Tuesday, December 13, 2011



NMIL recently changed her profile picture on Facebook.

It's the same picture that her daughter has on HER profile for Facebook.

And it's a picture of her daughter.

Not her daughter and her.

Just her daughter.

Now I know that some people set their profile pictures to be pictures of their children, and quite frankly, that is a practice that I find to be pretty unsettling,in general. But, specifically, right now, it's just fucking creepy. Like, sending-chills-down-my-spine-nightmarish kind of creepy.

No, I mean, really. There is something so horrifyingly disturbing about googling NMIL's name and having a picture of her daughter pop up instead. I feel like I'm in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

It's not even a candid photo of NSIL. It's one that looks like it was taken by a professional photographer, and it looks as though NSIL was, quite literally, modeling, though I don't think that she's a model by profession. If I had to guess, NSIL either took advantage of the services of some family-friend who happens to be a professional photographer, or else NMIL paid someone a butt-load of money to take pictures of her daughter for the sake of presentation and for her own narcissistic self-preservation.

I've been waiting for the right time to tell you this, Dear Reader, and now seems as good a time as any:

NMIL and SIL have the same name.

No, not similar names.

It's the same name.

Like, if NMIL's name is Christy** then NSIL's name is Kristy**. See what I mean? It's the same name. And however much NMIL claims that she wanted to name her daughter "Kristy" because she always wanted a daughter that she could call "Kris" the fact of the matter is that she gave her daughter the same damned name.

NMIL mostly goes by a nickname that is a derivative of her birth-name, but it really doesn't matter. On her checks, she goes by her first name. You can google her full name and still find her public records. I first realized she and her daughter had the same name when we received her check for our wedding and I started laughing. I said to DH, "You've got to be shitting me. She named her daughter after herself?"

Sheesh, talk about starting off life with NO chance to be a separate individual from one's mother. We don't live in a society where it's considered normal, at all, to name a daughter after her mother, so that's not what's going on here.

No, what's going on here is that we have a full-fledged narcissist who is so methodical in her manipulations and well-thought out in her long-term schemes, that she has practically ensured that this girl has no chance of escaping the severe dysfunction she was born into.

And this whole, "I'm going to use this beeeeaaaauutifulllll picture of my daughter as a representation of myself on this public profile" thing is absolutely one-hundred percent connected, no further proof necessary.

It's completely mind-boggling to me...that anyone could get away with this. That others can be so easily fooled by it.

No doubt, NMIL's "friends" who see that picture will think, "Oh, how sweet, she loves her daughter sooooooooo muuuuuccchhh that she put up that beaaauuutttiful picture of her darrrlinnnnngg daughter! Oh, she's such a good mommy. She's so proud of her daughter." And that is precisely what she's hoping people will think. In some weird way that I have trouble wrapping my mind around entirely, she is exploiting this photograph of her daughter, as she has exploited her entire existence: She is using her daughter as a completely inaccurate representation of her Self. It's as though she wants people to see HER when they look at her daughter, and vice versa.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: NSIS is NMIL. But now I'll add this: NSIS is NMIL with the power of YOUTH, which NMIL is rapidly losing her grasp on...And we all know how scary AGING is to a narcissist.

Holy hell if DH's poor sister hasn't been given the shittiest lot in life...to be unwittingly chained, since the dawning of her very existence to a monster like NMIL?

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

**These are not NMIL and SIL's real names. I have chosen these names as a means to illustrate reality while still protecting their identities.


  1. That's pretty messed-up. The name, the picture, the fusion of mother to daughter. How old is NSIL? I hope she can detach/individuate in the future. Do you think she's truly N, or just has a heavy dose of "fleas" from being so enmeshed with her mother?

  2. Hi Claire,

    "Fusion of mother to daughter" - that's a really accurate phrase, I think. Wow, what a visual. NSIL will be 18 this coming summer and while I hope that she can detach from her NM as well (for her sake!), I am thinking more and more that it won't happen. I don't see that same inner-strength in her that I saw in my husband...she's eerily empty (and no wonder, seeing what she came from). I think she has been groomed to be the perfect pet and she feels comfortable in that position.

    I could be wrong, but I don't think she'll be able (or willing) to escape it. And now that DH is gone from NMIL's pathetic life, NSIL will no doubt be lavished with even more superficial attention to make up for it. And we all know that the Golden Child doesn't truly have it better than any of the other children in a dysfunctional family, but they do usually get "bought" with more superficial stuff. And sadly, I think that's all she's ever known and that's probably all she'll care to know.

  3. Jonsi,
    Creepy is RIGHT. Wow, that just gives me goosebumps. Sadly, I think you're right about NSIL; she might never break out. But... hey... I hear hope knocking... maybe she'll meet someone like you?!?

    Regardless, like you needed further proof of your NMIL's horribleness, I'm glad it's not a picture of your DH or you or one of your children on her profile page.

    It's just weird.

  4. Creepy is right.....not to mention sick. This is not even a symbiotic relationship; it's more like the violent offender who makes a "skin suit" out of his victims. If NMIL could crawl into her body and BE NSIL, she'd do it. As it stands now, NMIL appears to be jealous as hell of her youthful daughter (actually, what the daughter represents-NMIL's 'lost youth/beauty') and likely overcompensates by continuing to overindulge the GC to keep her on a short leash.
    I have this sinking feeling NSIL lacks the inner resources to over-come this kind of narc training.
    Quite frankly, I would be VERY uncomfortable with my mother using a picture of ME in place of her own, particularly at NSIL's age. Yuk.

  5. Vanci - It gave me goosebumps too...I STILL can't wrap my mind around something that is so glaringly wrong. I'm glad it's not pictures of us too...that would mean we were FAR to enmeshed with her, as NSIL is.

    Anon - Wow, GREAT analysis. I wish I had been able to sum this whole thing up as clearly as you just have. I thought "YES!" to every point you have just made. And in particular, that last point, (about feeling uncomfortable if your mother used a picture of you for her profile picture)...I said the exact same thing to DH.

    DH told me he isn't surprised that his NM did this...it's just par for the course for her. She's been doing it all his life. Narsty.

  6. Jonsi, regarding the Nparent lavishing more attention on the "good" children, that's exactly what seems to have happened in my family of origin since I stood up to my mother and refused to take her poor treatment any more. I don't begrudge my siblings the attention, because a) I know what it's like to want that attention and b) I know the attention comes at a price. What bugs me is that none of them seem to see what's going on, and their increasingly good treatment, now that I'm in permanent black-sheep status, makes them more and more scornful of my decision to cut ties. They recently gushed at me about what a WONDERFUL grandmother my mother is to their children, with no acknowledgement of the fact that she wasn't a good grandmother to my children, and that part of why she's so good to their kids is because their parents are toeing the line and she's terrified of losing the rest of her grandchildren. It's annoying to me that they can all be "bought" so easily, and that none of them seem to remember the bigger family history here.