Wednesday, April 20, 2011

This is What it Should Look Like

The story of my parents' reaction to our pregnancy news is completely different to that of NMIL's reaction. Despite our growing excitement about having a baby, I was hesitant to tell my mom and dad because I was afraid they might be upset that we'd been dating such a short time before getting pregnant. I knew that my parents thought rather highly of DH, and that they were happy for us in our new relationship. My mom confided that "Anyone who doesn't see how much you love each other is missing something." Despite my mom's fondness of DH, however, I was terrified that she would be disappointed in us for not waiting longer to have a baby. In hindsight, my anxieties were completely unfounded.

In trying to decide how we were going to give the news, we joked that it might be a good idea to just "slip it in" to the conversation over dinner. DH suggested I say, "We're having a baby could you pass the peas?" Laughing about it before-hand helped me settle my nerves a bit, but I still remember sitting there all through dinner with DH holding my sweaty hand firmly in his under the table, and my stomach all aflutter with nervousness. I had settled on the pass-the-ultrasound-photo-while-mentioning-that-my-parents-were-going-to-have-another-grandchild to add to the one they'd be getting from my brother in a few months. I waited through the entire meal and when I couldn't take it anymore, I handed the photo to my mother, picture-side down and spoke the news. Oh god, my hand did shake. My mother's response to our news brought overwhelming joy and relief and immediate tears to my eyes. She took the photo and it only took the briefest second for her to say "Woo hoo!" and I knew that everything was going to be fine. I just started crying, and laughing, with tears rolling down my cheeks. I turned to DH and he said, "See? I said you didn't have to worry about it!" and he hugged me and kissed me and my parents got up and took turns hugging each of us. There was a flurry of questions,
"Was is planned?"
"When is the due date?"
"Will you get married before or after?"
"Will you find out the baby's sex?"
"Will you be moving in together? When?"
Then my mom said she had known for weeks that I was pregnant and she was going to just come out and ask me if I didn't get to telling her about it. Oh, I couldn't have been happier or any less surprised! It took me some time to get over the shock that she had known all along and that I could have just told her weeks before.
There were no judgments being made, no anger, just love. Love and joy. My parents was genuinely happy for us, and reveling in our happiness together. As we all cleared the dishes together, my mom and I talked more about pregnancy - how she felt during her three pregnancies, how my body was reacting to pregnancy just like hers had, what else I could expect in the upcoming months. I even remember my mom saying something like, "Well, I guess I'll be planning another baby shower this year, then!"

DH and I had waited the obligatory three months to spread the news of our pregnancy, but I STILL have guilt about waiting to tell my parents and for telling them after we told NMIL. My mom has reassured me that it didn't hurt her feelings to be told second in the line-up. I believe her. My mother is the most honest person I know. DH's parent's reactions paled in comparison to my parent's. The funny thing is that I really think, had this happened with any one of the other guys I had dated over the years, my parents would not have been quite as happy. I've always believed that their happiness was due, at least in part, to the fact that it was DH this was happening with. But you know what? Looking back at all the schmucks I dated...DH made all the difference to me, too. This couldn't have happened with a better person...just another reason why I feel so lucky that he and I found each other. He's a beautiful person, and together, we've started a beautiful family.


  1. Got a little choked up reading this, Jonsi. It tickles me that your mom KNEW, but respected you enough to let you share on your own terms. I'm so happy for you guys. What I love is that despite all the crumby stuff you've both had to put up with from the Selfish Squad, that you DO have people in your life to nourish you. Plants reach for the sun, and your family will flourish and grow because you have all the nutrients you need.


  2. Upsi, we are indeed lucky to have my FOO. They love unconditionally and taught me how to do the same. They have only ever had our best interests at heart. I really do wish that everyone was lucky enough to have such honest, dependable, empathetic people in their lives. My FOO are people who do what they say and say what they mean. There are no hidden agendas or games to be played. Thanks for commenting! I enjoy sharing the good relationships in my life, as much as the "crumby" ones.

  3. I'm way behind here, but just started researching into NPD. My situation with my DH and his FOO is so incredibly similar. The benefit to the NMIL is an ever-growing appreciation for just how amazing our healthy FOOs are!

    Once I pegged NMIL for what she really is, I have had a hard time not expressing every single thought or event to DH that shows exactly how un-caring she truly is. He knows she is obnoxious but is either not willing to really see the extent of her non-love or truly doesn't get it. At this exact moment in time NMIL and NSIL are attempting to triangulate DH. They are digging their own holes as he is talking to me throughout this and he is beginning to SEE. It's painful.

    I'm curious if your DH just came to the light by himself, or if throughout you were offering (not forcing) a different perspective of the actions/communications from his family? You've dissected their communications here, but were you doing so all along and sharing that with him? Or just quietly logging all this info?

    Sorry so long on this comment.

    1. Hi Kerielle,

      I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in a similar situation to the ones I've written about here.

      My DH did not come to the light by himself, I have been by his side trying to guide him as best I could the whole time. I have never dissected anything in secret and I started my blog about two years after DH and I first met. Probably about half the things I wrote about had already occurred and I was just logging them in hindsight. I believe that being upfront and honest about everything I was thinking/seeing/observing was of utmost importance.

      I think I was so upfront that at times, DH got pretty annoyed with me. And because I really paid attention to the details, I talked about the issues I saw often and at length. I'm sorry you're dealing with the same thing.

    2. DH also has a blog of his own. He's no longer actively writing, but some of his posts were very poignant and insightful. You can find it here:

      Hope that helps. Maybe you could share it with your DH, if he is interested in reading an ACON blog. I haven't found too many adult sons of narcissistic mothers who write and maintain blogs, although there are some. Blogger Q is also a son of a NM and his blog is rich with insights: