Monday, January 30, 2012

So They Send To Me

Their hatred of me
outweighs any love
they might have felt
for their son

So they send to me daggers

Their weakness
slips through
in the words
they've left unsaid

So they send to me threats

Their pettiness
is apparent
with this pathetic

So they send to me blame

Their hypocrisy
bleeds red
when they tout themselves
as Christian

So they send to me evil

Their cruelty
becomes obvious now
that they've chosen
to stop pretending

So they send to me poison


  1. It was never about YOU personally, Little One. Ever. It would not have mattered who or what you were about, your appearance, your love, your joy in finding your DH. It never mattered anymore than your DH "mattered."

    To be dismissed, to be so casually regarded as a mosquito to be flicked off while feeding before you were were reviled is part and parcel of what these narcparents/NFools DO. They have no clue about YOU except what you represent: An honest, "what-cha-see-is-what-cha get" kind a person-ie, A THREAT.

    And that sends these NFOOs scrambling like a bunch of cockroaches when the light is turned on. Yes, I get the whole, "HOW do I NOT take this personally? After all, it's ME they targeted from the get!!"

    Uh huh. Your basic honesty, decency and politely callin' them on their stuff was untenable. In fact, you might as well have bought a rabid animal into their house for all the hysterics one normal woman who walked in and said "HI" to these people engendered. It's that horrid to the dynamics of NFOOlishness.

    And of course there's DH who grew up with these fools. Who had a sense something's "not right but I'll go along to get along...must be me."

    No, it's NOT. Either of you. What is gonna matter and who is gonna stand as an "Enlightened Witness" (thank you, Alice) is YOU and YOUR family. It's that soft pillow you took for granted, it's that consistency, it's all that you grew up with that he didn't and nothing when you're an ACoN is taken at face value because there's always an agenda and NOT the one "presented."

    Takes awhile to "Come home" when you grew up with this craziness. But when you find it, it's a sweet spot beyond belief. And trusting it will remain as it is and as it grows takes patience, time and a get down kind of honesty that an ACoN never experienced. And that's no excuse for BS from your partner. We ALL bring "stuff" to the table. It's OWNING it that matters.

    That Traumatic Bond is replaced by a REAL Bond. It's the stuff that says, "I CHOSE this" as opposed to the stuff that says, "You have NO choice." It says, "I AM an autonomous human being" as opposed to "You are an APPENDAGE and located in this world for MY CONVENIENCE-and don't you ever forget it."

    When you find a real home, you know it intuitively. And all that stuff being sent your way is a huge boomerang. And simply confirms what you always knew.

  2. Anon - I just read your comment aloud to DH and he said, "So...clearly anon gets it." In a nutshell, yes. Please forgive the repetition here - Are you in my head? How is it you know exactly how I feel? I find your analysis refreshing, your remarks are spot on. I'm glad you "got" what I was saying, even with just this cryptic poem as the only clue to what's going on.

    I'm struck by this: "It's OWNING it that matters." I've been saying that to DH from day one. We've all got dysfunctions - I'm not saying I don't have mine. But the difference between "us" and "them" is that we're on the path to truly owning ours. THEY aren't even looking in the right direction.

    Everyday, I feel more and more love and respect for DH. Knowing what he's come from, how ugly it was, and also seeing the changes he's making that seem so difficult in the face of his can I not feel those bonds even stronger with each passing day? God, but he came from such hate, such nastiness, such misery. I told him the other night, "Unlike you're FOO, you are kind. You are loving. They couldn't beat that out of you."

    Thanks again Anon. Your insight and kind words are uplifting to me.

    1. Yeah, you're right. Your DH has been through hell. And seen so much. As a little kid. And he's still the same innocent kid he was suffering through and trying to make sense of it all. I just wanted to say that I hope he knows that the worst is over, that he made it, and that he survived. That really the real problem, his mom and dad, are out of his life now. So the worst is over, he can lay down his head, relax a little. He made it out. And he's with you now.

  3. Isn't that funny, the way that anonymous strangers can so completely *get it*? Anon is right, this has never been about you. It's their issue and their story.

    I hope for your sake and your DH's sake that someday they get a clue. My in-laws did, after over a decade of difficulty in allowing their son to individuate. I actually LIKE them now. Wild, wild stuff. My parents were unable to do the same.

    It's such a wonderful thing that you're there for your DH as an enlightened and compassionate witness. He needs that!

  4. Yes, Ms. Claire. My late DH saved my life. In saying that I'm not being dramatic or engaging in euphoric recall. This was long before the days of the internet, self-help books and I knew NO ONE who had a 'mother' like mine. I struggled with her from my first breath it seems. My late DH did not get it initially either as he had never met her-I terminated the relationship about a year before we married and geography played a significant role as well. He would say, "I don't understand it..a mother and a daughter?..." I never spoke of the abuse to anyone. I kept my secrets well.
    Before we married I told him, "You know me WELL. You have seen me at my best and at my worst (which was pretty awful.) But if I ever come home and find that woman in my living room I will walk out the door and you will be served with divorce papers the next day. I know you well and I know what a respectful, kind, compassionate man you are. If that woman shows up at our door playing the harmless-little-old-lady act it will be difficult for you to resist. But if you allow her access to our home you will have committed the most fundamental betrayal of me and all I have struggled with for these years, there will be no restoring what has been lost."
    He believed me. He trusted my word and my integrity without probing for any details. He supported and encouraged me in every possible way. He encouraged me to believe in my own worth, my own experience, my hopes, dreams and aspirations. True to form-as I knew would happen-she pulled some absolutely despicable stuff on me, her 'beloved' adult daughter after our marriage. He was aghast, horrified and any questions that may have remained unspoken were answered by that woman herself.
    When we learned he was dying I brought him home from the hospital and cared for him until his death-not an easy feat in those days considering where we lived. The last words he said to me before he lapsed into a coma were, "Anon, you ARE the love of my life." He died at dawn the next morning.
    It was an honor and privilege to fulfill that which I promised the day we married: "In sickness and in health. Until death do we part." I was waaay too young to be a widow. Anger is a normal reaction to grief and I get that. But to have had this one man who had made such a profound difference in my life, who indeed was my "Enlightened Witness" die in the middle of finally achieving our dreams was overwhelming. People treated me differently as a young widow. There was nothing out there that wasn't geared to the "normal" demographic of widowhood-older women. Their concerns were not mine. Once again, I was floundering alone in the dark.
    One day as I was driving home from work about a year and a half after his death I was watching a spectacular sunset. It's very rural here and the natural world IS our world. It occurred to me out of nowhere there NEVER would have been a "good time" for him to die. Ever. His love healed in more ways than I can articulate. But this I do know: Love never does end. Love heals and unconditional love heals unconditionally.
    Having an "Enlightened Witness" profoundly changed me and my life irrevocably. Any Adult Child who has experienced all the horrors these 'parents' inflict on their offspring is going to need all the understanding and compassion they can receive whether it's from someone in cyber space or their partner. We're way behind most people in more ways than you can imagine. Again, it takes a long time to 'come home' to yourself and your partner. But when you find your 'spot' in this world nothing feels more like "home," a true place of safety, security, of constancy and unconditional love and above all healing.