Monday, June 13, 2011

Go Ahead and Sell Me Out, and I'll Lay Your Shit Bare

My apologies, Dear Reader, for my sparse posts these past few days. DH and I have been extremely busy with summer house projects and it's been tough for me to carve out time for all the things I want to do. But, on we go, rolling in the deep. We left off last in the NMIL saga at EFIL and L's obligatory Christmas visit in December of 2010.

Nearing the end of January 2011, DH got a phone call from EFIL asking if he and L could come down and visit once a week to see the babies.

All my flags went up. Why, all of a sudden, did he want to come visit? Why, after almost two years, was he suddenly expressing an interest in our lives and our babies, and was it really genuine? I have seen EFIL, time and again, talk this same talk, never with any real follow through. I had a lot of trouble believing that this time would be any different.

But, hope springs eternal, doesn't it Dear Reader? Mine a little less so than DH's, but still it was there. We both thought, "Maybe now? Maybe now he wants to be a part of our lives. Maybe now he is going to start changing and realizing that he's missing out." So we made plans to see him, me with many lingering doubts weighing heavily in my mind. After seeing DH be disappointed by his EF so many times, I did not want to see it happen again.

On January 19, 2011, EFIL came to our house. He brought DD something to eat, but only because he told us he was stopping at McDonalds on the way to our house and we had asked that he bring something for her. I didn't want DD to feel badly if EFIL came in with french fries and chicken nuggets and there were none for her. We had thought it strange that he was not interested in eating our dinner, or sharing his with us.

He came with some Christmas presents for the babies, supposedly from L's son (DH's step-brother, whom he is not close with and rarely speaks to). At the time, I felt, more than anything, that this was just another obligatory visit, rather than one coming from the heart. During the course of the mere thirty minutes he stayed at our house, he confused our one-year-old daughter with our one-month-old son. To my embarrassment, he blundered, "Oh, he can eat solid food already?" in reference to our daughter. His momentary confusion between our son and daughter was annoying and odd. Also, in the thirty minutes he "graced us with his presence," he referred to himself as "Uncle EFIL" in his relationship with our children. When I repeated, "Uncle EFIL?" he laughed it off and said, "What? What? I have to get used to it." By "it" I assumed he meant being called "grandpa."

By that point, he'd had over a year to get used to that title.

After EFIL's blunders and his pretend-interest in our children, DH asked EFIL if he minded driving him to the airport because he had an upcoming two-week training trip out of state and needed a ride. DH and I had previously discussed the option of him asking his father instead of my mother to bring him to the airport, since he felt badly that he was "taking advantage" of my parents. Though my mother had assured him she had no problem chauffeuring him, DH decided to ask EFIL, with the added hope that they could use the time to talk and bond.

EFIL agreed to the task.

He also told NMIL about it.

And proved my theory that he was not visiting us out of the kindness of his heart, or to fulfill his fatherly duties to his son. He came to spy. He came to do NMIL's bidding. He came to find out what was going on in our lives and turn around and tell her, even though DH had already expressed his discomfort with the fact that EFIL and NMIL continued to keep up their dialog about him behind his back.

EFIL called DH the night before he was to come pick him up and said, "So I have a great idea! Why doesn't your mother come pick you up and bring you to the airport."

DH said, "Because I asked you to, Dad."

Then DH asked EFIL why he was still talking with NMIL, and how often they did so.

"Because you're our son!" Said EFIL. "We'll always have you in common. We talk about once a month."

"Dad," Said DH, "It's really weird that you're still talking to my mother. I'm an adult now. There's no need for you to be doing that anymore. And it makes me uncomfortable."

DH told EFIL he would have to call him back and once he hung up the phone, he explained to me what his father had said.

I was livid. Absolutely livid. My blood was boiling.

Who the fuck was this scumbag, and who the hell did he think he was? What right did he think he have to go behind our backs and tell anyone, let alone NMIL, what our plans were? How dare he come to our house, under the guise of "fatherly love" to spy on us so that he could go back and tell other people about our plans.

