Friday, August 5, 2011

No Heart

I have a few things to add to my DH's commentary on the robotic email he just received from his NM. My thoughts are as follows:

1. NMIL has never struck me as being someone who works hard at anything. This letter, with all of it's vague references to things unknown, is the perfect example of her lack of effort. I think she spent three to five minutes on it, tops. Weak.

2. I believe she wrote it with a separate audience in mind; perhaps a therapist or her best friend? The letter manages to paint the picture that NMIL is "taking the high road" by leaving the door open for my husband while his remains shut. It also makes it sound like he's never written a letter, explained his feelings, or spoken with her before about why their relationship made it to the shitter in the past two years. She ignored every attempt my husband has made at working on their relationship - a fact that will, no doubt, make her look like the better person in the eyes of her carefully-selected audience.

3. All I see is a bunch of vague references to some "hurtful" things that she thinks DH perceives her to have done. "...for that I am so sorry..." For what, exactly? "for the pain it must have caused..." What is it? "...i carry regret about all that..." About all what? "...about whatever is important to you..." Oh, as though DH didn't already tell you exactly what was important to him?

4. "I know you do not want to have a relationship with me." She doesn't know SHIT about what my husband wants. Just as he and I know NOTHING about her apparent "regret" about the vague "mistakes" she has made.

5. I get the feeling this is her "getting the last word in" letter. I think she's done. She's moving on. She's following the path of least resistance. As a skilled manipulator, that's what she's going to do. She doesn't want to have to work at manipulating her prey. She's got SIL, who is easy pickins at the moment. Why attempt to get NS from someone who won't allow it? She's got plenty of other people in her life to manipulate...people like Toast and Pig and EFIL and SIL. They are much, much easier targets.

6. The letter strikes me as being completely devoid of any emotion. It sounds robotic.

7. This woman doesn't have a heart. Therefore, she can not be heartbroken. So I know this is a lie: "It's heartbreaking as your parent, to not be able to see you and your family." Bullshit. Heartbreaking not to see me? Heartbreaking not to see our children? Nah, I'm not buying.

8. Just because she uses words like "respect" and "accept" doesn't mean she's telling the truth about them. It also doesn't mean that she understands them.

9. Blah, blah, blah. This is just more of the same-old, same-old. Throw out some vague statements, make reference to the past a few times, use the word "sorry" in a semi-logical sentence and everything gets back to normal, right? But here's the thing, I really don't think the intent of this letter was even to get my husband back in her good graces, or in her graces period. I think there is something truly manipulative going on, in that she plans on showing this to someone else, or several someones, as evidence of her "goodness" so that she can move on and forget about DH. The more I read the email, the more I'm drawn to that conclusion.

10. According to her, it's all DH's fault. Yeah, whatever. We've heard that before. Go back to the rock you crawled out from under, NMIL. Your evilness is running rampant through the streets.

11. How about apologizing to DH for attempting to harm his entire family - including his beloved wife and children? How about taking it the next step further and reaching out to her daughter-in-law to say sorry directly. Nah. It'll never happen. This bitch doesn't have the balls. I like it better when she's afraid of me. Having her suck-up would just be too much.

12. "All of her love" is equivalent to one tablespoon of poison.

13. **Update** I just re-read my husband's no-contact letter to NMIL and saw that he had said this, "I am happy and satisfied with my life choices." NMIL wrote in her email today, "I really want you to be happy,happy with [your wife], happy in your life, and I know you do not want to have a relationship with me." This statement further proves my opinion that she wrote this email as a sell to someone else. Why else would she talk about "just wanting DH to be happy" when he ALREADY told her that he's happy. It's part of her, "I'm going to pretend he didn't tell me that so that he looks like the bad guy" game. Furthermore, the implication of this statement is that NMIL wants DH to be happy, but that he won't ever be because he doesn't "want" her in his life. It's funny how my opinion on that matter differs so from hers. I believe the exact opposite: Our lives are much happier without her in them.

Like my husband, I am thoroughly unimpressed with her email. It shows, above all, a complete lack of feeling over the loss of any relationship with her son and his family, a complete disregard for DH's past attempts at fixing their relationship; a complete inability or desire to take responsibility for even one of her mistakes; and a complete lack of ingenuity or effort.

It does not show someone who wants a relationship with either her son or her son's family. It does not show a woman who is capable of feeling empathy. It does not show a person who is willing to put even one iota of energy into growing up, taking responsibility for her actions, and proving to the world that she is capable of love. It does not show a woman with a heart.


  1. yeah i can relate. and now i can look back and see, 'oh, that was what was going on' when i read this about my own apologies i have received. you're right. my mom talks about how much she caarrees, how much she triess, but she is a woman who has never tried anything in her life. she has never followed through on anything, started anything, achieved something, or accomplished something. she's never had a job or took it seriously when she had one postcollege. she's never stuck with something or assigned any value to patience or sticking something out. her entire life is built on blaming other people and finding ways to attack them. she's never learned english or even attempted to despite all her complaints about it. she's never quit smoking, never even tried. (except miraculously when she was pregnant with me...or so she says) she has never tried to do a single fucking goddamn thing. so i dont know what she means when she says she cares so much and does so much and tries so much.
    and mom never finds anything heartbreaking except shit that happens to her. my mom finds being snubbed at the grocery store heartbreaking. my mom finds me telling her to get out of my room heartbreaking. oh, so heartbreaking. and every effort is about her. if she does do some little thing like cook a meal, she acts like this is everything and i've done nothing. every little thing she does is magnified 1000X and everything i do is nonexistent and not there.
    let's throw a giant fucking pity party.

