Dear Readers, there is a very good reason why NMIL's email to my husband seemed so lacking in heart, so generic, and so lazy.
It was a form letter that she copied and pasted, almost word for word, from Dr. Coleman's suggested form letters for parents to send to their estranged children.
Out of curiosity, I googled a line from her email and within seconds, hit on this forum for estranged parents. The link on google brought me directly to a page where an estranged mother had this to say (I have highlighted the sections that are identical, or nearly-identical to the email from NMIL):
Title of Post: Can't send my letter of amends yet
Posted on 04/18/11, 02:50 pm
Hi everyone. Hope you are all in a good space. I wrote my letter of amends last week and I just can't seem to being myslef to mail it. I followed Dr. Coleman's suggestions and instructions but it just feels like it is letting her off the hook. This weekend will mark 2 years since my ED talked to me...maybe it just seems that we've issed the opportunity.
The thing that Dr. Coleman said that keeps echoing in my head is that many of the EC he's talked to felt that parents didn't try to contact their EC more. I've done that and I have just given up trying. I waffle between acceptance and anguish.
Any thoughts? here's my letter as per Dr. Coleman:
April 15, 2011
Dear Caitlin:
You are my child and I love you dearly. I know that I made terrible mistakes with you when you were growing up. I know at times I didn’t show you the respect that you wanted. I know that you must be in a lot of pain to want to cut off contact with me.
I have reread your emails and I am glad now that you let me know how you feel. I am so sorry for the ways that I let you down as a parent. I know that I was harsh in many ways as well as being distant and not respectful of the adult you have become and that that was hurtful to you. I could understand why that would make it harder to have a relationship with me. It is true that I was preoccupied in many ways when you were a young adult and that it prevented me from being as involved with you as would have been good for you. I know I didn’t treat you as the adult you have become.
I hope there are ways that I can make it up to you in the future. I have tried hard to make amends to you and am willing to continue talking about whatever is important to you about the past if it can move us closer together. I do want to hear what you feel and would always be open to a letter, a phone call, or a meeting with a family therapist if that would be helpful.
I really want you to be happy, and I am coming to accept that you don't want to have a relationship with me. It's heartbreaking, as your parent, to not be able to see you or talk to you. At the same time, if you believe it's in your best interest, then I don't want you to feel guilty. You must have your reasons and I can accept your decision if that's what you have to do. I want you to know that the door will be open for the rest of your life if you change your mind. Until then, I will respect your wishes and refrain from contacting you.
With my love,
TrilliumLady
I am sad to say, Dear Reader, that I am not surprised. Disgusted and appalled. But not surprised. This is precisely the reason that I felt that NMIL spent no more than five minutes writing her email. In fact, it seems she may have spent even less time than that.
It is sad and appalling to me that this woman couldn't even be bothered to put forth the effort to save any sort of relationship with her son. It is sad and appalling to me that the thought of losing her son for the rest of his life isn't enough to make her change. This is proof that I was right - NMIL has no heart.
She is empty. She is barren of empathy. It is proof that she just sent this email to my husband so that she could turn around and show others what a "loving" mother she is. Her email is down-right creepy and robotic, and it seems that you, my dear readers, have picked up on that.
I would like to share some of my dear readers comments on NMIL's email, since they were right on the money:
Judy said, "It was a very typical narcissistic type of communication. It was all about her. Her perceptions, her feelings, her wants, her needs."
Anon said, "Any and all "apologies" from a narc are maneuver in any event to get their needs met: "F you and your feelings/life" etc. Let's have a round of applause for "disingenuous. "Love" is truly a four letter word in their world...Yep, your sense that this was meant for "public consumption" is a very accurate take."
Ruth wrote (On DH's post): "Nice generic letter that could have been written by my mother to me. Or any number of other people."
Mulderfan wrote (On DH's post): "Ruth is right..."generic" not a heartfelt letter of remorse just more bull shit!"
Thank you, everyone, for your insightful thoughts. It would seem our instincts about NMIL's email were one hundred percent accurate.
WOW! Shallow, heartless bitch! Hopefully this is the final nail in NMIL's coffin.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heart breaking revelation this must be for your DH! My heart aches for him. Thankfully, he has you to apply healing hugs and kisses.
(I can't believe the train wrecks Coleman's cyber advice leaves in its wake!)
Heartless....yep, that's what I keep going back to too, Mulderfan.
ReplyDeleteShe's got no heart!
That is really creepy.
ReplyDeleteHow awful. Can't she write from her own heart? She clearly has no idea how to. Well spotted jonsi x
ReplyDeleteAnd then Coleman goes on to address the "issue" of when an estranged son/daughter sees your "letter of amends" as a manipulation - furnishing them with more strategy to handle this reaction - it's like, HELLO, it IS a manipulation! Why would you arm an estranged parent with more strategy to deflect their adult son/daughters' legitimate reaction to a fake letter???
ReplyDeleteThis kind of tactic misses the point completely, makes estrangements worse, and further entrenches the problems that lead to the estrangement in the first place.
talk about epic fail!
upsi
omg. jeez that is...i mean jeez. i don't know. that's just a shock, wow. ugh. it's sad. very very sad. for your husband. wow. i hope he sees now just what an awful truth this is. shit, she just tried to pull the wool over his eyes.
