DH and I were talking today about the time that NMIL moved and didn't tell DH about it until several months later.
Now, under normal circumstances (i.e. in relationships with non-narcs) information as important as one's parent moving would be shared openly and freely with the most-important parties several weeks, if not months before the event was to occur. Not only would the information have been shared willingly, but it would have been a conversation that the parent would have with both her son and her son's spouse. The reason why I find the latter point to be significant is because I initially wrote "NMIL moved and didn't tell us about it" and I had to go back and change the "us" to "DH" because no important information was ever shared with me by NMIL, period. I often find myself saying things like that and having to edit myself later: It's just a given that vital information, important information, information that required thought or decisions, was never shared with "us" because, to NMIL, "us" did not exist.
Anyway, I don't remember the circumstances surrounding the phone call, nor I do remember who solicited the phone call to begin with. But one thing was very clear in my memory: NMIL told DH one day on the phone, in a nonchalant kind of way, that she had moved. I have the distinct notion, though the complete details escape me now, that DH hadn't spoken to NMIL in a while prior to that phone call, and that it was NOT the point of the call. I remember giving our DD a bath and listening to DH talking with his mother on the phone and thinking, "What the hell is she up to now?" And when DH got off the phone and relayed what the conversation had been about, I was really struck by the oddness of the whole thing.
What kind of person moves and doesn't tell her own child about it? Can you say "A power-hungry narcissist?" What kind of person withholds important information as a means to confuse, disorient, anger, hurt, and manipulate the people she is supposed to love and respect? Can you say "An evil narcissistic witch?"
I have several theories about why NMIL would pull this kind of stunt, and none of them paint her in good light. DH and I both believe that the most likely theory is that NMIL didn't tell him about the move intentionally. He believes her message was one of attempted cruelty: It was "We're having all these problems, so why should I tell YOU something this big? You mean nothing to me." Granted, neither one of us was hurt by it, the whole event was just too absurd. I remember asking DH a couple times, in a row, in between bouts of laughter, "Wait, she was just like - oh, by the way, we moved." And every time DH confirmed that that was indeed what she said, we just started laughing harder.
I told DH that we would never be intentionally or even unintentionally made unaware of my parents or siblings moving. Chances are good that we'd be helping with the moving process, but if that wasn't the case, then at the very least we'd know about it. But for my parents or siblings to move and keep it a secret from us? Never! The idea is just too absurd.
A couple other noteworthy comments about this particular scenario:
1. As we all know, Ns are expert as using people. In fact, they are so good at using people that they don't have relationships with anyone who can't (or won't) be used. I've told DH a couple times that I believe she chose her ex-spouses well when she married them. After all, they still provide her with a good amount of narcissistic supply. Her first husband (EFIL) as a source of NS is fairly obvious - twenty something years after their divorce, he's STILL acting as her shoulder to cry on and plays the part of a loyal flying monkey. Both EFIL and J (her second ex-husband) also provide her with and extra set of hands with which she can control her children. (SIL is J's biological daughter, which means that she and DH are half-siblings). But NMIL's move brought up another interesting fact: she obviously chose her second husband well, for she is STILL reaping the financial rewards of having used him for so long: The house she sold was one that he built and they lived in for about eight years (one can ponder a guess as to how much of that cost came out of HER wallet). She was able to turn around and sell that house and move into a mini-mansion in the next town over. Who knows what other financial benefits she gets from having been married to both of those particular victims/cohorts? But it seems obvious that she used her N charms well, since she obviously set up her entire relationship with J so well that she could use him and discard him, all the while reaping the rewards of the fruits of HIS labor. (FYI, I don't think highly of that man either, he's pretty much useless as a human being and not at all any sort of loving influence for either his daughter or his ex-stepson).
2. DH and I believe that the move may have been inspired by NMIL's desire to live closer to her sleazy boyfriend, since the town she moved to was the town where he lived. I remember asking DH, "What about your sister? Was she uprooted from her school and is now being sent to some other high school, during her junior year?" Somehow, we found out later that she was able to continue going to the high school of her home town, although we were never entirely sure how that was possible. (You know those narcs, they're always so sparse with the details.) But even though his sister was still able to attend the same school, the decision to move at that particular time struck us as being very strange, and we wondered how much NMIL's relation-shit with her boyfriend had to do with the decision. Certainly, her daughter's well-being was not factored into the equation.
3. As always, the possibility remains that, to NMIL and SIL, the thought just didn't cross their minds that moving to a new house in a new town was information that should have been shared, in a timely-manner no less, with us. With Narcs, it's always possible that they don't tell you because, if you aren't providing them with the kind of narc-supply they want, then you aren't worth the effort it would take to even think those thoughts in your direction. While I don't think this particular theory is likely, I don't dismiss it from the realm of possibility. But regardless, the situation is pretty crappy whether NMIL left out the information intentionally or not.