  2. It was a very typical narcissistic type of communication. It was all about her. Her perceptions, her feelings, her wants, her needs. If she's anything like my NM, this is far from over. It's simply the latest bid for a return to the way it was, when she was in control.

  3. Now, let's dissect this a bit further, OK?
    Narcs NEVER take the "High Road" unless they're smoking or snorting it.
    The more vague, the better..aka "wiggle room." They'd put a pole dancer to shame.
    They're not "sorry." They're busted. And looking for bail.
    They're "moving on" because the litter box has gotten a bit stanky for their taste...after all, even an animal knows enough to not to shit where they feed.
    What "heart"? Unless a transplant takes place (and I sincerely doubt health insurance will pay for a cosmetic surgery) you can not inculcate that which was never there without making the "surgery" look like what it is....fake.
    Any and all "apologies" from a narc are maneuver in any event to get their needs met: "F you and your feelings/life" etc. Let's have a round of applause for "disingenuous.
    "Love" is truly a four letter word in their world.

    Walk on, just walk on and back away from the drama.

  4. Lisa - I get that feeling about NMIL too (about her never doing ANYTHING.) I mean, she cooks...but that's the only thing I know she actually does. The few times we went to her house (either the old one, or her new mini-mansion) I just couldn't see someone as useless as her decorating the place, or cleaning it. I mean, someone like her, on hands and knees, cleaning a kitchen floor? Nah...she must have a hired maid or something.

    To the outside eye, it might seem like she is quite successful. She has a crap-ton of money and owns her own business. But from what I've read about people like her, they are just really, REALLY good at manipulating others to do all the hardest work for them. So I'm willing to venture a guess (though it can never be proven) that she just shit on everyone and worked her way up the corporate ladder by insidious means, instead of by honest ones.

    Your mother sounds like that too. I call it "useless." It just seems like their motto must be, why do anything if I can get someone else to do it for me. Does that sound about right?

    Judy - I go back and forth about whether or not I think NMIL will pack it in and give up every time we hear from her or her pond-scum followers. I've just never seen any effort, really. She doesn't even really put effort into her manipulations. She barely lifts a finger to do her dirty deeds, and if that doesn't work, she disappears for six or eight months. I just have a hard time seeing her getting more viscous in her direct attacks. Perhaps she will find more insidious ways to try and get to my husband, or ramp up her efforts when it comes to sending others after him. But other than that...I just can see her putting in the effort.
    Then again, you could be right. It's good to at least be prepared for the idea that she could attack again in the future.

    Anon - Very astute observations. I agree that Narcs don't take the high road (as in moral...and as I'm using that word, I'm laughing because it's absurd to think the woman even has them..she SO doesn't). I think NMIL was trying to make it look like she was the better person though. I really do think she's up to something, which entails showing her little email to someone else. I think that's part of her game this time around. She might as well have never sent it to DH...I think it's for someone else's eyes.

    Wiggle room - YES!! I can so see that in this email. It's so easy to get out of your "promises" and "apologies" when you leave yourself loopholes bigger than Texas.

    I too didn't buy one bit of her fake apology. She hasn't recognized shit - she's just trying to make it look like she has. She used the words "accept" and "respect" because she knows that's what she's supposed to say in this instance. We're all calling bullshit here though!

    And you're SO right - walking away is the best thing we can do. We're just going to ignore her pathetic excuse for a form of communication.

  5. Yeah, I knew what you meant by the "High Road." My comment was tongue-in-cheek and a lifetime of experience.
    Yep, your sense that this was meant for "public consumption" is a very accurate "take." NOW, SHE's the "victim." Uh huh. Maybe she can have a pity-party and invite all her "friends" who are young enough to be her son's age. Maybe she can wear the tiniest bikini on her old lady ass and be worshipped for the "NOT Goddess" she thinks she is.
    "Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect(ly) disgusting in every way."

  6. Wow Anon, you hit that nail right on the head. So you've caught on how disgustingly this woman behaves. I wouldn't put it past her to be running around in skimpy clothes in front of young men that are her son's age.

    Oh yuck. I need some eye bleach.

  7. Narcs don't like to lose! It may seem like she's ready to give up and bury her favourite chew toy (your DH) but, like the bitch she is, I'm betting she'll be back to dig it up so she can try to gnaw off another piece!

  8. Mulderfan - I wonder what will come down the pike next. I suppose it's best not to get on that hamster wheel. Might as well just deal with it when the time comes. The funny thing is that she's already losing, and she's going to keep on losing the longer she keeps this nonsense up. Blech. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

  9. If my Son..ever..wanted to leave me for transgressions...real or perceived...I would be on my knees, begging forgiveness and learn how to walk on my hands for weeks at a time if that is what it required for him to forgive me...there would be no room for any question that I would not turn the world up side down for him...

    My Hubby went no contact November Christmas we got a card addressed to wasn't even signed...just one sentence...

    It said..."we need your address"...and inside it...was piece of said "we need your address if you want an x-mas gift"


    1. Do you have a PO box? How could they send you a card if they didn't have your address?

      I actually find that message to be super creepy. And eew, strings. I'm glad you are able to laugh about it though, it's absurd!