ReplyDeleteway to go with the cybersleuthing, without it, this nail wouldn't have gotten nailed!
Well.... since I'm trying to look on the bright side of things lately, instead of always the negative, I'm going to say....
ReplyDeletehmmmm....think, think, think,....
It's a positive that she took the time to google "amends letters" and cut and paste one together??? She could have just blamed it all on you. :)
I see what you mean Jonsi. Stunning to realize that copying a letter would thought to be OK way to make amends. No wonder it sounds like a form letter. I wonder if Dr. Coleman comprehends the increased damage he is causing by encouraging these type of tactis? I guess the way to hell is paved in good intentions. Sorry to see this is what happened to your DH. He doesn't deserve this at all.
ReplyDeleteThe really scary part? What she LEFT OUT of the form letter. This shows evil intent.
ReplyDeleteShe leaves out the apology part, fake as it is. She leaves out the part about not wanting her child to feel guilty.
Sadly classic. And wow, for a professional to arm his patients with a form of manipulation that they don't even need to think up on their own.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your DH had to experience another blow. The lengths to which they will go to deceive is beyond the pale.
ReplyDeleteThis is what professionals do? No wonder so many of us can't stand them! It seems only those of us who have been abused are able to comfort and support each other. I think that's probably why support groups like AA and NA are successful -- because people who have the addictions are most suited to help others like themselves.
it's all so stupid. coleman must be some sort of narcissist himself. "here, this will fool everyone!" either that or really really really naive. maybe the parents told him "but we dont know how to sound like real human beings!" "okay i've got it figured. i have collected a group of sentences that other human beings say."
ReplyDeletereally, in a way, this letter is just like that email. it's a bunch of conventional sentences. that's the creepiness of it. now you know exactly how they operate. they literally mentally copy+paste the shit that spews out of their mouths. hahaha. as fake as a billboard of a beach. nothing behind it. creepy.
Jonsi, I was just reading through your blog. Your NMIL is something one only hopes to come into contact with in a dark comedy type of movie. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteI was lucky in my MIL, she was a wonderfl person as was my FIL. Sadly both of them are dead (a year apart no less).
My husband's family has been such a gift. Not perfect, but very very nice people with souls and caring.
Winterskiprincess - I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband's parents. I'm sure it's particularly harder because you considered them to be kind and loving people.
ReplyDeleteI've come to the conclusion about my NMIL that she is, in fact, evil. It's always validating to hear that others agree with that assessment.
I am lucky in my life in having been blessed with loving, kind, and wonderful parents. Luckily, they are still here and are always here for us. My parents have really reached out to DH and accepted them into their love. I'm glad that we have them in our lives, and that our children will at least have one set of loving (non-evil!) grandparents.
Sorry to be late to the post here, but I had to chime in with Pronoia -- really frightening what your NMIL chose to leave out of her copy of the letter. I also am alarmed at what Dr Coleman's forum inadvertently feeds (or maybe he is deliberate. i'm still hanging on to some naiveté that most people aren't mercenary).
ReplyDeleteI wrote a massive comment to this post (your blog inspired my needing to get a load off my chest), but I didn't want to hijack your site. So, I posted the full rant/ramble on my neglected blog instead and linked back here. If that is not cool with you, let me know and I will remove the link and mention of your blog. The link is http://delilah2muchlove.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/accountability-estranged-parentchild-relationships/
Anyway, I had to express my own dismay at realizing how much I would love a letter like that from my NM. This weekend, I received a non-apology from her that carefully avoided any true expression of contrition or affection. One of those "I regret that the situation has become so tense" blathers. She is hoping to redraw the boundary line because she wants something rather significant from me that I had been willing to do for her -- if she hadn't repeatedly lied and tried to manipulate me, even after multiple requests to cease or I would not be able to continue to work with her.
Good lord, I could only dream of her ever sending a note saying she would see a therapy as a family (even if it were purportedly to get me over "my" issues) or say she had an interest in hearing my feelings. Hell, I'd take hearing her say she made terrible mistakes even if she meant she's only acknowledging that her mistake was to have me! She is that incapable of taking even an iota of responsibility for her parenting.
And I am that sadly thirsty for signs of real humanity in the woman. I have to stop trying to get drinks from the damn empty well.
I’m a little skeptical of Dr Coleman’s methods of assisting estranged family members via his forum and website. In his noticeably precise message delivery, he provides too much leniency for malicious narcissists (or rather, he neglects to delineate those parents who might cause more harm by adopting his advice and gives wide berth for narcissists to identify themselves as among the conscientious good parents he describes.
vicariousrising - By all means, link away. I'm really glad that this post inspired you, though I'm saddened for you, that NMIL's copy-and-pasted letter of amends could possibly seem better than what you've gotten from your own NM.
ReplyDeleteI think that for me, the two biggest problems with NMIL's letter, as you've pointed out, are that she left out the part about not wanting her son to feel guilty, and that she so lacks the empathy required to write a true letter of apology and amends. To me, her letter represents more than just a lack of originality, it represents how very empty she is, and I'm sorry that there are so many more people out there like her.
When you think of what a mother is supposed to be, the love that she is supposed to give...people like your NM and NMIL are just so scarily opposite. And you're right, Dr. Coleman is merely playing the game of these malignant narcissists in order to have his 15 minutes and make his money.
Thank you for taking the time to comment here, I appreciate your voice.