The rage hit me with such intensity, that I couldn't even form sentences. It took me a long while to calm down, and I no longer had anything kind to say about EFIL or L and the part they played in DH's life. We had given them chance after chance to prove that they cared about us, to prove that they would respect us, respect DH, respect me. And every time, they pissed on their chances.

This time was no different. I pictured NMIL and EFIL having their monthly phone calls, with NMIL sobbing to him about how "terrible" her son was acting towards her, and how it was all "Jonsi's fault." I pictured EFIL patting her emotional shoulder, pat-pat-pat, and reassuring her that he'd fix it.

Let's face it, Dear Reader, this man has allowed himself to be manipulated by NMIL for the twenty-plus years they have been divorced and it doesn't look like he has any interest in removing himself from that position. The man had taken it upon himself to tell NMIL of our plans, and had, no doubt done it before against our knowledge. Truth-be-told, we had known that they spoke with each other, but neither DH nor I had dreamed that it was as frequent or as detailed as he told DH that day on the phone.

It got me thinking. When we called NMIL to tell her we were pregnant with DS, did she already know because EFIL had told her? Prior to our wedding, when EFIL talked to DH about how he didn't have to go through with marrying me, if he didn't want to, did those words actually come from the mouth of the she-devil herself? Probably. It didn't really surprise me, Dear Reader, when I rolled the thought over in my mind a few times.

It angered me. Through-and-through. I could feel the anger, the self-righteous flood of emotion, leaking out of my pores. The theory that EFIL and NMIL were really in cahoots was finally proven. The fact that they were both rooting for our demise was heart-breaking. The fact that it wasn't just NMIL who lacked respect for me and for our union was appalling, especially because all that time, EFIL had been pretending to be happy for our happiness.

In reality, he was just another Flying Monkey.

After discussing with me, DH called his father back and left a message saying "Thank you, but I no longer need a ride to the airport." I was just picturing DH being stuck in the car with EFIL and L, or worse, EFIL, L, and NMIL, on a two-plus hour ride to the airport. The thought of those people being alone with him in the car, where he could not escape their cruel and unusual punishment, was too much for me and I told him so. I feared that EFIL and NMIL would have shown up together, leaving no time for DH to get a ride from someone else (or so they thought, I would have driven DH to the airport myself, with our two little babes in the back if I needed to, and risked getting lost at the airport and getting home in the middle of the night if that meant keeping him away from their shameless and manipulative cruelty).

His father called back and left his own message, asking DH why he "hated his mother so much."

It still disgusts me to think that people like EFIL really believe that hatred was ever a part of the equation. When they lay their heads on their pillows at night, are these the thoughts running through their heads? Why does Jonsi hate NMIL so much? Why does DH hate NMIL so much? How could they hate her? What did she ever do to them? I must stop them from hating her. I must teach them a lesson. I must show them that she is not to be hated.

DH never called his EF back to answer any of those questions, because the answer did not exist.

The real issue is EFIL's continued effort to sell us out, to side with NMIL. He has proven his allegiance over and over, and it is not to us.

So, in the singing words of Adele, "Go ahead, EFIL, and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare."

Let the world know your hypocrisy, EFIL. Let the world see your evil. No amount of bible-thumping will ever make-up for the games you've played or the lies you've told. No talk of forgiveness from your lips will be held with any regard, because the only person you forgive in all of this is yourself. No amount of superficiality with be tolerated anymore, and no longer will we stand for your cowardice. If you want to play NMIL's game, be our guest. But we won't be a part of it. We won't stand for it. We'll lay your shit bare for the world, so that others may know the Truth.

Your truths are ugly, EFIL. Very, very ugly.

**Title Credit: Adele, Rolling in the Deep


  1. The hate question reminds me so much of my NF's last attack. These freaks are probably hung up on hate because it's the #1 emotion they feel toward others, even their own kids.

    "If you don't follow my wishes (commands) exactly to the letter you must hate me." is their philosophy of life.

