Nothing, I used your money!"

      Even this past Christmas when we were NC I happily cashed their generous cheque because I bloody well earned it! Today I'm off to buy an insanely expensive BBQ and I've already ordered a custom awning for my deck all courtesy of my NPs!

      I fucking love spending money they busted their humps earning and if they cut me out of their will, I plan to fight the NGC for my share. As of now, I'm still their executor because deep in their hearts(?) they know the NGC is useless!

      When it comes to dealing with my FOO there is no such thing as moral high ground. I take their money and have a ball with it!

    2. And I say, good for you Mulderfan!!! If you can take their money and cut the strings they've attached to it, then good for you! My mother gave me this advice a while back: whatever they give you, take it. Eventually, they'll stop giving you anything, so you might as well take advantage while you can.

      If you can cut the strings, then by all means, take advantage of their "generosity." Bot everyone is able to do that, but for those who are...at least you'll get SOMETHING from those schmucks...even if it's only material.