Friday, May 6, 2011

Little Lamb

By March 2010, you'd better believe I had NMIL pinned as the manipulative Narc that she is, and I decided that WE were not going to be the losers of HER game. She had long ago stopped offering "help" for the events leading up to our wedding: neither DH nor I can accurately recall when the last time was that she feigned excitement about our upcoming marriage, but we both have a sense that it was sometime in mid-2009, months before our daughter was born. All you have to do to see how Mommy Dearest really felt about me, our baby, and our engagement, Dear Reader, is take a look at the message she sent to DH about a year before our wedding. Bolding for emphasis, mine:

Wed, May 27, 2009
10:48 AM
From: NMIL

I had some thoughts I wanted to share openly with you so I thought I would type them so you can share with Jonsi.
I think insurance-wise you might be better off if Jonsi stayed on her dad’s till the baby is born. You can put your name on the child’s birth certificate and the baby will be covered by your insurance even if you do the paternity test. Jonsi will be covered under her dad’s. I am always concerned about pre-existing conditions on insurance and some weird wavers that they forget to tell you about. Insurance can be pretty tricky. This way you don’t have to have a shotgun wedding and we can plan a really nice ceremony for after the little lamb is born – which is really how Jonsi wanted it anyway. It won’t feel so “forced” if you have it afterwards and she doesn’t have to be pregnant bride. You guys deserve a really nice wedding and then you can concentrate on moving and preparing for the baby since it will be a busy time for you guys as it is.
I love you sweetheart!

Love, Ma

Dh had little knowledge at the time that he was only empowering her by entertaining this kind of talk. She added:

Wed May 27, 2009
11:04 AM
From: NMIL

...We will have a wonderful wedding next year then!!

Alright Dear Reader, let's take this one apart.

I had some thoughts I wanted to share openly with you so I thought I would type them so you can share with Jonsi.

I have read through this email a hundred times and this opening line always bothers me because it feels so disingenuous to me. She sent this email only moments after getting off the phone with DH. So, if she was working in the interest of "sharing openly," why wouldn't she have just said this on the phone to DH, or better yet, to the both of us? She didn't "forget" to tell him this on the phone, any more than she intended to have this information about her "concerns" shared with me. I guarantee that she was just stoking the flames of dishonesty here, believing that she had trained DH well enough not to share this email with me, even though she claimed to want him to. But you know, Dear Reader, don't you: that's not how Narco-Mommies work. They count on their children not communicating, not explaining, not looking too deeply, and keeping their secrets. It's part of the game: NMIL pretends to offer up her "thoughts" under the guise of pseudo-caring, with the covert message that this is information to be kept just between the two of them.

Strike one.

...paternity test...

As far as we're concerned, nothing else in the surrounding sentence really matters much, does it, Dear Reader? Where does this woman get off questioning whether DD is DH's child? NMIL might as well have come out and called me a slut like she wanted to, which is ironic considering her life choices. Her subtle accusation is very apparent to me, especially when compared to Exhibit A's nearly identical accusations. The trickle-down effect is apparent when you find evidence in what the Flying Monkeys are saying. Any talk from "outsiders" about our baby being illegitimate was started and perpetuated by NMIL. If she was a whole person, capable of empathy, I might have entertained her ideas as legitimate concerns. But NMIL didn't mention a paternity test because she was genuinely concerned for DH. No, she was merely masking her true intentions while secretly planting a bomb. She wanted me gone, probably from the moment she met me and realized I wasn't the kind of person she wanted her son to be with. I believe she wanted me gone, long before we even found out we were pregnant.

Strike two.

Certainly makes all that "little lamb" shit a lot creepier, doesn't it? After this email was shown to me, I shared with DH my feeling that NMIL hated our child because she came from me. NMIL hates me. She is afraid of me. She wants me gone. She has always wanted me gone. So it stands without reason, Dear Reader, that she would have been just as happy if the "little lamb" went away too. To an outsider, I'd venture a guess that this message of hers would seem downright sugary. Really though, she was just sprinkling her brainwashing tonic all over DH. It's clear that at the time of this email, she still had high expectations that her son would abandon his new Love and unborn child, and come back to her.

...we can plan a really nice ceremony

Can we now, NMIL? Who is we? You and DH? No, that would have given him too much power in your eyes. You and your friends? You What is all this talk of "we" and why on earth would you ever think you'd be involved in the planning of our wedding? I find it laughable, Dear Reader, that NMIL ever thought she'd be a part of our wedding, that she'd ever be involved, included, or incorporated. With this phrase, and all her talk of "I'm concerned about your insurance issues," she was merely trying to inject herself into our lives as a factor of control. And it begs the question: Did she really want us to have a [insert feigned concern for quality*] ceremony at all? Or did she expect DH's relationship with me to fizzle, and for me and baby to hit the road, long before that happened?

...which is really how Jonsi wanted it anyway

Another of my personal favorites in this email, the above statement would be infuriating, if it wasn't so utterly ridiculous. NMIL has never known anything about me. She's never taken the time, nor does she have the ability, to see me on a deeper level. She doesn't know me. She doesn't want to know me. It is ridiculous for her to pretend that she does. Even if DH gave her some information about my thoughts and feelings on the matter of our wedding, it still gave her no right, or valid reason, to inform him on my desires. She was actually presumptuous enough to tell DH what I wanted. It is so obvious that she was only trying to manipulate his decisions. "Postpone the wedding," she says, while swinging the watch in front of his eyes, "It's what Jonsi wants."


With that email under our belt, we can cut to a year later - March 2010, and our wedding shower. Is it any wonder, Dear Reader, why we would have excluded NMIL from our plans? Is it any real mystery why we would have kept her out of the loop on purpose? Is there any doubt in your mind why, at the wedding shower, I made sure NMIL didn't hold my baby for longer than two minutes before I brought her back to the safety of my arms? That woman never loved or accepted our "little lamb" any more than she loved or accepted me. She got the privilege of coming to our wedding shower, and given the circumstances, that was the best she could have possibly hoped for. There was never an opportunity for her to ruin our plans and dreams because we never gave her one.

*Bracketed text, including brackets - clever words from my dear friend, Upsi.


  1. Your NMIL probably uses "WE" as in the "Royal WE" used by folks like the queen.

    Lovely that she openly questions the paternity of your child. My Nparents never really recognized that my late DH was the father of their grandchild...not sue what that made me!

  2. Mulder, whenever I see you talking about your DH, it makes me so sad - for him, for you, and for your DD! Anyone who wouldn't classify your parents as abusive and downright cruel is probably an abuser themself!

    Fuck 'em!

  3. I still can't get over the "paternity test" - it says so much about her intentions. For me, mentioning it at all undermines everything else she "says" - it turns it all into an act for me. She wants to know if this is even her son's baby????? Fuck her. She puts on a good show, but I see through it, and I'm sure others do, too.

    The most supportive thing she could have done was leave you both alone.

    *sigh* very troubling.

  4. An act...putting on a show...I'm thinking there is a poem there!