I was browsing the interweb for information about narcissists just now and came across a Wikipage about Ns that I rather liked. Among other lists there (that you might want to check out) I found a list that contained jokes (sort of anyway, they reminded me of jokes you might find on popsicle sticks) about narcissists. Thought I would share this more light-hearted look at narcissism (if there is such a thing!) Maybe one or two will get you to chuckle, Dear Reader.
It can be distressing to live with someone who has narcissistic traits and it may be best to start to understand the condition in a humorous way. The following jokes are intended to explain some of the psychodynamics associated with narcissists. They are not intended to make fun of the narcissist but to make light of a difficult situation, providing some comfort to the family, especially children and partners, of a narcissist. They are also intended to be accurate from the point of view of the psychologist or psychiatrist, thereby providing a gateway towards understanding the condition.
Q. How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, a narcissist will always manage to find someone else to carry out a menial chore like that.
Q. What is one way to irritate a narcissist?
A. Pretend to enjoy doing the lowly menial chores which the narcissist has given you to do – it will make the narcissist think that he or she is missing out on something.
Q. Why does a narcissist get upset or moody after having just spent lots of time in his/her own company?
A. Well how would you feel just after having spent lots of time in the company of a narcissist?
Q. What should you say when a narcissist asks you what you want for your birthday?
A. Anything but what you actually want – at least then you will have a slim chance of actually getting what you want instead of what the narcissist thinks you ought to want.
Q. What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
A. Not being able to boss everyone else about.
Q. What does a narcissist really mean when she says that her husband/children never help her?
A. She means that they don't respond well to her impolite demands.
Q. What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
A. Being equally bossy to everyone else
A2. Making sure that nobody ever gets a bigger share of the cake that he/she gets (since it would be inequality for someone to get more than what the narcissist gets)
Q. What two words does a narcissist use to describe the family finances?
A. MY money!
Q. Why does a narcissist find it so difficult to empathise with others?
A. Because he (or she) is always so busy empathising with himself (or herself)
Q. Why do narcissists so often complain of feeling exhausted, shattered or ill?
A. How would you feel if you were constantly charged with the responsibility of controlling everyone else in your family?
Q. Why is a narcissist unable to honour his part in agreements which he (she) has entered into?
A. Any agreement which the narcissist enters into is his (her) personal property and he (she) is therefore entitled to do with it whatever he (she) likes.
Q. What's a narcissist's definition of "rubbish"?
A. Items which take up space in the narcissist's house but which belong to someone other than the narcissist.
Q. What's a narcissist's idea of generosity?
A. Giving away things which the narcissist considers to be rubbish.
Q. What will a narcissist want to get rid of when moving house?
A. Those items which the narcissist considers to be "rubbish". (Maybe that's why some narcissists like to move house frequently).
Q. Why does a narcissist spend so much time rummaging in his/her spouse's and children's private possessions?
A. Well they belong to the narcissist too, don't they, doesn't everything in the house belong to the narcissist?
Q. What does a narcissist really mean when he says that his wife never talks to him?
A. He means that she can't get a word in edgeways whenever he is talking to her.
Q. What is a narcissist's idea of being abused?
A. Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences.
(This is a personal favorite of mine. It actually made me laugh):
Joker: Why do narcissists indulge in gaslighting?
Respondent: I don't know, why do narcissists indulge in gaslighting?
Joker: I said moonlighting, there's no such thing as gaslighting. Why did you think I said gaslighting?
Joker: Why do narcissists indulge in projection?
Respondent: I don't know why do...
Joker: It's not narcissists that indulge in projection, its you that indulges in projection. - you are so devoid of empathy and you always want lots of attention and if I dare to criticise you, you always fly off the handle and you go on and on and on about it and you never let me get a word in edgeways and as well as that you are always being charming to people when they are present and later on you always want to criticise them behind their backs! (pause for a deep breath)
Q. What's a narcissist's idea of hard work?
A. Arranging for lots of people to do all the chores (organising people can be hard work, can't it?).
Q. Why does a narcissist find it tiring to have lots of visitors?
A. Who said that acting wasn't tiring? (the narcissist has to present a false image to those whom he/she feels the need to impress - however - if the visitors stay long enough the narcissist might eventually let his/her guard down and the visitors might see a truer picture)
Q. Why do narcissists feel the need to control other people?
A. Perhaps it makes up for them not being able to control themselves.
Q. How do you get a narcissist to respect other peoples' preferences?
A. You can dream!
Q. What do you call a narcissist who is content to sit in the background during a lively discussion?
Q. What do you call a narcissist who can get through a whole day without criticising someone?
Q. How can you tell when a narcissist is telling lies?
A. His/her lips are moving
Q. What do you call a narcissist who is apparently content to sit and watch someone else being praised?
A. One that's eager to impress the present company of course!
Q. What should you do if you want to reveal your closest secrets to everyone?
A. Tell your darkest secrets to a narcissist first, then the narcissist will pass on your secret whenever he/she thinks it most appropriate (i.e., sooner rather than later).
Q. What's a narcissist's idea of compromise?
A. Persuading others to go along with the narcissist's preferences.
Q. What do you call a narcissist who is never vengeful?
A. Utterly impossible!
Q. What do you call a narcissist who learns to empathise with people in his/her family?
Q. What should you do if a narcissist is content to let his/her husband or wife or children choose where the family should go on holiday to?
A. Check his/her temperature for fever!
A2. Planning something - He's going to cry off and put the house in his name while everyone is away.
Feel free to leave some in the comments if you have any others, Dear Readers!