Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A Holiday Note From Freckles

Yesterday, DH and I received a note from Freckles. Though both the envelope and letter were addressed to the both of us, Freckles was really writing directly to me. I believe it was her attempt to get me to engage and to...get this...feel badly for her husband.

The letter was short, just the front of one loose-leaf lined piece of paper. In it, Freckles wrote about what she imagines we are doing now and that she hopes we are well and happy. She also chose to share some of their recent big news, most of which I would like to keep private out of respect for Freckles. There is one part I'd like to share with you, as I found it to be of particular significance to our estrangement from them. Freckles wrote:

"Double Agent's Uncle passed away last week after a six month battle with cancer. This is DA's first experience with loss (other than losing [DH's name]). So it's been hard on him. He still hopes and waits for someday in the future when there can be reconciliation between the two of them."

I take up several issues with this:

1. We have been set up to equate the loss of DA's uncle with the loss of my husband's friendship. It seems clear to me that we're to assume that DA was close with this uncle, and that the loss he feels in losing this uncle to cancer is supposedly on par with the loss he feels in losing his friendship with DH. This equation seems far fetched to me. DH is not dead and their relationship was ended by choice, whether DA wants to see it that way or not. I think that it is insulting to lump the termination of my husband's friendship in with the ending of a loved one's life. I also think it was Freckles' attempt to get me to feel badly for her husband, because she still thinks that if I sympathize with him, then I will interfere by pushing my husband towards reconciliation with her husband.

2. "He still hopes and waits for someday in the future when there can be reconciliation between the two of them" smacks of inevitability. Freckles has made it sound as though reconciliation between her husband and mine is a matter of "when" rather than a matter of "if." She can see it that way if she wants to, but I choose not to. In particular because reconciliation doesn't just "happen." Reconciliation would require that DA's allegiance be with my husband, rather than with my husband's NM. Reconciliation would require that he learn how not to be a pompous asshole and treat everyone else like they are below him. Reconciliation would mean he would have to offer his genuine apologies to myself and my husband. Reconciliation would require many, many things, that I am pretty sure DA is not willing or capable of doing. So the fact that Freckles writes about DA's "hopes" for the inevitable reconciliation means little more to me than that she and her husband subscribe to the same patterns of belief that they did when we decided to add them to our list of No Contact. Nothing has changed and they are still just a part of my DH's toxic past.

Overall, I'm saddened by the letter from Freckles, more than I am angry or annoyed. She is someone who I would have liked to have been friends with, under different circumstances. I feel that she is being genuine when she says she wishes us well and that she means no ill-will. But, as it stands, I will not engage. There is a choice to be made, and as I have done many times before, I will do again: I choose my husband.

Every time, I choose him.


  1. Jeez, that is weird.
    "This is DA's first experience with loss (other than losing [DH's name]). So it's been hard on him. He still hopes and waits for someday in the future when there can be reconciliation between the two of them."
    What kind of person writes you a note saying, "Oh, this is the first time he's been so hurt. Except that time that guy (we all know who we're talking about, you know, that guy, your husband) hurt him."
    It's like she's getting DH confused with his uncle. Um, his uncle's death doesn't have anything to do with DH. It's like..what, is she secretly talking about DH while she is pretending to talk about the uncle. It's another one of those DEATH! GUILT GUILT GUILT schemes.
    She seems like a nice girl. But isn't DA the one who's a freaking lunatic about religion and talked about dead babies? I mean, he literally sounds crazy. So marrying a guy like him and staying with him, seems a little crazy.

    Also, the way she's talking about reconciliation...reconciliation implies that there was something there beforehand, some kind of relationship or some sort, ya hear, and that just wasn't there to begin with. DH isn't losing anything. These people have just got it twisted.

    It's too bad. Shit has hit the fan for freckles. If it wasn't for her circumstances..

  2. Lisa - You're right, she makes it sound as though my DH has died as well.

    And yes, Double Agent is the lunatic who talked about religion and dead babies. And who we associate with (or marry) says a lot about us. I could never get behind someone who talks about things the way DA did...It sure says something about Freckles that she's married him.

    It is too bad. They DO have it twisted. Same old, same old.

  3. What efforts has DoubleAgent really made to try to work through the issues that have been raised in his friendship with DH? As far as I know, zero efforts - zero REAL, genuine efforts to understand why DH has stepped back and said (in essence) "I don't think you're really my friend." Reading this note, what I hear is "my husband is in need of support right now" - and a proverb comes to mind:

    "When you have given nothing, ask for nothing."
    Albanian Proverb

  4. Upsi - Yep, you've just put into words EXACTLY what I was feeling. The whole, "When there can be a reconciliation" thing bothered me for the reason you just mentioned - DA has done NOTHING to fix this relationship that he supposedly feels so badly about losing.

    Love the proverb. It rings true here.