Friday, June 17, 2011

Dot Dot Dot

The subject of birthdays has come up frequently on my blog, and for good reason. How one chooses to acknowledge the yearly anniversary of another person's birth can give great insight into their modus operandi. Since the act of celebrating a birthday is equivalent to celebrating the life of the person, clearly then, opting to ignore a birthday is equivalent to disregarding that person's very existence. In a similar vein, when dealing with Narcs, any time a birthday is celebrated, there are always strings attached to the celebration: including but not limited to the party, if one is thrown, the gifts, if any are given, and the acknowledgments, if there are any to be had. If one benefits from the attention of a Narc, it is only by chance and, in most cases, because there are strings attached that the Narc wishes to pull at a later stage of the game.

Enter, NMIL. I have seen her disregard DH on his birthday. I have seen her draw attention to herself on her own birthday, on several occasions, in a grandiose attempt to remain the center of attention at all times. I have witnessed her ridiculous attempt to buy DH's love by sending an obnoxious bouquet of flowers on DD's first birthday. As though any one year old has an interest in flowers. In 2009, the only acknowledgment she made of my special day, was a brief mention of it in an email to my husband after the fact.

In 2011, she ignored it completely. Here's why, Dear Reader: NMIL knew that no amount of flowers would impress me. No birthday card decorated with her phony script would fool me. No extravagant gifts would sway me. She ignored it because she believes she can treat people however she wants and there won't be any consequences. She ignored it because she was hoping that all of her nastiness would drive DH and I apart. She ignored it because she knew, thanks to EFIL, that DH wasn't going to be around, so there was NO ONE HOME TO IMPRESS. NMIL ignored my birthday because she wanted to send the message, loud and clear, that I mean nothing to her and she wishes that I did not exist.

I have no doubts that her lack of acknowledgement had nothing to do with a poor memory. No, Dear Reader, I assure you that this woman is hyper-aware of my birthday, and our childrens' birthdays, and our anniversary, and every other special occasion we might celebrate.

Here's the thing she is too dense to figure out: I know what she is. I can so clearly see the slippery, slimy monster lurking underneath her pampered skin. It doesn't hurt my feelings, though she probably wished it did, that she ignored my special day. It came as no great shock to me that she would choose to behave in such a manner. I called her shit-storm from a mile away because I have met monsters like her before and they are ALL THE SAME.

She must not have realized that she was digging her own grave, slowly but surely proving her self a monster lacking even enough empathy and love to fill up a thimble. NMIL was giving us more and more reason to ex-communicate her from our lives with each passing day and every sleight of hand.

Two weeks after my birthday passed, and one week after DH returned from his business trip in February, she wrote DH an email:

From: NMIL
Date: Thursday, February 17, 2011
Time: 11:09 PM
Subject: Hi DH...
To: DH

Me and SIL are leaving for a little vacation tomorrow morning – wanted to tell you I love you and am thinking about you. SIL told a funny story today about how somebody said something that reminded her of you and she laughed so hard – we do miss seeing you and talking with you.

Hope to see you and your family soon – please call when you can – we will be back on Tuesday night. I send [sic] you and email a few weeks ago and called you but I haven’t heard back yet. We would love to come see you and Jonsi and [DD's name spelled wrong] and DS.




The dynamics of DH's past relationship with this woman were such that she assumed he was merely going to eat up the shit she so readily offered him. Though DH responded to the above with some superficiality, I assure you that behind the scenes, his unhappiness with his mother's behaviors was growing. NMIL's superficiality and complete disregard for the feelings of others has become more and more obvious to DH. He is growing increasingly more aware of her disingenuous and cruel nature.

How completely dishonest to say, "We would love to come see you and Jonsi and [DD's name spelled wrong] and DS." What lies she was spewing!

It makes me laugh just thinking that there are actually people who would believe her lies and fall for her trickery, when it's so easy to See through it! Believe me, not one detail of her email was overlooked, not one component missed in our discussion as we dissected it. Everything, right down to the ellipsis at the end of her subject line was crucial to our greater understanding of her motives. On the ellipsis, according to Wikipedia (highlighting for emphasis, mine):

Ellipsis (plural ellipses; from the Ancient Greek: ἔλλειψις, élleipsis, "omission" or "falling short") is a series of marks that usually indicate an intentional omission of a word in the original text. An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis). When placed at the end of a sentence, the ellipsis can also inspire a feeling of melancholy longing. The ellipsis calls for a slight pause in speech.