    Real hate is rarely, if ever, experienced by reasonably secure, well balanced people. The harshest thing I can say about my parents is that I feel nothing toward them anymore, not even regret or sadness. A bit of pity used to sneak in but even that's gone these days.

    So glad DH didn't end up trapped in a car for two hours with those two freaks! I'll bet NM was pissed that he was forewarned!

  2. I hate to say this but been there, done that. I really, really resent the switcheroo. And they really don't get it. With my EF, it seems to be "If I have to put up with her, you can put up with her." Ummm... no. I am so glad DH had another option in plenty of time.

  3. Frustrating when people live down to the lowest expectations. Glad DH had another option and time to put it into place. I continue to be amazed how people assume that you feel hatred when all you are doing is self protecting. Why won't I get close to my brother? I'm over 50 years old and tired of being hit when he feels like it. He calls it teasing, my bruised body calls it pain. Safe distance is healthy for me.

  4. Mulderfan, Ruth, and Judy: As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and being my faithful readers.

    It is great that DH had the option to back out, and that he chose to. I think he saved himself one terrible car ride with a person who has been trying to sabotage our relationship from the very beginning. And I feel that the damage it might have taken on his self-esteem could have been further reaching than just a two hour time frame.

    I certainly wasn't okay with anyone treating him that way.

    It is no one's business if you have chosen to separate yourself from your FOO. I've seen the effects, first hand, of what happens when a person doesn't extricate themselves from a toxic FOO - and it is so sad. If they refuse to change and they are hurting you ((RUTH)) ((MULDERFAN)) ((JUDY)) it's time to get the fuck out of dodge.

  5. Anon - My thoughts, exactly

  6. I wrote a comment a few days ago and lost my internet connection and the comment so, here it goes...

    What strikes me is the tremendous amount of power that all these Ns hold over others - mainly ineffectual people. Ns don't surround themselves with strong minded people who can see through their scheming ways. EVERY N woman that I have known has had a "flying monkey" of some sort. And, they always call in the monkey when they know that their victim is onto them. Though, for me, it comes as no surprise when the monkey flies in to do the bidding, and I just ignore the monkey - usually because it's a phone call.

    The whole "flying monkey' thing is the exact reason why contact is dangerous with ANYONE who is in touch with them. These Ns pry and prod people for information. And, the monkeys are too afraid of them to say, mind you own f-ing business.

    I asked my N dad not discuss me with MN sister and he whined, "well I'm not going to lie to her." Meaning, I don't have the balls to tell her to back off, and I would rather betray you Lisette than face her wrath. He's still afraid of MN sister and MN Ex-wife who he hasn't spoken to in 20 years.

    Ns are pathological control freaks and being in charge means knowing everything about everyone. They are rendered powerless without information.

    EFIL's 30 minute visit says it all - he was on a mission for the NMIL and nothing more.

    There is no reasoning with Ns or their monkeys, they are too far gone. But, they truly do deserve one another.

  7. Lisette - Your comment is so accurate and has come with perfect timing - DH recently received a call from his EF (haven't written about it yet, though I will get there...I'm still trying to play "catch up" with all that's happened) and I had to read your comment here aloud to him.

    You're so right when you say, "The whole "flying monkey' thing is the exact reason why contact is dangerous with ANYONE who is in touch with them." I've been working on pointing that out to DH each time some flying monkey has come in our direction. It's so sad too, that Narcs manage to ruin every mutual relationship you share with them, but they do it because it suits there needs (and because people would rather be blind than see the painful truth.)

    Thanks for your insight. Perfect timing and great points that I have shared with DH.

  8. "Narcs manage to ruin every mutual relationship you share with them, but they do it to suit their needs..."

    Narcs are threatened by healthy, connected realtionships inhabited by healthy people. They "destroy" whatever they aren't capable of having. Sadly, that's the nature of the N Beast in a nut shell.

  9. The fact that NMIL is threatened by me is something I have kept in my pocket from the beginning. For her, it's all about power. But, she has unknowingly given it all up to me because of her own irrational fears.