Sunday, March 18, 2012

What Was Yours

Exhibit A, who so often provides us with enough subject matter for countless hours of cannon-fodder fun, also unknowingly provides some useful insight into DH's past life. Well, about as much insight as a stagnant pool of festering dog snot, but insight none-the-less.

Yesterday, after tweeting her little drunken heart out, she posted a photo of herself snuggled up with a male friend of her fiance's. So far, this information isn't particularly revealing in terms of my DH (though it does say something about Exhibit A's apparent desire to maintain covertly-sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex, whom she ALWAYS claims are "just friends.") What I found more interesting than Exhibit A's teeny-bopper crush on all things male, was the twitter-depth dialog she had with SIL after the photo was posted.

SIL wrote: OMG!!! I used to work with him!!!! he used to work at [restaurant]! I loved him too cuz he reminded me of [DH's childhood nickname]! lol!

And to that, Exhibit A responded: Haha yeah!!! He totes does! He's one of [fiance's] good friends and he's visiting from Ohio haha. Love him!

So, if we can just look past the over-the-top, superficial glaze here (which requires swallowing some of our disgust long enough to avoid vomiting) a couple of important things become really apparent.

For one thing, it's really hard not to gag on both of these girls' completely outrageous and shallow proclamations of love. From our perspective of Exhibit A, we can see an obviously narcissistic personality, marked by her very apparent desire to be loved. Thus, the incessant and ridiculous proclamations of love, which always manage to lack originality and profundity. It's just not believable that this girl, or any girl really, who claims to "love" nearly everyone and everything that crosses her path, truly understands the concept.

What is more disturbing to me though, is the comparison these girls' are making to my husband. When I read this short commentary, I was struck by the idea that, in their minds, there is a distinction between who he really is and who they want him to be. It's almost as though they have created a different persona for the person they simultaneously claim to hate, because their narcissistic minds' won't allow them to accept that he is, in fact, one person. They would rather hold fast to the idea that my DH is still the little [childhood nickname] they used to know. It's magical thinking at it's very worst and represents the depth of their denial. It seems to me that denial is the only aspect of their mentality that allows any room for depth. And, having this mentality allows them to hate me even more. After all, I took their little precious from them, didn't I?

Let's just push aside all of Exhibit A's nonsense for now, since it's really unimportant in the scheme of things. Instead, lets focus on SIL: It's really kind of sickening that she is fooling herself so badly. I sense no truth in her words, no reality in her delusional world. She treats everyone as though they are just objects - even this friend of a friend that reminds her of her brother doesn't escape such objectification - He gets treated as just another means to find some faint connection to her brother. And the sentiment that SIL "loves" her brother gets lost in translation. Instead, what I see is someone who is desperately holding on to a person who no longer exists, in order to account for the painful reality of the one who does. This dialog, to me, represents the deluded mentality of at least two people who have not accepted, and may never accept, that my DH is no longer their little [childhood nickname.] They think of him as two people: there is the doormat they knew, and the boundary-defining, flying-monkey-fighting, independent man he is now. And sadly, they prefer the former.

As always, it's sad that they are unable to be happy for his successes. It's sad for them because they are missing out on having a relationship with a truly wonderful man - one who has dug himself out of the shallow grave they made for him and is thriving. The only thing he took with him from that past life are the positive aspects of his personality that he's had from the beginning: compassion, intelligence, and inner-strength. Those are the only aspects of their little [childhood nickname] that remain - and that's not something they can lay claim to.


  1. Frozen in time when he was still what they wanted...this sounds familiar. Paper dolls are easier to control than a 3D person with a heart of his own. Jonsi, I believe you have the best part. I am glad you see your DH for what he is. Their loss.

  2. Isn't this how Prince Harry ended up with red hair and freckle's?

  3. Jonsi,
    As I was reading your well-written description of how these shallow women refer to the de-humanized little [childhood nickname] that they hold on to your DH as, I couldn't help but think of the Abominable Snowman in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons: "...And I will love him and I will squeeze him and I will stroke him and I will call him... George!"

    Narcs can't love anyone as anything other than objects; personality is only ever allowed so far as it reflects upon the wonderfulness of the Narc. Once we break away, they're left with only the shadow of litte [childhood nickname] who used to be their pet or prop (that awesome guy we love to cuddle up to so much!! OMG!!! Totes!!), George, and they diminish the present day 'good' man by referring to him as such.

    These people are both disturbing and disgusting in far less than their alloted 140 characters. Somebody pass the mouthwash, quick!


    1. Truer words were never spoken, my dear Vanci. Aptly put.

  4. I think their brains play the same role in their tweeting activities as the pork sausage industry does in the Jewish American community.

  5. I honestly don't think Ns are particularly capable of accepting, let alone even seeing change/growth in people. Hence, your DH will always be that childhood nickname. They run around with their old measurements thinking those old ones still fit, even when they don't. It's like they take a photograph when they met you and expect you to look the same even ten or 20 years later. And then they get mad at you for having aged!

    My best friend's sister went through a rough and crazy time with depression and drugs in her late teens and early adult years. My NM was entirely too stuck on her old behavior and patterns, cynical and skeptical of everything even when she had been clean and moving forward in life for years. As such, my NM said some pretty inappropriate, insensitive, and mean things to my best friend whenever the topic of her sister and her improvements came up, especially when my best friend was starting to build a new relationship with her recovering sister! It's almost like my NM was wishing her sister would relapse or something, ugh.