The email was a set-up. It was an attempt to gloss over her most recent behaviors and get back to the status quo. It was also an attempt to elicit enough guilt from my DH that he would back down and conveniently forget what she had done. The email represented her most superficial and ridiculous stretch for attention: Her pathetic little anecdote deserves nothing but mockery - I heard something from someone who heard something from someone who heard something that kind of sort of reminded me of you. The absurd commentary revealed her poorly-hidden message: We miss you. I miss you. I need you in order to feel whole. Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back to me.

Of course NMIL misses seeing DH and talking with him. Because he once was one of her greatest sources of NS. The lies she concluded her email with were merely one last attempt at gaining his attention: "See?" She said. In my mind's eye I can see her charming grin. "I'm even mentioning your wife and children because I care about you so much."

Ah, no, NMIL. We don't see any such caring. We see a stretch of emptiness behind your eyes that indicates that no one is home. We see a woman who ignored my birthday because she wishes I didn't exist. We see a hopeless monster who did everything possible to sabotage the relationships of both of her children from the very beginning and, if given the chance, would continue to do so.

NMIL, don't think for one second that I don't know EXACTLY what you are doing. And I'm not afraid.

But you should be. Because I see the truth and I've learned how to tell it. Because I know exactly what you are and can smell your deceit like shit on a shoe. Because my knowledge is power. And you've given every last drop of it to me.


  1. Shit...shit...shit....MIL, you have once again been busted by your DIL, the little terrorist of truth. It's not only acts of COMMISSION MIL, it's acts of OMISSION that so clearly give you away.
    In view of the reality you were ultimately unable to annihilate your son, you are continuing to attempt to annihilate your DIL who scares you half to death....because she oh-so-clearly had your number from the get. And that's enough to send the narc into spasms of panic as demonstrated by their passive aggressive behavior.
    Transparency, thy name is narcissism-as seen by the informed bystander who may nor know what it's called, but intuitively knowns the narc is dangerous to all living things.

  2. Wow Anon. I love that commentary. You're words are refreshing to me!

    Narcs are afraid of the truth, and therefore they are afraid of me. Where they are lies, I am truth. Where they are deceit I am honesty.

    NMIL is a nothing but a coward.

  3. My NPs ignored last year's birthday as punishment for a little note I sent asking them to treat me with respect and stop the yelling and name calling.

    I managed to struggle through without their call. Sob!

    I sometimes feel like I'm back teaching five year olds.

  4. Kick-ass comment Anon!

    Jonsi, I'm thrilled that NMIL is faced with someone that can lay her shit out bare. Life will never be the same for that nasy bitch. Lies (NMIL) is now going toe-to-toe with TRUTH (Jonsi).

    TRUTH is what the bright light shows the situation to be, not what the darkness tries to pawn off.

    As for the email: "Someone said something that reminded her of you and she laughed so hard..."

    That part stuck-out for me and made me uncomfortable... she's totally baiting DH into contact by omitting the whole story. Common narc trick. She wants him to ask her, "what was so funny?" It's also really mean because it says she laughed so hard... at you. It's so damn familiar, gave me the creeps.

    You're way too smart for her Jonsi.

    Was wondering if you have ever taken her aside and said, "listen biatch. I'm onto you..." ??

    She's never going to change, so all you can do is try and scare her into submission.

    Maybe her blood would boil to the point of death if she read your last two blog posts?? It's worth a try. hee hee.

    Ps. Thank you for your kind comment(on my blog).

  5. Lisette: I really like this sentiment: "TRUTH is what the bright light shows the situation to be, not what the darkness tries to pawn off." Truth is about seeing what's real, rather than ignoring it. Even though what's real is sometimes very, very ugly...I've always thought it important to see it anyway.

    I agree with your assessment of the part from NMIL's email. I hadn't caught the aspect of belittling that was going on there, so thanks for pointing it out. It's amazing how many levels there are in the email - and every one is something nasty!

    I've never had an opportunity to take her aside. The closest I've ever come was during DH's two conversations with her in which he called her out for her behaviors (the first was when we discussed her lies, the second was his declaration of independence). In both instances I told her like it was, no holds barred.

    There is a part of me that would like for her to read my blog. As you said, maybe it would shrivel the rest of her like a grape in the sun, to read the TRUTH about the situation: That we know what she is.

    Thanks for reading Lisette and for your great insights.


  6. Mulderfan said: I sometimes feel like I'm back teaching five year olds.

    Me too!! Though technically, for me, it isn't back, but I do feel like I'm dealing with five-year-olds, only I don't have any power to discipline.

    And I agree with Lisette's observation that the partial story was a bait. An old acquaintance used to do that to me all the time.

    I was a bit defensive at first regarding the ellipsis. Silly, I know, but I use it frequently. In fact, it shows up in my headings quite often, because I'm using it to show there's more coming. Then I looked at the subject line of the email, again, and you're right, the ellipsis is disconcerting. That being said, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt only because so many people use punctuation marks incorrectly.

