Monday, June 20, 2011

Game Over

On April 9, 2011, NMIL friended DH's college ex-girlfriend on Facebook. We saw purely evil intentions and dark motives.

When our one-year wedding anniversary came around later that month, everyone from DH's FOO ignored it. We saw a group of people who would have been happy if DH and I had never gotten married. We saw anger, hatred, and a pathetic fight-to-be-right. We saw people who were more invested in their deeply-entrenched dysfunctions, than people who wanted DH to be happy. We saw them hunkering down in their familiar roles, and a flat-out refusal to take responsibility for anything that had happened.

We added those things to the "list" of their offenses and made our final decision: To go No Contact with NMIL and her entire side of the family.

Making the discovery that NMIL wasn't going to change was no walk-in-the-park for my husband. It was painful. It was ugly. It was terribly sad.

It was also necessary.

Let me just say that I am PROUD of my husband for who he is and for what he has done. It has not been easy to shake the lies that his parents clothed him in his whole life. It has not been pleasant for him to move from a place of denial to a place of reality. My heart aches for the little boy inside of him that just wanted to be loved and couldn't get it from the people who should have offered it freely. But I am so happy that he has chosen a healthier path for himself, and for us, as a new family.

DH had to make some sad realizations. He realized that NMIL was not someone who was ever going to change. She had shown her true colors from day one. Her cruelties were endless, her disrespect blatant. In April of 2011, DH decided enough was enough. He decided we were not going to sacrifice our mental, physical, or emotional health in order to have a relationship with her.

He decided it was over.

Game Over, NMIL.

10 comments:

  1. DH - I do understand how difficult that acceptance is. I have done the same thing over the last 6 months. I addressed the problems with my NM in January. No change. No hope of change. I can empathize with DH and the grief that comes with it. Hoping you are having a great summer.

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  2. Ruth - Thank you for your kind thoughts and for sharing your own personal experiences.

    "We have been friends together, in sunshine and in shade." -Caroline Sheridan Norton

    In spite of NMIL and EFIL's continued resistance, DH and I are having a wonderful summer.

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  3. As painful as it is to admit the truth to yourself, there is also something incredibly freeing about not trying to keep all the lies straight. Best wishes for continuing and improving good health!

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  4. Well done! So happy your DH has your support and discovered the truth early in life.

    There is an awesome post about the stages in recovery ACoNs go through at: http://the-one-you-feed.blogspot.com/2010/09/stages-in-recovery.html

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  5. Hallelujah! Stay strong.

    If you do ever make contact again, you will be reminded soon enough, that it was the best decision you ever made, and you will never go back.

    I learned the hard way after 17 years.

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  6. Mon Dieu, this is the option of last recourse. It hurts. It haunts one for some time..."Was I right?" Relax and sit back for awhile. If your DH thinks the foo is gonna fold up the "Circus Tent" and just walk away....no, this isn't gonna happen. Believe me, just give it some time and they WILL remind you why you decided to NC.

    Time and distance gives you what you need... just sit back and see the response(s). I promise, it/they will confirm your decision.

    They never fail to give themselves away.

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  7. No doubt about that, Anon.

    Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone.

    I'm so glad I have such wonderful supporters along for the ride.

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  8. IMO, your husband was blessed to have a wife who was able to cut to the chase and show him a way to live-not simply exist. No doubt, he'll go through many changes emotionally regarding this decision....he'll question, minimize ("Were they REALLY that HORRIBLE?) but again, DH, just sit tight for awhile. With time you'll see the dynamics as clearly as your wife has; more importantly, you'll understand at a very profound level, you missed a bullet. Grief is a part of this journey and a very important component.

    Please understand grief is not only about what was, but more importantly what never will be....it represents a loss of hope....and a new order in terms of how you conceptualize your history, present and your future.

    Promise, it will get different, easier and less painful. There IS light at the end and all that good stuff. However, there will be times when the doubt regarding this decision will creep in-that's normal, IMO. However, the pdparent never fails to live down to your expectations....just give 'em-and yourself a chance to live with the "Post NC" reality.

    Kudos to both of you. Here's to a whole new life!

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  9. Anon #2 - Thank you for your support, input, and shared thoughts. Your words are very kind and mean a lot to me.

    I've always believed that, when we met, the part of DH that was seeking Truth, fell in love with me right then and there. I believe he has always had an inclination that something wasn't quite right with his previous life, and that together, he and I could figure it out.

    I agree with you, he'll go through moments of doubt. But there IS light at the end, and we'll be together to enjoy that light together.

    So nice to feel your presence here, Anon.

    Best,

    Jonsi

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  10. Oh, it's so hard, that first step, but good for him for choosing an authentic life.

    And we're on the same track apparently. I came to the same realization in April 2011, too.

    It feels a decision that has taken a lifetime to make. But now that it's made, there's a brand-new better lifetime to live.

    Good job, Jonsi's husband!

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