Today, I read something on the Dr. Coleman forum that truly made my heart ache and made me angry, righteously so, that people like Dr. Coleman are only catering to the hurts being suffered by estranged parents. My question is, what about the estranged sons and daughters? Why are their hurts being ignored by this man who claims to have the answer to ending estrangement? I'll tell you why, Dear Reader, it's because Dr. Coleman, and all the estranged parents out there who are busy blaming their sons and daughters are WRONG. The way to end estrangement is NOT by allowing the parents to continue their onslaught of manipulations. The way to end estrangement is NOT by catering to wealthy parents who just want to give the appearance that they are good people. The way to end estrangement and all the hurts caused by it is not to expect that everyone who enters your forum will be there to ONLY show support and empathy for the parents who are estranged.
Mike, who started the original thread for the now infamous (at least in our community) Dr. Coleman thread titled "Many parents will never admit that they are responsible for the estrangement" wrote the following today:
I feel like a fool…
My younger brother passed away a couple of weeks ago. His passing has been the most heart wrenching ordeal I've ever had to go through, more so than the abuse we suffered at the hands of our parents. He was the only person in my life that was important to me. And now my little brother is gone.
The beauty that came from the abuse my brother and I experienced from our parents was the gift of the bond we shared. Lonely, with no family and only a couple of friends, I decided to contact my father for closure…and he rejected me. I feel numb. The night I witnessed my father holding a loaded gun to my brother's head while he threatened to blow his brains out on the floor keeps racing through my mind. He claims he's the victim of the estrangement, and despite all the abuse, the rejection has left me an empty shell.
I regret ever having started this thread, and I apologize to everyone for posting this. I noticed some parents on this board don't like the fact that adult children of estranged parents have been posting here. Why is that? No worries. That's why I'm asking Dr. Coleman to delete this thread.
My heart aches for this man, who not only had to suffer terrible abuses at the hands of his parents, but who recently lost the one person in life he loved the most. There is something so terribly heart-wrenching about his statement that he was able to find beauty in the abuses he suffered - and that that beauty is now gone. To say that the death of his brother has been harder than being abused his whole life is one powerful statement. And it's as though Mike feels that there is nothing to show for it all, no one left to validate him, no one left to prove that he isn't alone. I'm afraid for this man who may be feeling so alone in the world.
Mike, if you're listening, you aren't alone. I am so deeply sorry for the painful loss you have suffered, so terribly hurt for you that you don't have parents to turn to during this very dark time. No apologies are necessary, no explanations needed. I know there are many people out there who share your pain and who would welcome you into their worlds with open arms. Our community here is just one example, of which I'm sure there are more.
I have found the Dr. Coleman forum to be an uninviting place, where most of the people who post are not interested in hearing anyone's side but their own. I think many of the estranged parents who go there are merely seeking guidance from a source who will validate their self-righteous behaviors and manipulations. I posted there, along with my husband and several others from our community, in the hopes that we could tell our truths as well.
I'm sorry that your truths have been rejected by your parents, and that most of us have not truly been heard on the Dr. Coleman forum, where the parents there are more interested in proving to the world how right they are, than they are invested in creating healthier relationships with their children. You don't have to apologize to me, for you gave me an opportunity to express my own views and opinions, in a place where I was most certain I would not be welcome.
You are a brave man, Mike, for telling your truths in spite of their reception. You are a survivor, and a warrior-spirit, for you would not have made it as far as you have without a burning inner strength that so few of us maintain.
My heart goes out to you, wherever you may roam. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered, and I hope that you find peace and love. I SUPPORT YOU.