    As for her forgetting your birthday, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she actually forgot it. It wasn't about her, so it wasn't important to her. And isn't that a sorry statement? My parents failed to remember my birthday most of the time. Being remembered was not a comfort, because there was always a price tag. It wasn't until I found my friends of the last nine years that my birthday has become a day to celebrate.

    Please don't think I've gone soft, nor have I turned to the dark side. What I did see: An email devoted entirely to herself. It was all about her. I'm doing... I feel... SIL told me... I want... I did... I feel...

    Where was anything about DH and the family he cherishes? Something along the lines of "How are you?" or "Hope your work, your family, you are doing well." Something that focuses on DH rather than being a hook to bring it back around to her. The everyday common courtesies.

  7. Judy, your thought on the ellipses (and your feeling of defensiveness) is not silly at all. In fact, I use ellipses constantly! Mostly, I use them between thoughts as a way to express that more is coming, as you have pointed out as well. I am not willing to give NMIL the benefit of the doubt, because I don't feel she deserves it, but I can very much appreciate your point of view. I could be wrong in my thinking that the use of ellipses was another pull on DH's guilt strings - it just seems to me that she's used that tactic before, so this might as well be more of the same.

    I'm glad you're keeping me on my toes, Judy! I truly appreciate your opinion here. I realize my observations could be inaccurate, so it's really nice to know that I have readers and friends who See things I don't necessarily See.

    I think you also make a good point about the possibility of NMIL actually forgetting my birthday. The biggest reason why I have leaned towards thinking she ignored it on purpose is because those kinds of things are "important" to her in the sense that they are typically great ways to elicit guilt from people. Narcs are so good at using legitimate situations (births, deaths, special occasions, etc) to pull strings! It is my thought that it was not coincidental that she chose to ignore it because she knew DH wasn't going to be around. I think, had he been home, she would have used my birthday as a means to get at him - that could have meant sending an email, or giving a phone call, where she presented it as a "oh, by the way, tell Jonsi I said happy birthday" but in reality, she was using it as an excuse for manipulation.

    Finally, right on, concerning your thoughts about the email being all about NMIL. You're right, it was all, me-me-me, I-I-I, I want, etc. Nothing genuine what-so-ever about DH or his beloved FOC.

    Right on Judy. Hugs!

  8. Since NMIL uses the ignore as a punishment tactic regularly, she's holding true to type, as Narcs do. With my own NM and EF, it really is a case of forgetting because it isn't pertinent to her. I think that's one of the scariest things I've noticed. It's almost like mind reading, but all you're doing is demonstrating that you've learned what they'll do by their own example!

    My birthday used to be the absolute worst day of the year. The goal was to survive it with the least amount of fallout. My friends gave me a whole new perspective. Most of the family is generally not a part of my celebration, though my sister and I arrange to do something special.

  9. So, I posted to your comment on my blog, but will post something here to.
    First, to all those people who use the ellipse correctly and incorrectly, that is fine (and you shouldn't worry about it). But Jonsi is spot on in smelling the crap that this particular ellipse is indicating. There is so much "melancholy longing" that it is sick. My mother uses this particular punctuation in ridiculous amounts and it's not meant to indicate a pause to the reader. It's meant to imply guilt, sadness, longing, despondence, blah, blah, blah on my NM's part. I got an email tonight where, I'm not kidding, she used more than 35 ellipses in THREE PARAGRAPHS.
    Anyway, Jonsi, I also agree that your NMIL purposely ignored your birthday. My NMIL uses these opportunites to look like a doting grandmother or her son. I often get email cards clearly sent at the last second or after she's received my card (on Mother's Day cards). We get thank you cards sent only to my email, which is also for effect. In essence, to say "look how thoughtful/wonderful I am. I am thanking you." She never sends thank yous to her son or sends him Father's Day cards. Just me. And it's all so phony. Oh, and for my birthday, she never asks me what I want. And when I dared ask for something one year, she wouldn't get it for me. And her gifts are very obviously made out to be "tiered". As in the more important narc suppliers get better gifts, the less important ones get less important/thoughtful/expensive gifts. I'm sure when you get to these parts of my blog, you'll see so many similiarites.
    One last point, the "laugh so hard" crap. This also makes me creeped out. NMIL and EF love to tell husband about how they were talking about me and SIL (comparing us) and LAUGHED SO HARD. Not laughed with us. Laughed at us. It's a favorite hobby of theirs. It's always bothered me. Asses. At least NM and Estep-father just laugh at me to my face, not behind my back.